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Bedroom privacy

Zee_tee's picture

I've been living with my boyfriend for 10 months now and his 4 year old daughter lives with us half the time.  I do not have kids and I've grown up with privacy.  I bought my own condo and they live with me.  I wanted my bedroom to be the one place where I have my privacy and alone tine.  The rules are if she wants either one of us and we are in the bedroom she shoukd knock first.  I grew up respecting my parents bedroom.  Mynparents grew up knocking first too.  We never barged in on each other as respecting privacy was something that was taught to us as a subject of good manners.  My boyfriend completely did not grow up this way.  He tells me I'm the only one he knows that makes the parental bedroom off limits. 

I'm not a parent.  And I think respecting my privacy and boundaries is not wrong and its important in step families for both the step-parent and a stepchild to respect and understand these boundaries of privacy.  

My boyfriend has accpeted this but he just doesn't seem to think its normal.  I feel like he needs to understand that he's in a step-like relationship so he can't compare our situation to anyone else's.  Regardless, I've been online and many parents believe in setting boundaries and making their bedroom an adult space where kids can't just walk in and out of.

SteppedOut's picture

He likely tries to guilt or gaslight about it...she is likely growing quite weary. 

OP, does your bf pay you rent? 

ETA: zombie post got me.

tog redux's picture

First off, she's not YOUR child, so having her in your bedroom/bed is a very different thing FOR YOU than it is for him.

And secondly, it's common courtesy to knock on a closed door in a home without barging in.  Does he want his daughter learning to respect the privacy of others or not?

My parents' bedroom wasn't "off-limits", we were welcome in there, if the door was open.  If not, we stayed away and knocked only if it was necessary.

SM12's picture

My DH was bad about letting his kids have free reign over the entire house.  I had no place to call my own.  I finally had to put limits on my bedroom.  He would allow them to watch tv or play video games in my room.   Finally I put a stop to it.  I don’t really mind YSS coming in to watch tv or play games as long as I say ok.  He knows if the door is shut that means no.  He won’t even bother knocking as he knows that is my alone time. 

Kids need boundaries and your SO is doing his daughter a dis-service by not teaching her that lesson.

Harry's picture

There is no reason for SD to be in your bedroom.  Just explain to your SO this is how you want it.  And see how your SO  reaction are.  It he put you as the adult. and as a equal partner can make a rule with out questioning.  Or is he going to play to SD wants and give her the power to make rules. 

That is a test to see how or where you fit in.  A equal wife or another child 

shamds's picture

disturbed unless its an emergency so use common sense. If its after 10pm or early morning on a weekend, use your brain and common sense that people are sleeping and trying to sleep and do not want to be disturbed unless its an emergency meaning life and death etc... 

when my son was barely a month old and we were on holiday at hubbys family home (we have our own private bedroom-just for me and hubby and our 2 kids) i had gone to have a shower, my ss then 19 had come in our room and layed on my side of the bed and my son had been crying and he didn’t bother to get his dad. He just layed there and ignored him. I had gone to have a quick shower and came out and he just stares at me.. i gave him this look like “gtfo NOOOOOWWWWWW!” Right after he left hubby comes in and i’m getting dressed and ss knocks on the door and straight away barges in (there was not enough time to say wait don’t come in!!” He knocked so quickly and just comes in and i was naked and getting dressed.

Hubby was near the door and told ss off “what the hell are you doing and coming into our room?” He just looked dumbfounded..

Another time sd23 at 7am whilst we are all sleeping is banging mad on our bedroom door shouting “DADDY DADDY DADDY I NEED THE CAR KEYS!!” Her emergency was she needed to get the special bag of sugar she bought for her aunty that didn’t even need to use it that day. My sleeping toddlers were starting to wake up and me and hubby we’re trying to have sex.

that was a total mood killer that whole weekend. Never again do i go on these holidays where skids will be because another time this happens i am telling them off loudly to stop being so friggin rude, i have 2 sleeping kids and your banging like a mad banshee and shouting your dads name so unless what you have is a friggin emergency like someone is about to die, you can wait till we are free”

but my skids have no respect for boundaries...

Rags's picture

Your home, your rules. He complies or he and his daughter leave.

Keep it simple.  Tell him that his daughter does not enter your bedroom unless she knocks and is told to enter.  PERIOD!

Growing up my parents room was off limits if the door was closed.  Even when the door was open we had to knock and given permission before we entered.  Your SO is gaslighting you with his stance that you are not normal.

He would be homeless if he were my SO.

Take care of  you.

Zee_tee's picture

Just to provide an update...we talked about this after work.  We went through some articles, read many different perspectives.  He admitted he was wrong and apologized and realized that just because he didnt grow up with bedroom privacy as "his normal" doesn't mean me wanting this is "not normal".  He's agreed to research more on the topic and understands how what he said minimized my valid feelings.

Anyway long story short bedroom privacy issue is put to bed.  Thanks for all the feedback everyone

Leilene's picture

Because at the end of the day, that’s what this really is. Another single father eager to be passive and willing to blur boundaries and sacrifice his partner’s comfort and standards in a home for the sake of his leftover family. 

You bought the condo, correct? Your rules. Especially if the condo is in your name. I grew up in a two parent household and their bedroom was strictly off limits unless we were permitted otherwise especially if they were not home. It is not unreasonable for grown adults to want their own space in a home that is overrun by children. No adult wants some child coming into their private space and messing things up or going through things that are private. Even if he didn’t grow up that way that doesn’t mean his child should be welcomed and entitled to trample all over your personal space and that his ideas should overrule the living space you bought. 

nevaland's picture

I had a hard time with this too, because it has always just been my husband and his daughter and she is sometimes okay with knocking, but she doesn't often wait for an answer. A lot of times she doesn't knock and we've almost been caught a few times. I think my husband agrees with the privacy concept but hasn't needed to enforce it and I know that he doesn't want to put a lot of rules on our daughter now that I'm around. 

Also, she is used to going into his our room whenever he's not home to play games on the computer. It is challenging to not be able to go into your room for a moment of peace and privacy because your child is in there or having to convince them to leave the room so that you can change.

Just remember that is your room and how would your boyfriend's daughter feel if things were the other way around. (This might be hard to impress on a 4-year-old) but tell your boyfriend that you live there too and your rights and privacy should be respected