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Moving forward

Sita Tara's picture

Hey there from a former SM.

It's official and now I am taking over "evil BM" status for the OW I suppose. I'm sure she's heard how awful and dysfunctional I am, how it's all my fault that he had to walk out on me for her. Etc etc etc. I know.

Because to a degree I heard the same tale- with the exception that they were already divorced when we started dating.

D is final. Up all nite with a dog with bloody diarrhea the nite before court. Seriously looked up at the heavens and pictured God laughing for some reason. I think I had a few choice words with Him at that point. Like I couldn't even get a good night's sleep and not have to go to court leaving my dog behind to hemorrhage out on the kitchen floor.

She survived. We both did. And perhaps being utterly exhausted helped me feel nothing but fatigue and detachment at the hearing.

It's been a long couple of years peeling off the toxic.

I moved out of our home 2 weeks later, and the night I was officially out he grabbed BD5 and MOW and headed right back over to start prepping to move MOW in. At least I assume that's the plan since BD5 gives me a constant and (believe me) unsolicited play by play of life with MOW.

MOW bathes her, MOW braids her hair and sends her back to me.

At first it bothered me but to tell you the truth in a weird way it's surreal to hear from BD5 that he does the same things with MOW he did with me- like the tour of the house which in some ways is better -no more crazy white walls/navy sponge painting or layer upon layer of tacky boarders- oh the bottles of DIF and gray primer I rolled- gallons of paint and still saw those damn Rorschack blot like splotches peeking thru. And in many ways is worse from his lack of upkeep like the Sanford and Son pile of trash -old basketball hoop, old fire pit, bales of hay from the last Halloween we spent together- that he would just toss behind the house rather than haul away when I asked. The fence rotted to the degree that my SD kicked parts of it down during one fight they had with each other. Maybe he says the same things I'm sure, of how with her amazing style it will be a better more beautiful than I ever made it...just like he told me about BM. He has her taking over the parenting of his daughter during his time, just like he did me with SD 16 (9 when we met.)

It seems to me now...


How I know him enough to know that he's only as sincere as he is infatuated and that his patterns prevail -he treats me the same way he treated BM when he met me. He treats MOW the same way he treated me when he met me. And for the life of me I'll never get why he doesn't ever seem to want to rid himself of the house that has already killed two of his families- and start FRESH somewhere new. Why does he bring the next person in to re-do it and keep all that bad Karma around? Why are women and children expendable and this house...this crappy built Lemmon of a house (seriously-that's the name of the builders) so important?

He accidentally sent me a text today that was intended for MOW- nothing very significant but I was struck by how it contained similar phrases etc to how he wrote me.

Same things different women.


My GYN skin cancer I was diagnosed with the fall he cheated continues to plague me. Not enough to treat yet, at least as of the last follow up. I had to cancel the last one because he changed jobs 10 days before the D was final and didn't tell me til I figured it out by things he was doing. I'm on COBRA til I find something better and am calling this week to reschedule my follow up.

Otherwise I am doing very well- still stumbling still angry at him for shattering my life and not giving a damn about me at all after I did.

But it is what it is. He isn't capable of remorse or showing he is accountable.

And well...


He just isn't. I'm no longer in need of that kind of validation. He will never ever give it and at least I do have the ability to know and understand that unlike BM...who is still waiting for it I think, tho I hear she is very happy that he did this to me, so perhaps that's her "validation" that confirms for her he only really ever loved her.

And you know...she may be right about that after all. He certainly never really truly loved me.

As far as work/career, I am still considering Paralegal certification, after hearing from another actress I know who actually is doing it locally. I am also in the running to be a part time arts admin for a new art center in my hometown. I have some time while on spousal to fine tune my grant skills and perhaps find and justify the money to hire me full time.

I am moved into a lovely townhome- tons of space, all brand new everything- even bathrooms and kitchen cupboards- carpet, tile all around gutted and finished just in time for me.. I don't know that I've ever had this nice a place before.

I am also honored to have a lead in a new play about 9/11 being performed in my arts district as part of a huge grant project commemorating the 10th anniversary. Just heard from the director. I'm playing a part added for this performance -the author of the book it's based on.

My kids...


My sons are amazing we are so close again. I am realizing now how much I put them to the side in order to try to help Ex with his daughter and their relationship. How much we were all walking on eggshells to avoid his angry outbursts. How far back such outbursts were now that I think about it. I remember the first time I wondered if I should move back out actually...oh wait- the second time. The first was when he came home from work and announced he had quit a job without discussing it with me first- and I didn't make enough to pay both our mortgages.

The SECOND time...

He came home from work on his b-day and the kids had made him cards and signed a baseball for him, and I had ordered pizza and we were going to watch a movie I bought him- Rudy...or Radio... some other kind of sports movie he loved. And my SD made him mad. And he exploded and screamed at all the kids about ruining his b-day.

He took off in the car for a while- peeled out.

I look back now and I can't believe I didn't run for it then-it foreshadowed the way my kids and myself tip toed around his moods- always someone else's fault- usually BM and SD.

So now I'm sure it's me.

I recall how he used to brag about how fighting with BM helped him not fight with me.

And now I know what that's called thanks to therapy.

Triangulation-taking your feelings out on some 3rd party to not show any negativity to your significant other.

A coping skill for sure.
But a really dysfunctional one.

Not sure how long I'll leave this post up. I have a feeling he's no longer reading. But not for sure. And he's been difficult enough texting a ton etc, that I don't want to stir the pot on here. But just wanted to check in and say hi. I'm getting there and have a feeling I'm going to be so much happier here than I've been in about 7 years.

Life is not as stable for myself and my kids as I'd like it to be yet, but I have so much more going for me- so much more healthy relationships in my life. It's been an amazing transformation.

PS- About that first line...I may no longer be a wife...but I feel like now that I'm out of this...I will always be a SM. I still love my SD. I still miss her a bit. And no longer blame her at all for any of it. She was just a kid amongst all of us adults. I can see how and why in the heat of it we all feel like it's the kid. But...

It was the man in my case for sure. And I hope as she moves on since moving in with others in the family...

that she finally feels the love and validation that will allow her to transcend all of this. She never felt it from me, no matter how much it was there. Maybe now she'll find it. Hope so.


arjuna79's picture

Sita, how wonderful to hear from you. Thank you for updating us. The calmness and groundedness that prevails thru your words is a blessed exhale along this journey. Health and best of wishes to you as you continue your brave way forward.

Most Evil's picture

Hi honey - glad to see you are ok!!! don't worry about that schmuck, karma will get him and her too. God has other, better plans for you!! HUGS Smile

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks everyone. It's been a hell of a ride but I'm getting there. Overall my relationships with everyone I know seem to be better-even new friendships and relationships are more healthy, positive, etc. I successfully weeded out a new toxic friend by setting healthy boundaries with her- then she imploded and ended the friendship. It still hurt but I realized that the way she was treating me, it was for the best for me and DD5 (even tho DD5 was very sad b/c this was a young single mom with a 5 year old DD and they had become friends.) It's hard when standing tall and walking with integrity causes someone to walk because they figure out they can't manipulate you...But it is a necessary growing pain. Let's hope I start to attract healthy /weed out unhealthy men this round of singlehood too. Wink