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SD14 has said she doesn't want to come this weekend

stepmominhiding's picture

DH has EOWE and it would be SD's weekend to come see her dad. Well apparently she doesn't want to come for her visit. She text it to DH. He called her back to ask why, she said that it's because when things go down that he and I never take her side. Dh told her that when things go down, he tries to get both sides of the story and he finds out that SHE is the one who initiates most of the drama. Either that or when he's present and an arguement is starting he nips it in the bud before it gets too far. As far as for me, I don't take sides, If my kids are causing crap I tell them to stop. If SD is starting crap I tell her to stop.

One of her issues were from last week. DD16 stuck her finger in SD14's drink and I told DD that was gross and not ok to do, how would you like if SD did the same thing? You have to have more respect for people than that. DD16 apologized. SD went on and on about it for days. I told SD to knock it off and that situation has been handled. So now apparently she went home and talked to her mom about it and told her that I didn't say anything to DD about it and that I took DDs side.

Another Issue she has with me is that I MENTIONED that it seems that she has a lot of heartburn. She seemed to have taken it as an insult, which I completely don't understand, as I suffer from heartburn as well. I had just started making spaghetti and she said is it ok that she doesn't get sauce on the spaghetti and that she was having heart burn last night from pizza, and she usually gets heartburn from spaghetti. my response was "Huh, you seem to get heartburn a lot." I didn't say it as a insult. I merely was thinking that she should see a doctor since she seems to be having a lot of heartburn. It was out of concern. But of course she blew up and attempted to turn it around to DH that I was being mean to her.

Not only is she not coming this weekend, she's told DH that she'll have to think about next weekend after Dh's brother's funeral. Since it's the 1st weekend in Feb, DH should have her.

stepmominhiding's picture

I'm just so heartbroken for my husband. He's so sad right now. His dad passed away 2yrs sgo. His brother (only family left basically, other than a few cousins who live far away) passed away 2 weeks ago. And now he feels like he lost his daughter. He thinks she doesn't ever want to come back, efp if her mother convinces her not to

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Are "your" kids also "his"? (Biologically)

If not, I'd suggest you telling him to take her on a mini-vacation, or something.

Aniki's picture

I don't know where you're located, but your DH should be able to find SOMETHIING he and SD can do for free. Art museum, San Antonio Riverwalk, picnic in a park...

Thisisnotus's picture

I get that, I really do! I just think most of these teen step kids are master maniuplators........hopefully your DH won't try and "win" her back by buying her things, doing and catering to anything she says and what not....because I can tell you from experience that it doesn't work.....maybe it works for that one day...but that is it. Then your set up for a life time of having to do that or FEAR the "I'm not coming over" crap.

The best thing to do is:

1. Force her to come over. If it is a court order, then enforce it now and enforce it each and every time.....when these kids finally learn that they aren't the boss...alot of these problems go away.

2. Do nothing and ignore her......do not play into it. She will either come back or she won't....if he isn't willing to force her then this is the best bet. If she comes back great, if not.....it is the choice she has been given.

 

 

stepmominhiding's picture

I will definitely take this advice into consideration. I told DH maybe he can go take her to dinner or something this weekend, just him and her. But that's only if she wants to. I told him the only thing he can't do is stop trying to reach out. But yea, I do see how she could definitely do what you said.... I'm having panicked attacks over this whole ordeal.

Thisisnotus's picture

I wouldn't have him take her somewhere "special" like dinner....that would be rewarding her shitty behavior.....trust me when I say this...try to get over the "only if she wants to mentality" as if she is somehow the boss.....or you and especially your DH are in for a world of drama and heartache.

I can relate to this in alot of ways....

 

 

 

Petronella's picture

NOPE do not reward this bratty behavior! She doesn't get to go out for a special dinner because she refuses to follow the regular visitation schedule. She doesn't get to dictate when and where and under what circumstances she'll deign to see her father. DH needs to get firm with this kid and tell her that the schedule is not negotiable and that he expects her to be ready to come over at whatever the usual pickup time and place is. If he gets there and she really refuses to get in the car, DH should calmly tell her something like: "Well this is very disappointing. I love you and I look forward to our weekends together. However if that's how you really feel I'm not going to force you to come over. We'll see you next time." 

And please try not to worry or panic over this! This is between DH and SD. 

stepmominhiding's picture

Im trying. He just doesn't know what to say or do. I am having panic attacks over this because she's throwing me under the bus as well as my kids and my husband. Its really hard to deal when she's telling bm all these awful things about us.

Petronella's picture

Ugh, what a poisonous little brat. I would be very upset too! 

Why are you guys aware of what SD is telling BM about you? Is BM butting in? 

Petronella's picture

Ugh no surprise that BM is playing a big part in this. DH should probably reply, just once, that whatever SD is saying is not true; and that he still expects SE to come over.

2nd wives club's picture

Me too. 2 PASd and out, 1 PASd and will be out in less than a year, if I was a betting kinda woman. Then it will just be Christmas and Father's Day (maybe). Can't wait.

stepmominhiding's picture

Because he doesn't want to traumatize her by involving police to remove her from her home.

2nd wives club's picture

Gotcha. It will probably make life less stressful for you, at least! You can't care more than the parent.

