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Am I Asking too much? NO I'M NOT!!!

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

I have a constant argument going on inside...Am I asking too much...then I want to scream NO I'M NOT!

I feel like I’m told by DH often that I’m asking for too much.  I think there may be some truth to this; I have high expectations of my partner....but do I really have expectations that are too high?  I struggle to know if I truly am asking for too much or DH is a gaslighting butt munch.  Sorry sarcasm is my coping mechanism.

I have this terrible toxic stew and DH’s way of dealing with his toxic family, daughter, and the toxic BM is by ignoring it all.  He often tells me I should just let things go, don’t worry about what people think.  Easier said than done.  We don’t have contact with IL’s anymore, so maybe he’s right about this one.  I’ve done my very best to go NC with BM and SD18, but DH is not on board with that.  For BM or SD18.  I can understand his need to still try to have a relationship with SD18 (even though I'm sure this is going to end up really messign with us both), but I really don’t understand the need to converse with BM in anything but a text.  He shares custody of SD13 who is self-sufficient and requires very little communication between her parents.

DH has on many occasions claimed to agree that he should only talk to BM by text message (mostly to protect himself and be able to prove what has been said).  Then BM calls several times in one day and texts “Call Me” and he always does.  This time I tried to make it lighter by joking.  BM starts calling and he says “maybe it’s something we can’t discuss in a text like she wants SD13 to start having custody time with her again” (She has been with us during the entire COVID stay at home order).  I say why do you always fall for this and eventually I SMH and tell him to do what he thinks is best.  This time with one caveat. If he gets her on the phone and she wants something that could have been texted he has to say at some point in the conversation to her “I’m a sucker.”  I thought it would be funny and maybe show him that he really is a sucker.  So (of course) BM wants nothing except to tell him SD13 needs to wear a coat when they meet in the park later.  I’m standing by waiting for my “I’m a sucker” moment.  DH rolls eyes gets angry and never says it.  I refuse to let it go and even the next morning I wake up and say, “do you feel like a sucker.”  I find this highly amusing and can’t stop laughing about it.  He does not.

Behind the joke though is a real question; what is his need t talk to BM?  It feels like a sickness to me.  I don’t understand why he wants to align himself with this toxic person.  She has created so many issues for him, for me, for his daughters.  He denies none of this but still “has” to call her when she insists. He’s a sucker.  Me asking this and not getting an answer leads to a fight and I end up feeling like crap again. I’ve asked him to explain this in writing.  I want us both to see his dysfunction in writing…maybe it will help him realize he’s choosing this over his marriage...maybe it will help me realize he's choosing Toxic BM over his marriage.

Second big issue; I asked for some boundaries for Mother’s Day.  Nothing big, just be sure I don’t have to interact with SD18, BM, or Shitty IL’s on that day.  I also asked him not to force SD13 to celebrate me.  In the past it has just made us both uncomfortable.  She doesn’t want to (probably because of her toxic mother) and I can tell she doesn’t, so I feel bad.  He did this and it was actually nice to have no expectations and I wasn’t disappointed.  I feel like DH punished me for these things.  He got super drunk the night before; I woke up to a mess in the kitchen and him sleeping on the couch.  He did rally from there and make sure he helped my D15 make me breakfast and celebrate me and picked up a lovely carry out dinner. He did not publicly celebrate me however; which I get is a little thing...but while I’ve dumped all Shitty IL’s from my social media; he has not.  I felt like it would have been a good way for him to stick up for me and show IL’s how he feels.  I asked him about this the day after Mother’s Day and I got the regular bull from him.  “you just never want to be happy and you just want to sabotage things” “it’s never enough for you” and completely invalidating my feelings.  I've asked for an explanation in writing for this too.  I keep thinking things will make more sense to both of us if he writes it down.

I find myself asking if I am asking for too much all the time.  I really don’t feel like I am (I'M NOT). I feel like DH has put me in a position of having to deal with a world of dysfunction.  I feel like he is not able to (or just doesn’t want to) protect me from the dysfunction.  I feel like I’ve made good boundaries with IL’s (got rid of them on social media), BM (I have almost zero contact with her even if I have to skip an important SD13 events), SD18 (I’ve blocked her on all social media and on my phone).  I feel like he hasn’t and so we are still connected to major toxic crap.

I feel like when I try to talk to DH about my needs it is met with strife. I’m made to feel like either he’s already providing me with this need or I’m asking too much (AND I'M NOT).  In the last few weeks it is my biggest concern with my relationship with him.  We talk about it in counseling and the counselor has some really good insight about his upbringing that causes this.  I think she is probably right…DH says “he doesn’t know” if she’s right and he’s not sure why he behaves this way.  That’s just not enough anymore. We have a fantastic counselor that knows us both well.  She has amazing insight especially in DH’s many insecurities but if DH doesn’t recognize these then the counselling is useless.

