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Curious, what does "FAMILY" mean to you?

Lilywen's picture

This is more ranting about my a$$hole soon to be ex H.  Things have not changed since my last update, if anything they have gotten worse.


I am so sick of my "H" and his behavior, I have suffered enough and I want OUT.  Spoke to an attorney a few days ago and I am financially and emotionally ready to start my divorce.  It will never get better, no matter how hard I try to save this relationship, it is not a vacuum and my efforts alone will not fix this.  It is how he allowed his spawn to treat me.  It is what he required I do for his spawn and his ex wife in prison.  It is what he expects from me in relation to others.  It is how he treats me and that is WHO HE IS.  I am not his family - I am a labor force.  I am a paycheck.  I am a bedwarmer.  I am inferior to him (in his opinion).


Since my promotion at work, I have contributed 50%+ to our household expenses.  I contribute $500.00 weekly to our bills, pay 100% of the cell phones, the cable bill, our storage unit, buy fuel oil, groceries and supply our (me, him and our common children) health/dental/optical and life insurance on top of the $500.  H pays the mortgage, just over $2,000 per month.  He pays his car payment (in his name alone) and car insurance.  That is all.  My vehicle is through my company.  


Like the fool I am, knowing how cheap, underhanded, abusive and evil my H is - I gave him $500.00 per week in a check... gotta love proof.  So - what should have been a $4,000.00 contribution by each of us for the two months since my promotion ($8,000.00 total) you would think would cover a family of 4 for 2 months, right?  Wrong.  I have paid nearly $5,000.00 in two months.  If H was putting the agreed $500/week in our expenses we should have $9,000.00 for two months of bills.  Our mortgage is paid to date but imagine my surprise when I opened that "final notice" from the electric company and it was over $1,400.  Cable, water... all of our "joint" bills are like this.

Angry but calm, I told him that I would be bringing the utilities up to date and paying them on my own from now on.  I would no longer give him any money.  I would reconcile the difference between utilities and mortgage and split the difference, in a check with a clear memo line - what the payment was for.  I graciously (IMO) told him he did not have to pay me the difference should the utilities be above the mortgage (the utilities are ALWAYS more than the mortgage and while I did not say this to him - I do not mind because I earn more and think of us as a unit).  I graciously told him I would continue paying groceries and continue doing all the work around the house.  H is only respnsible for mowing the lawn and I hired a lawn service company to do that for him.  He does not cook, he does not clean (even after himself), do laundry, and barely plays with our two toddlers.  Much too busy playing on his cell phone.  All I asked was, when was the last bill paid so that I could prioritize what I need to pay off first.  Where did the $4,000.00 in checks I gave him go?  The mortgage is paid but that is only $2,000.00/month.

H immediately took to the defensive - apparently I 'have no idea how bills work" (I am the manager and financial director of a multi million dollar company) and he has "supported me for 11 years" while I "contributed nothing".  Interestingly, H and I began dating 11 years ago this January.  Apparently, one month before we met and while I was in a very lucrative profession - H began paying all of my bills.  LMFAO.    At my lowest point  during our relationship, and on unemployment, I still contributed 1/3 to all bills.  I think this was fair since it was only me and H had himself and FT spawn.  H conceeded that he supported me for "10.99" years after I pointed out that we have not been together for 11 years.  He also conceeded that I have made contributions but they have been "inconsistent".  OK- I may have shorted a payment here and there when I paid something else for "us" but I have also contributed above and beyond when I had the means.  Heck - last year I paid off over 50% of credit card debt (talking 5 figures here) he racked up on his own in one lump some to give him some traction in paying off all debt.

As I stood there crying, our two toddlers crying and trying to get him to stop yelling at me while he called me a "f-ing a$$hole", a "b!tch", "retard" and a "parasite", I realized... I have been free spawn care, cook, maid, slave, paycheck, facilitator of communications between him and Prison Biowhore, and the single point contact for all needs that keeps our children from bothering him so he can enjoy Facebook and games on his cell phone.  I have never been a partner.  I have never been family.  To him, I am the sum of what I give him (and not even that as he has delusions about all he has received from me).  He will bleed me dry and cry that I never gave enough.  I could fully support him so that he can play around on his cell phone allllllllllllll day and he would bitch that I should rpovide him with more.

