They keep ruining everything...
The two SDs, 14 & 13, and the DH drove out to West to visit his family, which he does every year. (I would join after my week of work. After a couple days, we were to drive to California for a week on the beach) As soon as they arrived, the two witches started disrespecting their grandmother and didn’t want to be around their cousins that are very close to them in age.
The older one then proceeded to kick me and DH out of our room (and assinine DH moves his own luggage) and she locks herself in a room to herself. She refuses to eat with the entire family and is a total asshole to everyone. The younger one locks herself in the bunkhouse and won’t allow her cousins to share with her.
My DH’s sisters have each come up to me separately during our stay and asked how I can put up with them and that they pray that I don’t divorce DH because of his hellacious kids.
Well, their behavior hit an all time low while we were and he cancelled the rest of the trip to California. They didn’t even seem phased!!! I was proud to see him actually execute a punishment for their shitty behavior.
So since we’ve came back home, they’ve continued to be total demons. The dishwasher broke this weekend and you’d think asking them to wash a couple dishes was like we asked them to amputate one of their legs. She then asks her dad why he doesn’t spend more time in his room instead of the living room. She then proceeds to bitch at their dad about she had 2 full sinks of dishes... (3 cups, 4 plates and 5 utensils. what a joke)... and that she shouldn’t have to do all the work... and I said ‘wow’ because of her nerve and tone she took with her dad, my DH. She points at me and says, ‘why don’t YOU do this?!?’ like she’s dying from washing plates and storms off... so I follow her ass to the stairs and say, ‘you know what? I’m sick and gosh damn tired of you disrespecting your father and all other adults in your life!’
She also bitched about how her dad cooks all the time... he works out of the house and I work over 1 hour away. (The BM is a lazy heifer who stopped working for 12 years and apparently didn’t teach them to eat healthy or disciplined them) Plus he cooks them the few foods they eat... and I’m sorry I’m old skool and my philosophy is you eat what I gosh damn cook or you make your own sandwich or starve. I offered to cook some of our dishes which are better, but he complains that they won’t eat it. I don’t give a flying fig. You want me to cook and I don’t cook crap!
i don’t need advice... I just want someone to hear me and commiserate with me... I do not like these evil, undisciplined children. They have a mom and she’s told me she doesn’t care what they do. What they need now is someone to straighten them out, give them life skills and discipline! (My own daughter knew how to do laundry, cook some basic things like Mac n cheese, and how to vacuum and do some chores by 9. These demons don’t do anything)
I think about what his sisters told me everyday lately. Why do I stick around? Some days I miss my house I had when I was a single lady and how much I wouldn’t miss these miserable kids
Fourteen is the absolute
Fourteen is the absolute worst age for teen girls. They are horrible, vicious, soul-sucking monsters at that age - even the "good" ones.
Nevertheless, it sounds as if these skids have behavioral problems due to neglect and crappy/weak parenting. They are completely out of control, and need consistency; structure, boundaries, discipline, and routine. They need someone to care enough about them to tell them No and teach them how to behave in a civilized manner.
You don't have to suffer just because you love a man who's a weak parent. I know we talk a lot about disengagement on StepTalk, but each step dynamic is unique and there are some situations where stepparents feel justified in stepping forward rather than stepping back. Personally, I'd be damned before I'd put up with carp like that from any kid, and especially ones who lived under my roof.
Murphy is right - grab your H where his jewels are supposed to be, and tell him how things are going to be if he wants to stay married. Strip those girls' bedrooms of everything except for a bed, some books, and a few changes of ugly clothes. No mirrors, no makeup, no electronics or phone. And take their doors off the hinges, too (this was very effective with my 14 y.o. SD). Ground those girls HARD, and make them earn privleges back. They need to learn that there are forces bigger and badder than them in this world, and that they have come up against a wall they cannot breech.
