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DH jealous of my sons

Germie2's picture

I could be wrong but I think DH is jealous of my sons 12 and 8 . I try to raise my kids in the best way that I can, they are well behaved at home and in public, and each time we go somewhere with them when people compliment how well behaved they are I say “thank you” and DH always says “don’t let them fool you” in a joking way.  

The boys always do well in school (DS 12 gets 3.9 to 4.2 and DS 8 usually get an average of 80% ) but DH is never even congratulate them or say a thing

they have chores and take turns washing dishes, taking trash out, help me while I’m cooking and anything else they are asked to do. 

They respect DH and respect our alone time, they get in their room by 8 stay up for 30 minutes to an hour then sleep. DH’s parents and his extended family love them but DH hates that and always complain about it.

Lately I notice when the boys tell him about something exciting he brushes it off, they came with report cards and were excited to show him when he gets back home but he didn’t even touch, DS12 just started playing chess at a high school level and was excited to win his first match of the tournament but when he was telling DH there was no reaction at all. 

I know my kids sometimes gets in little arguments or speak and laugh loud , they aren’t perfect but I just don’t understand why DH always does that. The kids noticed and asked what was wrong and I didn’t know what to say 

i’ll add Too, when they do wrong i discipline them , even when DH points out something that should be addressed, I immediately do it.




thinkthrice's picture

have childrem of his own that are ferals?    Chef did this with my grown bios, in particular, my DS.    Your bio says you have an SD?  

I'm guessing she is out of control and he sees the painful contrast so instead of stepping up his parenting game,  he casts aspersions on your parenting via your sons?

Germie2's picture

SD is a smart kid, does well in school but not much common sense ,very competitive but she’s different, she lies, manipulates , selfish, has no respect for adults unless it will benefit her in some way and DH sees it but just won’t admit it to himself so he just pretends she’s perfect and constantly brags about her. As for counseling DH doesn’t like it 

thinkthrice's picture

My son also is highly intelligent, well disciplined and was on the chess team in school.  Chef's (my SO) response was to challenge him to a chess game in which he was rapidly defeated by Awesomeson!  Chef has three PASed out ferals whose lazy ass BM never taught them anything.   They only breathe, do screens and eat.  She doctor shopped until she got them an IEP as an "excuse" for their truancy and academic failure.  We haven't seen them for a decade and if I EVER see them again it will be too soon!

If your DH won't go to counseling regarding his jealousy over your WELL behaved children, I'd say get out now especially if he has a "princess" in tow.

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

First, you are correct in your perception of jealousy. Years ago during an argument my SO admitted that he was also jealous. This argument began as he was acting very similar to what you are experiencing. However I would tolerate it.

Either get a grip, you are an adult, or get out was how I addressed this. 

And you should too.  There is no reason good kids need to be treated this way in their home. And be you allowing it you are sending the message that it is ok. 

FrenchPeas's picture

exdh actually told me not to discuss my kids’ grades and accomplishments around his kids because his kids weren’t on the honor roll. We had to go play putt putt as a family to celebrate XYSS passing a standardized test on his third try. Meanwhile mine passed and were commended and I was told not to mention it. I ignored that and said what I wanted. My kids work hard and deserve praise. 

That idiot did the same thing to my two. It was his way of equalizing the gap between our kids. My daughter caught on and confronted him with it. Made him angrier lol 

i don’t miss step life. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

It’s possible that your DH just doesn’t like your sons that much and has distanced himself from them, or is completely disengaged. It’s a tough situation, because I can see that as a parent, you want that connection. But people in a step role struggle with it because they are not your kids, and sometimes it’s hard acting interested in kids you just don’t like that much. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but you can’t help your feelings and they are not his kids.

futurobrillante99's picture

My XH2 was very jealous of my kids' successes, independence of the older 2, opportunities and relationship with me.

He was jealous because his kids didn't really want to spend time with him, showed up in the early days to mooch off him, did poorly in school, 3/4 of them struggled to keep employment or actually GO to work, 3/4 of them were highly irresponsible, 4/4 used drugs and drank heavily (also while underage).