Petronella's picture

It doesn't have to escalate to calling the police, for heaven's sake! But DH should still go to BM's or the school or whatever the usual pickup time is, in the expectation that SD will be ready to go as usual. If he gets there and they're throwing some big dramatic scene, he should refuse to get involved in the drama, no arguing or force. Just calmly tell SD that he's disappointed she won't be coming over but he'll see her next time and she can call to talk any time she wants. 

Ashleytenorio17's picture

My SD10 has just made that threat also. She uses it as a tool to manipulate DH! I would soooo glad if she didn't come because life goes on! The reason why my SD doesn't want to come this weekend is because my mom will be taking my BS8 over night as a treat for making honor roll. Why this is any of SDs business I have no idea

ESMOD's picture

I can see how she may have taken your heartburn comment as you were doubting her.. like "gee.. you seem to get heartburn a lot"... vs "Do you need me to pick you up som prilosec from the store.. or do you think your mom might want to get an appt for you at the DR if you are having a lot of heartburn?  And.. don't get me wrong.. I'm not saying that was your intent.. but I can see it taken that way.. and 14 yo's have thin skin.. so more likely for her to misinterpret.

It's also possible that you don't know the extent of your DD's interaction with her.. there may be more going on and that might be the true undercurrent.

I will say that as the girls became teens, they had more going on.. so there were times that they didn't come as often due to sports and social activities (we lived 2-3 hours each way.. so logistics). 

stepmominhiding's picture

Right, I can also see the possibility that she took it differently than it was intended. But we talked it out. And I told her if she EVER thinks I'm bring unfair or mistreating her, or bring mean, PLEASE cone to me and let me know so I can either check myself, or maybe explain myself. Please don't shrink off and feel like you can't speak up. 

 

Between her and dd16 they do have history of did being too touchy and feely for sd's taste, and it was DD being weird and gross. But after I told her it was gross and not OK she stopped and apologized. Did is seeing a counselor and over instructed DD to ASK first before hugs /touching people or their belongings. 

missginger's picture

OMG! If SD16 ever realizes she could play this card God help her becuase I will not stand for it!! (Trying to make me the SM the reason she doesn't want to see DH). Obviously your SD has learned the art of manipulation! It makes my blood boil to think about how some children hurt their parents. If this ever happened to DH he would be so upset. Now I see why he likes me to have as little intereaction with her. The less I say the less she can twist my words. 

Some days when he is bitching about his ex I just want to tell him that his daughter is going to grow up and be just like her!!!

stepmominhiding's picture

Yes, it happens! SD has officially become BM. She is 100% her mother made over.

justmakingthebest's picture

Kids don't make adult choices. This is the beginning of her believing that she has total control over her decisions. That is a road that I would keep a 14 yr old far from. There is a reason she can't drive, vote, get a job, sign a lease, get a loan, etc- she doesn't have the mental capacity to handle long term consequences. That is why at 14 we still have parents in control of our lives.

If you guys let this slide now, it is only going to get worse. 

Harry's picture

She will have control.  Only will want to go out to eat or shopping , DH will become an ATM not a parent .  SD and DH will go on special vacations as you sit home paiding for them to enjoy themselves. 
He should inforce SD coming to his house with out paying her.  Paying her for attention is bad parenting. SD should play your Game , not you playing her game 

Siemprematahari's picture

She shouldn't have a choice whether she wants to come over or not. Your H needs to follow the CO and not allow her or BM to think she has that sort of power and leverage. In agreement with posters above....stick to the visitation and DO NOT waiver.

Justthesecondwife's picture

I can so relate to your issue. My SD did this (among other really horrible things). DH was heartbroken and couldn't/wouldn't see she was just attention seeking, manipulating and trying to divide us. He chased her but never put his foot down as a parent and state she was a child and as such did not make the rules.

Fast forward 3 years, SD has not been at our house and I have not seen her since. Honestly, it's been a relief for me, however she got exactly what she wanted. Daddee never made her apologise for what she put us through, and she gets to have him fawn all over her and take her out on "dates" where she can pretend he doesn't have a wife or other family. Essentually she is rewarded for stealing, dividing and manipulating because Daddee is too much of a coward to actually parent.

Be careful how you move forward with this, understand your DH is upset but I would advise not to encourage special treatment of SD as she will just learn that manipulation is the key to getting what you want. This issue has caused a lot of resentment in my marriage and my respect of my DH has diminished with how weak he is and how he is fine with excluding me and my kids. 

Good luck, I hope your DH is man enough to be an effectual parent.

susanm's picture

I honestly don't understand why these men are so terrified of their own children.  My own DH is the same way and it has frustrated me and enraged me for years.  My SD pulled this sort of thing all the time and quite frequently in conjunction with something going on with DH's life.  I never understood why he did not face her down with "Look you selfish little brat - my grandmother just died and I could use a little bit of compassion until we bury her.  You are 16 now and should know how to be nice to someone for at least a weekend once in a while after the privileged life you have been living.  Any chance you could give me a break?"  But no......could never possibly say something even remotely critical to the Princess!

I hope that he just leaves her to stew and for the love of all that is holy does not take her out for "something special" to try and entice her to come over.  He will live to seriously regret that.

Rags's picture

If DH has a visitation order then SD has no choice. If BM does not surrender the Skid per the CO then DH can smack her with a contempt motion.

Lather, rinse, repeat until the Skid pulls her head out and gets back on the visitation schedule.

The good news is that if DH won't inforce his visitation, your home remains uninvaded by manipulative little shit Skids.