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DH turned a major money issue into a SS+me issue

iamlosingit's picture

I'm going to try to keep this as "to the point" as possible, so if something doesn't make sense please ask. I warn you this is a little long, because a LOT of things have snowballed into the end result.

DH and I purchased a house in July. We found a home we could afford and with current utilities (not sure how winter will go) it is only costing us $70 more/month to live in a house vs our two bedroom apartment.

I have been having financial problems with DH since day one.

DH loved to add his input to everything regarding the house, but when push came to shove he wouldn't follow through. Ex: I was the one to call around and find homeowners insurance, I set up all of our utilities under both of our names, I paid the earnest and appraisal money needed to go forward with the sale, I also paid for and took the "first time homebuyers course" to qualify us for down payment assistance. The only thing DH helped with was finding and paying for the inspection and that was less then what I paid for the appraisal. (None of this other than the class was optional btw they are required in our state to purchase a home).
Our first mortgage payment was to be due in September, September was also the last month on our apartment lease. It wasn't the most ideal situation but DH said if I paid the rent he would pay the mortgage. We sign the papers mid July and start gradually moving our things over. The end of July rolls around and on the last day DH comes up to me and informs me that he does NOT have his share of the rent. The brakes went out on his vehicle and he needed to get them fixed. So all the extra hours and days I worked in July to cover Septembers rent went to cover Augusts rent.
September comes along, DH pays the mortgage and I pay the rent again from my savings account this time because the money I planned on using was gone. I've also now been paying all the utilities on the house and on the apartment since July. I write everything down, DH said from day one that everything was to be split 50/50 so that's how I started documenting everything. I didn't want to be a nag, I tried to make things as easy as possible. I had the bills and amounts written on our "visitation day" calendar by date due. I also had a standing file that DH gave me for this purpose and would organize the bills, putting the paid bills in the back and unpaid in the front. This was also left out in plain sight (and I do mean PLAIN SIGHT it was smack in the middle of the empty dining room table). I would also say something the day before the bill was due. DH hasn't offered or paid a single bill. End of September I brought up the rent that DH owed me from July because my car needed some repairs. Long story short this turned into him screaming at me and claiming he already paid me back in cash. I asked him to look at his checking account; he forgot his password and got locked out online. He said he would look into it.
When mid October hit I had received a phone call from our insurance company. When I signed us up for homeowners insurance, they forgot to update the billing address for my vehicle. They were calling to inform me that my new car insurance rate on my 10y/o car w/no incidents was going to increase to over $350/month and there was nothing that could be done about it, it was due to the area we moved to. As a result with everything being bundled I had to call around and switch our home insurance as well when I switched my car. DH wanted to be involved in the switch but after waiting on him to call for quotes and him not doing it, I ended up having to find the company myself as we had one week left to make the switch.
I got everything switched over. Our old insurance company mailed us a check for our current homeowner insurance that we paid so far. It was to be deposited into our checking account and we would write a personal check to our new company to roll the funds over. The check came written in both our names right around SS birthday and had to be deposited in DH account. We do not have a joint checking and my bank refuses to deposit a two-party check if both parties aren't from my bank.(I hate my bank)
I gave DH the number to call our agent to pay our home insurance and get it back on track. Agent warned me he would need this money by the end of October to be current on our policy. Meanwhile the same weekend we deposit the check(mid month) DH drops over $250 on ss birthday party. Now I'm "seeing red" as I still haven't seen a dime since July from DH for anything.
It is now October 30th. My agent has informed me he still hasn't received the payment. I call DH and tell him he has to call and make the payment or we are going to be in trouble. He says 'Ok' and I hear nothing the rest of the afternoon. I get home and DH is on the phone with the bank screaming at them.
When he gets off the phone he informs me that the money is GONE.
The check we deposited into his account for our insurance, the check my agent is waiting on in the amount of $1005 is G O N E.
His bank said they were going to have someone call him the following morning to assist in gaining online access since it was after business hours. Until then there was nothing they could do. Conveniently it was a visitation day, so while I proceeded to have a panic attack DH decides to spend time with ss and pretend that everything is fine.
October 31st I end up having to pay our homeowners insurance with the last of my savings. My credit card limit wasn't high enough to cover it, and with our mortgage payment due November 2nd I couldn't cover it with my regular funds. I am in tears when I get home from work. DH is on his computer and on the phone, he now has online access to his checking account. The first thing he does is go back to his July statements so he can "prove" he paid me back for the rent. After 45 minutes of searching over and over again...he realizes he didn't. He finally asks to see the list I have been keeping and the calendar for the bills. Everything added up together that he hasn't helped me pay since July equals about $1100. Now he is in a fit of rage because he doesn't understand what he's been spending his money on since he hasn't been paying for anything other then his 1/2 of the mortgage. He goes back into his checking account and discovers he somehow withdrew $4000 from his savings since July and has spent it on random crap. Add that to the fact that he somehow spent our insurance check as well, and he finally understood why I refused to have a joint checking account. He is livid about it, but he understands. I feel as if a 10k boulder has been lifted from my shoulders because he can finally see what I have been dealing with. I tell him we need to work something out regarding his repayment. He says "Be prepared not to see me anymore because I can't work overtime on my son's visitation days so if you expect your money back it's going to be on our time". While I am not thrilled by this revelation (we have been having a LOT of relationship issues these last few months as stated in prior blogs) I understand.
Then everything exploded.
I made the mistake in saying I would need the insurance check paid back first since I had to deplete my savings to pay it. All hell broke loose. He started yelling about how "at least you HAVE savings" and started complaining about how he has a car payment and child support and student loans and yelling about how he has to work over 40 hours a week just to pay me back and be able to still live.
I said "well you just looked at your accounts, you HAD savings too but you spent it". This led to him doing a complete 180 and yelling at me about what a crappy stepmom I am and I will never be allowed to have a say in disciplining his son because I'm not doing enough to have a relationship with him and it's my fault. Oh and if ss talks back to me or gives me attitude (hasn't happened yet) that is MY problem and he won't discipline him for it because it's MY fault we don't have a relationship. And apparently when I was on the phone this past visitation weekend with family members and not helping DH with putting plastic on the windows this makes me spawn of satan. He will never let me live it down because DH spent so much time on it that it took away from ss visitation time. I guess it doesn't matter that the calls were regarding family and my DM current mental state requiring my immediate attention because I "should have been helping with the windows".
Oh and did I mention he wants a divorce if I can't fix this "issue" with ss?
It amazes me that we finally have a breakthrough regarding our finances and suddenly it's all about ss. This can't be normal, right?? If you have read the whole thing, thank you. I guess this is almost more of a "vent" post because I am just at a loss for words. How can somebody be this terrible at money management? And why was me getting yelled at about ss the result??


