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My SD is very indifferent towards me

babygrl8301's picture

Hello, I'm 33 yrs old and have no kids of my own. I have been with my husband for 5 yrs (he is a really nice guy). He has 2 girls which we see every other weekend ages 9 and 11. The oldest seems not to like me. Actually she seems quite indifferent about my presence. Its been this way for a while. When she was around 8 yrs old she made it a point to bring me a an old pic of her mom and dad when they were still married and together. Needless to say, it was awkward for me. Another time I was telling her how nice it was that she and her sis where a part of my life and how they were like the daughters i never had and she turned to me and said in a very cold and not caring tone " Well, you have 2 cats?"...... When we pick them up at school they greet there dad with a warm hello and big hug and all I get ( if anything) is a "hey"...The only time she acknowledges me in a sweet way is when she needs a favor from me or wants me to convince her dad to buy her something or take her somewhere...I feel bad for saying this but I am starting to dislike when they are around. I feel like a third wheel.

Ultimately My question is, should I stop trying so hard and be indifferent with them as well or should i continue kissing their a** as i have been doing?

Comments

Anon2009's picture

and let them come to you.

I tried too hard to "win over" my SDs when we had them EOW (we now have full custody) and it got me nowhere. They were/are victims of Parental Alienation Syndrome. That is, their mom was telling them lies about DH (and me).

Maybe you could allow them each an hour or two of 1-on-1 time with DH every now and then. They might, while conversing with him about life, open up to him about their feelings about you and what's really going on.

Once I stopped trying, it felt like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. I think it also felt that way for my SDs. No longer did they have to worry about me trying to win them over.

I do think your DH needs to enforce basic civility and respect towards you. Instead of saying "hey" when they see you, they need to say things like, "Hi SM, how are you? How are things going?" There needs to be consequences if they just say "hey" to you. They don't have to hug or kiss you, but they do need to greet you in a civilized tone of voice. One thing I have learned as a skid and as a SM is that you cannot make your skids love, like or feel respect towards you. However, you and your DH can make sure that they treat you with respect and civility.

arbiecat's picture

Of their relationship with their father. Marrying a man with children does not mean those children are going to think of you as a parent. I would continue to be courteous to them and not interfere with their relationship with their father.

lovelovelove's picture

Only my SD's are 12 and 15. (11 and 14 when I met them last year)...

This is exactly what they do to me. I have had the most problems with the oldest, as well. You need to disengage, just like I have done. I refuse to kiss their asses anymore and DH and I have talked about it. He agrees! He said that until they can show you the same respect, that I need to let them know that I am not doing anything else for them. They say that 'I am not their mom'...so hey, 'they are not my kids' and I am not going to treat them as such until I get the SAME respect!

From the beginning, I was going out of my way to buy them special gifts, buy them what they like to eat at the grocery store (ice cream, candy, ect.)...I was taking them to and from practices and activities when DH and BM were not available, I cook, clean up after them, treat them with respect...basically kiss their asses hoping that they would someday "like me".

F*CK that...not anymore. They have treated me like shit for the last year (with the influence of their jealous, crazy, lesbian mother) and I am DONE. They treat me like I am some kind of alien when we are anywhere that there mom is because if they "liked me" at all it might upset the crazy bitch...and God forbid Miss Pedestal gets upset! They can fend for themselves when they are over here...I am SO over it.

I say disengage. Maybe they will get the hint that they need to stop being assholes to you!

Love Wink