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Graduation party and the evil spider eyes

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

It is in moments like this that I’m left scratching my head over BM, aka spider eyes, behavior. 

A little background MIL was likely aware (she had to be because she knew too much) FIL was sexually abusing my SD’s and several other children.  Spider eyes was completely on board when SD18’s counsellor recommended no contact with MIL.  Spider eyes even sent many text messages outlining why she believed MIL knew about the abuse and why she didn’t want SD’s to see MIL.  MIL blamed me for the estrangement and verbally attacked me in a meeting with the counsellor.  I was so hurt by this but in my mind it further proved MIL’s knowledge of the abuse.  DH’s family all backed MIL and blamed me for the estrangement.  He has essentially lost his family and they will vocally state that it is my fault.

Fast forward to present day… DH’s cousin’s son, who he was really close with, has his high school graduation party.  DH’s cousin invited both DH and me (she is the first in DH’s family to include me in any family event in over 2 years, DH still gets invited, but I don’t, and most make it clear they don’t want me to come).  DH’s cousin has also come to events we’ve had while the rest of the family has not.  She is trying to be kind.  She also invited the entire family, MIL, SD18, SD’s BM…so this is not an event I could attend without making everyone uncomfortable.  Especially since DD15 and I are currently NC with MIL and SD18.  So, we sent a card and avoided it.

Spider eyes goes to the party (of course she does because she is so thirsty to be a part of DH’s dysfunctional family) and posts a ton of pictures with DH’s family captioning them with things like “I love my family.”  WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F$%& is wrong with this women? I cannot think of a reason that she would want a relationship with MIL except to get to DH or me.  Espcially when she goes out of her way to post pictures of it.  It is just so gross to have a relationship with the women that had a large responsibility in the abuse of your children.  DH has tried to confront spider eyes with this before and she gives a load of BS about forgiveness and because SD18 has chosen the relationship with MIL she feels it’s ok for her to.  Again, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F$%& is wrong with this women?  Her need to get at me or DH overrides her need to protect her children.  Spider eyes has said she will help SD13 have a relationship with MIL too against DH’s wishes.  He currently doesn’t want SD13 to have a relationship with MIL, but he also feels like if he digs in on this SD13 will be angry and push him away.  DH feels like he lost a relationship with SD18 and he is really scared of losing SD13 too.  I think it is a valid feeling, spider eyes has been poisoning both kids against DH and I for 10 plus years.  Now add MIL and SD18 poisoning SD13 and DH and we don’t really stand a chance, do we? 

I’m so torn because I think it will hit some of my biggest insecurities about my relationship with DH.  That he can go back to his family and everything can be okay if he just doesn’t have me.  It really hurts that MIL and spider eyes can have a relationship with DH’s family after both doing terrible things, but I can’t.  I’m somehow worse in their eyes than MIL (who allowed sexual abuse of at least a dozen kids to go on in her home) and spider eyes who cheated on DH, left him for another guy (who ended up in prison), who has neglected her children and shown them some terrible behavior (bringing dozens of men home drunk while the kids are there since they were 9 and 4 and much more).

I just want peace and I want people in my life who are grateful for my presence.  It all makes me feel like there is something wrong with me being me.  I know in life not everyone will like me and I’m okay with that but I’m not ok with people villainizing me.  SD18 and spider eyes have for many years said terrible and untrue things about me.  Now MIL and the rest of the family believe these lies and join in.  I don’t know how to feel ok about this and there definitely is no way to fix it.  It made me sick to my stomach when I saw spider eyes there with DH’s family when he can’t be there.  I know this is a disgusting behavior on the part of spider eyes I know we are really better off without IL’s but I also know this is killing my DH.  I truly believe he wants a relationship with his family (even though he says he doesn't), and I feel that I’m the thing that keeps him from it. 

I’m really considering ending my marriage.  DH’s recent bad behavior (read last blog about SD13 being a brat), his lack of support for me,  and the feeling that I’m getting in the way of DH’s relationship with his dysfunctional family is pushing me out the door.  Logically, I think the only way DH could have peace with his family is for him to accept MIL’s behavior and accept that spider eyes will always be at his family events.  I can’t imagine he can ever have a relationship with anyone other than spider eyes and comfortably be around his family.  It’s all so nuts, his family backing spider eyes and even worse backing MIL they are next level F’d up!  I’m pretty sure SD13 will end up back in the fold and then DH will have truly lost everything, and I don’t know how that is really going to go, will I be scapegoated for this too? The thing is when it’s just DH, DD15 and me everything is fine.  There is no conflict, no bad behavior, we get along great and I am happy and enjoying my life with DH.  It’s everything I’ve ever wanted when we don’t add his dysfunction soup…but there is no way to avoid the dysfunction.  I’m trying to accept and be at peace with the fact that it is time to get out…even though this is not at all what I want. 

Comments

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) doll.  I can feel how much pain this causes you and I'm sorry.

