You are here

The Dreaded “D” Word and How COVID Made Everything Clear

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

The moment I have been trying to avoid for the last three years is here.  My DH and I are getting a Divorce.  Yes, I said it the dreaded “D” word.  I feel extremely sad and I’m worried we won’t go through with it, but it is the right choice.

I had a positive rapid COVID test last week.  Until the 2nd negative PCR (non rapid) test came back myself and my family had to quarantine.  They all came back negative, so I had to quarantine away from them.  Which required someone to provide me with food, water, and whatever I needed from the kitchen or my room.  We made the choice to send SD13 and DD16 to my ex’s house.  SD13’s Mom was “worried she might have it.”  It turns out she was actually worried about missing out on some party time.  She was never even tested, shocker.  For the first two mornings I had the kids bringing me coffee and food and DH had to do only a little.  The first day after the kids were gone, I started calling DH in the morning (I still had to work from home).  He never answered.  After a half hour I just went upstairs with a mask and got my coffee and fed the dogs.  I kept trying to call him, yell for him upstairs, and he didn’t answer.  I started to worry so I went up to our room where he was sleeping soundly.  I was livid.  It really made me feel like crap. 

In true DH fashion he dropped a BS apology dripping in distain and proceeded to tell me I had no reason to be upset.  I went back to my quarantine.  That day happened to be SD19’s birthday.  We have gone NC with her.  Earlier in the week before fake COVID DH and I had talked about what he planned to do for her birthday.  He said he would take her to dinner and get her a gift.  I told him that made me uncomfortable, but he definitely needed to do what he thought was right.  He was supposed to be home with the kids without me as I was supposed to be at my annual girls’ trip.  I told him I thought it might make DD16 uncomfortable too and asked that he be careful with her feelings.  He was annoyed by my feelings and was outright disrespectful and rude.  I decided I had said enough and said nothing else.  On her birthday he forgot, I didn’t remind him because I didn’t know if he had forgot and I didn’t want to start a new argument.  At 9pm he texted me and said he had forgotten to call her on her birthday and I said “you still can.”  I heard him texting someone that wasn’t her and her (he talks to text) and figured it was BM reminding him and likely berating him.

The next day, while I’m still quarantined, at night DH wants me to sit outside while he goes in the hot tub, so we aren’t alone.  We are talking and I ask him about SD19’s birthday and who reminded him.  With the intention of telling him not to beat himself up over it.  He initially says nobody he just remembered.  I know this isn’t true I heard him text someone. Now I’m irritated why lie about something so dumb.  I persist that someone told him I heard him texting.  He gets flaming mad and this leads to him saying.  “you are making me miserable I’m done.” He has said this before it’s a tantrum the last time he said it I made it clear how much that hurts me and told him if he does it again, I will believe him.  I ask him if he really means this or if he’s just upset.  He says he means it and describes how I’m never happy and he can’t do it anymore.  He leaves the house to go drink at a neighbor’s house (yes he was supposed to be quarantined).  I pack his things.

In the morning he comes back livid to find his things packed and says I did this, and he never said anything about being done or leaving me.  Hilarious, I suspect the neighbor told him what a shit he was being especially when I’m quarantined to leave is awful.  Now he wants to take it back because it damages his nice guy image. I get the call that I’m negative and I’m done with quarantine so at least that is good news.

I’m wrecked right now, but I know someday I’ll feel better.  I told DD16 yesterday and she was understandably upset.  That hurt too, I feel like such a failure as a mother.  I just don’t understand how everyone else can work things out and stay together and I can’t…but I can’t anymore.  There is no stability with a person that is treating you like you’re asking too much and constantly leaving you.  There is also so much more…the situation with SD19 was about to blow up, his family (shithead MIL texted me to see if I needed her help, WTF), his drinking and so much more.  I know this is the right choice, but it sucks so bad. He hasn’t even moved out yet and I already miss him.  I’m already grieving the loss of the person I raised my daughter with.  I’m already feeling all of the people cheering that we broke. I’m hating my life right now; I’m trying really hard to find the bright side but I’m not seeing it.  I feel just so sad this is by far the worst break up of my life.  I don’t want it but I know it’s the right thing.

Comments

Gimlet's picture

((hugs))

You have done more to save your marriage than most people would.  Unfortunately, you can't do it alone and that's what you have been doing.

I know this hurts like hell and I am sorry you are going through that.  You are not the issue here, though, OP. 

Your husband has been raised in a wildly dysfunctional family.  He chose a dysfunctional BM and raised dysfunctional kids.  There is also generational trauma in that family, as evidenced by his mother and other family members sweeping abuse under the rug.  As much as SD19 is an unstable and vindictive person and I think you are 100% right to set hard boundaries with her, she probably never had a chance.

Your DH was unable to extricate himself from his family.  Even if he doesn't talk to some of them some of the time, he's still repeating his learned patterns and is still a toxic person.  Going low/no contact isn't the end of the work - it's just the beginning.  Without that work, he's just a toxic family of one.

I know this is really hard to see right now, but you are also gaining from the end of this relationship.  You will no longer have to worry about what toxicity will raise its head and when, or gear yourself up for the battle over it.  You will gain peace, stability, and the ability to breathe again, although you're probably so used to holding your breath you don't even realize you are doing it.

Allow yourself to grieve.  It's healthy and natural.  Some of that grief will be over the actual loss, and some will be over the loss of what could have been, and you will have time to sort out both. 

Please get yourself and your DD some counseling.  It's critical that she have support to make sure she makes her way into the world as a healthy adult.  I would also keep an eye on her contact with your husband and his family.  I am not saying to alienate her, or prevent contact, but you know they are poison and you will need to make sure she has a place to talk through that, both with her counselor and with you.

Again, feel free to PM me anytime.  You WILL get through this.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Thank you so much.  I needed this response.  I'm so beat up and so sad right now.  I know it's the right choice but it still sucks and it's still hard.  I'm looking forward to peace Smile

futurobrillante99's picture

I understand how you feel. It was really embarrassing to divorce for the 2nd time. I chose my 2nd husband VERY poorly. My man picker was broken. Not 100% sure it's fixed.

My 2nd marriage failing was FAR more painful than the first. My first marriage lasted 26 years and was dying for the last 7. My 2nd marriage didn't last 2 years. My 2nd husband was abusive: covert narcissist.

The hell of breaking free, mentally, from his abuse was like nothing I've ever experienced.

It will be hard. It will feel embarrassing, admitting failure.

You can only try so hard. If the person you're with is not willing to try...........you can't force them.

Once you're free, PLEASE take a lot of time to be on your own.

That was my plan but I met someone. I wasn't ready. I love the man I'm with, but he's pretty moody. He's not abusive, but does become distant at the drop of a hat. It's making me stronger because I know it's not me. I'm not the cause. He has his own issues (widower). I think things trigger him and he gets sullen. I don't think he was a BAD husband, but I am sure he could have done better by his late wife. That affects us because I think he feels guilty when he does better by me. I almost think he holds back on many things because he feels bad he didn't do them for her. That's his issue - not mine. So, I go do my own thing until he decides to snap out of his malaise.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Thank you that is brilliant advice.  Obviously my man picker is broken as well.  I think it will take me some time to find myself again and remember who I am and what I want.  I'm going to keep reminding myself not to jump into another relationship with anyone...no matter how perfect they seem!!!