DH turned a major money issue into a SS+me issue
I'm going to try to keep this as "to the point" as possible, so if something doesn't make sense please ask. I warn you this is a little long, because a LOT of things have snowballed into the end result.
DH and I purchased a house in July. We found a home we could afford and with current utilities (not sure how winter will go) it is only costing us $70 more/month to live in a house vs our two bedroom apartment.
I have been having financial problems with DH since day one.
DH loved to add his input to everything regarding the house, but when push came to shove he wouldn't follow through. Ex: I was the one to call around and find homeowners insurance, I set up all of our utilities under both of our names, I paid the earnest and appraisal money needed to go forward with the sale, I also paid for and took the "first time homebuyers course" to qualify us for down payment assistance. The only thing DH helped with was finding and paying for the inspection and that was less then what I paid for the appraisal. (None of this other than the class was optional btw they are required in our state to purchase a home).
Our first mortgage payment was to be due in September, September was also the last month on our apartment lease. It wasn't the most ideal situation but DH said if I paid the rent he would pay the mortgage. We sign the papers mid July and start gradually moving our things over. The end of July rolls around and on the last day DH comes up to me and informs me that he does NOT have his share of the rent. The brakes went out on his vehicle and he needed to get them fixed. So all the extra hours and days I worked in July to cover Septembers rent went to cover Augusts rent.
September comes along, DH pays the mortgage and I pay the rent again from my savings account this time because the money I planned on using was gone. I've also now been paying all the utilities on the house and on the apartment since July. I write everything down, DH said from day one that everything was to be split 50/50 so that's how I started documenting everything. I didn't want to be a nag, I tried to make things as easy as possible. I had the bills and amounts written on our "visitation day" calendar by date due. I also had a standing file that DH gave me for this purpose and would organize the bills, putting the paid bills in the back and unpaid in the front. This was also left out in plain sight (and I do mean PLAIN SIGHT it was smack in the middle of the empty dining room table). I would also say something the day before the bill was due. DH hasn't offered or paid a single bill. End of September I brought up the rent that DH owed me from July because my car needed some repairs. Long story short this turned into him screaming at me and claiming he already paid me back in cash. I asked him to look at his checking account; he forgot his password and got locked out online. He said he would look into it.
When mid October hit I had received a phone call from our insurance company. When I signed us up for homeowners insurance, they forgot to update the billing address for my vehicle. They were calling to inform me that my new car insurance rate on my 10y/o car w/no incidents was going to increase to over $350/month and there was nothing that could be done about it, it was due to the area we moved to. As a result with everything being bundled I had to call around and switch our home insurance as well when I switched my car. DH wanted to be involved in the switch but after waiting on him to call for quotes and him not doing it, I ended up having to find the company myself as we had one week left to make the switch.
I got everything switched over. Our old insurance company mailed us a check for our current homeowner insurance that we paid so far. It was to be deposited into our checking account and we would write a personal check to our new company to roll the funds over. The check came written in both our names right around SS birthday and had to be deposited in DH account. We do not have a joint checking and my bank refuses to deposit a two-party check if both parties aren't from my bank.(I hate my bank)
I gave DH the number to call our agent to pay our home insurance and get it back on track. Agent warned me he would need this money by the end of October to be current on our policy. Meanwhile the same weekend we deposit the check(mid month) DH drops over $250 on ss birthday party. Now I'm "seeing red" as I still haven't seen a dime since July from DH for anything.
It is now October 30th. My agent has informed me he still hasn't received the payment. I call DH and tell him he has to call and make the payment or we are going to be in trouble. He says 'Ok' and I hear nothing the rest of the afternoon. I get home and DH is on the phone with the bank screaming at them.
When he gets off the phone he informs me that the money is GONE.
The check we deposited into his account for our insurance, the check my agent is waiting on in the amount of $1005 is G O N E.
His bank said they were going to have someone call him the following morning to assist in gaining online access since it was after business hours. Until then there was nothing they could do. Conveniently it was a visitation day, so while I proceeded to have a panic attack DH decides to spend time with ss and pretend that everything is fine.
October 31st I end up having to pay our homeowners insurance with the last of my savings. My credit card limit wasn't high enough to cover it, and with our mortgage payment due November 2nd I couldn't cover it with my regular funds. I am in tears when I get home from work. DH is on his computer and on the phone, he now has online access to his checking account. The first thing he does is go back to his July statements so he can "prove" he paid me back for the rent. After 45 minutes of searching over and over again...he realizes he didn't. He finally asks to see the list I have been keeping and the calendar for the bills. Everything added up together that he hasn't helped me pay since July equals about $1100. Now he is in a fit of rage because he doesn't understand what he's been spending his money on since he hasn't been paying for anything other then his 1/2 of the mortgage. He goes back into his checking account and discovers he somehow withdrew $4000 from his savings since July and has spent it on random crap. Add that to the fact that he somehow spent our insurance check as well, and he finally understood why I refused to have a joint checking account. He is livid about it, but he understands. I feel as if a 10k boulder has been lifted from my shoulders because he can finally see what I have been dealing with. I tell him we need to work something out regarding his repayment. He says "Be prepared not to see me anymore because I can't work overtime on my son's visitation days so if you expect your money back it's going to be on our time". While I am not thrilled by this revelation (we have been having a LOT of relationship issues these last few months as stated in prior blogs) I understand.
Then everything exploded.
I made the mistake in saying I would need the insurance check paid back first since I had to deplete my savings to pay it. All hell broke loose. He started yelling about how "at least you HAVE savings" and started complaining about how he has a car payment and child support and student loans and yelling about how he has to work over 40 hours a week just to pay me back and be able to still live.
I said "well you just looked at your accounts, you HAD savings too but you spent it". This led to him doing a complete 180 and yelling at me about what a crappy stepmom I am and I will never be allowed to have a say in disciplining his son because I'm not doing enough to have a relationship with him and it's my fault. Oh and if ss talks back to me or gives me attitude (hasn't happened yet) that is MY problem and he won't discipline him for it because it's MY fault we don't have a relationship. And apparently when I was on the phone this past visitation weekend with family members and not helping DH with putting plastic on the windows this makes me spawn of satan. He will never let me live it down because DH spent so much time on it that it took away from ss visitation time. I guess it doesn't matter that the calls were regarding family and my DM current mental state requiring my immediate attention because I "should have been helping with the windows".
Oh and did I mention he wants a divorce if I can't fix this "issue" with ss?
It amazes me that we finally have a breakthrough regarding our finances and suddenly it's all about ss. This can't be normal, right?? If you have read the whole thing, thank you. I guess this is almost more of a "vent" post because I am just at a loss for words. How can somebody be this terrible at money management? And why was me getting yelled at about ss the result??