I don't think I could continue to live like this.  I think you are correct that your DH still craves a relationship with him family, which shows his dysfunction.  When you are part of a family like this, it's very hard to get out because the dysfunction is part of you too.  You are part of the family system and you have your role.  

That's why they scapegoated you, OP, because they also still want your husband to come back and play his part and since they blamed you, he can slide right back in because after all, it was your fault. 

You say you are NC with MIL and SD, but it sounds like your husband is not.  With a family like this, you can't do things in half measures.  He would have to set his own clear boundaries and he would have to OWN them, and he hasn't.  He had allowed that burden (and resulting fallout) to land squarely on your shoulders.  He's not ready to cut those ties and he's showing you that.

We've talked so much about your feelings of safety and about how important safety (psychological safety as well as physical safety) is and your DH isn't helping to keep you or DD safe.  He is actually introducing chaos into your lives because he cannot set the boundaries he needs to set.  It should not matter what the rest of the family is doing, but look how fast you get dragged right back into the mess because he isn't letting go.

I know you don't want to hear this but I don't see things changing for you.  It's going to be scapegoating all the way down, especially when SD13 decides to stay engaged. 

You and your daughter deserve better.  You deserve a safe, peaceful life.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I'm so so sorry for all the pain :(  Being blamed for antyhing you dind't do is awful.  I'm glad cousin is trying to be nice, but i think you're right.  SOMETHING needs to change for both the happiness of you and your daughter. idk if that's leaving the marriage or your DH getting his head out of his a$$.  But there really does need to be something to stop the chaos.

Spouses should protect each other, and he just simply isn't.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Spouses should protect each other and he isn't!  I just keep wishing he could get his head out of his a$$ I keep thinking it will happen and waiting for it...but ugh!

lieutenant_dad's picture

I have hugs and empathy for you! This is not a fun situation to live through, and I wouldn't blame you if you felt like you needed to leave (or if you decided to stay).

This reminds me of C'Tucky (my stepsister) and my SF's family and XW.

C'Tucky neglected her kids and allowed an XBF to allegedly sexually abuse one of girls. C'Tucky goes to jail, loses her rights, and her BM (my SF's XW) adopts the kids. C'Tucky hasn't done a single thing to turn her life around (she's more stable now, but she's destroying 3 SKs' lives now).

Since my SF's XW is a GUBM like none other (disowned my SBro because he's successful, not even joking), she kept the kids from my SF, even though he had been close to them prior to C'Tucky ruining everything. To say my SF was crushed to lose his grandkids (and his daughter, really) is an understatement.

Now, you'd THINK SF's family would see all this and cut out C'Tucky and XW. NOPE! They blame my SF for being "too harsh" on C'Tucky. Well, they blame him until C'Tucky steals from them, lies about her situation, manipulates money/services out of them, etc. Yet, after 6 months, everyone is back to loving C'Tucky and blaming SF for his own strained relationship versus blaming 35-year-old C'Tucky.

This has been going on for over a decade now (almost two), and I don't see it ever changing. The only way I got away from it was to cut it all out and cut them all off. That's the only SANE reaction that I've found. You're assessment that your DH would probably like a better relationship with his family isn't wrong. He grew up in the dysfunction, and that probably feels very comfortable to him. He probably also thinks he needs to be involved to protect his kids since no one seems to think that molesting kids is that big of a deal (which just angers me to no end).

The only person you can control is yourself. That also means you can't blame yourself for how others see the situation or view you. You are objectively doing the right thing. Everyone else is bonkers. Don't make yourself feel worse because you don't work in the dysfunction.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

like it's no big deal that kids were molested is the craziest part...seriously who does this!  Thanks for you thoughts and sharing your story it really does help me.  It is a good reminder that I shouldn't feel bad for not fitting in to this dysfunction.  I wish my husband could support that thought it would make all the difference in my marriage. Sad

tog redux's picture

You aren't the problem here, you have stumbled into a viper's nest. They all support each other's toxicity, making you the scapegoat, but I promise, you are NOT the problem. If you can't make peace with dealing with them, and I can't blame you there - then it's time to go, and DH can choose whether he'd rather be in good graces with this coven, or be with you.  Be in good graces, that is, as long as he does whatever they want, and never dates or marries ever again.

Start your healing with putting the blame where it lies - on THEM.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

I need to stop accepting the blame for any of this...maybe I need to be more vocal about this as well.  I have stumbled into a situation that I never could have anticipated would be this hard or this dysfunctional.  DH has to get his head out of his a$$ and choose to walk away (totally) from this dysfunction or there will be no peace...and if he can't then sadly I have to walk away I need to start healing.  Thanks for the thoughts it is helpful.

Thumper's picture

Generational legacies like your inlaws need just 1 hero who is willing to  change the futures course.

Was your dh abused?

I would block their facebook and social media AND I would never ever look at their faces again.

That is just me.