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Headed for divorce

depressedme's picture

After my last entry we reconciled and have tried to patch things up which meant me disengaging from the sds. We have been to counselling and he talks a good talk but it’s obvious I’m way down the list. After Xmas I got a call from the hospital major surgery I had been waiting for was to be scheduled. I am now a week post op and home. He told me he was very disappointed his girls had not even been bothered how concerned he was or about how I was ( me - well I was are u so surprised I don’t exist to them unless I’m buying stuff).

I’m now realising my dh doesn’t have room for me in terms of caring and empathy as that’s all used up. The osd has ramped up the past week in her efforts for daddy attention bearing in mind she’s 26. I was sent home 5 days after op with specific instructions to rest etc ( hysterectomy ). The op didn’t go as planned and I can’t lift etc for 6 weeks. Dh had to work 2 days stuff he couldn’t change then he took 2 days working from home. Osd rang last night about going out for lunch today knowing he’d took the time off to “ look after me”: we had a row. He went as when I pointed this out to him he said “ your just trying to get me to cut all contact”. No I want to be put first and I can hardly walk due to pain etc.I had to sort myself out all day no help etc he didn’t even bring me a drink. He went off for lunch, I can’t even bring myself to speak to him. He made me dinner and left it on the side for me while he sat at the table. Last night he basically said the situation was all my own fault I should ignore their behaviour etc. after dinner I needed something from the store I asked if he’d go it’s not far he looked at me so I said ok don’t want to put u out I will go myself - he said fine go yourself followed by your just being a bitch now??? I got to the store and back and then he screamed at me I told you I’d go- erm no you didn’t you called me a bitch? Why are u so angry with me? He didn’t reply.

I’m so emotional right now. Please don’t say hurtful things to me I can’t take it. I’m in pain , upset and thinking seriously about divorce. I feel invisible and lonely

futurobrillante99's picture

I'd like to suggest you see a therapist to get through this. A hysterectomy is no joke. Did they also take your ovaries? If so, the hormonal roller coaster isn't going to be fun. Be good to yourself and forget about everyone else. They don't matter. Right now, ONLY YOU matter.

depressedme's picture

I still have my ovaries but I don’t think they are working very well I’ve been crying a lot and well dh doesn’t do crying not from me anyway so it’s more highlighted I guess. We have been seeing a couple councellor but he nods and smiles says all the right things then doesn’t follow through. I can see her on my own I might text tomorrow for a phone appointment thankyou for listening x

SacrificialLamb's picture

Definitely go to counseling at least for yourself so you can regain your mental strength and figure out options.

You did not mention your age. Even though you still have your ovaries your hormones could be running rampant. I have had no surgeries (yet - I think I am headed there) and am still affected by them since the childbirth years are coming to a close.

Ispofacto's picture

No matter how tough you are, a relationship with someone so lacking in empathy will take a serious toll on your mental health. Your DoucheyHusband and his DoucheySpawn are arseholes, and you deserve better. If I were you I would get out sooner rather than later.

depressedme's picture

My friends have been commenting they think before Xmas I was heading for a breakdown but we seemed to get things back on track. I don’t think we did in hindsight it’s all me trying and him sticking his head in the sand. He does lack empathy except for osd it seems but maybe that’s not real either??

Curious Georgetta's picture

Maybe he does not have empathy for his daughter. Maybe she just recognizes that he does better with specific directives. He in turn may appreciate the fact that she is clear about her expectations.

If he is not particularly sensitive to the needs of others, he may have thought that if you managed on the 2_days that he could not take off from work that you could handle him being gone for 2 hours for lunch.
Your step daughter may have a clear understanding
Of how her father functions and your husband may appreciate the clarity. You expect him to intuitively know what you need and become angry when he does not.
By contrast, his daughter tells him what she wants/needs and consequently has no need to get angry.

If his lack of sensitivity is a problem and you cannot find a way to articulate your needs and wants without ranting about his daughter,you are not likely to solve your problem.