Acratopotes's picture

What a cluster eff...

GEt DH to sign a contract to you that he will pay you back and separate finances immediately again, each adult deposits X amount into a joint savings account, at least enough to cover some expenses in advance, DH will pay you the 1100 back, how is not your problem, he can work 60 hours a day for all you care but he needs to keep his word...

Him trying to shift blame to you for not seeing his son, laugh and say, no you idiot if you did not spend your savings on your son, you would've been able to see him more, this has nothing to do with me, you did not spend your savings on me and come to think of it, you even used my money to spend on your son... now shut up and go to work...

iamlosingit's picture

The $1100 was just his 1/2 of bills from July-October, that's not even including the $1005 check he spent in 16 days. So the total amount he owes me is $2105, I don't even see how he is going to be able to pay that back.

Acratopotes's picture

and do you care ... no... he can pay it back over 6 months, that's very generous....

or you stop paying bills till it's even...

he can choose

Veritas's picture

Mr. DH's anger may be coming from his embarrassment and "excusage". Seems he is deflecting and you are the target. Please know that you are not crazy...I didn't see any crazy in your post except for your DH's actions.

Don't over think this, either. That is where a lot of us get into problems, when we start doubting what we do and think because what your DH is doing is a bit like gas lighting. Remain strong in what you know is true and what he should be doing. Keep coming back and reading your post if you need a check in to what is real. Let him keep getting all balled up in his emotions and don't show yours. He is having personality issues that HE has to deal with and yes, he sees the problems, that is what I suspect is the source of his anger. I might go so far to say that he WANTS to see a reaction from you. I would not give it, personally.

