You are here

So Sick of Everyone Kissing SD’s Ass

frustrated-mom's picture

I’m so sick and tired of there never being any consequences for SD15‘s bad behavior. I’m waiting for her to get her just desserts, but everyone around her just coddles her and makes sure that poor SD15 has everything she wants and never suffers any negative consequences from the problems she’s brought on herself.

Now its like her dad is walking on glass trying to avoid upsetting her so he win her back over and get her to stop hating him. So he’s absolutely unwilling to actually parent her or call her out on bullshit that would actually make a difference. Instead, all she gets is praise for being a brat.

Yesterday DH got SD15‘s grades for the 1st Quarter (keep in mind, these are classes she’s taking again because she failed nearly all of her classes last year being a lazy brat when she was living with us) - and she has a 3.75 GPA. DH is practically rubbing in my face how “well” she’s doing living with her aunt & uncle.

Why is this a big deal? She’s taking classes for the 2nd time that she should have passed last year if she wasn’t self-centered, entitled brat. Any idiot could get an A if they are repeating a class.

Does anyone point this out? No. Everyone keeps telling her how great she is. Her dad, aunt & uncle and half-siblings make it out like last school year she was sick with some deadly disease and now she’s trying to catch up and it’s miraculous that she’s doing things that are expected of any other child. The comments from her teachers on her progress reports made me want to vomit.

Does anyone tell her that everything that happened last year was a result of her terrible behavior and she is the one to blame? No, nothing is ever her fault. She’s never held accountable for anything.

Why are grades the sole judge of if a kid is doing well or not. She’s still a self-centered brat that’s only doing her school work now that she’s being given everything she wants.

What does it matter if she’s getting A’s when she’s still a horrible human being? She’s being disrespectful to her father, will barely speaks to him and tells him to f**k off.

Why am I a bad parent because she failed 9th grade and her aunt & uncle are Parents of the Year because she’s on the Honor Roll?

When she lived with us, the world didn’t revolve around her, she wasn’t given everything she wanted and she was treated like a child who was expected to behave, follow rules, be corrected and disciplined. Her aunt & uncle treat her like she’s a college student and give her adult status and anything she wants.

DH keeps going on and on about how responsible she’s being since she’s taking additional online classes so she can graduate on time. (which wouldn’t be an issue if she had actually done anything last year!!). But she’s taking junk classes like Web Design and Art Appreciation that any moron could pass. She gets to take the easy way out of everything.

I know I need to completely disengage and tell my DH that I no longer want to hear anything that’s going on with his brat and pretend she doesn’t exist. Not my kid, not my problem.

But if I don’t say anything, her dad is going to keep turning blind eye to her behavior and I know he wants to use her good grades as reason why she should live with us gain. And it pisses me off to no end to see a girl get away with manipulating people this badly.

I wish for once there would be consequences that would stick.

Last school year when she was failing miserably and wasn’t phased by any typical punishments, I told him to take away something that would actually get her attention. So we told her that if she wanted to go visit her half-siblings and other relatives back in her hometown that summer, she needed to pass all of her classes. If not, there was going to be hell to pay and she couldn’t go.

She retaliated by not even bothering to answer any questions on her final exams and only doodling on them. She didn’t even try. No effort at all.

And what did her dad do? Absolutely no follow through on the consequences. He let her exactly what she wanted and let her stay with her half-sister for the whole summer then go live with her aunt, uncle and half-brother.

No wonder she’s learned that if she doesn’t like something, she simply rebels and throws tantrums like toddler until she gets what she wants and everyone around her coddles her, tells her her dad and I are wrong and let her take the easy way out.


frustrated-mom's picture

I keep waiting for the honeymoon to be over and for her to show her true colors. But I’m resigned to the fact that no matter what she does, no one will let her fail.

I’m actually jealous of all the SMs on here who have kids failing and going to juvie. Maybe then they can see some actual change. Had SD15 continued failing, there’s no way things would be like they are now.

But there’s no hope of anything happening to fix SD15. I’m stuck with her the way she is since she’s on the honor roll and volunteers taking care of abandoned horses so she’s a saint and I’m wrong and a bad mother.

Anon2009's picture

IMHO, I don't think DH should have brought her to live in your home when he barely knew her himself. So I can see how that would be an unpleasant situation for everyone. For her, she was forced to live with people she didn't know. I can see why she felt tempted to act out in that situation. Same for you. You didn't know her, and weren't equipped to deal with her multitude of issues.

I think the best solution would be for you to ask DH to stop talking to you about her because it's only making you resent her more, and that's not helpful for anyone. Let him handle things on his own with SD, her relatives and therapist. I really think that in some situations, ignorance is truly bliss. If she wants to fix things with you, she'll do so when she's ready to sit down and really hash this out with you. Hopefully as she gets older, she'll realize where she too went wrong and will apologize for that, or at least admit to it.

frustrated-mom's picture

Legally, he's her only parent and he didn't feel he had a choice. Neither of us felt there was any option.

There wasn't a potential guardian to maintain custody where she lived so she wouldn't have to move. Her half-sister was given guardianship of the brother, but she was away at college and the half-brother lived with friends to finish high school.

Her uncle stepped up later, but he wasn't really in the picture back when her grandmother died.

I don't blame DH, other than his inability to effectively discipline her.

hismineandours's picture

Yeah, I am right there with you. My ss13 is supposedly a model child at my mil's house. Whatever. I dont truly know if he is or not-as I think even if he was doing horrible stuff they'd lie about it to make him look good. I have heard he is "doing good" in school-but who the heck knows what that means? No copies of report cards, no online grades, and no specific grades are ever mentioned in these discussions. A report card full of D's or all passing grades except for two pesky F's could be "doing good" in the inlaw and ss's eyes. If he is making honor roll grades in some ways that shows me even more what an ass he is-as evidently he had the potential all along to do well-just chose not to.

Obviously your sd is a brain as she is able to get grade level work so easily on her second time taking the class Smile

I try not to think about it a lot-I dont have any expectations that my ss13 is ever going to be anything other than a hollow shell of an invididual. He has no attachment to anyone and this will continue to cause him problems his whole life. His mo is to use everyone and treat others poorly and then when they start getting really pissed about it-just to cut your losses and run to the next family. This has worked quite well for him so far so I dont see him changing that pattern. He will eventually hang himself at inlaws-it may take a while as they are most certainly coddling just like with your sd. They are, more or less, completely fresh victims for ss (he's not been particularly close to them over the years)so it will take them awhile before they begin to see his true colors. I am hoping they at least hang on until he is 18.

frustrated-mom's picture

I know exactly what you mean.

SD15, as devoid of all manners and social skills, has the ability to do well in school (she at least takes after her dad in that).

There was no reason she couldn't just apply herself, actually put forth some effort and pass her classes last school year with us. But when she doesn't get her way, she pulls stunts like a 2 year old - crossing her arms and refusing to do anything.

What annoys me to no end that it can look like the problem was DH and I since her grades were only a problem when she lived with us. But that was entirely her fault.

While I'm waiting for her to start getting into trouble at her aunt & uncles, I'm not sure if they would tell us and she has her half-brother there to cover for her. They spin her attitude and backtalking as being a positive. Her uncle told us that he was proud of her for not talking crap from anyone and deciding what was best for her by herself.

When those are the types of values she's being taught, there's really no hope.