You complaints only serve to make his daughter seem like the easy and reasonable one. He took her
to lunch and she probably said ,"thank you," He took time off to be available for you and you said
"You are not doing it correctly"

From his vantage point, the daughter appears appreciative and you seem less than grateful for his efforts. I am not agreeing with him but it
might be helpful to look at it from his perspective.
He may not be the man that you want of need but can you come to terms with the man that he is?

Hopefully you will be feeling better soon.

depressedme's picture

Why are u even on this site?i never see any supportive comments just stirring the pot from you!! His daughter never says thankyou she’s a spoilt manipulative butch!!i shouldn’t have to point out to my dhI’ve had major abdominal surgery and need help he was there at the discharge part when he was told this by the dr!!

Aniki's picture

Ignore her, hon. STalk is still awaiting the BLOCK feature. Hopefully, it will happen soon.

I'm so sorry that you're having such an awful time. Hope you're feeling better quickly. {{{hugs}}}

sandye21's picture

It's just amazing how utterly cruel your DH has been. Hard to imagine what the motive is but you might even get this kind of treatment from others. Please believe that most of the posters on this site are sympathetic and supportive of you. You are going through hell right now and most of us can feel your pain. (((BIG HUGS)))

still learning's picture

I'm so sorry you're going through this, your DH doesn't seem like much of a caretaker. I'd suggest that you hire someone to come in for at least part of the day to help you out. A friend, relative or someone from Craigslist. Heck, work is slow lately so I'd come over.

Get better and totally focus on you now. Order in if you need to, leave things undone, binge watch TV, do whatever to take care of you.


marblefawn's picture

I hear in your posts that you aren't sure what's real in your read of him and what's not. I know that feeling. Don't bother judging it now. You'll have more clarity when you're not so compromised. Judge it later.

When my dog was actively dying, my husband left me to have lunch with SD. My friends just happened to drop in that day and we took my dog to the vet to be euthanized. It's a betrayal by my husband that I'll never forgive. Your situation seems similar.

I'm thinking it's *possible* your husband is no good in a crisis and your medical situation may have him scared and unsure. Add in the trouble with SD and it's hard to decipher what he's thinking. I'm not defending him. But my father was at his worst when someone died and the family was grieving - violent, uncaring, angry. When my mother is ill now, he falls apart, but is so capable and steady otherwise.

It doesn't matter what the cause - your husband isn't there for you. Use the anger that generates to pull your resolve and be there for yourself. You don't need him. He's not the damn surgeon. You'll get through this and be better than you were and then you can sort out the rest. I know it's hard dealing with all this when you're down, but concentrate on getting your strength back and focus on being there for yourself and not worrying about him or SD. We forget how strong we are on our own and that in even the best relationships, we might find ourselves alone in a crisis. You can do this. And when you do it alone, you'll realize you're stronger than you thought. Nothing that feels as good as that. There's a little saying I like to remember in these situations...the best revenge is happiness.

depressedme's picture

Thankyou for your kind words they mean a lot. I’m sorry a out your dog. It does feel like a betrayal doesn’t it? I’ve likened it to like him having an affair as that’s how it feels.

Iamwoman's picture

This is horrible! Your husband is ridiculously selfish! Sure, he made you a meal or two, but it sounds like he is done it bare minimum to “help” you just so you can’t say he didn’t try. That’s why he regretted letting you go to the store- he suddenly realized how bad it makes him look to anyone you might run into there.
He should never have gone to lunch with ANYONE on a day he stayed home specifically to be with you. That action tells me that it was more about taking a day away from the office than actually caring about you. You are lucky you didn’t die on the surgery table from the stress he put you through in the upcoming weeks pre surgery. Last summer someone I knew died from pre surgery life stress as soon as the anasthesia hit. They can’t predict these things. I would definitely file for divorce if I were you, but that’s because I’ve been down the road with someone like this in the past, and although they have “honeymoon “ periods, it never gets better. It doesn’t matter what he feels right now, or how hormonal you get. It is HIS duty right now to shove aside his own issues and wait on you hand and foot until you’re better. I’m sorry, but your husband makes me sick. Get out of there.

