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Roller coaster

Irene H.'s picture

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster.

Two days ago, SS15 got caught dealing drugs at school. And it’s like a bomb went off in our house.

BF and the ex are making all the decisions, none of which I agree with, and none of which I have a say in. 

For instance, they took his laptop for less than 48 hours, before giving it back to him. BF asked me what I thought, and I said keep it indefinitely. Make him earn it back, if he gets it back at all. I said wait 5 days, the same length of time he’s suspended, as a cooling off period, and then reassess. That wasn’t even considered. 

I suggested he be given chores while suspended. He hasn’t had a single one. I suggested he be forced to get a job if he gets expelled, and the idea was immediately dismissed.

When it happened, they were hoping he’d get sent to a group home or some sort of juvenile detention. But now they’ve decided they’re going to fight to try to get him probation, because they’re afraid he wouldn’t be safe in a jail setting. I’m telling you, the other inmates would need to be protected from HIM, and if one did hurt him, it’d probably be good for him.

And when they had a family meeting (without me of course) about it, somehow it became about how SS15 hates me and doesn’t want to be at our house anymore, because he doesn’t like me confronting him (his words). I only make him pick up after himself, and I won’t sit there silently while he disrespects his dad. And how did a conversation about him being a drug dealer, become a conversation about me, anyway?

Every single thing I’ve predicted about this bad seed has come true. You’d think they’d start listening to me at some point.

BF says I have a say. Apparently he thinks if he asks my opinion, then disregards it, I had a say. And I’m livid that he and the kids and his ex, apparently sat around discussing what SS15 thinks my flaws are. BF says he defended me, like that’s all that’s required. Like having a conversation about me, without me, AT HIS EX’s HOUSE NO LESS, is not a problem.

I’m angry and sad and I feel more than a little betrayed. I told BF I’m not sure whether I’m going to stay in this relationship. I thought nothing would ever take me away from him, that he’s the love of my life. But his kid is evil, and BF is letting him run the show, even now. 




ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Yeah that would be a big no-go. If you're EVER brought up in a negative light, idgaf who does it. He should shut it down and refuse to participate. No protection required because the topic isn't even open for discussion.

Stand up for yourself too. If he's going to be a d***, you deserve better. you shouldn't be somewhere a 15 year old druggie is running the show and avoiding consequences.

justmakingthebest's picture

Wow... just wow.

In your shoes I think I would be house hunting. I hate to say it, but that boy is going to be a drain for years. He isn't going to improve with parents like that and I am just to the point in my life where drama that could affect me, my kids, my livelyhood- NOPE. If your DH won't actually parent this kids- peace out homie. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Next time BF asks you "what you thought" tell him it doesn't matter as he doesn't take it into consideration anyway so why bother asking.

How did a conversation about him being a drug dealer, become a conversation about me, anyway?

It's ridiculous that they had a conversation about YOU when their son is the one getting busted for selling drugs so the coversation should be about HIM. You don't have ANYTHING to do with his actions and why he chose to sell drugs. If they want to sweep all this under the rug that's on them but you shouldn't be the topic of conversation and your BF should have made sure of that.

Disengage and really look at how your BF handles these situations because its just the beginning of what's to come in the future.

Cover1W's picture

Agreed x 100! 

I would have likely packed a bag and walked out if I heard that DH and BM were discussing me as if I was the problem.

Cbarton12's picture

That's awful. His son is completely being manipulative by twisting a conversation about his horrible deeds into something to do with you. When you or your house have no bearing on his delinquent ways. Your SO Should have shut that down immediately. No need to defend. Just immediately shut that conversation down. 

His parents are doing him a great disservice. This kid is not going to get better. He is going to get worse because his parents aren't taking this serious. He'll likely eventually be a felon and continue to make your life horrible. 

As much as you may love your SO, don't let him and his rotten kid ruin your life. 

CLove's picture

Or deflection. Take your pick, either way you are going to be the scapegoat because you are safe. The ones who are the perpetrators will not allow themselves to feel the guilt. "Oh poor baby, such evil GF!!!! She made him do it with her mean ways!!!"

"Im an excelent parent, it cannot possibly be MY fault!!!!"

"shes so mean, I HAD to do it!!!!"

