Money Arguments & how to come out the other side
OH really wound me up at the weekend & it all came pouring out of me, and now things are strained between the two of us and I don't know what can make it better.
It all kicked off because I'd bought us tickets for a festival next summer in December on my credit card. The bill came in this month & I paid it off, and OH was meant to give me his share. In the meantime I bought tickets for a couple of other things - a comedy night, band gig & beer festival. Anyway, he'd run out of money a week before payday, hadn't even mentioned anything about paying me back for tickets, then on Sunday he managed to sell an old piece of furniture & came in and gave me £20 saying "that's for the beer festival ticket, and you can keep the rest" (£8 ticket). I just felt so insulted that I spewed forth on all the money niggles and issues that have got to me.
In a nutshell - I pretty much pay for our life together - all the rent, utilities, phone, cable etc are paid for by me - half my wages each month go to making sure the two of us have a place to live. We've been living together for a year and he spends about £100 a month on groceries and pays for the internet connection - wow! Despite me asking him before to get his finances in order, suggesting we pool some money each month for household stuff etc, he's still not done anything - he still is responsible for the mortgage on the marital home where BM is currently living with SS (which incidentally is less than the rent on our flat as it's a small mortgage) and he also dropped in that he's still paying the utilities there - even though he told me months ago he was stopping doing that.
What really got me though was that I need to get a new car (not brand new, just new to me) as mine is rusting virtually in front of my eyes! I saw one I liked, and could afford to buy outright, but I'm just a couple of hundred pounds short - if only he had paid me back when he was supposed to, or even contributed a bit more to the household.
I told him that I was feeling used by him - and by offering me a small handout I was insulted because it came across as him being the generous benefactor when in fact I was the one who paid out more for our life together. He'd never even offered to pay for the band or comedy tickets - just took it that I was paying for those for us (note: we do normally go 50:50 on these things, it's not that he's bought loads of them beforehand). I also said that I hated that consideration for our lives together always comes after BM, because SS lives with her. I understand that he has a son, but it doesn't mean I like that the first calculation each month is how much he's giving to BM, that we are tied to this area because of SS, that we 'have' to take SS on holiday otherwise he won't get one etc.
So, the £20 note is still sitting in the living room because I don't want to take it, he did quick sums on Sunday night & said he could pay half the rent each month, plus he'll pay for the festival ticket on payday. The thing is, I'm getting annoyed that if he could afford half the rent then why hasn't he contributed more previously - it's not that I was after him paying 50% of our living costs as I appreciate he has other commitments, I just wanted something, some acknowledgement that I was giving so much more.
My problem now is that I'll only know if the discussion will have made a difference in a couple of months time - whether he is contributing more, or at least acknowledging my contribution - so how do we get out of this fug of awkwardness? Should I take the £20 he offered? Should I just pretend that nothing is happening? His reaction seems to be to chuck money at the problem (probably to be expected), he's now talking about expensive Valentine's dinners out etc - but for me it's not the point.
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Comments
It's accounting time. First
It's accounting time. First off, take the money. Then sit down and do up an income and expenses report that shows exactly how much income is coming into the household and how much is going out in expenses every month. Write down the numbers so that he can actually SEE how little he is contributing. Sometimes just telling someone about money doesn't have it sink in. You may have to actually SHOW him, based on real figures, exactly what's going on with your combined finances.
I'm a firm believer in equal financial partnerships. This was an issue I had a hard time wrapping my head around earlier on in my relationship with FH. He has three teenagers he's paying through the teeth for. And there was no way I was going to have my own money go to another woman's household. Once I drew up the numbers in a spreadsheet, he was able to see just how unequal our finances were, and he took a weekend job to pay for his share.
There's no reason why he should be paying the mortgage and utilities on someone else's home. Show him the numbers so he can see just how he is using you and your income to support him while he supports his ex. I wouldn't stand for it.
Thanks Selkie, I've been
Thanks Selkie, I've been close to tears for 3 days now & was willing someone to reply!
I accept that for now he's got to pay the mortgage for the marital home - BM couldn't afford it & the plan is that we can take his share of the equity to use as a deposit when we buy our own home together. Therefore, I'm happy to take that into account when we look at finances, and part of me feels bad for kicking up a fuss now as we will be using his equity for a deposit & I can't contribute anywhere near that amount - however, that was an inheritance from his grandparents, so in terms of inheritance (to think of things I don't really want to) at some point in the future I will be having something from my parents, and he'll be having something from his. I'm talking myself round here - I shouldn't feel that I should pay more on a daily basis because his family inheritances are likely to be bigger than mine should I?
