tog redux's Blog
DH and BM both came out of the courtroom looking nauseous and beat up. Apparently it was an hour of back and forth about their respective positions on the matter, and since DH didn't have an attorney, he was asking BM questions directly. It's a special kind of hell to be in a room with an ex you hate for an hour while a magistrate looks over it all.
Monday is the court date. DH got BM's financial information, and he sent his. The attorney is "considering" his request for other documents regarding the matters that are being heard on Monday.
Court is on 12/17. To review, BM wants more CS for an almost 19-year-old because his clothes and food cost more (seriously), even though she agreed to waive an increase in the divorce order. She also wants help with college expenses.
DH was alienated from SS for 3.5 years and knew nothing about college until after SS was enrolled. DH is going Pro Se, BM has an attorney. DH sent the attorney, last Monday, a list of other documents DH wants pertaining to college and child support (FAFSA forms, rejection from BM's college where he can get free tuition, etc), around 10 items.
Dealing with my SS18 is like playing the card game Bullshit (also know as "I doubt it" when parents were in the room). Remember that game? People go in a circle and put as many of a number that they have in their hand down, starting with Aces. So if I have to put down 3s and I have none, I have to put down at least one other card and say it's "one 3". If other people doubt me, they can yell "Bullshit", and if they are right and I lied, I have to take all the cards. If I didn't lie, they take them all.
BM in our situation is high conflict, though she hides it well under her victim mask. We spent years and tens of thousands in court to finalize their divorce and then repeatedly for custody matters. The last time we were in court was Fall of 2014, after which SS PAS'd out entirely and DH dropped the rope to save our marriage and his own sanity and health - also to take SS out of the middle. SS was PAS'd for over 3 years and things got peaceful here. Not much heard from BM.
I've always been good at outward disengagement. My DH never expected or wanted me to parent his son (in fact, once he told me to back off when I got overinvolved in trying to make SS do his homework). I did the occasional favor for him, picking SS up at school or making dinner for him every now and then, but otherwise, I was disengaged. (I also got overinvolved in trying to show SS he was being alienated, and I regret that).
SS18 has been coming over periodically to help out around our house for money. Well, he's come over to work twice now. DH has tried to make arrangements with him 4-5 other times, but he cancels them for various reasons:
- too sore from working here the day before
- has a Charlie Horse
- has to do homework
- dog got into chocolate
- too stressed about drama with friends
- didn't reply because his phone is "acting up".
The kid has a million excuses.
My SS's descent into total alienation was a horrible, traumatic experience for all of us, likely worst for him. I never hoped for alienation no matter how hard things were, as it was awful for DH to lose his only child and to feel so helpless to do anything about it.
I posted years ago as "tog" but deleted my account after my SS PAS'd out around 3 years ago at 15.