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Thought consuming and need to get it out

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I just need to vent. 

DH was helping SD in preparation for her high school activities. (I know this sounds weird, but I’m trying not to divulge too much telling info.) I could hear them from the other room where I was with DS. DH was starting to wrap things up when (At 8:30pm) SD said she wanted to go to her Aunt’s because BM was sleeping there that night. 

Then she got sidetracked and her and DH started doing some other related activity. 30 minutes roll by and when DH says he needs to get DD4 to bed, SD starts changing her tuning and saying that she doesn’t get to spend any time with DH. DH reminded her that they just spent the last hour to hour and a half doing stuff. 

Since I was in the other room, I didn’t hear everything but SD started saying that DH doesn’t spend enough time with her because he’s always doing stuff with DD. (Not true.) DH tried to explain that DD is 4 and needs help with stuff. And to be honest, DH has been more busy with stuff outside and around the house and I’ve been with the two younger ones. And once DH settles down, he wants to just sit down on the couch and be on his phone (which is what SD does all day anyway - and tried to tell DH he’s on his phone too much). 

DH then tries to get DD ready for bed and SD huffs into her room mumbling something, but loud enough for us to hear. I tell DH that he needs to go talk to her. 

DH goes round and round with SD about her going to her Aunt’s because “she wants to stay here but doesn’t” and is “sad and mad and my mom knows how to calm me down.” DH calmly asks her why she’s sad and mad but she can’t spit it out. 

DH and I had talked earlier, because all this SD stuff consumes my thoughts and I hate that it does. I told him I wanted to write her a letter so I could organize my thoughts. So when he was talking to SD and she said she couldn’t say why she was sad/mad, he suggested she write it down. She then blamed him for trying to end their conversation and that they never get to talk! 

I could tell he was starting to be over her behavior. He reminded her that they’ve spent plenty of time together when she was helping him outside. And that if she wanted to spend time with him, she has to change some of her schedule. [Her current schedule is stay up late, sleep in until after noon, be on her phone and/or in her room when she is awake, then repeat.] I don’t think DH was doing everything he could to really wake her up, but I could see that after trying enough he was over it and just wanted to move on. 

SD’s response to him wanting her to change her schedule? “It’s to haaaaard!” Boo-frickin-hoo. By this point, DH lost his cool and very sternly told her “If you want to spend time with me, you need to not stay up all night, not sleep until 1 in the afternoon, and get your butt out of bed. You are 14 years old!” And of course the waterworks start from SD and she calls mommy. DH tells her to give her the phone and he talks to BM on speakerphone. He calmly explains the situation and BM just listens and says the occasional “mmhmm.” BM says some stuff about SD missing out on stuff and this being a hard time for her but BM says that it’s not an excuse (shocker!). I think it shocked SD too because she said “oh right, you take his side now that he’s on the phone.” 

After all this, SD got her way and got to go to her Aunt’s house. The only way was if BM came to our house to get her. I’m just glad that she didn’t wake up my kids by leaving at 11pm. DH tried to say that it’s good if she thinks she’s coming up with the decision (about leaving or staying), but I asked him what if it’s the opposite of what you want the outcome to be? He didn’t have an answer for me. What B.S.! Because that’s what happened! He wanted her to stay, even told her mother she didn’t need to come, and then BM comes to get her. How does that work?!? 

I guess I should just be glad she’s not here. DH told her she could come back but that he was going to be busy Friday and Saturday. When she found out it would only be for a day she opted out. Thank goodness, because I don’t want to worry about having her around. Especially since our anniversary is coming up and DH has expressed multiple times that she will not be with us this year (thank goodness). 





Trying to Stepmom's picture

And I just remembered!

SD told DH that she needs therapy. (Not the first time she's said that and she's already had 3 counselors.) But she said she doesn't want one of those counselors that just try to brainwash her like the others. Wow! If that doesn't sound like BM. DH told her that he thinks she needs to see a doctor and she cried "Nooooo!" Wouldn't be surprised if BM put in her head that doctors aren't helpful. 

