Are you thinking of getting out? You can...life is good on the other side
It's been over a year now since I packed my DH's stuff and he left. To say I stuggled is an understatement. I cried so many nights alone on my bathroom floor that I thought I might never go back to good. He created a successful campaign to discredit me, and I lost all of the friends I had made in the last four years. It was pain heaped on pain. I was shocked that my friends chose my alcoholic highly dysfunctional probably sociopathic partner over me. I went down a terrible rabbit hole of believing I was as bad as he said. I questioned if I would ever be ok, I contemplated going back, but in the end...I succeeded in removing a highly dysfunctional person from my life! No small feat, so yay me!
I'm still not sure how I turned the corner, but it happened one day in February while I was on a plane for work. The plane hit turbulence and instead of feeling scared I felt relieved. Relieved at the thought that the plane would crash, and I would no longer feel the horrendous pain. I got home walked in the door, my father and 16-year-old daughter were there. It struck me what this moment would have been like for them if I didn't come home. I started to see things differently. I started to notice how much I actually had. I started to recognize that what I had lost (DH and my old friends) was actually toxic to me. I felt like a parasite had been removed and I could actually be myself and focus on myself without being completely drained. I turned the corner!
My life got exponentially better from that point. It wasn't easy, I suffered so much loss. Financially in order to get divorced I have had to pay my parasite hundreds of thousands of dollars. That hurt, I'm very much a self-made person and also not a wealthy person. I had carefully saved into a retirement fund and made good real estate choices. Parasite was "entitled" to all of it, and he took it. I've lost friends who I cared deeply for. In the end though my gain was so much more than my loss.
I gained being self-sufficient. Even after paying parasite, I provide a wonderful life for my daughter and myself. I gained stability for us both by removing the toxic dysfunction that hurt us both. I learned being alone isn't scary. It can be lonely but lonely isn't scary it's just a normal human feeling. I learned to truly appreciate me and not be so focused on finding the next husband. I gained new and amazing friends who I feel loved and valued by. They are supportive strong women who I am proud to know.
In the beginning I hit the dating app's hard. It was an escape, and it was not healthy, but it did help restore my self-esteem. It helped me realize I wasn't fatally flawed as my parasite had led me to believe. After I turned the corner in February I stopped the dating app's, I only agreed to dates with men of character, stability, financial independence, and men I found interesting on a sort of cosmic level. So, there were a lot less dates, lol. I focused on only my daughter and myself and helping us both find peace and healing. I finally realized I am totally ok and happy even if I don't have a romantic partner. I don't think I've ever felt that way before. It's freeing and beautiful and peaceful.
I found a person I adore a few months ago. Not only is he all of the things I listed above, but he also has good boundaries no past trauma and a functioning family of origin. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect but it's going really well. I still put myself and my daughter first. I notice he adds to my already happy life...he's not the center of it. I feel grateful for his presence in my life and I love how he never pushes me toward anything I'm uncomfortable with. I can see a future with this man and it's one filled with peace and love.
I write all of this now because I went back and read my past posts. It was pretty clear from the beginning I needed to get out of a very bad situation. It was also clear I was really afraid. Afraid for my daughter, afraid for myself. Getting out was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was afraid I was never going to be okay, but I am. I'm better than okay now. So if you know you need to get out but you're afraid I'm here to tell you...it will be ridiculously hard, you will be afraid often, you will not recognize the person you've become, there will be loss financial and people you love, but in the end there will be peace. You can be happy, you can be free of dysfunction and constant pain. You can care for you!