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Why do BM’s get so jealous?

raindrop's picture

Its SJ strange how most BM’s seem to get jealous if their offspring likes the BM. If I were a BM, I would be thrilled for my kid to have a good relationship with the SM.  I’ll never forget when I took my SKID to the county parade and fair. He was 8 and had never been to the parade/fair despite BM living walking distance from both. We had a blast, absolute blast, and I truly bonded with SKID.  BD wasn’t there because he had a last minute work emergency to attend and SKID was really looking forward to going, so I said I’d still take him. A few weeks later during mediation, BM and BD were negotiating who gets SKID during which holidays, events, etc. BM said she wanted him on the first day of the county fair so SHE could be the one to take him to the parade and fair every year. And how I am not allowed to do anything solo with skid. She was pissed that her kid had such a good time with me. I don’t get it. 

GoingWicked's picture

I think jealousy is one thing, I can see BM being jealous of our higher quality of life, to spending time with her kid when she cannot, to being married to a responsible loyal man like my DH.  However, I can’t see acting on it, or turning your child into a pawn.  I think that personality disorders make all the difference.  Plus, divorces are far more likely when one spouse has a personality disorder, so you’re probably very likely to run into a crazy BM when you start seeing a divorced man.

raindrop's picture

Another thing is how she always thought people were jealous of her. I heard stories about how she thought all the soccer mom’s on skids team were jealous anytime they saw her especially if she talked to their husbands, how all of her family is jealous, etc. I’m not sure why she would ever think this way. She had nothing going on for herself, at least nothing striking that made her stand out. 

shamds's picture

She bragged how in demand she was that she could hook anyman and in fact married her ex high school sweetheart who left his wife for her and they married barely a week after divorce was final. 

When you figure out the timeline she’d been ho-bagging this man during that time. She was so desperate to marry this guy after the divorce just to one up hubby that she did it while kids were in school and tell them after school “mummy got married and you have a new daddy”

she bragged how attractive and great she was she could get anyone blah blah blah and hubby was so old that no one wanted him. Fast forward 5 years later and hubby marries a caucasian woman, younger than him and her who actually can take care of him and our home. 

She is pathetic and useless...now she’s playing a pity party because her daughters told her how friendly and lovely i was... oh she’s so happy jumping for joy that i love her kids like my own... umm who said i love them like my own because i didn’t

Sandybeaches's picture

Often times people project their own feelings and behavior on others.  For example she is jealous so she is turning the behavior around to say that others are jealous.  We go through the same thing with the BM in our life.  Every behavior she has she says we are doing it.  I think it goes with the territory 

Iamwoman's picture

She has a personality disorder like so many BM’s we discuss here. I mean, if we had a good relationship with our skids’ BM we wouldn’t even be on steptalk in the first place. The BM weighs heavily in skids’ acceptance of stepmom.

That being said, I always used to encourage my own DD to bond with her SM. DD has always been terrible at conveying important information though, and as a result of this, DD has screwed herself over time and time again in life. It turns out that after 7 years of visitation with her dad and SM, DD was actually being abused psychologically, and gray-area physically by both her dad and SM (documented by a GAL). All DD would ever say about her SM though was that “she is sort of trashy” and “she is rude.” Apparently “rude” was DD’s interpretation of abuse...

So whereas most BM’s act insanely jealous and vindictive, I was the total opposite, and my kid STILL got hurt. Parenting is no picnic.

sunshinex's picture

My stepdaughter's BM doesn't get jealous at all. She seems to prefer it this way - me raising her kid/taking her place while she just upkeeps motherhood enough to keep her own family from hating her lol 

MommyT's picture

I think it’s hard to say that I would t be the same way because deep down I think I might be a little pissy towards another woman in my kids’ life. I mean I do everything for those kids, and it would be really hard to see them having fun with someone else. In our case BM is jealous of DH and my name gets thrown in the mix as well but mostly she just hates DH. I like to say that I would be welcoming but honestly, I can understand how someone would have hurt feelings. 

Harry's picture

And does not like being shown up.  As a failur to her kids.  You may think of something to do with SK she didn’t have time to think of.  Like a going to a fair ?

tog redux's picture

Many of these BMs think if the kid loves anyone else, they will stop loving them.  Hell, many of them get jealous of the kid loving the father!

TimeToGo's picture

I was jealous of the 1st one... She's AMAZING. Like really patient, always wanted to be a SAHM & loves going on field trips, etc. My bios adore(d) her. My skids adore(d) her. My husband tried to not adore her but her few annoying tendencies aren't enough to ruin her inate goodness. My ex ended up not adoring her though... But now, 10+ years later, she & I are friends & I know what she's not good at that she's jealous of me for being good at (like my career & cooking abilities). And our kids are all close still. 

I haven't been jealous of any of the others. The others have all been good people but they're just normal people, not the "child whisperer" that the 1st one is...

In the end, we figured our stuff out quick, she handled field trips, I handled bake sales (& even cooked for a cocktail party she was forced to host!), she did the in-class volunteering & I handled running the clubs, teams, etc. In actuality, SHE & I were a better parenting team than my kids' Father & I...

Even to this day. She's my friend now & we use each other's strengths & are thankful for meeting. And no, I'm not "friendly" with the others, she & I were newbies with no clue how to handle this so we drank the Kool-Aid & tried the happy, huge family route... Her new husband is great at least & we rolled him & his kids into our "family", minus our joint ex!

Bex_S's picture

BM is the opposite. She lives the perfect family life through Facebook, while leaving me to raise her brat for her.

Bex_S's picture

They're just petty. They'd rather make an enemy of you than see their child happy. They see it as a competition and hate being 'shown up' by someone else, especially if that other person is parenting their child better than they would. BM would go as far as to tell SD to ignore anything I said in the early days, before DH put his foot down. I don't understand why they WANT to create conflict and risk making their child unhappy. If I was sending my child to be with someone else, I'd want them to be looked after, and it'd be lovely to know that they are happy when they go there, not dreading it because they're not treated like one of the family.

Bex_S's picture

They're just petty. They'd rather make an enemy of you than see their child happy. They see it as a competition and hate being 'shown up' by someone else, especially if that other person is parenting their child better than they would. BM would go as far as to tell SD to ignore anything I said in the early days, before DH put his foot down. I don't understand why they WANT to create conflict and risk making their child unhappy. If I was sending my child to be with someone else, I'd want them to be looked after, and it'd be lovely to know that they are happy when they go there, not dreading it because they're not treated like one of the family. But no. Deadbeat BMs only think about themselves and their needs and happiness over that of their child(ren).

stepmominhiding's picture

This is just my take on it. 

 

I think BM's are typically jealous because you made something (the relationship/ marriage)  work, when they couldn't.  Even if they don't want to be with DH,  you are a reminder of the fact that they couldn't make that relationship work. You have the happy family with DH, that they can't have. The fact you ate there solidified the fact theat they failed. You ate representation of their failure. 

Rags's picture

Their Xs move beyond them to live well and be happy and their children are part of that happiness.  That drives an X nuckin futz.

A close relationship between the X's kids and a SParent is like rubbing their noses in the stench of their own lives.

Living well really is the best revenge. Sadly, these toxic people will sacrifice the happiness of their own children just to make themselves feel better.