ETA: we don't always know why a person acts the way they do....really, you can break your brain trying to get all that info. Instead, a more sane action is to set your boundary and be sure of yourself, your needs, your beliefs.

bearcub25's picture

Sounds like he needs to sell some of the stuff he bought with 5000 and pay you back. IDK how anyone can spend that much in that short of time and not know what they bought. I'd bet my paycheck that he bought something big for SS or gave money to BM for SS.

iamlosingit's picture

That's what neither one of us understands. He actually DIDN'T buy ss any gifts this bday because ss said he wanted a party with friends. DH said if he did the party he couldn't get ss a gift and ss was fine with that. They had it at a indoor trampoline park and it was over $250(I never saw the final bill) plus $30 for the pizzas and pop for 8 kids.

Disneyfan's picture

"That's what neither one of us understands."

Stop falling for this.

He knows damn well what he blew that money on. He's playing stupid because he's trying to make you think he has suddenly seen the light. He is simply saying whatever he thinks you want to hear right now. He thinks that will get you to forgive and forget.

That crap about his son came out because he felt cornered. He realized that while you were falling for the bullshit he was dishing out, you still wanted him to pay back the money he owes you.

Your husband is a user.

robin333's picture

Deflection. That’s why he went on a temper tantrum about SS.

Be smart. Hold him accountable. Get a joint account and have whatever percentage from his paycheck deposited into that account that is exclusively for household expenses.

iamlosingit's picture

I'm scared to have a joint account with him because he will overdraft it and then I am accountable as well for his mistakes. It won't matter if he is the only one putting money in it, if he bounces I will be responsible too.

Acratopotes's picture

joint account means.... money for house hold expenses...

he should not have any signing powers or a card to withdraw from there..and he can only pay cash into it Wink

iamlosingit's picture

Problem is even if I don't give him a card he can still go to the bank behind my back and get one. Likewise if he riggs his checking account to be able to make transfers TO the account for the bills, I imagine he could also reverse this and take my money out if I put any into it to pay. Then there's also the "cash advance" thing, I've never used it but I watched my ex pull $500 out of an atm that he didn't have when we were in Vegas. It's just too risky.

Acratopotes's picture

dang, glad not in your shoes....

well he just will have to hand you his portion in cash monthly then...

secret's picture

Yes, this.

my DH gives me cash, every week. I handle all the bills. He doesn't have access to my bank accounts, and never asks what I spend on. His cash payments are about 1/3 of my total expenses... so I generally just end up socking it away in TFSA/RRSP and regular savings accounts... he doesn't really make enough to have much savings - he has a little, now... but I don't ask what he does with his money, he doesn't ask what I do with mine.

If I was ever going down the road that I felt we were on the verge of divorce, I would definitely be hiding my assets - the kids would all have padded bank accounts, and I'd have stacks of bills in a safety deposit box in my mother's name. Perhaps wrong, but I don't feel anyone should benefit from someone else's hard work.

Veritas's picture

Yes! This is how DH and I handle it as well....he gets one pay check per month to deposit for his needs...the rest all go into the Household account. Being older and OH SO MUCH wiser, I agree that protection of funds is critical....I get the pay, I get the say Smile

secret's picture


Once we're older and it's just us... we can discuss a joint account...

but if we do....the only discussions I will humor will be about a joint household account in which we both deposit the same amount, and from which only bills come out of.

He will only have social security, while I will have that as well as my work pension and RRSPs. While I might bring in double what he does, I sure as sh!t won't be paying double the amount of bills at that time.

hereiam's picture

I would love to know what your husband has spent $5000 on, instead of paying his share of the bills.

He obviously is having some underlying issues with something or someone and is taking it out on you. Not acceptable.

Acratopotes's picture

let's see...

250.00 for bday party for SS.... that he can remember, this is excluding the gift, probably expensive thing like a new Xbox,
then some snacks and cool drinks from the office canteen for DH,
oh SS asked the other week-end DAd I want to go out please give me 50 - he got 500 instead...

you know how it goes lol...

