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Dh has been mopey ever since sd said she doesn't like it here.

stepmominhiding's picture

Ugh,  i hate that sd has so much control at my house. Ive not only try not to be alone with her, but im constantly walking on egg shells with her.  Anything i say is carefully crafted as to not upset her.   

I reminded dh last night,  in hopes to help him get over her words,  that im sure sd is feeling "something", but that she isn't sure what it is,  and that she's just pointing fingers at everyone in hopes to make herself feel better.

I didn't want to discount her emotions or feelings, but at the same time,  i wanted to remind him that he's been making every effort to spend as much time with her as possible, he's been bending over backwards to make sure she has the ability to spend time with her friends, everyone's been walking on eggshells around her trying to make her feel part of the family and at the same time not ever offend her with any thing they say. 

I just get so tired of it all. I get tired of her control over my home and dh's heart (it's his daughter i know she has control over his heart, but she's so reckless with it), i get tired of not feeling like this is my house when she's here.  I hate the havoc she creates.  

Dh will not only visit her outside the home.  He's afraid it will cause her more heartache.  So my plans, take my kids somewhere all day on the weekends she's here. And leave her home or insist that dh take her with him when he works if he's working to spend some much one on one needed daddy daughter time. 

flmomma08's picture

Don't walk on eggshells. And certainly don't leave your own home all weekend because of her. She needs to blend in to the family, not have everyone cater to her and tiptoe around. I would treat her the same as I treat my bios. She's a teenager, right? They are always moody. If you wouldn't tiptoe around your bios, don't do it with her either. Why does she need special treatment?

stepmominhiding's picture

Because she makes herself out to be a victim.  Supposedly I am always mean to her, especially when dh is not around. Supposedly my kids are horrible to her always, and i sit there and do nothing.  And dh does this and that for my kids, but totally ignores her. If he's not ignoring her,  he's being so mean to her. And that's why she doesn't want to be here anymore. 

All of this is of course lies and her trying to #1 shift blame  (it started off with a dirty spoon that nobody was going to get in trouble for, but she had to make it an argument that she then was going to get in trouble for,  so then she had to shift blame for why she's arguing)  #2 get pity, #3 manipulate the situation so someone (everyone)  got in trouble.  

flmomma08's picture

You don't need to be with her when DH isn't around. If he isn't home, she doesn't come over. I would completely disengage from that situation and let DH handle his own kid. Sounds like it's bringing you nothing but unnecessary stress. You could get cameras if you are really worried about her claiming mistreatment (they don't even have to be real - if she thinks there are cameras recording, she probably won't make things up).

stepmominhiding's picture

He won't do that,  he won't only get her if he's there. He'll get her and then if he has to work he's not going to drive 20 the to drop her off to turn around and drive 40 to where he needs to work. 

stepmominhiding's picture

Mostly he's there,  but he does get called away for work once in a while. He's not going to make a 20 min trip to work turn into an hour trip.  And then a 20 min trip home turn into another hour.  Also, when he's called away to work, he doesn't know before hand,  it might be morning of, or 10 min prior, so it's not like he could just pick sd the next day or take her home early.

Dovina's picture

to her! You continue life as usual when princess comes around. She is loving this control, and this will continue or get worse.

You do not have to leave when she comes over, do not give her that satisfaction. Most importantly step on those egg shells loudly. 

stepmominhiding's picture

I don't want to be in any situation that she can accuse me or my kids of mistreating her.  

lala-land's picture

It sounds like you need to protect the family from false accusations.  Time to install nanny cams in the public areas of your home.  There is nothing like evidence to shut this nonsense down, especially if your DH does not believe what is actually happening.

stepmominhiding's picture

He did believe all of them the first time we had this talk 1yr ago.  This time, esp since i have avoided anout of alone time with sd.  And I've been a big advocate of him spending as much one on one time with her as possible, and my kids mostly spend time in their rooms when she's here.  And this time many of the accusations where even towards himself, he called her bluff on most of it.  

tog redux's picture

Why is this about what DH is and isn't willing to do, instead of being about the well-being of you and your kids?  You need to stand up for yourself.  There is zero reason why he can't work out an arrangement with BM that if he gets called into work, she comes to pick up SD, except that he doesn't want to.

You can't get walked on if you aren't laying on the ground. 

stepmominhiding's picture

Your right, I'm much too passive.  I've spent my life bending over backwards for everyone else.  That's bem my problem since i ws a child. My parents always said the squeaky wheel gets the grease and i was never one to "squeak" i just give and give until i have nothing to give and never ask for anything in return.  

