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BM - The Amazing Coparent

Ursula's picture

BM and my husband have 50/50 custody and currently school is 100% virtual.  SD has been doing a weekly group meet with the guidance counselor.  Each morning of the meeting, BM sends my husband a reminder for the meeting along with the group code.  My husband sent her a note back saying he knows about the meetings so she doesn't need to send the reminders.  She responded back with don't be so rude! I'm just making sure SD is participating in the thing I signed her up for.  So my husband sent a quick note that he isn't being rude, he just wants limited communications with her.  And she said back - so instead of having good communication as we coparent you want to limit our communications?  Does BM seriously think she and my husband have good communication?  What a joke.  She takes SD to drs appointments without ever telling my husband, signed SD up on her insurance while she was still on my husbands which created a huge insurance nightmare, she sent him a "congratulations" email when he lost his job, tells him how much she hates him.  But she is such a good coparent.  We had a good laugh at that.  

And then an even better laugh at this one - two days after telling her he only wants necessary communication about SD with her she sent him a note about a pyramid scheme asking out of curiousity would you ever consider doing something like this?  It's some thing where you give someone $25 and it supposedly turns into 14k somehow.  I guess she was trying to recruit him into giving her $25 for the money train or something.  So stupid...


futurestepmomnowstepgf's picture

these BM's that want to "co-parent" have no idea what is actually means and they are the ones that think their ex is the issue, but really the root of all the issues is themselves. SD's BM has mentioned so many times about just wanting to "co-parent," like I don't understand how in their twisted little brain, they think it is possible or that they communicate well. Blows my mind.

Ursula's picture

I'm pretty sure BM just throws around words like "co-parent" and "best interest" to try to make herself look better for when they inevitably end up in court.  it would be awesome if her actions every backed up being a co-parent or operating in anyones best interest other than her own lol.

strugglingSM's picture

Lol! I think we have the same BM. My favorite was when BM sent DH a long email about how she was choosing "kindness" in dealing with him going forward. That was sandwiched in-between emails where she told him he was stupid, selfish, the meanest person she ever met, a terrible father, a deadbeat dad, someone who didn't care about his children...and on and on and on. He also takes the approach of limiting communication with her, so her angry emails are in response to her own thoughts only, not in response to something he said or did.

She also insisted upon signing Skids up for her insurance and then claimed DH was "just creating work" for her, when his insurance company requested explanation of benefits from her insurance company before paying out on some claim. 

BM in my life also never met a pyramid scheme that she didn't love. When she and DH were married, she made him go to an Amway info session with her. She told him they'd be "millionaires". He refused to ask his family members to buy overpriced toilet paper from her. Her response, "I wish I'd never married you!!!!" I think she actually met her current DH through Amway or something similar. I'm sure she's tried the money train scheme. 

Ursula's picture

Omg I am laughing so hard at the overpriced toilet paper.  I am seriously a little bit second hand embarassed for BM that she is apparently so desperate for money at the moment she's resorting to try to recruit one of 3 baby daddies to participate in this "money making" pyramid scheme.

halo1998's picture

I just want to cooooopaarrrreennnntt...aka do I as I tell you and remain my punching bag for whatever ails me.  Do not give advice or you thoughts....that is not part of the cooooapppppparrrrennnnt relationship.

Ursula's picture

Exactly!! When BM signed SD up for these sessions with the guidance counselor she sent a message to my husband saying I believe I will sign SD up for this because I believe it is in her best interest.  Make sure you sign her in each day if it falls on your time.  

Never once did she ask my husband what he thought of it, if he thought SD needed these weekly meets with the guidance counselor or anything.  It was all about her and what she thought and making sure he was going to do what she wanted him to do.

skell76's picture

we get these! The requests to communicate and be transparent etc etc. When you ask her something....she refuses and her answer is "we'll go to mediation" wtf for. It will fail and it always ends up in court. Freaking double standards all the time. It's infuriating. 

