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Things ive learned that has helped MY sanity pt 2

stepmominhiding's picture

I can't care more than my DH.  

My DH is letting sd14 go home early over Christmas break (sd asked for this). I know that shouldn't bother me. I should be ecstatic.  She's aweful.  But at the same time it bothers me because they (DH and sd) should make spending time together more of a priority.  They should really want  to spend their entire scheduled break together.  I have to take a step back, take a breath and concentrate on my own kids and just let DH and sd do their thing, because if i insert my energy in their thing, I'll be over stepping my boundaries ands I'l go crazy. 


So here i am stepping back, ands i am letting them do their thing. 

Animegirl's picture

What DH *should* be doing is up to him. I say enjoy the time you'll have together with DH. You can't forge their relationship for them Smile

stepmominhiding's picture

So true

Siemprematahari's picture

Yes step back and disengage from it all. Whatever they do or don't do is on them. Enjoy the time without SD! Look at the small blessings in all this.

stepmominhiding's picture

Thanks!  It's a process.  I KNOW it's right to step back,  but knowing and doing are 2 separate things.  I am definitely trying. I just need to take a breath and "hold my tongue"

ESMOD's picture

It's likely completely understandable on her part.  Probably wants to be home to do things with her friends.  At that age.. family often comes 2nd.  It did for me.

Harry's picture

So when DH blames you in the future, that SD doesn't see him anymore.  You have proof that he let it happen .  You know it's always the SM fault 

Rags's picture

and... you are still going crazy. 

So, try something different.  Ask DH and SD how early she is leaving and remove two SD Christmas gifts from under the tree for each day she leaves early and tell them that the rewards of being a family member requires SD to participate.  Grab the gifts randomly and immediately take them to GoodWill fully wrapped.  Hopefully it will be the good stuff that you confiscate.

Keep it simple.  

All of the drama around the Holidays just chaps my butt.  If people would not tolerate it and would confront it immediately it would end.

Dad's time is Dad's time.  Dad needs to make it clear that she can see her friends and BM's family on BM's time.  We used this liberally during our 18 years under a CO (16 while married) to minimize SpermClan manipulative bullshit.  When we applied consequences and did not cater to the seemingly incessent special requests eventually they caught a clue and changed their tactics.

IMHO of course.

stepmominhiding's picture

I need to step back because if i say anything it will be me being the evil step mom (either in sd or DH's eyes)  so if i just take a breath and let them handle it, there will be less resentment in the future.  

sandye21's picture

When she is gone, give yourself a special gift - because you deserve it.  Something to look forward to which will make the time with SD diminish in importance.

Rags's picture

My wife had this same perspective for a number of years early in our marrige.  If she just went along she hoped that they would not take their frustrations out on SS when he was on SpermLand visitation.

They took their frustrations out on him regardless and when I was able to get my bride to recognize this she changed how she dealt with them and made their choices to take their crap out on the Skid increasingly painful for them.

Pain changed their behavior while ignoring it just facilitated their crap.

Penny19's picture

I have found that in my case the SM is usually the SG (Scape Goat) when things aren't as expected. For instance, sometimes my DH will not go to a certain family function of his for reasons of his own which are entirely unrelated to me; BUT I know the rumblings in the background cast the blame on me. I would step back from your situation as far as possible so that you are not involved in helping or hindering. I call it being the 'Teflon Don.'  Let them work it out.