I just figure taking my kids out to do fun things on weekends with sd would be easiest for everyone. 

tog redux's picture

Start squeaking, sister! 

It's hard for passive people to take a stand, and DH will undoubtedly get angry.  It may be the easiest way to avoid conflict, but then YOU will be angry that you have to spend your whole weekend like a nomad wandering around with your kids to avoid SD.  And what would he do if he got called into work and you were gone? Would he drive SD to BM's? 

flmomma08's picture

I agree. I understand he gets called in at the last minute but still, this is NOT your problem or your responsibility! He has to figure something else out besides putting it on you!

Rags's picture

"im sure sd is feeling "something".............I didn't want to discount her emotions or feelings"  

Feelings and emotions.... What a crock of shit!

Far too often feelings and emotions are used as bullshit excuses for crappy behavior.  The little dears get a get out of jail free card for their crap because their fee fees cloud their fuzzy little brains.  I call bullshit on that.

You should not be walking on eggshells in YOUR home for any reason... ever.  Particularly to cater to a toxic hormonal moody teen.

IMHO it is far better and more effective to keep the moody bullshit front and center and to rub the noses of the toxic moody perpetrator's nose in the wet stinky spot of  moody bullshit in real time when they pull that shit.

While I appreciate your screen name I would never hide from any part of my life including being a SParent.

Don't be a shrinking violet.  Be up front with your life and your behavioral demands for those in your home.  If anyone needs to be "in hiding" it is the SD.

All IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

Harry's picture

If he want to see her and has to go into work.  Then he has to make other arrangements for her.  Drive her to BM or pay a babysitter.  And I do mean babysittier. Not your kid, not your problem. And you can not fix crazy 

TwoOfUs's picture

My OSD was like this for years. It was the worst feeling. I called her "the little black raincloud" to my family and always felt like I was walking on eggshells around her...I felt the dread rising in me around Wednesday afternoon/Thursday morning before skid weekends. I really wouldn't wish that feeling on my worst enemy. 

So...yeah. I totally get it. 

She was also like this protected, golden child for both DH and BM...even though she was just objectively the worst of the three. The least attractive, the worst personality...the worst hair (very thin up top so you can kind of almost see her scalp through it and stringy). The worst of everything. But she was treated like this fragile, delicate, princess who was an "old soul" and could do no wrong.

Oh yeah. This "old soul" also regularly hit and scratched her brother and sister...when she was in her mid-to-late teens. I remember one time she scratched YSD in the car and I said very loudly to my DH..."You know, when my sister _____ got into that scratching habit with her younger siblings, my parents would sit her down and cut all of her nails really short because they said she couldn't be trusted with them. (pause) Of course, she was eight so that was easier to enforce, I guess." I was just trying to get across how abnormal and insane it was that a 14/15 year-old was still behaving like a child. And she became bulimic and left dried vomit flakes all over my shower. 

DH eventually started setting boundaries with her and insisting on certain behavior. OSD was also wreckless with my DH's heart (I like how you put that)...said some of the cruelest things I've ever heard...and he kept coming back for more. As soon as she turned 18, she quit coming over, and for about 6 months or so DH kept inviting her to go to dinner/lunch with him. He took her to a really nice, expensive dinner for her birthday and came home and sobbed for several hours because OSD had told him that "SS and YSD don't like you either. We all make fun of you and TwoOfUs at mom's house all the time" and other delightful little bits of trivia.

We all went out for Father's Day (I invited her in secret and she agreed) and when DH found out  he was hopping around with excitement like a little kid. Never mind the two who were with us for the weekend and were always good to became all about OSD the minute he heard. We get there and she's so mean to everyone that YSD and DH are crying on the way home. I vowed that day to never buy her another meal in my life. 

Anyway. Say all this to say...about 6 months after she quit coming over, DH decided he was done. He told me that he wasn't going to contact her or invite her to anything any more, and that if she wanted a relationship with her dad...she'd have to pursue one. About 6 months after he went no contact, she invited him to coffee and it went well. Then a lunch...then she came to our house for a brunch she and DH have a very good relationship and she's actually fun to talk to and get to know as a person...not a dark little rain cloud of a child. 

Of course, during the 6 months when DH went silent on her she also moved out of BM's house. I think both of these things helped change her attitude toward her dad. 

I know it's tough now...but your DH should quit bending over backward for her and so should everyone else. She's not the only person in the household, and it't high-time she learned that.