I selfishly don’t want to blow up my life by divorcing DH (But is there anothe logical choice).  I love the life we’ve built and I feel like in lots of ways we are close to being ok….but are we (I'm not right now)?  I feel like I don’t want to throw in the towel and let all of these toxic assholes in our life win…but is that a good reason to stay?  I’ve justified some of this by recognizing that all relationships have issues and maybe I should just deal with these…but is this healthy for me?  If I’m questioning the basic goodness of my husband and wondering if he’s a manipulative butt munch, then do I even belong in this relationship with him.

I know I’m tired of having to fight so hard for my needs big and small.  I know I’m fatigued from the toxic merry go round of his world.  I’m starting to wonder if at the center of his toxic world is a very broken man that encourages this (maybe even by accident if I’m being generous) behavior.  Maybe until my husband wants to remove toxic it won’t go away….or maybe until I remove husband the toxic won’t go away….or maybe I’m just asking too much. Maybe I’m scared because every time I divorce and reset it seems to get worse.  Maybe I tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive.  Maybe DH belongs with Toxic BM and we would all be happier that way.

I’m confused and I can’t seem to get myself sorted out, ugh!  I just know I want peace; I want to feel adored; I want to feel respected; I want to feel cherished; I want my needs to matter…and I don’t and they don't. F$%@ I don't want to go through all the crap of divorce UGH!


Winterglow's picture

Doesn't he mind his ex treating him like an airhead with these ridiculous messages? Telling him their daughter needs to wear a coat? How stupid does she really think he is? 

Honestly, I don't blame you for resenting the "space" his ex is taking up in your life with her nigh constant presence. How would he feel if you called an ex as often as he calls his?

And, yes, if she could send a text telling him to call, of course she could have simply told him what she wanted via text in half a dozen words. But she wouldn't do that, would she? How could she remain relevant in his life if she did that? She'd have no personal contact with him ...

Kes's picture

It's coming across that his pathology is that he wants the main people in his life fighting over him, in order to make him feel he matters. This could well be why he keeps it going with BM - and why he needs to gaslight you by telling you that you're making too big a thing of it.  If you can tolerate this far into the future then maybe you can make a go of it, but I would find this very difficult to stomach. 

Harry's picture

DH should not be talking to his ex.  Its should be all by text or email.  You can not be friends with some on you sleep with.  He cannot be friends with BM his ex. He is disrespectful to you by doing this. Bigger he does not care that he is doing this disrespecting.  
other golf him. Makes no difference.  This behavior could be the real reason for his divorce 

Vonne616's picture

I am in tears reading this because I, like you, love my husband so much and that is where I am torn. I don't want to live in this dysfunction of his allowing his kids to do and say what they want because he is still carrying guilt of their broken home. Do I really need to 'get over it' and 'move on' when your psycho ex wife sends us hate mail because she doesn't believe in divorce and let her tell it, I am married to her husband. YES!! you read it right.. who does that. And then my DH chooses to not say anything. We don't want to add fuel to the fire.. so you are going to let her call me out of my name, tell me the kids don't like me and call me a homewrecker because you want to keep the peace. Needless to say, I have moved and my daughter loves living in a clean place again.. it has been almost a year but now that the pandemic has hit, he has the epiphany that he wants me to be a priority now. He will do whatever it takes to show me that. I don't believe him and I don't really know if I want to go back to that dysfunction. I want to feel supported and I need to know I am your priority.. I don't have that..

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

I don't have that either. It is my internal struggle.  I love my husband too and I don't want to leave, but I don't want this drama and dysfunction anymore.  I really am not equiped to deal with this much dysfunction.  I've been put through too much to just bounce back from it anymore.  I keep thinking he is emotionally immature and that maybe he just needs some time to grow but maybe that isn't truth either.  In the last few days I've really been thinking that I need to move on without him.  I need to remove him and his dysfunction in order to make room for peace and good things.  I've never been in a perfect relationship but this one is far too draining for me.

I'm just not ready to go there yet and I'm hanging onto the hope for change.  I feel myself disengaging though and I don't think it's in a good way.  Truthfully my marriage is hanging by a string and the love I have for him isn't enough to get through all of this. Because like someone said above I question whether he actually loves me Sad ouch that hurts....

tog redux's picture

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage - but the good has to outweigh the bad - and the bad can't be TOO bad.  If the good no longer outweighs the bad, it's time to go.  Love is not enough.