CLove's picture

Hugs to you!!!!

I hope you feel better soon, and I echo the above - focus on YOU. With everything thats going on for you emotionally, its hard to figure out the right course, but let your body heal, before making any decisions.

Even under the most perfect of conditions and with the most understanding and empathetic of people, what you are going through is hard. Many folks simply avoid those who are medically compromised. Because of fear.

Prayers for a speedy recover.

Focused_onourlife's picture

I second this!! I'm so very sorry you're going through this at such a time. Lower your expectations of your DH and whatever he does 'try to do' is a bonus at this point. no one will take care of you like you.

blueskies4me's picture

Undermines you.

Gaslights you.

Verbally abuses you.

Cares nothing for your wellbeing.

F*ck that bozo. Lawyer up on the sly; blindside that jerk. Separate finances immediately. Call up your adult (?) bios to help you out since you’re temporarily out of commission.

Good luck.

sandye21's picture

I went through this very thing with DH earlier on in our marriage. I fell down some steps, managed with help to get in my car, crawled up the steps to get into the house. DH downplayed everything, wouldn't help - told me it was just a minor sprain. A week and 1/2 later I finally drove myself to the urgent care clinic. Broken leg. I was so angry when I got home. I said to DH, "Don't ever get sick or incapacitated!" Then I told everyone what he did - even in front of him. At that point I didn't care if he got mad or not - he had no right to.

Last year I had to have shoulder surgery. He was an angel.

Don't be silent. Let friends and family know you need help. Embarrass the s**t out of DH. If he doesn't change his outlook after that, he isn't worth staying with.

depressedme's picture

Oh don’t worry I won’t be silent my friends all know what an unsopprtice arsehole he is but everyone else thinks the sun shines right out of his arse.

robin333's picture

Hugs depressed. I’m sorry these are your circumstances right now. Honestly, my DH would be sleeping on the porch if he ever called me a bitch. That’s just not acceptable. You deserve better and to be treated with respect.

I agree with the others suggesting counseling.

depressedme's picture

Thankyou I’m going to text the Counseller today , there is no point in trying to talk to him he doesn’t listen or have empathy for me and just gets annoyed. I’m done there isn’t much to say to home x

Icansorelate's picture

I had a hysterectomy a few years ago. It is a MAJOR surgery. It took me weeks and weeks to feel better. I went back to work after 4 weeks and my boss was like, " holy SH*T" you look bad, go home". I lost something like 10 pounds and my belly was so swollen it was like having a basketball in it.

Aside: hystersisters is a great website for support/knowledge about all things hysterectomy, including a$$hole partners.

What I am trying to say is this has nothing to do with your hormones. Your DH (dickbag Husband) is being an A$$. You need help, support, and time to heal. You should not be bending over, lifting anything heavier than a gallon of milk, and if you still have stitches, you DEFINITELY should not be driving. When you are able to move again, kick him for me and then again for you.

depressedme's picture

Thankyou, yes I’ve joined that site but haven’t posted yet I will do though. I don’t think he gets what a big op it was and has done the bear minimum to help me. Today he’s in Work to be honest I’m glad. I have friends coming to see me later. I’ve just gone into the laundry and I can’t believe he’s put all his clothes away and left mine and bs in a basket in the floor. Kind of a good analogy that. I haven’t cried yet today I think I’m in a state of shock about how uncaring he is. He hasn’t even hugged me in days it’s like he’s angry at me for needing him. Osd needs him all the time and he doesn’t bat an eyelid!!

