Stepmom vent
So people talk about how hard it is raising children. I want to say try raising someone else's. But I can't. My husband has full legal and physical custody of his 3 and 4 year old children. Their mother has supervised visitation every other weekend with the approval of their grandmother. In other words, bio-mom gets to be the fun mom while I have to be responsible mom with no credit. She pays $180 a month while I went in debt before my husband and I were even married because I saw that they needed clothes. I lost 3 1/2 weeks of work last year not counting 9 days of my 10 day vacation due to them between doctor visits, sickness, starting pre-k, etc. I was changing diapers and have now potty trained both of them. I take them to school and daycare. I do all the things a mother does and I cannot even pick up their birth certificates up from the courthouse bu their grandmother can. I went to register my step daughter for school and was told her dad would need to come in. I will be the one doing home work, taking her to school, going on field trips but I cannot register her for school. They acted like I was a stranger to my own daughter.
Then there is the fact that I don't have my own kids that goes into play. My house hold will never be fair. I will always be giving more and there is a constant battle for appreciation. It's stupid. I know my husband appreciates me but then I'm thinking does he really have any idea of how much I'm sacrifising for him. But then I know that's not fair to him because he never asked me to so then I feel guilty.
The mother. I never asked the kids to call me mommy. It just happened. I am their mommy. I've been in the youngest child's life more than she has been. He knows me and he is just recently getting to know her. She insist that they call me my name. I did not give birth but I haver certainly earned the title of mommy. Anyone can lay down and expect a salution but when you stay up late, get up early, cry with your babies, laugh with your babies, give everything of yourself and hurt for your kids, you have earned that right.
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Comments
You deserve a star
I deeply appreciate and understand what you are doing. You deserve a star in heaven. Very best wishes on your difficult journey.
Well, this is tough. You are
Well, this is tough. You are doing a wonderful thing for these kids, but my guess is you will get little praise, lots of criticism, and at some point, they may stop calling you Mommy and run straight to BM, regardless of how absent she's been. If you can live with all of those possibilities, keep on - but if not, pull DH into doing more parenting of HIS kids. You aren't obligated to take over parenting just because you are a woman.
It's nice that you've stepped
It's nice that you've stepped in for the kids. But what is your husband doing? At first I thought maybe you are staying home with the kids but you mentioned missing a lot of work last year due to sick kids. What about your husband? Is he missing as much work as you when these kids are sick? He should also be involved in potty training, dr appointments, school pick up and drop offs, field trips, etc. It sounds like you're a (married) single mom to kids that aren't even biologically yours.
My husband
Sorry not to talk about my husband.
He is a blessing and a wonderful dad. He is amazing with his kids. His patience level is unbelievable where mine is not so great. He does take off when he can but my job is a lot more flexible than his. I also now have 3 weeks vacation where he only has one week. He does take over some nights and lets me rest if I need to like last night I was sick so he took care ofthe kids. He tries to show me that he appreciates me but realistically what can he do? Am I expecting a metal? It has to get old for me to be constantly reminding him of everything. I know it's hard for him but I do wish he could be a little more sensitive especially when it comes to balancing time.
YES, you should get a medal.
YES, you should get a medal. These are not your children and anything that you do for them is completely voluntary. You are not obligated to help at all - he should be doing the bulk of the work with HIS kids.
I'm sorry but taking over
I'm sorry but taking over watching his kids to "let" you rest while you were sick isn't great parenting. It sounds like he's hoisted most of his parenting responsibilities on you.
I think it's fine for you to help out. But anything you do should be because you want to. And he really should be doing the bulk of the parenting. Please remember that the kids do have a mom and while she may suck the kids likely won't see it that way.
Eh, why does he get to "take
Eh, why does he get to "take off" but you can't?
Would he do the same if you guys are not married? You having a job that's more flexible doesn't mean you owe him your flexibility. (if he's not happy with his job's limitation...he can change) I hope he's at least doing the housework since it sounds like you're spending most of your time with the kids already. (And they are not even yours!)
I do understand the frustration of the need to constantly reminding the husband to do this and that (MEN!). I think this part is just that we women were born with elephant's memory though.
Great Job!
You needed some appreciation - well there you go. I am always telling this to DH - Stepparents "step in" when the bio parents dont and then we get upset when we are not recognized and/or appreciated for this. Which sucks even more because we are not their bio parents. And if we were, all this would be "expected", but then also rewarded (mothers days...etc).
It seems like you have fallen into the trap of "filling in" for the bio parents - both of them. I feel that your husband (the BIO parent) should be doing the bulk of the parenting stuff. I get that you are getting more flex time and vaca time and that if he did actually do all those appointments then you would be out some money, but seriously - he needs to step up some more. Because it sounds from your post you are doing the bulk of the parenting.
And it is to be expected that when they get old enough, they will start putting their bio mother up on that pedestal, because no rules and shes the fun run. Then if she goes for more custody time get ready for more sadness and heartbreak as they look at you as the evil stepmom and she as the Golden Mother of All time.