Well, my 20 year old ex-stepkid (I no longer consider her family) decided to steal her mother's check book, write in amounts and not even sign them - just signed the backs for endorsements!!!! ANd somehow Toxic Troll BM is $1600 in the whole. The checks totaled $600, so I dont know what else she has been up to. Twit Feral Forger tried to blame mommas boyfriends, when clearly her signatures are on the back.

This just happened.

I would really start getting your ducks in a row. You seem like you are way stressed.

tog redux's picture

He lost his laptop for 48 hours for selling opioids in school. LOL!  I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist laughing, it's so ridiculous. 

Stop talking to this kid, period, beyond hello (if he says it first) and goodbye (if he says it first).  Let him treat his father like dirt, not your problem and apparently his father doesn't care. 

That is - if you stay.  Isn't this the kid who threatened to kill you? You should be the one saying you can't live with him.

No way I could feel love or respect for a man who is such a lousy parent. AND, he'll be rescuing his Poor Misunderstood Poopsie after 18.  Read "didntsignupforapunk"'s blogs - the kid is well into his 20's, in prison, and everyone STILL thinks he's an innocent misunderstood angel.


Harry's picture

Your fault he’s dealing drugs,  more your fault he stupid and got caught.  More your fault that BF and BM isn’t doing anything about it.  It’s going to be your fault when he goes to jail.  GGGG. What are they or who are going to  blame when you are not around.  They can’t blame themselves,,    Do not let this kid back into your home., DH can see hi outside the house. Of at jail. 

shamds's picture

Because he has so many flaws and constant deep shit with dad, whenever he has the opportunity he tries to paint me negatively and our kids or even my dad. Say we are all strangers, that we make him uncomfortable to say a basic hello... he just needs to make someone look bad just so the attention is off him.

in this case i know always because my husband shows the messages he instantly defends me and our kids or my dad. He states clearly ss has major issues and is the problem and that needs to change. 

But if your husband has a history of being a p*ssy, never standing up for you, you instantly won’t trust what he says...

Monkeysee's picture

Of course your skid turned the conversation around to you, what a perfect way to deflect the heat from himself. When in doubt, just blame SM!

Honestly this would be too much for me. This kid is dealing opioids & threatened to kill you, and your DH isn’t even considering your opinions on reasonable consequences for him??

I’d be looking for an out or planning my exit. This kid is going nowhere & his parents are helping fasttrack that with their stellar parenting... I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the little scumbag, and all respect for DH would be gone at that point. 

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. 

DPW's picture

Honestly, I would not wait for them to dictate what happens next. I would take this in my own hands and set my own boundaries with my husband with regards to his son. You are not second best. Take control if they are excluding you. 

marblefawn's picture

You served your purpose!!!!

When a stepparent enters the picture, the original family can finally be at peace! Nothing the bio parents ever did to a skid was ever as bad as what a stepparent has done! The kids can stop raging at mom and dad because now there's an outsider who is perfectly suited to scapegoating! And the bio parents finally get relief because, thank god, you are the problem, not the fact that THEY broke up the kid's happy first family and have raised him poorly from the start!

I've been there. No matter how bad SD behaved, SD always managed to blame me and I hardly even knew the girl! When there was a family meeting, my name always (apparently, because I was never there) floated to the top of the shit list -- the cause of all the problems!!!

You will always be this kid's excuse. And his parents are glad you're there so they don't have to shoulder the blame for this shitty human being they spawned.

They will not take your advice on child rearing. You can keep trying, but it won't work. Best to withdraw and hope the kid lands elsewhere. Or dump the relationship. It's one thing to be ignored when the kid is basically well behaved. It's a whole other thing to endure a problem kid with stupid parents. You've already done more than your share of time!

Or you could play the hard line. Tell your boyfriend you live by the letter of the law, so if you find drugs in your house or you see SS doing something illegal, you WILL report to police. That is a roundabout way of forcing your boyfriend to deal with his kid before you do. It ain't much, but you're only doing what the school would do -- if you see it, you report it.

I did this...after years of silently taking SD's belligerent digs and vile mouth, I told him my days of silent suffering are over, so the next time she digs at me, she will get the same treatment she gives, and I will take her apart in a way that prohibits reconstruction. I haven't seen SD since, so I consider it a success!

It's the same with you. You can't change how they raise their kid or how they let the kid blame you for everything, but you can change how you deal with their kid.