Ursula's picture

Yes! BM asked my husband why they have the our family wizard app for communicating if he won't "coparent" with her.  He quickly reminded her that the courts ordered it after he filed contempt against her because when they used to text message she "never got the messages" because of "bad reception" so she would always just ignore anything that he said.  Funny that if she texted him needing an answer on something her phone always worked when she got his response lol.

skell76's picture

And she is required to answer within 24 hours per the parenting plan.  She'll respond with a benign "I'll think about this and get back to you" or her coveted "I think we should go to mediation"

ie: DH declared his second week of vacation, she states hes not in compliance but after three requests she absolutely REFUSES to answer.  Just said refer to the parenting plan. Duh, done that. Anytime she's declared incorrectly which is almost every time, DH says hey can't tack on per hte parenting plan, please review and send new dates. 

Not her. None of the rules apply to her. Ever.  

MissK03's picture

Read my last blog... haha. 

I also over heard SS17 on the phone with BM Saturday (he constantly talks on speaker and it's so annoying) because he was trying to get out of his punishment that SO gave him. 

She always refers to him as "babe" (I find calling your 17 year old son babe gross) and she just played it off as wellllll the two weeks will go by quick blah blah instead of the whole "parenting" thing telling him he shouldn't be f'n vaping!! But, she claimed my SO doesn't tell her anything... hmmm... doesn't add up. 

CastleJ's picture

Sounds just like our BM who keeps claiming she wants to "coparent". She would send DH appointment reminders for appointments she set up for SS on the day of the appointment and then be mad when DH couldn't attend due to last minute notice. Coparenting only works with HCBMs if you let them do whatever they want and don't question it. When you start questioning or challenging it, all hell breaks loose. I am so glad we are long distance and aren't expected to attend anything. 

Our BM did this just this morning, emailing DH to let him know that she took SS to the dentist and he has two cavities that need repair. DH asked why he is getting so many cavities for an 8 year old and she became defensive saying that he hasn't had that many and if you remember... Well BM, DH doesnt know SS' dental history because you never bother to share. 

Coparenting with HCBMs is literally that, Control the Other Parent. Most of the time, these BMs have the worst communication ever. They think they communicate something important and dont, and then blame DH when he doesn't know something. Or its pages of nonsensical emails that go around in circles that serve their purpose of "informing" without saying anything useful. We couldn't dare question BM's parenting methods, but you better believe we received pages of emails from her about DH's parenting. 

CastleJ's picture

Plus BM always use to send pages of useless information. DH was getting three emails a day at one point. He told BM to stick to only necessary information and she freaked out saying she was only trying to keep him informed. When we went to court, BM said it was clear that DH didnt want to be involved in SS' life because he told her to "stop communicating" - yeah no. 

Ursula's picture

Yes, I'm 100% sure she is trying to use my husband telling her he only wants to communicate as necessary to try to make him look bad and unable to coparent.  Not going to work.  Plus, he isn't interested in being a coparent with her.  He just wants to parallel parent and keep as much distance from her as possible.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Every time i hear the term "coparenting relationship" i want to vomit. People who like to use that word tend to want anything but to merely coparent, in my experience. You procreate with someone, then you leave them (or they leave you.) Why would you want anything besides polite, efficient exchange of information while you go about your separate lives? I'll tell you why - you want drama, you want your partner back, you want control, or you want attention - "Look at me what a great babymamma i am!" 

charlie2019's picture

AMEN I think it's this RE my situation. My SD's BM is trying to prove to us/my DH that she is an amazing BM and wants us all to be one big cohesive unit, as long as everything is exactly how she wants it and she can berate my DH anytime he has an opinion. That's when you get cut off for good, have the most limited and only necessary communication possible, because that b*tch isn't going to destroy us.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Exactly. I've been divorced 10 years with 2 kids and if i wanted to talk to my ex every day i wouldn't have left him! I have enough respect for his girlfriend not to make myself a nuisance, too. 

thinkthrice's picture

She also fell for the "your kids could be models" scheme when she was married to Chef.   Wanted Chef to pay $$$$$$ for overpriced portfolios.  

Ummm skids are downright HOMELY.  SD, aka Animal Torturer, who resembles Chef, was the most normal/average looking of all three, but no child model.