Icansorelate's picture

He needs a budget like yesterday and some education on personal finance. He also needs to give you his paycheck to deposit and pay bills, then you can give him back an "allowance". He also needs to make more money.

Short of all this, you are going to have a recurring problem every month. I have no doubt he knows exactly where 5,000 went (likely to ss and maybe BM), unless he is also known to head to bars?

I think the challenge for you will be getting him to agree.

iamlosingit's picture

The other challenge is I can't just stop paying our house utilities because they are in both of our names. Anything that doesn't get paid in both names comes back at me. I have worked very hard to rebuild my credit and I know my 10 y/o car will not last forever.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I say give DH what he wants: a divorce.

He doesn't help with bills. He sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. He is bordering on financially abusive by gas lighting you about what has/hasn't been paid. And, the most minor of all, he is throwing a temper tantrum like a child because he ate all his candy at once and didn't pace himself like the other kids (i.e. he spent all his money on crap and now can't cover the basics).

I was married to that. Keyword is WAS. I had panic attacks in the middle of the night because of our credit card debt and the lack of hours XH was working because he hated his job. He wasn't happy unless he bought SOMETHING and had the best of everything ALL THE TIME. When the weekends rolled around, he would cut into our time together to do things that needed done because god forbid he give up time with his friends, either in real life or online.

Talk to an attorney. Keep receipts. Find out how much divorce would cost. If DH ever tells me he is going to divorce me for a BS reason, I'll make it easy on him and march my happy butt to the attorney myself. I should have done that with XH way sooner than I did. So, give him what he wants. From someone who has been there, it isn't worth it.

Sweet T's picture

did he with draw that money in cash? otherwise if he used checks and cards the bank statement will tell you where he spent it.

iamlosingit's picture

It was all card purchases. I don't have access to his account so I have no clue where the money went. I shouldn't have let him deposit our insurance money but I didn't know he was having these financial issues as he doesn't share his income with me. Also as stated in the blog my bank refused to let me deposit the check unless DH opened an account there. As far as bills go, I tell him what his portion is, he pays it. Now that the utilities don't get added onto our mortgage like it does when you pay rent at an apartment, he hasn't been paying his share. Just his 1/2 the mortgage.

godess-clueless's picture

Seems your Dh has the income to cover his share of expenses. He chooses to spend on his wants. He is a person who makes agreements, reaps the benefits, and then refuses to follow thru on his end of the agreement.

The agreements are a contract with you that he chooses to default on. The temper tantrum and financial disaster he leaves you facing is his threat to you as to just how destructive he intends to be to you if you do not willingly accept his terms of non compliance to a contract he made with you.

"I didn't realize, I don't know how I spent that much money" excuses that he makes wouldn't matter in any contract with any creditor. Any other creditor would be taking action. Time for you to take action.

You demand that he will be handing over all his paycheck to an account you will be using to pay the bills from. As you have learned a joint account gives him the opportunity to wipe out both yours and his funds. If he refuses and continues to throw out his ultimatums of divorce, then dump the user and dump him fast!

ESMOD's picture

Your post gave me a panic attack! I am gonna lay it out for your.

Cut your losses. This guy is playing you. How would I know? Experience.. hard times.

Cut your losses at 2K. There is no reason why he should have been able to blow that amount of money in the time you described unless he is on DRUGS or has a MISTRESS. Neither are acceptable.

It's convenient how he has an excuse or a deflection for everything right? He is just counting on little old reliable "dumb" you to pay the bills. You be the responsible one and he gets to go off and play Mr. Big bucks with his girlfriend or he is gambling or doing drugs.

His anger isn't at himself. It's that he got caught.

Unfortunately, you got yourself into a bind by buying a house together. It does kind of amaze me that we do things like this to ourselves. You KNEW he wasn't a good financial risk (wont have a joint account right) but you decided getting financially joined in a huge financial obligation was somehow a good idea....

My advice?

