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Am I wrong??

Hun lee's picture

Hello I’m new to all of this and I mean ALL of this.Im 22 been with my boyfriend for about four years he never told me he had a son then I found out months later his son is 3 then months later he had went to jail and his mother slipped up and said he had a daughter too!!I felt..boy I can’t even explain I was just like wow and obviously his daughter is 3 as well two different moms.he apologized when confronted and at first I felt okay with his kids but he started to treat me like I was an outsider like when we’d fight half the time over stuff he does he’d snatch his son from away from me like I was a monster or something he just made me look like a bad guy when it was always him he’d always be like my son is here he’ll disrespect me in front of them and when I get mad and explode you wanna act like I’m the monster and hide your kids and stuff? It pissed me off and made me wanna distance myself ..forward years later arguing would continue over his inconsistency’s with loyalty and I remember one argument he told me out of no where “my son is gonna live with me and you’ll be on the back burner” which obviously was like wow I understand your kids come first but it’s the way he says things like I’m just crap I’ve bailed dude out before I’ve helped so much so it hurt he said that .He uses his kids against me it seems so again distanced myself some more then in a completely different argument (idk why he always brings his kids into an argument that has nothing to do with them) but he said “I told him not to talk to you “ so again I distanced myself and stopped doing things or even acknowledge they were around when they’d come over (he doesn’t really see his daughter due to baby momma drama)  I just felt like if you’re going to make me out to be this demon female and actually tell your kids to not talk to me then I’ll just stay now he’s like “You don’t even acknowledge them or say hi or do anything I want someone who loves my kids and this and that” but it’s like HE CREATED THIS !!!you isolated me and made me look bad so I keep my distance there was even a time we were arguing about something petty and his son was like if she makes you mad why she still in your house ?” (We live together and I was payin the bills by myself for months ) but it pissed me off kid or not but he obviously picked up on his dads ways of being disrespectful because sometimes if usually just leave to get away from the arguing and disrespect it was just out of line to me for a child to say that.I’ve also been disrespected by both mothers so it made me just feel resentful even more.another thing he used to get mad over is being I was the only one working and handling bills and food  he seen id get irritated trying to feed him a grown ass man and a child I have no obligation too mind you I’m only 22 I’m not making very much and had no kids myself he’d say I’d be mad his son is eating my food when that wasn’t the case I was mad that HE just sat around and expected me to do all this stuff when In all actuality ITS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE HES TAKIN CARE OF !I wanted him to get up and try to help out being he had a child to take care of not would go so fast obviously because I’m trying to care for everyone and I just couldn’t do it !he would try to force me to play step parent before I was even a parent at all he’d say how he wants me to do this and that for his son and it just pissed me off because we’re not married and you can hardly even be loyal to me so why would I step up in such ways f you can’t even do what your supposed to do?? Everything just started to irritate I hated when they’d come over I hated when they would be around me I just hated it all I love my boyfriend but he can’t force me to love or act a certain way towards his kids because they’re his kids !i want to save that love for when I have my own !!hed also say how I talked I every other kid in the house it’s not like I tried they’d talk to me because we all live together of course his nephew and nieces would feel comfortable talking to me !his son doesn’t live with us and on top of that you told him not to talk to me so I isolated him and I don’t feel I’m wrong.he says I should be the one to speak being I’m an adult and I should’ve introduced myself because his son doesn’t even know my name which I feel is HIS fault being he kept it a secret he had as of today I’m ten weeks pregnant and I feel even more resentment because I know how his family is I don’t want anyone saying my kid looks like his others I just feel it’s disrespectful same dad or not that child is a child with a completely different woman say my child looks like their dad not his OTHER kids .i don’t want my child sharing that light with them soon as they are born I just want my child to have there own moment they deserve !when he found out he also said things like “now if I ask you to do this or that for his son you should be able to do it because we have our own now” doesn’t make sense I know but I just felt like why are you telling me what I have to do for your kids when I haven’t even had my own yet!?stop expecting me to play mother and stuff before I am one I just want my first Experience to be special and be special and with my first kid before you try to make me step parent!! I remember another time he was laying down on his game and I was getting ready to lay down because I didn’t feel good and he asks me to check on his son I said no you do it and continued to lay down he got so upset with me said I’m a b*tch like I DONT HAVE TO DO THAT!!!youre just laying here you get up and go check on your own son!!hed even ask his mom (his sons grandma ) to make his son a plate even though he was doing nothing she even said no tell your dad or you do it so why can’t I?and that’s his GRANDMOTHER I just feel he’s lazy and wants everyone to treat his kids Like royalty.So again I ask you AM I WRONG???its not like I’m married and all this acting like this and it’s not like it just started for no reason he made me this way !and now that I’m goin to have my own I’m definitely not going to pay much mind to his kids


still learning's picture

Let me get this straight. What I gather from your post is that your bf had kids with two baby mama's that he kept secret from you, he mistreats you, and now you're going to be baby mama #3?! 

Oh honey, Why, why, why???!!!


Hun lee's picture

it wasn’t supposed to happen at all I never wanted to have his kid I even told him he would tell me get off birth control and I didn’t have to worry and it’s just ruining my body because I’d have horrible periods since I’d been on it .i feel like he trapped me I even felt at times like running off 

still learning's picture

Leave, this will only get worse for you and I fear for you and any child you bring into this situation. 