This brick wall
(me) ain’t budging! It’s just pathetic that he and their BM give in to them to keep the ‘peace’. I tell them that they need steering, hard discipline and direction if they’re going to have a shot of making it in the world and if they don’t want to get their asses kicked or worse. They’re absolutely monsters. It annoys him when I bring up how independent my daughter is but sorry... maybe it should be the kick in the balls he needs to make his kids civilized.
if I’m paying bills and some of the mortgage and working... unlike his ex used to... I am going to have the right to correct these twerps (I would love to call them what they really are) and cut their bullshit in my house!!!
You are handling this exactly
You are handling this exactly right IMHO. Keep it up. Zero tolerance for toxic crap is the most effective way to deal with toxic.
Keep confronting their toxic crap immediately upon their pulling it. Sit DH down along with his toxic crotch droppings and let them know what the rest of the family thinks of all of them and their crap. Facts are critical to dealing with toxicity and barring the asses of the toxic with the facts works.
Keep rubbing their noses in the stench of the toxic nasty spots in the ratty carpet of their choices.
I love you... lol!
The funny thing is... they know they're in the wrong. They know they upset the whole family with their behavior at his family's cabin. They love it. It's what they want. They love being miserable and they want to make everyone miserable too. That's the f'd up part.
Normal people would be embarassed to even do that
but those raised with no respect for others, no boundaries and no manners have to continue the cycle of craziness
Holy crap!!
they kicked you and your husband out of your bedroom, he moved your suitcases out??
me and hubby have a bedroom at his childhood home. His sisters insisted a room be created for us so we had privacy as they expected we’d have kids together. This room never existed when hubby was married to the ex so for holidays etc when the whole family came over you’d literally camp out in the common living areas.
if any of my sd’s had promptly marched in and locked my bedroom door, i would tell my husband to get his little bitches out and he had 10 seconds to march them out. That is our private space.
I’m lucky like you that my sil’s are so apalled with skids behaviour, the shunning and disrespect is nothing new as they all experienced it when hubby divorced the exwife.
i too have had both my sd23 & sd14 in front if hubby tell him that they would do whatever with my 2 kids who were 1.5 & 2.5 (one is highly allergic to eggs and cat dander), sd’s live with 3 cats so even family know about the allergies and always run by me or hubby if this is ok to feed them but if they know i am sleeping and say sil has cooked and my kids are hungry and it’s strictly no eggs or risk of cross contamination they will feed them but if i’m around will ask.
I ended any meets with sd’s late last year. Until hubby addresses this disrespect and put those little bitches in their place, i and my kids will not be even at family events with them around. They have no respect for our privacy and boundaries too.
My inlaws just have sadness when i tell them that skids behaviour and hubbys denial of the bad behaviour will be a reason i leave one day because you just don’t feel happy. They love me and my kids as we all get along, skids are so alienated and don’t maintain a relationship with anyone.
A months afer i gave birth to our daughter, ss17.5 told his dad and uncle it was my job to clean up after him as i was a woman and nurturing a child and taking care of it was a womans job. Hubby and his bil put this little shit in his place. I told hubby i an not and never will be treated as your kids little bitch maid.
My skids especially ss has invented an imaginary stress syndrome when asked to do chores. This is a manipulative tactic to shut hubby up and hybby at work is sending me screenshots of his angry textmessages with ss at home with his pathetic excuses of why he can’t do housework. He literally locks himself in his room day and night, no interaction with anyone. When my son was 3.5 months old, at. 1.30am ss runs through our house screaming, panting and mumbling a language we had never heard of. Hubby opened our bedroom door like what the hell is wrong with your and ss continues babbling in this made up language and laughs like he is possessed by a demon. He comes to our room 15 mins later, apologised for that psychotic episode 15 mins ago and claims there are bad spirits in his room. Our pets were acting normal, there was no bad spirit. It was bloody obvious this kid was suffering from addicted to computer games syndrome and “lock-myself-in-bedroom-away-from-interacting-with-anyone-itis”
never will any of my bios be left alone with skids when they behave this way and i’ve made it clear with hubby at family events he does not ever dump our kids on skids to care for them as they do whatever they can to sabotage my kids image in front of people so they look messy and wild etc. My kids are very calm and polite even as toddlers but skids are too dumb to realise that if they tarnish my kids image, its a bad reflection on hubby as those are his kids.
