Should I bring it up or let it go?
My SO, his family nor BM never celebrate Shabbat. But since they were worried about some of their relatives experiencing a major conflict; they actually kept Shabbat. I went along as well as and some other family friends were there and everyone was nice. It was actually the best interaction I actually had with his family. I don't know if it was because they were a little emotional and worried but they were easy to be around.
Then at the end when we were leaving SO and BM hugged and kissed each other on the cheeks. BM also hugged and kissed my cheeks. I was so shocked, this was the first time I had ever seen them do this. And the first time BM ever did that to me. But they did do it to everyone else there and everyone else did it to each other including me. Hugging and kissing family and friends on the cheeks is typical in their culture. In their culture they are very affectionate to each other. But never had he done it to BM or BM done it to me. In the past when everyone greeted each other that way BM and SO never did so neither did BM and I greet each other like that.
I am wondering if I should address this with my SO. I know he is very worried about his parents who live in one of the cities that has been the most affected. Both BM and SO also have siblings that are still doing their military service. So I know it is a stressful time. He has also been more quiet and introspective lately. Or should I let it go as a one time sort of thing? It really did bother me because he did it without hesitation like it wasn't even awkward. I felt very awkward greeting BM in that way but if she felt my awkwardness she did not react to it. If I were to hug my ex if something tragic happened to him it would be so awkward and I would definitely hesitate at a minimum. I really couldn't imagine greeting him with a hug and kisses on the cheeks, granted my ex and I barely get along at the best of times.
- autumn_raynes's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I would let this one go. If
I would let this one go. If it happens again at a future event and you feel similarly then say something at that time.
I'd let this go. It's a
I'd let this go. It's a family custom (consider where they originated from ...) and they have been doing this forever so it's completely ingrained.
I started to say let it go
I started to say let it go but then I read your last blog. I don't think many women are going to be okay with BM being at every family event because she's pals with his aunts or can't make friends of her own in the US. To me, your SO is way too enmeshed with her still. He still thinks it's best for the kids if she's at HIS family events, regardless of what might be best for you or even him. She can be friends with his aunts and not go to their holiday events, and I call BS on "poor immigrant BM is on her own in the US". Has she not made any friends through the synagogue or her work or anywhere? Time for her to do so.
I'm all for honoring culture, but in general, it's polite to not speak another language when someone else is around who does not speak that language. Does BM not speak English?
You are between a rock and a hard place though. If you insist that BM not be there, they will dislike you. And your SO doesn't seem to have an issue with it. So you will have to either accept her being there, or perhaps not go. But overall I think this in an issue with your SO not setting good boundaries with his ex-wife and family.
(Culturally the kiss on the cheeks and the speaking Hebrew is fine, but there is way more than that going on here).
I have some experience with
I have some experience with this. OP can't win in this situation. Either she is left out and disrespected, or made to look like the "bad guy" and feel like sh!t for having normal feelings and expressing them.
Dang
I would not be comfortable. Hugging and kissing BM and watching my DH do that as well.
Shabbat. What is that? Is it like Christmas or Easter?
what ever happened to celebrating holidays separate after divorce?
It's the weekly Sabbath.
It's the Sabbath, sunset Friday to sunset Saturday. Sounds like they don't this every week but did now due to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict going on.
OH
So its frigging weekly. Thats even worse. I mean who goes to Church every sunday with their ex?
ETA OK thanks
Worse than church, it's a
Worse than church, it's a family dinner. But, it sounds like they don't do it weekly with BM.
My exH is Jewish and I will
My exH is Jewish and I will say the greeting during Shabbat is normal, however that is not what the real issue is like the others have posted. I agree that this is not a good relationship for you (or any woman) to be in right now. Until he is ready to sever his ties with his ex wife, he is still emotionally unavailable.
BM definitely speaks English
BM definitely speaks English well enough, she went to college in the US. His aunt has also been living in the US 20+ years so she speaks English too. I think BM has isolated herself in the US so that all the people she are friends with are my SO's family or their family friends. She has no friends outside of that group. She works remotely and I don't know how involve she is with going to the synagogue outside of the big holiday events.
My SO definitely does not do Shabbat every weekend, thankfully. He isn't very practicing.
Outside of his family we have such a great relationship. He is very spontaneous and the most laid back and fun person I have ever met outside of work because he can be a bit of a workaholic. To some degree I think even he recognizes his US based family is more BM family than his because he barely knew them growing up because they lived in two different countries for most of his childhood. They only truly reconnected when BM and him remigrated to the US after college. SO has other friends from outside that circle that I get along with beautifully and he also gets along with my friends and family.
What would you say would be some good boundaries to set with his family?
On the English thing - for a
On the English thing - for a long time, i was afraid to say anything because i wanted to be respectful of their culture. But - when BM would speak only their language to him when i was around, yet i knew they spoke English to each other when they talked on the phone, i realized it was exclusion. Hell, their kids only speak English because that's what they spoke in their marital home while married. When his family speaks only their language around me and i found out they have been living in the US *longer than i have been alive*, so, technically they have been speaking it longer than i have - i knew it was exclusion.
Now, i don't try to change what the family does. But - i do expect my SO not to participate in blatant exclusion. I will get up from the table if it happens or leave to go home. And if he does it again, well, we will cross that bridge when we get there.
ETA your SO can support you by translating everything they say when you are around and eventually, they will tire of it and include you. Or he will tire of it and set some boundaries himself.
Per my SO, he and BM usually
Per my SO, he and BM usually spoke Hebrew to each other even when married. The kids actually had to learn English when they remigrated to the US.
It is usually BM and his aunt having private conversations to each other in Russian because his aunt does not speak Hebrew either. It is more like they speak that way because they only want the other to understand although my SO also speaks Russian. He isn't included in the private conversation.
It's rude to do that,
It's rude to do that, especially in front of you.
I'm not sure I'd go to events that BM attended, except those where it makes sense - sports games, graduations, wedding, etc.
autumn
Since you said he doesnt usually practice shabat that is one place to start a boundary. Tell him you are not comfortable with this.
I get it, well I dont, so if you must do holidays just make it the big holidays. Not a weekly holiday thats too much.
Yeah. I am sympathetic that
Yeah. I am sympathetic that they are worried about family, but he does not need to be leaning on BM and pulling closer to her when worried. To me, that says that in his time of stress, he (or his family and by proxy him) still needs BM.
I totally agree that a weekly
I totally agree that a weekly Shabbat is not okay and will be a no go. I don't expect that he will actually ever start doing it weekly because he thinks it is too restrictive.
I actually think it is BM who is too dependent on his family and not the other way around.
Maybe, but it's up to him to
Maybe, but it's up to him to let his family know he's not okay with that - except, he IS okay with that.
Yes THIS!
OP let him know completely how you feel. The holidays, the language barrier which is rude because you dont speak russian or jewish. Ultimatums are usually not ok, but this one I would. Tell the shmuck , lol thats jewish right?, either its you or BM. Meaning we do visits but not with BM . With BM there you feel like the outsider. Its me or her. Its up to him to fix that.
If he tells you they are BM's support. Tell him you dont have to go at the same time, this is problematic. BM support system is not his problem.
I know you say otherwise he is great . This though is a big problem. Your DH has a chance to show you where you rank on the priority list.
I will have a more candid
I will have a more candid conversation with him about my feeling about the holidays and his family. Not right now obviously because he is too anxious and distracted to have a real conversation about this all.