Kick him to the curb. If he pays money back fine, but if not, consider it an expensive lesson well learned. Don't compound things and let him get deeper in your pocket (believe me...wish I had cut my losses at 2k with the guy I dated).

If you can't afford the house on your own, sell it or get a room mate.

This guy isn't worth it... that is clear from everything you wrote.

he will divorce you if you don't cowtow to his son? That's rich.

Acratopotes's picture

ladies, ladies.......

SO watches porn for free..... he does not gamble, he does not use drugs, dang we do not have those luxuries on Mars... but he can loose 5000 in a wink of an eye, and have no clue what he did with the money...

then I will start investigate....

yes you thought you gave Aergia 300 for the week-end but that was Thursday, Friday she asked for money again, Saturday again... you had to recharge her phone 4 times.... oh then you had to get her car filled....
while you where at it you decided to buy one or other freaking bogus book online for her, why?? she does not have an E-reader duh...and while you where busy on line you decided to get yourself some silly freaking game....

and a week-end later you sit and cry cause there's no money for food....

some people are like that, money burns a hole in their pockets and they can't show a bloody thing for it, SO joked and said his salary is like a period, once a month and lasts for 3 days... way before the debit orders are subtracted...

BethAnne's picture

I agree. My husband and I recently just blew $2k without really realizing where it went. But we could afford it and that is not our usual spending habits.

What confuses me though is if op’s husband spent money like your SO then he would probably be unlikely to have thousands in his savings. So unless it was a recent windfall, something has changed that led to him withdrawing it and spending it. Plus his anger outbursts and deflecting the topic of conversation onto op and laying conditions on their relationship strikes me as someone who is angry at himself, trying to cover something up and feeling insecure so he needs to be able to blame op for the problems in the relationship. If these are new behaviors then it again is suspicious.

All of these factors point to something more than just being bad with money in my mind.

iamlosingit's picture

I didn't think of that. Omg. :sick:
I knew DH had a savings account but I use the word "savings" loosely. I didn't know he even had 4k until he was yelling at the computer about all of the transfers he had made to himself. DH knows I have a savings account but has no idea what the amount is. Well I guess he knows now since he knows it's gone due to his spending the insurance check....

Merry's picture

Yep. Sounds to me like his anger comes from a place of shame. Once he figured out that HE blew the money (which he probably knew all along but played head games to deny), he got mad and the only person he could get mad at was YOU.

The man has issues.

And this could have been my DH ten years ago. He was (and is) terrible with money, but he has actually gotten help for his issues and has learned coping skills that don't involve behaviors that will get him thrown out of my house and my life. Facing his demons was the biggest act of love that I have ever experienced.

BethAnne's picture

This is not anywhere near normal in my relationship.

Your husband’s behavior is not normal on many levels.

What strikes me is how did he have $5000 in savings if he is this bad with money? Was it a windfall? Or do you think it could be that something has changed over the last few months for him to be spending that much over his regular salary? Others have already mentioned gambling, drugs, drinking, an afair, paying BM for stuff....?

Have there been personality changes recently too?

Are his outbursts a recent occurrence or has he always had a bad temper and tried to ‘win’ arguments by turning things onto you.

iamlosingit's picture

he claims he transferred $4000 from savings into his account the month of July, not all at once but throughout the month. I didn't know he even had 4k or that he was doing transfers since I was the one paying for all of the things to get us the house. I assumed he had no money due to all of his prior bills before me: cs, credit card, 2 student loans, vehicle payment. The other 1005 was a check from our insurance company that was supposed to roll over into our new company to cover our house. He managed to spend that in 15 days, when I called him on the 30th to remind him to call our agent to pay (had been reminding him once a week since cashed and was now panicking because they wanted it NOW) that's when he found out he spent it already. He called his bank to get his available balance and had a panic attack because they told him he only had $200. When he was able to get online access finally that's when he realized the money was gone. This led to him going back to prior statements and he realized he transferred $4k into his checking over the month of july and there was no particular "lump sum" to justify it gone, he just spent it on random crap.

