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From one extreme to the next

raindrop's picture

Many moons ago, I was with a man who had 2 bits from 2 different women. That relationship didn’t work out because he had no boundaries with the BMs and his youngest son was a manipulative monster with crazy eyes and he was never disciplined. I left that mess!

I then dated a guy who had a daughter, but they were not very active in eachothers lives. He was 18 when she was born and the mother and  maternal grandmother moved many states away soonafter the birth. My ex’s father advised my ex to “let them go, don’t chase her down”. He occasionally tried to be in her life, but mommy and maternal grandmother weren’t having it. He and his daughter reconnected  via fb when she turned 18, which was soonafter he and I began dating. They met up a few times, but the bond wasn’t there. Not sure what ever came if it because we broke up.  I didn’t understand how he just sat back and never fought  for his rights as her father when BM up and moved. 

 

Last man: He had custody of his 2 kids, and he was on board 100 percent with discipline and giving them chores and being respectful to me and he always put me first as far as being a partner and never allowed them to disrespect me. Sounds like heaven, right? Nope. His kids were angels, but I felt like he was too hard on them. At age 7 and 8, they always had a long list of chores to do after school. Not little chores like taking out trash, but biggies like vaacumming entire house, cleaning all bathrooms, folding clothes, including his. Then homework. Then dinner, they’d have to wash dishes afterwards, then 30 min of TV, bath time, and bedtime. And on the weekends, they’d go with BM or paternal grandparents. They’d love it at their moms house because they could be KIDS. And then he’d get his feelings hurt and he’d even say mean things about their mom to them on occasion. 

 

I donf kniw where or if there is ever a true happy place when dating a person with kids. All three of my ex”s parented their kids in polar opposite ways, and I just wasn’t happy. Almosr all men my age have kids, so this is something I need to figure out. 

silkroad's picture

I never liked to be introduced to the kids early on... get to know the BF as an individual, learn about his parenting and his kids, before even meeting the kids. Yeah, at “this age” I think it’s tough to find single dads without kid issues.... just have to decide whether he is worth working through the issues together.

futurobrillante99's picture

In my last relationship, things moved WAY too quickly. I met his kids and family within WEEKS of us meeting. His kids were feral and his entire family is a hot, dysfunctional mess. I walked away from my family of origin because of their dysfunction and abuse. smdh!!

With new guy, I would just like to keep things in a little bubble for as long as possible. I don't want to meet his adult daughter or his family for many many moons. He's also a widower, so I would have to deal with the possibility of "measuring up" to his first wife's ghost.

Staying single is just so much easier!! LOL

SteppedOff's picture

Your last sentence is wise, wise, wise!

I had a relationship and married a widow....It turned as horrible as anything I have read here. It went from chilly to damn right freezing with adult 30’s daughter. So much so, she hasn’t spoken to her father in two years nor is he permitted to see the grandchildren. You will likely never measure up to the deceased first wife from the daughter, friends. We tried everything we could to make it better...we sold both of our homes and started out fresh the ghost just doesn’t go away. This has been one of the saddest, most difficult experiences...tread lightly and hyper-wisely. 

NoThanks's picture

Its a tough situation. My downfall in the past has been not spending time with the SO and his kids during day-to-day life. That’s when you catch the true dynamic of how a parent structures (or doesn’t), disciplines and what values they instill in their kids. Man, I missed so much insanity that would’ve told me to run years earlier. 

flmomma08's picture

Yeah, they all have issues... Even when couples have a child together, parenting differences are still one of the top reasons for divorce. It's even more difficult in blended situations where the kid is not yours and you may not have any say or very little say in how they are raised. I dated a couple men with kids before my DH and they weren't super involved in their kids lives which I thought was sad. The first one hardly ever saw his kid. The second one had 50/50 but the BM did all the major parenting stuff and he just had the fun house. He was hard on the kids too and didn't show a lot of emotion. We didn't last long lol