You are here

The Dreaded “D” Word and How COVID Made Everything Clear

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

The moment I have been trying to avoid for the last three years is here.  My DH and I are getting a Divorce.  Yes, I said it the dreaded “D” word.  I feel extremely sad and I’m worried we won’t go through with it, but it is the right choice.

I had a positive rapid COVID test last week.  Until the 2nd negative PCR (non rapid) test came back myself and my family had to quarantine.  They all came back negative, so I had to quarantine away from them.  Which required someone to provide me with food, water, and whatever I needed from the kitchen or my room.  We made the choice to send SD13 and DD16 to my ex’s house.  SD13’s Mom was “worried she might have it.”  It turns out she was actually worried about missing out on some party time.  She was never even tested, shocker.  For the first two mornings I had the kids bringing me coffee and food and DH had to do only a little.  The first day after the kids were gone, I started calling DH in the morning (I still had to work from home).  He never answered.  After a half hour I just went upstairs with a mask and got my coffee and fed the dogs.  I kept trying to call him, yell for him upstairs, and he didn’t answer.  I started to worry so I went up to our room where he was sleeping soundly.  I was livid.  It really made me feel like crap. 

In true DH fashion he dropped a BS apology dripping in distain and proceeded to tell me I had no reason to be upset.  I went back to my quarantine.  That day happened to be SD19’s birthday.  We have gone NC with her.  Earlier in the week before fake COVID DH and I had talked about what he planned to do for her birthday.  He said he would take her to dinner and get her a gift.  I told him that made me uncomfortable, but he definitely needed to do what he thought was right.  He was supposed to be home with the kids without me as I was supposed to be at my annual girls’ trip.  I told him I thought it might make DD16 uncomfortable too and asked that he be careful with her feelings.  He was annoyed by my feelings and was outright disrespectful and rude.  I decided I had said enough and said nothing else.  On her birthday he forgot, I didn’t remind him because I didn’t know if he had forgot and I didn’t want to start a new argument.  At 9pm he texted me and said he had forgotten to call her on her birthday and I said “you still can.”  I heard him texting someone that wasn’t her and her (he talks to text) and figured it was BM reminding him and likely berating him.

The next day, while I’m still quarantined, at night DH wants me to sit outside while he goes in the hot tub, so we aren’t alone.  We are talking and I ask him about SD19’s birthday and who reminded him.  With the intention of telling him not to beat himself up over it.  He initially says nobody he just remembered.  I know this isn’t true I heard him text someone. Now I’m irritated why lie about something so dumb.  I persist that someone told him I heard him texting.  He gets flaming mad and this leads to him saying.  “you are making me miserable I’m done.” He has said this before it’s a tantrum the last time he said it I made it clear how much that hurts me and told him if he does it again, I will believe him.  I ask him if he really means this or if he’s just upset.  He says he means it and describes how I’m never happy and he can’t do it anymore.  He leaves the house to go drink at a neighbor’s house (yes he was supposed to be quarantined).  I pack his things.

In the morning he comes back livid to find his things packed and says I did this, and he never said anything about being done or leaving me.  Hilarious, I suspect the neighbor told him what a shit he was being especially when I’m quarantined to leave is awful.  Now he wants to take it back because it damages his nice guy image. I get the call that I’m negative and I’m done with quarantine so at least that is good news.

I’m wrecked right now, but I know someday I’ll feel better.  I told DD16 yesterday and she was understandably upset.  That hurt too, I feel like such a failure as a mother.  I just don’t understand how everyone else can work things out and stay together and I can’t…but I can’t anymore.  There is no stability with a person that is treating you like you’re asking too much and constantly leaving you.  There is also so much more…the situation with SD19 was about to blow up, his family (shithead MIL texted me to see if I needed her help, WTF), his drinking and so much more.  I know this is the right choice, but it sucks so bad. He hasn’t even moved out yet and I already miss him.  I’m already grieving the loss of the person I raised my daughter with.  I’m already feeling all of the people cheering that we broke. I’m hating my life right now; I’m trying really hard to find the bright side but I’m not seeing it.  I feel just so sad this is by far the worst break up of my life.  I don’t want it but I know it’s the right thing.


SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

It's been over a year now since I packed my DH's stuff and he left.  To say I stuggled is an understatement.  I cried so many nights alone on my bathroom floor that I thought I might never go back to good.  He created a successful campaign to discredit me, and I lost all of the friends I had made in the last four years.  It was pain heaped on pain.  I was shocked that my friends chose my alcoholic highly dysfunctional probably sociopathic partner over me.  I went down a terrible rabbit hole of believing I was as bad as he said. I questioned if I would ever be ok, I contemplated going back, but in the end...I succeeded in removing a highly dysfunctional person from my life!  No small feat, so yay me!

I'm still not sure how I turned the corner, but it happened one day in February while I was on a plane for work.  The plane hit turbulence and instead of feeling scared I felt relieved.  Relieved at the thought that the plane would crash, and I would no longer feel the horrendous pain.  I got home walked in the door, my father and 16-year-old daughter were there.  It struck me what this moment would have been like for them if I didn't come home.  I started to see things differently.  I started to notice how much I actually had.  I started to recognize that what I had lost (DH and my old friends) was actually toxic to me.  I felt like a parasite had been removed and I could actually be myself and focus on myself without being completely drained. I turned the corner!

My life got exponentially better from that point.  It wasn't easy, I suffered so much loss.  Financially in order to get divorced I have had to pay my parasite hundreds of thousands of dollars.  That hurt, I'm very much a self-made person and also not a wealthy person.  I had carefully saved into a retirement fund and made good real estate choices.  Parasite was "entitled" to all of it, and he took it.  I've lost friends who I cared deeply for.  In the end though my gain was so much more than my loss.

I gained being self-sufficient.  Even after paying parasite, I provide a wonderful life for my daughter and myself.  I gained stability for us both by removing the toxic dysfunction that hurt us both.  I learned being alone isn't scary.  It can be lonely but lonely isn't scary it's just a normal human feeling.  I learned to truly appreciate me and not be so focused on finding the next husband. I gained new and amazing friends who I feel loved and valued by.  They are supportive strong women who I am proud to know.

In the beginning I hit the dating app's hard.  It was an escape, and it was not healthy, but it did help restore my self-esteem.  It helped me realize I wasn't fatally flawed as my parasite had led me to believe.  After I turned the corner in February I stopped the dating app's, I only agreed to dates with men of character, stability, financial independence, and men I found interesting on a sort of cosmic level.  So, there were a lot less dates, lol. I focused on only my daughter and myself and helping us both find peace and healing.  I finally realized I am totally ok and happy even if I don't have a romantic partner.  I don't think I've ever felt that way before.  It's freeing and beautiful and peaceful.

I found a person I adore a few months ago.  Not only is he all of the things I listed above, but he also has good boundaries no past trauma and a functioning family of origin.  He's not perfect, I'm not perfect but it's going really well.  I still put myself and my daughter first.  I notice he adds to my already happy life...he's not the center of it.  I feel grateful for his presence in my life and I love how he never pushes me toward anything I'm uncomfortable with.  I can see a future with this man and it's one filled with peace and love.

I write all of this now because I went back and read my past posts.  It was pretty clear from the beginning I needed to get out of a very bad situation.  It was also clear I was really afraid.  Afraid for my daughter, afraid for myself.  Getting out was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was afraid I was never going to be okay, but I am.  I'm better than okay now.  So if you know you need to get out but you're afraid I'm here to tell will be ridiculously hard, you will be afraid often, you will not recognize the person you've become, there will be loss financial and people you love, but in the end there will be peace.  You can be happy, you can be free of dysfunction and constant pain.  You can care for you!