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I wish we could save SD13 from her BM

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Things have been relatively quiet on the home front.  This is mostly because I’ve stopped engaging in most things having to do with SD’s and IL’s.  I totally removed them from my social media, and I have asked my friends/family not to tell me anything they might see. 

DH says he has been occasionally texting SD18 and found out she is seeing her old therapist.  Which is interesting because she and BM both told everyone they didn’t like this therapist because they think I was manipulating her.  I assume this is because she agreed that SD18 suffers from some pretty serious mental illness and at the time required good boundaries from both parents.  This is also the therapist that said she would call CPS if evil MIL was ever left alone with the kids again.  This therapist strongly suggested no contact with MIL until she could be accountable for her part in SD’s abuse.  I’m really glad to hear she’s seeing this therapist and I hope it helps her.

SD18 has also told DH she was kicked out of her rental house because of a fight between her boyfriend and friend, which means she is now living with BM and SD13.  SD18’s boyfriend is 29 years old, has two children with two different women and takes care of neither of him.  Since SD18 started dating him she has amped up her use of marijuana and even now sells paraphernalia.  We know of the boyfriend through one of our mutual friends who has repeatedly warned us that the man is trouble.  BM is allowing boyfriend to stay the night with SD18 and even be at the house alone while SD13 is there doing virtual school.  It scares the crap out of me.  SD13 reports to DH that the boyfriend is funny and “seems nice” so DH is trying to ignore it (as he often does with difficult things).  I’m nervous for SD13 it seems like a terrible situation.  It is also really odd to me because SD18’s boyfriend is only 3 years younger than BM’s last boyfriend…so is BM interested in him?  Probably not, she won’t date men with children, but it is interesting.

Adding to the drama. BM currently has no car and is borrowing SD18’s (paid for by evil MIL) to get to work and get SD13 to her activities. BM had a leased vehicle.  I’m not sure what happened to that vehicle but I know she was a few payments behind last year.  She then was driving her stepdad’s minivan.  SD13 tells us BM crashed said minivan at 5 am on her way home from working at the bar and did not call the police.  It is safe to assume BM was drunk, and btw the bar close at 2am.  Again, I’m feeling nervous for SD13 as BM seems to be spiraling into the bottle again, like she has when she was single before.

I encouraged DH to talk to SD13 about not riding with anyone that has been drinking and that she can call us anytime for a ride.  I also asked him if he could talk to BM about POS boyfriend spending the night.  He feels that would not be helpful and might just create conflict and get SD13 in trouble.  He’s probably right about that so here we are!  Powerless!  I just hope SD13 can discern a bad situation and get herself out of it ☹ nervous and worried.


JRI's picture

You just know something is going to blow up.  How often do you have SD13?  That's one difficult thing about steplife - seeing some of the oncoming train wrecks and having no power to do anything.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

We have her every other week, one week on one week off.  This week though we get her for BM's weekend because it's halloween and BM doesn't want to deal with all of that.  Too busy with her own party time.

JRI's picture

We  BMs hate to be inconvenienced! Well, at least a week is long enough for your DH to have a talk with her.

justmakingthebest's picture

I could be totally off base here but a 29 yr old that is into an 18 yr old... It doesn't seem like it is too far of a stretch for him to be into the 13 yr old. 

I hope your SD keeps her door locked at night and feels safe to call you guys any time- day or night if she feels uncomfortable. 

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Ok thanks for saying that because I thought I was a jerk for thinking seems totally possible he's into a 13 year old.  She told DH she doesn't have  lock on her door.  I know BM (aka filter face or spider eyes) tells her often she's not allowed to talk to us about anything that happens in her home.  Back when BM and her now ex boyfriend were having scary violent fights she told SD13 she better not tell us anything.  She basically threatened her by saying she would lose the kids and it would be SD13's fault.  She's a manipulative a hole I hate to even give her a titel with mom in it because she rarely behaves like a mom.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are not a jerk - I was thinking the same thing. This is a case where what goes on in BM's home is  DH's business. DH needs to sit SD13 down and have a very frank conversation with her about personal boundaries. She needs to be told that if she feels uncomfortable around this man, she needs to tell her Dad - and if she thinks she is in any kind of danger that her Dad will immediately come get her. In this situation, if my DH wouldn't talk to her, I would.

Since she doesn't have a lock on her door, she needs to put something up against it so she would at least wake up if anyone tries to come in.

Have you heard of the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker? It basically teaches women to listen to their "inner voice" when it comes to interacting with people in order to keep them selves safe. You might read it first and see if she is mature enough to read it. If not, he has a book called "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe" that has good information for teenagers.

JRI's picture

That older guy creeps me out.  The "Gift of Fear" is an excellent suggestion.

tog redux's picture

I remember the days when I wished I could save SS. Now he's almost 21 and I'm just happy to never see him.  Seems like eventually they get sucked into the dysfunction.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Spider eyes (BM) is highly manipulative and goes to great lengths to tell both SD's and anyone else that will fall into her web how terrible we are.  I fully believe at some point SD13 might leave us and break our hearts just like her sister, but until she does I can't help but worry for her.  She is in a world of deep dyfunction at spider eyes house and I can't even imagine how she copes.

tog redux's picture

Yep, it was heart-breaking. But we dealt with it and moved on. DH is very disappointed in his son, but he doesn't blame himself and he has built a happy life with me and doesn't let it drag him down.