Cell phone limitations?
Hi, all.
SS9s summer visit (he lives a few states away) will be here before we know it, and since I worry about things far in advance, DH and I had a long discussion about cell phones - not only the privacy issues with cameras, Facetime, etc., but also not relying on them heavily for entertainment. We try to be a "lower tech" household by spending lots of time outdoors and not having cable or iPads, little social media etc., etc, though we both have laptops for work and phones that we don't use constantly. We decided that we will not allow SS (or DS) to have cell phones until they are 13, and after that SS can have a very basic flip phone because he will be travelling by himself as an unaccompanied minor. The phone will only call and text, no camera and no web. And when he Facetimes BM, on his visits here, he does it from DH's phone.
Is this reasonable? I know it may sound controlling, but there is no way in h*ll that I want BM to see photos of my house or me. He has an iphone already at BMs (that she got for him at 7!), but so far we haven't allowed him to bring it. If he brought it, he will be taking photos of everything and sending to BM or posting online. He has an Instagram acct already. I just wonder what sort of pushback to expect as he gets older. Ugh.
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While I will agree your SS at
While I will agree your SS at nine doesn't need a cellphone (or at least as long as he isn't going off by himself, example bike rides out of your sight and even then does not need an internet phone), You might reconsider some of your decided other controls.
Nope, at nine he doesn't need an instantgram. If he has this kind of access I certainly hope his BM is monitoring and supervising his usage.
But a simple flip phone that does nothing but call and text four years from now may be difficult critter to find. And yeah, you'll get pushback over it. If the phone he will have access to at 13 is one he will only be using while staying at your home, you might consider a bit more but with parental controls on it.
While you're running your home "low tech" , in reality this child is growing up in the higher tech age. He's been using laptaps at school since kindergarten (or at least in my area they are). School projects and homework along with the lessons are all online. What the kiddo doesn't need to be using for is entertainment.
If your lifestyle is outdoors and hikes and all that, think about allowing a camera of some kind (if not in a phone) so he can explore his discoveries later. All this 'tech stuff' doesn't necessarily have to be entertainment , it can be educational. For example, after returning home from an outing he could sit with Dad and lookup the birds, nuts, berries, landscapes he saw. My local library also has online books to read. Library can be logged on to from home and select a book for him to read. Also, some schools have summer studies to practice online. My daughter had a summer math packet online to keep her skills that was do when school started up again.
Just things to think about. The tech stuff doesn't have to be a bad thing, but yes, controls and supervision by an adult is necessary. For times he is talking with his mother , perhaps he can have a designated place (his bedroom, facing the wall?) where he can not give Mom tours of your home and she can see nothing but bits of his bedroom. Put time limits and the whens and ifs . If he can't or won't follow the usage rules, poof that device goes.
FWIW, he will not feel 'better' about your home's limitations just because your son allows has them. Being your son is a year old, SS isn't going to go for the idea that 'see, baby brother doesn't get to use one either'. There is too much of an age difference for SS to relate to that.
I do appreciate your intend to have controls on internet and phone usage. I just think you may be planning on going a bit overboard. Not maybe at nine, but each year after.
This is great advice. We
This is great advice. We truly are in a tech age where it's difficult to communicate without a cell phone. I mean, back in the dark ages..when I was a kid.. everyone had a phone in their home and there were pay-phones in public places. Today, many people no longer have a landline in their home and I can't remember the last time I saw a pay-phone!
My rule for electronics would be that the child couldn't bring it to the home if we couldn't monitor it. I don't care if BM bought it.. if he was there in the house with it while we were the parents in charge.. we get to access it and monitor and set limits on usage.
For a long summer trip, I might be ok with him bringing the phone if he only used it under limited basis and under close supervision.
Thanks for your perspective.
Thanks for your perspective. I like the idea of a camera (separate from a phone) to learn about animals/birds etc. on our hikes. That would be easy to monitor. BTW, I just mentioned that DS will have those rules when he's older - we weren't planning on telling that to SS to make him feel better. BM is sneaky and I've caught SS in lies before, so I don't trust either of them. I can see him taking photos and texting them and then erasing the texts. I might feel ok with him having a phone and using it in a very limited fashion.
I agree with twoviewpoints on
I agree with twoviewpoints on this. OP I totally get wanting your privacy from BM. In my situation BM was invading our privacy already having OSS take pictures of my house even my bedroom for her. So DH and me agreed that the skids can have their cell phone in our house however there is no video conferencing BM or taking pictures if they want to do that they will have to go outside. They can text and talk to BM on the phone all they want. DH told them if we catch them taking pictures or video conferencing with BM inside our house they will no longer be allowed to use their cell phones at all in our house. My privacy was actually violated just so BM could try to use something against my DH in court. But, I also get trying to prevent your privacy from being violated as well. OP you have every right to feel comfortable in your own home. Honestly, I think the best thing to do would to set boundaries and limitations and the minute the skids violate them the cell phones are gone and they can communicate with BM on your DH's phone.
The idea of BM seeing my
The idea of BM seeing my bedroom, OMG. I would flip the f*ck out. When SS comes for his visit, he Facetimes with BM in the basement 3-4x a week. I wouldn't be comfortable with him texting and talking all he wants all summer, even if it's outside. But you're right, the minute skids violate then no more phones is a good idea.
I think it’s TOTALLY
I think it’s TOTALLY reasonable to set limits regarding SS’s cell phone usage while he’s there - he is 9. Keep telling yourself this. He is a 9 year old child. Therefore, don’t feel an ounce of guilt for being the adult and enforcing rules.
BM here got skid an iPhone when she was 7, too. The most ridiculous thing ever. BM’s stance was “She’s MY child and I WILL have access to talking to her WHENEVER I want.”
Yeah, no. As expected, it quickly got out of hand. Texting skid all the time, telling her how much she missed her, how “Mommy is sad.” Asking “What is momjeans and daddy doing?”
I say put the phone up and away out of reach, and give him very limited access to it - if at all. Who cares how BM will react? Is it in the CO that SS is allowed to have his phone 24/7? I highly doubt it, so you set the rules and enjoy the visit. Don’t feel like he has to be constantly entertained either. It’s okay for children to experience boredom here and there.
I like the way you think
I like the way you think momjeans
There's nothing in the CO
There's nothing in the CO about cell phones at all, only that each parent provide reasonable access to the child, and the situation with your skid that you just described is exactly what I'm afraid of - What's Pixie and dad doing? What are you eating? Where are you going, etc. Oh, I don't feel ANY guilt about restricting phone use for SS at all. I just don't want so much pushback that BM decides to go to court over it. And I don't care if he's bored either. I am less concerned about him and his entertainment and more about my privacy and sacredness of my household. I know that people say you can't expect privacy in a step family, but I will do my damnedest.