The key here is dysfunction breeds dysfunction, crazy breeds crazy, that cycle never ends unless they get a good kick up the arse (metaphorically speaking)
actually, now that you mention it...
Your last line... dysfunction breeds dysfunction... DH's bro committed suicide battling bipolar... (the older SD is in therapy... they originally think she was ADHD, then they think she's just depressed... I think she is either bipolar or she has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD)... BM has a master's in psychology and she never heard of ODD. Crazy breeds crazy...
Hey, I see a therapist for anxiety and I've had a childhood friend die of suicide.... I was suicidal after my dad suddenly died when I was in my early teens and I sure didn't joke about it. SD jokes about suicide and crap all the time. She plays it for attentionDH falls for it. She doesn't take her Wellbutrin regularly nor do her parents make her... it's quite pathetic her parents phone it in.
When i say dysfunction breeds dysfunction and crazy breeds crazy
its because thats what these kids see as normal and exposed to. They are prevented from meeting normal people etc so they struggle
I am the most
normal adult parental figure they have. Problem is they don’t like it as I do provide the discipline that they don’t get from their parents. They’re struggling with reality.
The 4 of us were going to go out for a quick meal yesterday as the 2 SDs are pissed that I’m not home like dad to cook meals (not like they eat a broad, healthy variety of foods anyways... thanks BM!) and when he’s home he cooks so it’s ready after my hour commute home.
so last night was to be a night out (very rare) the younger one was at her mom’s house (when they’re supposed to be with us) and DH calls her and she keeps hanging up. He picks her up (the other SD refused to go at all even though she picked the damn restaurant) and he asks the younger one what was wrong with her and she keeps saying ‘I can’t tell you right now’... she pulls this line when it’s something about me.... so here we go.
So he actually made me distance myself from this ridiculous bullshit (which I shouldn’t have to, she should have the balls to say it to my face)... she was pissed that I was having dinner with them... she thought I wouldn’t be invited to eat dinner with the man I’m married to.
apparently she’s pissed that I disciplined her and her sister the night before.
sorry... someone’s gotta do something about these 2 monsters!
The problem here is if the mum is breeding the craziness and
Dysfunction, lack of respect/boundaries and manners, no matter what you and hubby do will erase that.. it gets to a point where its pointless even trying
Just commiserating :)
I'm new here to ST and just wanted to say hello and I feel your struggle! For almost 6 years now, I've felt like the 'Reality in the Room'. My SO parents permissively out of guilt and BM only communicates with the 3 SDs sporadically between jail time and boyfriends. She just got arrested again yesterday actually. Yet...I am the "monster" because I expect them to have consequences for stealing from me and other family members, shoplifting, doing drugs, drinking alcohol, taking drugs/alcohol/vapes to school and trying to bring it in the house, staying out for days, lying about where they are and who they're with, running around with adult men, posting ALL SORTS of inappropriate and even illegal crap online, keeping piles of trash in their rooms, refusing to do anything around the house, and on and on. Its exhausting...embarassing...and maddening.
I have tried so hard to forgive and think of them as children who need love more than others, but there's a point where you kind of empty out, ya know? I am at that point with SD16, the only SD still at home. I still have compassion privately for her because of how inept and traumatizing BM has been, but that's about it. Disengagement seems to be the buzz word around here that I need to familiarize myself with, yeah? lol
Anyway, just wanted to reach out and say thanks for posting. Makes me feel a little less nuts and like someone out there gets it today even if no one in my house seems to.
Wow!!!
I’m so sorry you’re going through it... but yes, it’s almost like you feel like you’re the crazy person in the house... but you’re actually the only one with some common sense going on!!!
i hear you and I hope something wonderful and healing happens soon!