Thisisnotus's picture

That sounds a lot like my SD12....the only difference is that she won't ever vocalize anything. Instead she just follows my DH around the house....which is her way of saying "I need you to spend more time with me" she doesn't leave his side for one minute when she is here.

when my DH tries to escape her....she tells him she is ready to back to BMs and off they go.

she also sleeps until about 3 pm so she misses out on everything we ever do because I'm a morning person and like to get out of the house by 9 or 10 and then I'm done by she is just out of luck.....but then acts like she always misses hoo...


Trying to Stepmom's picture

Oh my goodness the following! 

My SD used to be awful about it to the point that she would wait outside the bathroom while he was in there. She's not as bad anymore but the time before when we had her, she would follow him around when he was outside working or doing things in the garage. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Yep! SD stands outside the bathroom door talking to him while he is in there. She stands beside him in the kitchen when he cooks. It's really really weird.

she won't spend the night here (BM has made her feel too guilty and DH won't push it) but she also won't leave his side when she is here so it's just so odd.

i have posted many posts about this.....when she is here I feel like I need medication (I don't have it) to just be here. It's very strange to watch a 7th grade girl twirl and dance and sing for daddeeeee to watch her for hours. 

On Father's Day I needed a break from SD because I can only take watching the circus for so our toddler has a little outdoor small splash mat sprinkler....I got some chairs and let her play.....a while later I asked DH to come sit with me.....then a minute later here comes SD in her swimsuit and she is now sitting on the todddler splash mat playing with the baby freaking weird!!! 7th grade not 7 years old! Grrrrrr....she can't stand if dhs eyes are not on her 24/7.....

Trying to Stepmom's picture


Luckily my SD doesn't try and dance around like a little kid for attention. But she doesn't have very good conversational skills and says some really random stuff or things to stir the pot, which DH and I won't acknowledge. But then she says we never listen to her. But then feels attacked when we do say something because what she says is so off the wall or not nice to say. 

Chi123's picture

This was the skids when our DS was born. Complained that DH didn't spend time etc. So he talked to them upfront that he won't tolerate their behavior and explained the situation. Theywere upset for few months but they came back around. But omg the eldest just follows him EVERYWHERE! We cant even go to the store without her throwinf a crying tantrum because she has to stay! Your husband is doing good setting rules etc. He should give her space and see how it goes

Trying to Stepmom's picture


DH can do a good job but I think is too lax sometimes. I definitely know there are things I need to work on too. 

ntm's picture

Just wait until she complains that if he didn't have the younger kids, he'd have more money to spend on her. Yep. Happened here. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I'm sure we'll hear that at some point. 

When it was DD4's birthday, SD commented that she didn't get as many presents as DD. It's always been about the number of presents for her. She used to count how many she'd get at Christmas and tell us she got more at BM's. The first time that happened, DH explained to me that BM just buys her a bunch of stuff from the dollar store (or pawn shop) so that she has a bunch to open. She even made some comment to DH that BM got her everything for her on her bday list this year.  Except that she didn't have it there for her on her bday. I guess they ordered from Amazon that day. She should just be happy she got anything with her ungrateful attitude. 

Lady.Tremaine's picture

Jesus is your SD Dudley from Harry Potter? God some of these skids need a kick in the pants. 

I'd take away gifts of a child that acts like that or maybe pull a Joan Crawford- let her pick one and give the rest to charity.

Trying to Stepmom's picture

I don't know much about Harry Potter, but I know enough to look it up. This is what I found on a fandom wiki...

When Dudley counted his presents, he got angry and claimed that he had two fewer than his last birthday, although he actually had one fewer than his last birthday. Petunia promised that when the family went out, she would buy him two more presents, and satisfied with this, he did not throw a tantrum.

Yup, that sounds about right. Although SD was more of a pouter than a tantrum thrower when it came to presents. 

We actually didn't get her a present last year and only a card. DH asked her multiple times last year what she wanted and she didn't know. Then eventually said she didn't want anything (how can you want anything when you get whatever you want any day of the year?). So DH did just that, no present. She had been a particularly giant turd before her birthday last year, so it seemed fitting that she didn't get a present. 

Trying to Stepmom's picture

and will be starting high school in the fall. 

DH has already mentioned that when she is done with high school that the CS ends. 

And she already knows that her bedroom will become her sister's once she is done with high school.