Oh, and I do know where a lot of my money went.  H sent about $1,000 to his father (we make about $5,000 per year in "loans" to his father that are never paid back even though his father is in his early 60's and fully capable of working - non of which I am told about beforehand but H is totally allowed to make and I have no say in -according to H- because his daddydear is "family").  FIL didn't even call H for his birthday this year.  H's mother has moved into our house, because (in her early 60's) she refuses to work and support herself.  Spawn was gifted a rifle and over $1,000.00 because of his barely graduating HS, turning 18 and as a "atta boy" for joinging the Navy even though he only made it through 3 days of bootcamp.  Add to that all of the travel expenses H had to visit spawn for all of these (cough-cough) admirable accomplishments.

FIL, MIL, Spawn - they are H's family.  I was an easy paycheck and laborer.  I was less than a person to H, I was equipment.

Oh, and when I bought him a new phone and helped him transfer everything from his old phone, I found out the loser  was texting another woman about "running away together" and how he thought of her "hot a$$ in a bikini".  H denies anything physical happened and I am just falling all over him for his honesty and restraint.  It did not bother me one bit - totally numb.  I found her photo, she is built like a man and is apparently texting my H behind her H's back.  Classy broad, and boy is she broad built like a cinderblock wall.  Mmmmm, sexy.  I just had myself tested for STDs and suggested he do the same.


Grounds for divorce:

HOLY F-CK!  How did I end up with such a loser?


Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Please get yourself a good attorney and divorce this horrible man asap! OMG, I am shocked at what you wrote and so sorry you have had to endure any of this!

If you were in the UK I would recommend my divorce lawyer. She was very nice and extremely pleasant - until exH and his solicitor mentioned stupid things - then she resorted to ripping off balls. We were in consultation and exH said he wanted spousal support. She laughed so hard I didn't have to say anything. 

Get rid of this user/loser and good luck to you in a life without him. Good bloody riddance!

Siemprematahari's picture

You are not a loser so please don't do this to yourself. You need to find yourself a lawyer and consider what are your best options so you can get the H@LL out of that dysfunctional toxic marriage. You have done too much for way too long. Have been taken advantage of that you are just numb. I'm glad you have finally came to the realization that you need to go and I hope you do ASAP.

I wish you a speedy and smooth divorce. You and your kids deserve so much better. Take care of you Lilywen. You got this and are stronger than you know.

SteppedOut's picture

Bleh. I totally get what you mean about being "equipment" instead of being a partner. It sucks when it all becomes so clear. ((Hugs))

Also, congratulations for being ready to divorce the prick.

advice.only2's picture

Wow just wow! You are a strong amazing and competent woman!!! Get yourself a good lawyer and start protecting your assets ASAP.

Aniki's picture

Lilywen, I am so sorry to read about the utter hell you've been living. Others have already said what I'm thinking. Get a killer attorney, go for the jugular, and that jerkwad's balls off through his throat.


SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

My jaw about hit the floor at what a sack of stinking shit your STBX is. I’m appalled. Truly. What a disgrace he is! 

He is a little bit like my ex husband; couldn’t really care less about me and my mental health. Would drag his heels about paying his obligations, let alone actually working. 

Your STBX is a pig and a loser. Real men don’t treat their wives like an ATM. It’s unnatural!

Nail his ass to the curb with a shark of a divorce attorney. 

Ladystark's picture

he wont ever appreciate what you want him to appreciate,  sometime i guess we need the bad to bring in a great guy? i dont know but i left mine and its been pretty sweet- and STRESS free!!  lol Im starting over from scratch and living at my friends house, but i have less stress than living with my ex and his kid!!!