He's always had a deflective temper, (is that a word?) if I try to bring something up that he doesn't agree with, it doesn't matter how calm I am it turns into a yelling match and him getting mad about something else.
Yes HUGE personality changes. He hasn't been sleeping, it's like pulling teeth to get him to go to bed when I do since he starts work 2 hours later then me. Sometimes I'll go to bed with him, then something will wake me up, he's gone, and I'll walk downstairs to use the restroom and he's awake on the couch playing this tablet game of his. Sometimes I'll get up for work super early a.m. and he's not in bed when I wake up, I go downstairs and he's passed out on the couch with his tablet on "autoplay" (same game). He claims I snore so he goes downstairs.

ESMOD's picture

Last guy I dated that claimed he "couldn't sleep in the bed" turned out to be cheating on me... stealing from me and also had a drug problem.

Your guy sounds like the same. Did he let you go over the bank records so you could see where the actual cash was spent?

mommadukes2015's picture

These are two separate topics and DH is lashing out at you to deflect his anger off of himself. He's literally Disney Dading himself.

SO has VERY similar spending issues to your DH. As long as the card allows him to buy shit he buys shit.

The only solution I have found to work in the situation is the following (and at first I harbored a LOT of resentment for this):

I have a bank account that is mine ONLY. I have a savings account that is mine ONLY. SO and I have a joint account. When SO gets paid I leave him $100 for the week. Whatever he needs he has $100 to budget and that's it. Anything beyond that he needs to let me know he needs more $ and what its for (ex this week he needs a new tire). The rest of the money gets transferred into MY account which I pay the bills out of. I let him know if its a "tight belt" week as soon as I know. I also take care of SD's CS payment and his car insurance payment out of those monies.

We now fight over finances 0.001% of the time. Now over the course of 4 years we are finally getimg to a place where we can pay most of pur bills in the same month (minus my enormous student loan which falls on the 28th of the month which inlay the 1st of the following month). SO did on tnlike it at first but this works.

Birthdays and gift giving holidays are budgeted for and capped. Birthdays are $150 or less and Christmas for 3 kids is called at $550 and we do just peachy.

I also set our joint account to decline if there is insufficient funds. I swear if you cannot both handle finances this way is seriously so ready. Now the hard part is laying it out for him. I eventually got sick of it and told SO how its gonna be. Then I did it. He wasn't pleased at first but they come around.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

I would
Divorce him too. He is not a good partner . Get it out now . Put the house up for sale

notsobad's picture

There are so many red flags here, I don't even know where to begin!

My guess is that you know everything that's wrong in your relationship but you don't want to end the relationship.
You want him to change, or do better, or do what you tell him to do, you want him to fix it.

The truth is he can't and he won't.

This is your life. You have to decide if you can live like this or not.
Do you want to cover all the bills? Do you want to fight with him every single time a bill is due? He's hoping that you don't and that you'll just shut up, and pay the bills.

On another note, it's crazy that your bank won't cash a cheque unless the person has an account there.
Every bank in Canada will cash anyones cheque as long as they have signed the back. I regularly cash cheques made out to DH in my account. He just signs the back.

iamlosingit's picture

My bank will not and I have no clue why. The only way they will accept him just signing and me depositing it is if the check in question is being issued from my bank as well. Honestly I am looking into switching to dh bank, the only reason I kept my bank as long as I did was because there was a branch within walking distance from our last residence, so when I would need to get DH CASH instead of a check for my portion of our rent payment (ex: if my payday fell on the day rent was due dh would need cash because a check wouldn't clear in time) I could just walk across the street and get it. That is not the case now so I think I will look into switching. It is a credit union and I have heard those are better anyway.
This money issue just came about when we bought the house. It was easier when we had the apartment because our bills were added onto our rent due so we would get one statement from our landlord, divide the amount in 1/2, and each of us would pay it. Now that the bills are not due the same day as our mortgage I am seeing how bad my dh is with his money. He is easily overwhelmed. I am really curious to find out how he managed having a house with his ex, she made less money and the house was much bigger, how on earth did they pay the bills and have a child? :?

secret's picture

pfft... my bank even accepts photo deposits... I had a couple cheques written out in dh's name... snapped a picture with my banking app and deposited in my account, no signature.