CANYOUHELP's picture

Hi lady,

It was not the lunch that bothered you, my bet. This was a time he knew he needed to make you a continual short term priority and he could not even give that to you. He made her a priority at a time-- you needed him, as even the doctor had stated to both of you. Of course we understand you would be incredibly hurt and your DH is an insensitive piece of work. He lacks empathy and, like most our husbands, figures you will always be there, so why not make the daughter happy who likely punishes him severely if she is ever told no by dadddeee. I say, paybacks are...h,,ll. You see one day, daddeee will get sick and then maybe he needs a little tough love by you too. Women are nurturers by nature and this is hard to do, but DH needs to see what t feels like to be left all alone in sickness too. HE has no argument now. Use it.

You have every right to cry (f daddeee). You have every right to be upset and not speak to daddeeee. You have these rights, and daddeee cannot take your rights away from you even if he threatens you, calls you names and continues to bully you. You look out for you, you see who he looks out for, huh? The thing is, what goes around, comes around, and one day daddeee is going to need you to feed him and wipe his, among many other disgusting things that married people do for each other. It is only a matter of time!

Calling you a b, is abusive. You need to remind him you will not live with an abuser. Being angry is one thing, but name calling at an abusive level means the game is over. Do not take this nastiness and, do not engage in it. If he does not stop, as soon as you can get on your two feet and dry your tears, so find the meanest nastiest divorce attorney in town and tell him to let is daughter wipe is, you are done.

You hang in there lady, but kind to yourself, find your support somewhere else to get you through this sickness-- if needed; obviously, you cannot trust him to be in your court when you need him. And, no more lifting groceries, there is delivery now---spend HIS money on it, and do it.

depressedme's picture

Yes got it in one. That was meant to me my time and he gave it to osd. Whenever anything is happening with us osd pulls some attention seeking stunt or demands his time. I pointed out to him the night before he was working from home to help me and I just got accused of trying to get him to cut off all contact with the precious osd. And then he threw in this nutshell “ don’t expect them to care about you having an operation when you’ve disengaged and do nothing for them!!” Omg that’s the whole point I was sick and tired of doing stuff for them and being treated like shit. I said I don’t expect them to care they never did when will you realise that even before they treated me like I didn’t matter and made fun of me.

depressedme's picture

Thankyou for all your replies it means a lot I don’t know what I’d do without being able to talk to others
Who have been in this situation. I’ve realised the following:-

My dh has narcissist traits and puts in a good show but Definetly lacks empathy.

That given a choice he will always choose osd over me. I even had to stop him answering the phone to her when I was waiting to be wheeled into theatre they probly caught up for coffees etc that day and I’ve since found out a day off he took while I was in hospital he met up with her then too and had also made arrangements to meet her the day after my discharge but he cancelled her and she was pissed at him.

He’s pissed off with me disengaging because he doesn’t have a scapegoat

He puts himself first in every situation

I deserve to be treated with loving kindness not anger or half arsed care.

CANYOUHELP's picture

I have noticed my husband can be empathic, but if he feels the wrath of his DD, his empathy for me completely dries up, nada. Your SD is stirring the pot too, because she wants you to remain engaged to keep the nastiness going her way; the goal is to ruin your marriage by her. Most of these selfish, jealous women, decide that is the both their short term and long term goal and then start creating their strategic plans to make it happen. The best thing you can do is stay away from her, say nothing about her, erase her from your life and tell him to say nothing about her to you, ever. Try to live by those rules. If he goes to be with her, then you find something to do that is fun. But never engage in conversation about her positive or negative.

Just remember and accept, your husband it the only person who can make them respect you. If he is not man enough, and many, many are not; including my own, then YOU have to make them respect you; that includes your DH. You have no choice but to disengage at that point, you protect yourself, control you, and minimize your misery then...LOL

depressedme's picture

He won’t stand up to her as he’s afraid of being cut off. She won’t come here as she feels uncomfortable - as another poster said it’s because I call bs on her manipulation and she can’t stand it. Dh is far easier to manipulate on his own. I overheard dh telling her at the weekend he had 2 days working from home to look after me, and he wouldn’t be able to meet up with her this week but she kept on until she got her way knowing it would be taking time away from me but he plays into her hands whatever she wants she gets. She manipulated everybody around her this way but knows it doesn’t work with me. It would give her wmmense satisfaction to see us split up. She’s already told him to leave me as he doesn’t look happy lol!!