I hope this doesnt happen - sincerely. But Ive been in this 6 loooooooong years. Protect your heart is what I am told here and would like to tell you as well - "Protect your heart and your Health!"
Knowing what I know now, don
Knowing what I know now, don't let the BM bug you, tell skids you're doing all the mom work, they should be respectful and call you mom, period. That's how it works in foster homes, that's how it should be for absent POS parents. If BM decides to get her stuff together and behave like a mom, she can earn her title back. I wouldn't budge on that, you're working your tush off for them you should get the title, the respect, and the accolades.
Thank you for that! Really
Thank you for that! Really helps!
Sounds like it's time for you
Sounds like it's time for you to take a 3 week vacation on your own and let DH deal with HIS children. How nice of him to watch his kids every once in a while so you can rest *insert sarcasm font*. Yes he's a great patient father because you do the majority of the parenting.
You may be "mommy" now to preschool children whose mom is getting herself together but it's guaranteed that things will change. Pretty soon you're going to be hearing, "You're not my mom!" "I hate you!" "I want to live with my mom!" Just wait, the little dears will turn on you.
I know, I know, they all love and need you so much. Yes, because they're young and need care but a nanny could do everything you're doing with just as much authority. DH appreciates you so much (ha). The man wouldn't be able to have full custody if YOU weren't around to care for HIS kids.
"there is a constant battle for appreciation. " Oh honey no. What you're going to get is expectation not appreciation. I dare you to pull back a little and let DH deal with his kids. Make him miss work to pick his kids up. He can get a freaking sitter on his dime. You're going to regret all this time you've dumped into floating his life for him. Mom will always be in the picture. You're not the momma! You earn the title of mom through adoption or having your own kids. You're stepmom and a caregiver. It doesn't matter how unfit she is right now, if biomom doesn't want them calling you mom then that needs to stop. She wouldn't be the first mom to go to court to stop the kids from calling SM mom.
I feel for you because your story comes across as niave. It sounds like you think you're all going to be one happy family and everyone should appreciate your sacrifices. Let me tell you, they don't. Your STEPKIDS have two parents who love them and are in their lives. Mom is crappy now but she clearly is involved with them. Your DH is crappy to, he "won" the kids from mom only to turn them over to you. I know your DH wants you to be a replacement mother but it will never happen in the kids hearts. Even so, would you really want them to? I mean what kind of person tries to replace a bioparent who is in the kids lives? So you spend more time with them, well my kids spent more time during the day face to face with teachers at school than at home with me. Does that mean I should be replaced? Should nanny's be considered the real mom since they care for kids all day while the parents work?
Please get real. Rose colored glasses only mask the sh*t that you're up to your neck in in stepworld.
Stepworld
Are you an actual SP or a BM trolling to find dirt on the great SM you’re kids are looking up to?
Biomom
First of all, giving birth doesn't make you a mother. It means you can lay on you back, incubate and push. A mother is the one that puts her children above herself. The one that wakes up in the middle of the night when a child's sick, first one to get up in the morning and the last to go to bed because she is making sure the kids have breakfast ready and all the laundry is caught up, puts the kids needs and wants above her own. A mother teaches her children that they are to responsible and mannerly. She doesn't play part time parent when it's convenient. A "loving" mother doesn't leave her babies (ages 1 and 2 at the time) in a car by themselves while she goes gambling. She doesn't get arrested every 6 months. She calls more than 3 or 4 times in a year.
I may not have given birth but I earned my mommy status.
You sound like a wonderful
You sound like a wonderful mother to these kids and with a BM like they have, they need you. I think it's part societal views that women take off to handle the "kid stuff". I get it, I place myself with that burden too. My SS20 is special needs and I have taken over all of his therapy and medical appointments. It is just who I am and how I do things. I know DH is thankful and grateful and tells me often that he appreciates me but I get what you are saying.
One things that might help you is getting some specialized power of Attorney's. It will cost a little but if you can whip that bad boy out and shut people up, your life will be easier. Get one for school and medical at the minimum.
Power of Attorney
I did get medical authorization in his absense but as far as school, what would I need? My state doesn't give step parents any rights.
Everyone is making my husband sound horrible on here but he actually had full custody before we met. He is an amazing father. He is not an amazing mother. Together we are the parents our babies need. I couldn't do it without him and the kids quality of life wouldn't be as good without me. He never asked to me do what I do. It just came natural from the beginning., i'm glad someone else understands that aspect. I would not expect to be the kids mom if they had one that contributed something but she doesn't even call them. Last year they saw her maybe 7 times. This year she has been a little more pro active but she's always causing some sort of drama so it scares me.
It is just an educational
It is just an educational power of attorney. Just like the medical one you have. Schools, hospitals/ doctors like to see the specialized ones over general POA's. It would give you the power to enroll, work with teachers, help with IEPs if it was ever needed, etc.
Thank you
Thank you so much! Having one of those will make my life so much easier!