TX2step's picture

Get out now. Your man is a liar. Love yourself more, seriously.

ndc's picture

You are not wrong.  The only thing you're doing wrong is staying in this train wreck of a relationship.  He's already shown you that he's a lazy parent.  He's told you that you will not come first.  You're young; you can find a man without baggage, preferably one who will treat you well, hasn't been to jail, hasn't lied (by omission or otherwise) about his kids, etc.

Hun lee's picture

i just hate that now I’m going to have to be tied to him at all forever I hate myself for not leaving sooner he said he wants to be a “family” and I don’t believe he can handle the roll of a “family man”

Maxwell09's picture

You deserve an honest relationship. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve basic human respect when in front of his children. You deserve to be more than the bad guy when he has his kids. You deserve so much more than this guy is clearly showing you he is willing to give you. 

Leave. Just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean you have to stay...and whether others like it or not, abortion is an option. 

Hun lee's picture

I’m glad you mentioned that as sad it is I did try to come up with the money to get that done as well but stuff started piling up 

elkclan's picture

...try having a kid - or coming up with lawyer's fees to chase this deadbeat guy for CS or to fight him for custody which it doesn't sound like he should have. 

You are young, you have a future. This guy sounds absolutely awful and it sounds like he's tried to trap you with a pregnancy. I know this is a hard and awful decision to be faced with, but this is not a good situation. You shouldn't have to be in it - never mind a tiny little kid. 

justmakingthebest's picture

If you aren't too far, seriously consider the costs of a child! Daycare alone will run you $1,000 per month! Diapers, wipes, clothes, formula, ect! You have no idea what a child costs. If you aren't ready, don't do it. Also consider adoption if it is too late. I thank God for adoption! I wouldn't be here without it. 

notarelative's picture

If I read correctly: You're 22. You've been with him four years and the kept secret son is three. Plus he has a kept secret three year old daughter with another mother. You found out about the kept secret kids while he was in jail.  Plus you are ten weeks pregnant.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you that you would actually listen to. If jail and two secret kids (that were conceived while you were dating him, if my math is right) didn't make you reconsider his worth as a partner, I don't know what will. 

Please consider finding some counseling for you so that you will have the strength to leave this unhealthy situation.


Hun lee's picture

thank you so much for the reply..and no was conceived   Before we were dating or talking or even knew each other  I found out a month into our relationship .i think my toxic attachment began after my father passed at random right before graduation.I met him at the same time I guess I just clinged on to something anything that was around .ive been through counseling in fact got sent to a mental institution for depression and suicide I try to be strong and unfortunately I feel even worse now that I’m pregnant 

Hun lee's picture

i just feel everything piled up and I hate I allowed it I mean don’t get me wrong we wouldn’t fight ALL the time but when we did it was I feel like I just screwed up my life and it’s too late I wanted a family not to co parent.he says he’ll change and this and that to give me that but I just don’t believe it I don’t even want him involved with my child 

Curious Georgetta's picture

Not fighting all of the time is a poor standard upon which to base a relationship.

It does not sound as though this man brings anything positive to your life of that of his 2 existing children.

Find some therapy and family support to help you through this pregnancy. You and your child deserve so much more than this man is capable of providing. 

A 3rd time "baby daddy" has demonstrated that he has little to offer any woman or child.

You on the other hand as a hard working woman can find the inner strength and resolve to do what is best for you and your child.

Good luck!

bananaseedo's picture

Yuck, the whole thing.  Can I ask how one has horrible periods on the pill?  As far as I know it's almost ALWAYS the exact opposite.  People get put on bc pills all the time to regulate periods....doesn't add up.  And paragraphs please, dang!

Hun lee's picture

wasnt on the pill was on nexplanon and sorry I just kinda poured out wasn’t worried about punctuation or paragraphs !

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Get out now, live alone for awhile until you get yourself together. You are way too young to tie yourself down to a man who treats you so poorly.

You said you were considering abortion but didn't have the money. Contact Planned Parenthood and see how they can help you.

Maria10's picture

Please think of your child. If it is a little girl would you want her to be treated like he treats you? Would you tell her to stay with a man who lies and has been to jail? If it is a boy would you ever want him to be in jail? To be a deadbeat dad with 3 baby mamas? I would not want that for a child. any child...

Do not let your need for a father affect an innocent life in such negative ways. Please leave now before this man affects the life of this inmocemt baby!

If unsure where to turn call 211( the call for govt assistance + lots of other resources -young moms take priority they can assist with housing/ food+ medical checkups). Planned Parenthood as well as your local foodstamp office are also food resources. 


Step-girlfriend's picture

I’ll be honest, I didn’t read all the way to the end of your post because it was really hard with no paragraphs, but everything is wrong with this relationship. Not 1, but 2 secret kids?? Plus now yours?? Jail?! And the things he says, like “i told him not to talk to you”. He is a man-child who has a lot of growing up to do. Seriously, get out. You haven’t ruined your life, but you will if you stay with him. 

bananaseedo's picture

Get out now.  You're 22- really think over whether you want to continue this pregnancy and being tied to this 'man'.  Train wreck.