You are here

Infertility, embryos, divorce and the fallout...

BellaMia's picture

I've been MIA for a while, dealing with lots of life stuff. I hope all is well.

I've been wondering about sharing this for months now, and I feel like it's something I can finally do.

I have dealt with infertility for the past 14 years. After two ectopics, my ex-husband (who had no issue with his fertility) and I tried IVF twice without success, although the embryos were great, according to the doctors. That marriage ultimately eroded and we went our separate ways. However when we created the embryos, we signed an agreement that if I died the embryos would go to him, if he died the embryos would go to me, and if we divorced, the embryos would go to me. Hence, I have three embryos.

Fast forward and I am remarried (as those of you who are familiar with my ranting and raving know!) and my husband has two children by two other women, one who was a summer-break fling and another who was his first wife.

When he and I first started dating, I told him everything about my embryos because I had no intention of ever destroying or donating them. He said he didn't fully understand why I would want to have them, but I have never felt like I could expect him to feel the exact same way about them that I do. The more important issue for me was that he knew of my intention to transfer them at some point in the future when I was ready because 1. That process is the only way for me to have children, and 2. While I am pro-choice in terms of voting because I don't feel I can decide the path another person takes, I am very much pro-life for myself.

He now goes back and forth between saying that he's OK with me transferring my embryos if my ex is not involved and saying that he wants to try to create new embryos with me first, only trying my existing embryos if those don't work. But at the same time he says that if we were to have 1-2 more children (added to the two he already has) he would not want more. (My ex is fine with me transferring them and has no strong desire one way or the other.)

I guess the issue for me is that my husband feels it's OK for me to co-parent his biological children that he had from previous relationships. Why isn't it OK for me to continue to want my embryos? He focuses on the fact that they wouldn't be "our flesh and blood," but I feel like they are my babies, or as close as I have ever come at this point... I understand that he has reservations about it, but that is why I brought it up the first month that we were dating (nearly three years ago), because I wanted to give him plenty of time to decide if he wanted to get involved. Thoughts? *taking deep breaths*

BellaMia's picture

I should add that I know there is nothing saying that these embryos would ever implant or result in live births. After all this time, I am actually totally OK with a + r a -. However I feel like I owe them a chance at life since I chose to help create them.

NancyL's picture

He's a very selfish guy and only thinks about his happiness. The skds aren't your "our flesh and blood," either and you manage to make it work. If you want a baby do it now, never look back or you will have regrets that cannot be undone.

z3girl's picture

I think it's a selfish man thing. My DH wouldn't let me have any kind of infertility treatment unless we used his sperm, and that's the main reason I needed IVF! He has a low sperm count. He also refused to spend much money, or allow me to spend money, so I was in a real bind. We had to go across the world to get IVF because it was 1/3 the price. It's amazing how this man got to dictate it all even though he already had a kid and didn't understand my desire for a baby.

lucky2bme87's picture

well sometimes they don't show their true selves until after you've married them! Smile