My older two earned good grades in high school, got scholarships and went to college. DS28 has 2 undergrad degrees, DD25 has 1 in engineering. Older 2 have lived on their own for many years and their father and I do NOT subsidize them. We've offered help on our own terms but were never expected to. My 3 kids had generous college funds from their father's parents and XH2 seemed to focus on THAT as the reason they were successful (and the reason why his kids were not). I argued that even though my kids had college paid for, they still got As and Bs, AND earned scholarships because of their GPA and SAT scores. He didn't want to hear it.

So, he picked on whatever faults he could find. The worst was probably how he would point out DS22's weaknesses. DS22 is Autistic and has come a long way from being non-verbal. For XH2, DS22 was the great leveler (in his warped mind).

DS22 is a triumph. He's a good kid. He also got good grades in high school, but college wasn't for him. The state helped him get a job and he's been working part time since September of 2018. He's a good employee. Very conscientious. Punctual. He's also an excellent roommate. I don't need to ask him to do anything. He takes the trash/recycling out, does the dishes, cleans the cat boxes, etc. - all on his own. That reminds me I need to show him how to clean his bathroom. It's not nasty, but he should still learn.

Yes, so much jealousy. I'm not perfect but my children were the ones coming to Thanksgiving dinner, birthday celebrations, and other holidays to spend time together. His kids would sometimes come, but only long enough to eat and dash - unless there was booze.

Iamwoman's picture

My DH used to be jeaous of DD15 years ago.

We had several huge arguments about it, and I finally told him that perhaps he should move out and we should live apart until DD15 is launched because his general demeanor around her was not conducive to the type of healthy environment that produces healthy, successful offspring.

He decided to work on himself and stay. He did have some times where he would swing back into his old ways, but I became irate with him each time and reminded him that if he isn't serious about being at least civil toward DD instead of grumpy, then we most definitely need to separate until she is grown. I even went so far as to look for apartments for him near his job so he would know that I'm serious.

Fast forward to now, and he actually loves DD and is proud of her when she does well, and he is appropriately strict with her when she is a PITA or when she screws up or acts irresponsibly. It took a lot to get here though. If I had to do it all over again and knew  beforehandthe amount of work I would have to put forth to create this household harmony, I would choose to live separately from DH until DD ages out - because until he finally acted like a mature adult in this arena, DD was living in a tense household with a grump. She used to not like DH very much, but now she has progressed to feeling neutral about him.

Since he realizes what an a$$ he had been, he is thrilled with her neutral feelings, because it's a lot better than her disdain that he earned over the years. 

It was hard for me, because I had to walk a fine line and not chastise DH in front of DD, but find times to quickly address his attitude where she couldn't listen. For DD, I couldn't lie to her, and let her believe that DH's behavior toward her was appropriate or acceptable because I don't want her growing up to think that his pissiness was an acceptable way for any man to behave to a female, so I had to tell her when I agreed with her that DH was being an a$$.

All around not a good situation to be in, but if your DH is willing to listen to you and willing to grow the eff up himself, then it can work in the end. In the meantime, your children are suffering for his behavior.

Wilhelm's picture

My children’s birth father was jealous of his own children and any attention shown to them. He particularly found it difficult that they did so well at school. 

It might just be in his nature.

lynnief's picture

My SO acts indifferent and snarky with my son sa well. If you have followed my posts, you can see that his son who lived with us is a criminal and a heroin addict and a tottal moochy loser- facing prison time.  My son (11) is on the honor roll and is a really good kid. Every time he asks SO a question, SO has to give him a snarky sarcastic answer. I tell him things like my son asked for a bass guitar- and I get a "hmph." and when my son comes and goes (he is with his bio dad half of every week), SO does not greet him or say goodbye. 

Feels like sour grapes to me. Even if these grown men don;t realize it. 

Chmmy's picture

I truly believe we were not meant to blend families. My kids were away at college when I met DH and on their way to launching their careers when we married so taking my kids out of the equation for the most part and only having his kids with us helped but blended families are unnatural. This generation of entitlement isnt helping either.