All of these leftover feelings
Going NC with BPD SD18 has brought a lot of peace to my life and I know it was the right choice. Going NC with toxic IL’s has brought me peace as well and I know it was the right choice. I just have all of these leftover feelings.
I’m back to seeing my therapist and working through these things, but they feel heavy to me. It’s like I’m still carrying the weight of the hard times with SD18 and MIL. I’m also still grieving the loss of both of them. I think it gets especially bad when SD13 goes to BM’s house and has contact with SD18. I see her on social media happily hanging out with SD18 and toxic MIL is able to comment because SD18 is tagged. I know I shouldn’t look at it but ugh that isn’t easy.
My marriage is in a rough spot right now too and I find myself wondering if I walked away from this toxic soup would I forever carry these feelings, or would they go away. Could it just be a short term hurt that leads to peace? It’s weighing heavily on me. It feels like I’ve gotten to the point where it is hard to justify the relationship because the bad has outweighed the good for an awful long time now. I used to feel safe in the relationship with DH which made the other hurts possible to survive…but now I don’t. I no longer trust that he loves and cares for me. Maybe it’s an over-reaction to what he said recently but it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m also worried about D15. She is struggling with the same leftover feelings right now too. I’ve tried to encourage her to see a therapist for years and she has always been vehemently against it (based on SD18’s experience she’s convinced therapy doesn’t work). This week while she is at her Dad’s her boyfriend broke up with her. She has been really sad, and she asked to see a therapist. He first appointment (or really just a parental appointment) is tomorrow. She said that she thinks she’s been upset about the breakup but more upset about the loss of SD18 and MIL. She expressed some really deep feelings about people leaving her life. I totally understand those feelings I’m carrying them too. I also feel so guilty for ever putting her in this position. She’s such an impressive young woman, she excels academically, in sports and she is a kind person who is a great friend….I’m so proud of her. I really can’t imagine what she could have been capable of if she never had to deal with the toxic soup of my DH’s family. My poor baby I just want to wrap her up and take her away from it all.
Carrying a lot today…It’s heavy
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Comments
I think if you genuinely feel
I think if you genuinely feel that there is more bad than good - it's time to start making an exit plan.
Yep
That is the hard truth...it's been bad for far too long
You married your DH
Not his kids. His kids should not mean anything to you. Like a friends kids. Unfortunately you let SD into your life when she did not want to be in your life. She wants to be the queen, just sit there and get waited on. To look good to go out.
Or you can buy her. Buy her a phone, car, ect.
I wish it were that simple
for me I could not live with children for 10 years and have no feelings for them. It's just not possible for me. I couldn't do that with a roomate or friend. I am married to him but his kids were always a part of the package just like my D is part of the package with me.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through
I do love that yours is a story of triumph. I have not been good at looking out for myself. It's been a terrible pattern that took a long time to recognize. Now that I see it, it's making it hard to see this realtionship with DH as good for me.
I blame a lot of the bad on the last three years (we found out DH's Dad, now deceased molested his children) of crap but now that a lot of that has settled and good boundaries have been established with toxic peopel; I'm noticing the problems with DH and I. I've started strongly sticking up for myself and it has caused constant conflict with DH. I'm now done with the conflict. The ball is in DH's court and I'm not feeling really confident he's going to come through in the way I need him too. For the first time I'm at peace with that and I'm working out a back up plan in case we split. I just know it's going to be a long road to peace...but really am I even on the road right now??? Rough!
Trauma does fade over time,
Trauma does fade over time, as long as the conflict stops. It sounds like you are exposed to a lot of triggers. You should block MIL, SD18, and SD13 on Facebook.
Lightbulb moments are not over-reactions. Your H has been mistreating you for a long time. See what happens if you put up stronger boundaries. Your financial contribution should be equitable. Be specific. If he can't agree to that, you have your answer.
I reached a lightbulb moment in my life last October. Despite my love for DH, I was ready to remove him from my life if he didn't get SD away from me, permanently. He has custody, so he was required to move out. His saving grace was that he went quietly and without drama. We will stay married and live separately until SD moves out.
Your H should cooperate with fair and rational decisions, and your feelings should matter to him.
My situation is similar, but
My situation is similar, but other than BM, I have not yet have to fully cut anyone off...I just spend minimal time with SS14, MIL, and BIL. In reality, their toxic energy is mostly directed at DH, so maybe that makes it easier for me to avoid rather than cutting them off.
Trauma is complicated. If you're a good person, you likely feel bad that you had to take such an extreme measure.
Also, when you marry a person, you do in many ways marry their family. That doesn't mean that you have to feel the same way about them, but that does mean that they can have either a good or bad influence on your marriage. If you and your DH are not on the same page, then maybe the two of you should consider going to counseling together.
Finally, be kind to yourself. You didn't create this dysfunction and it's not your responsibility to fix it. Also, this family likely doesn't even realize how dysfunctional or toxic they are and for some of them, their toxic behavior gets them what they want. The only thing you are responsible for is protecting yourself.
My dd15 is seeing a therapist now
I've blogged about it here these past few months. Things were looking pretty down in January and February. I see a remarkable improvement in her life and attitude as we are approaching June.
I was in a slightly similar
I was in a slightly similar position to you before I applied for a divorce. I now recognise I was going through a grieving process hindered also by feelings about my ex in laws and ex step children.
I am obviously grieving for the ‘marriage I wanted never happened’ but I am probably a little bit shell shocked, because up to that point in my life I have never experienced such a massive bunch of backstabbing people all in one place! They did it to me, and backstabbed each other. Think J R Ewing style backstabbing it was like that.
It is also very difficult for people to feel like others gave so much control over what happens in their life.
I have obviously had disagreements with people over the course of my life, but the majority of the time I or they, felt we discuss things and move on.
I am now in my fourties and am too tired for drama in my life!
You will feel better, I just hope you end up with the life you want.
I carry a lot, too. I wish
I carry a lot, too. I wish that it was easy to make all of it go away. I have been through some traumatic experiences due to my SO and SD9 and all of the awful crap that they come with. If you no longer feel safe in your relationship then it's probably time to move on. I don't believe that the feelings will stay with you. They will fade over time and you will heal, eventually. I hope you feel better soon. It's never fun carrying so much weight in your heart like that. Sending positive vibes your way!
Do you ever daydream of how
Do you ever daydream of how grand life would be without this ball and chain? Happiness and financial wise? Just you and your daughter? Because this "DH" of yours sounds like a royal, gold-digging douchebag.
I do sometimes
and in those moments of clarity I do think it will bring me peace. I'm not sure what's keeping me here right now, it certainly isn't logical, but I'm still not ready to go. I hope he isn't the gold-digging douchebag he is presenting as right now. I'm hoping for change but I'm not optomistic and I'm definately protecting myself and sticking up for myself now. If that doesn't go well then I have my answer.
Have you read about financial
Have you read about financial abuse? It's a thing - a form of abuse. It can go both ways too. It can be withholding or it can be like your case of DH downright expecting your financial help, to avoid him throwing a temper tantrum.
I'm sorry you're going through this, especially in times like we are all experiencing currently.