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Are you thinking of getting out? You is good on the other side

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

It's been over a year now since I packed my DH's stuff and he left.  To say I stuggled is an understatement.  I cried so many nights alone on my bathroom floor that I thought I might never go back to good.  He created a successful campaign to discredit me, and I lost all of the friends I had made in the last four years.  It was pain heaped on pain.  I was shocked that my friends chose my alcoholic highly dysfunctional probably sociopathic partner over me.  I went down a terrible rabbit hole of believing I was as bad as he said. I questioned if I would ever be ok, I contemplated going back, but in the end...I succeeded in removing a highly dysfunctional person from my life!  No small feat, so yay me!

I'm still not sure how I turned the corner, but it happened one day in February while I was on a plane for work.  The plane hit turbulence and instead of feeling scared I felt relieved.  Relieved at the thought that the plane would crash, and I would no longer feel the horrendous pain.  I got home walked in the door, my father and 16-year-old daughter were there.  It struck me what this moment would have been like for them if I didn't come home.  I started to see things differently.  I started to notice how much I actually had.  I started to recognize that what I had lost (DH and my old friends) was actually toxic to me.  I felt like a parasite had been removed and I could actually be myself and focus on myself without being completely drained. I turned the corner!

My life got exponentially better from that point.  It wasn't easy, I suffered so much loss.  Financially in order to get divorced I have had to pay my parasite hundreds of thousands of dollars.  That hurt, I'm very much a self-made person and also not a wealthy person.  I had carefully saved into a retirement fund and made good real estate choices.  Parasite was "entitled" to all of it, and he took it.  I've lost friends who I cared deeply for.  In the end though my gain was so much more than my loss.

I gained being self-sufficient.  Even after paying parasite, I provide a wonderful life for my daughter and myself.  I gained stability for us both by removing the toxic dysfunction that hurt us both.  I learned being alone isn't scary.  It can be lonely but lonely isn't scary it's just a normal human feeling.  I learned to truly appreciate me and not be so focused on finding the next husband. I gained new and amazing friends who I feel loved and valued by.  They are supportive strong women who I am proud to know.

In the beginning I hit the dating app's hard.  It was an escape, and it was not healthy, but it did help restore my self-esteem.  It helped me realize I wasn't fatally flawed as my parasite had led me to believe.  After I turned the corner in February I stopped the dating app's, I only agreed to dates with men of character, stability, financial independence, and men I found interesting on a sort of cosmic level.  So, there were a lot less dates, lol. I focused on only my daughter and myself and helping us both find peace and healing.  I finally realized I am totally ok and happy even if I don't have a romantic partner.  I don't think I've ever felt that way before.  It's freeing and beautiful and peaceful.

I found a person I adore a few months ago.  Not only is he all of the things I listed above, but he also has good boundaries no past trauma and a functioning family of origin.  He's not perfect, I'm not perfect but it's going really well.  I still put myself and my daughter first.  I notice he adds to my already happy life...he's not the center of it.  I feel grateful for his presence in my life and I love how he never pushes me toward anything I'm uncomfortable with.  I can see a future with this man and it's one filled with peace and love.

I write all of this now because I went back and read my past posts.  It was pretty clear from the beginning I needed to get out of a very bad situation.  It was also clear I was really afraid.  Afraid for my daughter, afraid for myself.  Getting out was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I was afraid I was never going to be okay, but I am.  I'm better than okay now.  So if you know you need to get out but you're afraid I'm here to tell will be ridiculously hard, you will be afraid often, you will not recognize the person you've become, there will be loss financial and people you love, but in the end there will be peace.  You can be happy, you can be free of dysfunction and constant pain.  You can care for you!


SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

Also, in case you were wondering.  Ex parasite has wracked up $70,000 in debt in the last year (which he will now pay off with my money), gotten at least two STI's, got at least one DUI  and shuffled though many women and 2 facebook official relationships.

SD20 had a baby two weeks ago 15 weeks premature.  The baby is in the NICU fighting for it's life and SD20 has been sighted out at the bar at least 3-4 times since the birth.  Child protective services is invovled because the child and SD20 both had methamphetamines in their systems at the time of birth.  My heart weeps for that sweet suffering baby.

SD14 has created a very provocative and sexually natured tic tok page.  She is seen on the page vaping who knows what nearly every day.  She remains a good student, but has been left alone as many as 7 days at my ex's house while he was "partying".  I let her set the tone for how often we speak or see each other but it isn't often and it is a very surface relationship.  She told me a few weeks ago she heard some very bad things about me from her dad and it makes it hard.

My 17-year-old has done lots of healing and has suffered.  She has chosen to go no contact with ex parasite after an incident of him being heavily intoxicated in front of her.  I support this decision and am glad for it.  She has applied to several really prestigous universities and has already been accepted to two.  I feel she has been through a lot but is doing very well.

advice.only2's picture

I'm really happy to read this and congratulations on breaking free and finding your happiness!  

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Congratulations on being brave and creating a beautiful new life!

Elea's picture

You are fortunate you didn't share children with the parasite because then you would be tied to that nightmare for many years to come. He sounds like my ex but we share children. 

Persephone_'s picture

You are an inspiration, so glad you are able to be at peace with leaving. I'm contemplating too but so afraid of the blow out.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You go girl. Live your life for you and the ones you love.

Life can be incredible when toxic no longer looms around you. I am also a survivor like you. Cheers to an even better 2022.



CLove's picture

I love this post and went back and read your others. That is so wonderful youve got your life back and you and DD are healing together. A nightmare of a divorce, however. Keep us posted if appropriate - we are all admiring your bravery during the divorce.

No one likes being trash talked and SD22 has already done her damage.

SKIDSarekillingme2's picture

This has been a really difficult journey and I still read my old posts to remind myself how far I've come.  I'm so grateful that I got out, I truly believe in one way or another that relationship would have taken my life.  Either through a stress related illness or at the hands of my abuser.  This site was particularly helpful because the people here have experience and insight.  My circle of true friends did not have any experience with the kind of dysfunction I was dealing with.  The comments on my posts were full of helpful pearls of wisdom and helped me see what was actually happening.  I am grateful for this community.  Thank you all!