Does this mean that he'll
Does this mean that he'll expect BM and the skid to sell the house and move when you and he buy a house together? Or will BM have enough money to buy out his equity? Or are you talking about taking out a loan against the equity in BM's house?
You're mixing up capital with income and expenses. If I were in your position, I would remove the idea of the down payment and future inheritances and just look at current income and expenses. What's fair is fair.
Are you comfortable supporting him for some future gain? If that's the case, you could take into account the amount of equity he's expecting and amortize it over your lifetime together; split it up into equal monthly amounts and deduct that amount from his current share of expenses. I think you'll find it doesn't work out to all that much.
The house is still in both
The house is still in both their names, and for the first year or so after they split they were both still living there. He's always paid the whole mortgage as she's been a SAHM (and now student) and the plan is that the house will be sold this year & the equity divided, then we'll use his share for a deposit and she can do whatever she wants with hers.
I like the idea of figuring out the expected equity & what that really means over a lifetime together - rough figures say £125 a month over 50 years. So, just in terms of somewhere to live (without bills) I'm currently paying £525 a month in rent & he's paying £400 a month in mortgage, which actually means that I'm 'paying in' to the equity completely as it stands. That just leaves the issue of utilities, the wonderful council tax we have over here etc.
Ok Storm. So if I were you,
Ok Storm. So if I were you, I would draw up the income and expenses sheet and deduct $125 (sorry, no pound key on this keyboard!) from his monthly share. Then show him exactly how much he is expected to contribute monthly to your combined household. I think that's fair.
Money has been a big pain
Money has been a big pain between my DH and me too. Used to be that he took care of everybody else first and then if there was anything leftover I could use it for household expenses. He borrowed money from me and said he'd get it back to me when he got paid, but I didn't see it. He said, "Oh, you mean you really want me to pay that back?" Seriously, I was furious. His adult son has also cost us a small fortune due to all his drama and I ended up lending him several thousand dollars which I doubt I'll ever see. I knew if things didn't change we wouldn't be able to sustain the marriage, and I told him so. Broke his heart but it was the truth.
So here's what we did. We looked at household expenses, his income, and my income. His income is about 40% of our total income, and mine is 60%. So he is to pay 40% of the household bills and I pay 60%. We manage this -- rather I manage this -- out of a joint checking account. We each have our own individual accounts too. As long as he contributes his 40%, all is well.
He still, though, will add up all his other expenses before contributing his 40% and sometimes the household account gets shorted. So we're still working on that, but at least we talk about it and he has pretty much stopped bouncing checks and paying enormous overdraft fees to the bank. Truth is he felt like a big failure when he was hiding from the realities of money management. He truly treated money like it was magic and it was, as long as I continued to bail him out. We're in a MUCH better place now. Not perfect, but much better.
My DH's obligations to me are just as important as his obligations to anyone else. You can't pretend that nothing is wrong. That would be a lie and you'll never fix the problem if you continue to clean up the financial messes. You have to tell him how you feel about carrying the financial burden of your life together.
I'm glad I'm not the only
I'm glad I'm not the only one - part of me feels petty as it's not as if we're going without things, but we earn pretty much the same amount and I just feel that it's unfair.
Also, I got myself in debt after college, and through hard work, constant monitoring & watching every penny I got my self out of debt completely nearly two years ago - I never want to be in that situation again, I want to save money, not have to take out loans apart from to buy a house, only use the credit card for work expenses I'll be claiming back or occassional things that need to be paid for the following month.
He's a bit of an ostrich in many ways - stick his head down & pretend stuff isn't happening & it might go away! Oh, and as for the 'I spent too much at Christmas' argument - it's the same bloody date every year, how can it catch you by surprise???
Split the expenses down the
Split the expenses down the middle...you should not have to support him because he is supporting his kids or ex-wife...if he can't afford to pay both, he should've not been looking to hook up with anyone...if he did, he needs to pay his 1/2 of everything and if he has any money left over, great...if not, too bad for him...you use your money when YOU WANT to buy things for the two of you or use it to go out with YOUR friends...