CANYOUHELP's picture

You already have something to celebrate, "she is uncomfortable in your home." Major win. I expect it is not all peaches and cream-- being around her for you, as well. You have her out of your home, that is 101 disengage. You are well on your way, husbands find it hard to believe it when wives we take back control over our own lives. Let it go, I know the timing sucked, but you will have your turn, one day. Let him go be with her all he wants, act like you could careless even if it kills you (and it will sometimes). Find refuge here with people who have been there and tried their best to make it work, but could not. The less you care, the less it will happen and the less enjoyment she will derive. He will eventually tell her you could care less where daddeeee goes, LOL. I would ask him to take his conversations in another room with her too, as you do not want to know about her or any of their plans. "Hon, I know you need private, comfortable time with your daughter and I feel it is best to make certain you both have that with each other."

depressedme's picture

Yes it was a win I didn’t realise until I found the letter she wrote sh a few months ago as he never openly said anything and about the same time I disengaged. In the letter she added these nuggets

“ Ysd and I feel like we don’t matter anymore it’s all about bs”
“ I understand he is a child and we are adults but we are still your children no matter how old we are you would never have gone on holiday without us not one mention of ysd and I , not even an invite , that hurt. You have taken bs on as tour own ( erm no he has a bd whonis a great dad much better than dh), but we do not feel we have been treated the same.
“ when it comes to me the only interest is in sgk. It’s always we miss sgk we want to see sgk we miss sgk, not we miss you”

“ I appreciate the gift for sgk but there never way a day you would never have bought ysd and me something even a fridge magnet”.

“ dhs parents live off $600 a fortnight and still managed to buy us 4 tins of formula and 5 boxes of nappies . This letter isn’t about money”

“ due to being made out to be ungrateful I cannot accept the clothes take them back . I came over to spend tome with u and I end up in the corner for 2 hours as you had friends over. All the attention on sgk”

“ I understand how much u love sgk I would never stop you seeing him , but I don’t feel
Comfortable coming over. I am happy to come to work or you can pop here. I am in a bad way mentally “

“ I never thought I’d see the day that I don’t feel like your entire world we have always been so close you have supported me and I have supported you but it doesn’t feel like that anymore. It feels like you have moved on without us. Like we don’t matter as much.”

“ love your emotional and hurt daughter”

stepintx's picture

I'm so sorry you're going through this! That is major surgery and is no joke! I can't imagine how alone, unloved, unwanted and horrible you must feel. I agree with the above posters to be kind to yourself, heal and then decide what you're going to do and how you're going to do it. Vent away here, we're here for you and rooting for you. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

depressedme's picture

Thankyou for your kind words. I’ve felt lonely for some time to be honest as there isn’t any emotional support or loving ness between us. I’m going to take the time to get well before I make moves to seperate x

CANYOUHELP's picture

Keep copies and document of all her insults written or stated (even if never used),-- somewhere in a place not accessible to him; you never know when your attorney might need it one day. Many ladies here have wisely documented their step kids nastiness (some step adults are really, really stupid, writing on FB about the SM's, including mine). Alienation of affection applies to step adults and DH's collusion, so get you a file started, and keep it outside of your house--just in case you need it one day; and it puts you back in the driver's seat of your own life.

Remember, always protect yourself....he will not do it for you.

Rags's picture

The beauty of the cell phone age is that you can call a locksmith to rekey the locks, order groceries for delivery, and purge this asshole and his toxic spawn from your life all with pushing a few buttons.

Take care of you. Having this dickhead and his toxic spawn in your life can't be healthy for you.

Good luck and my fondest wishes to you for a quick recovery.