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FSS17 bullying my BD5

Lillysmom's picture

I need some serious help! My FSS17 is constantly antagonizing my BD5 every chance he gets. When I call him out on it, he hollers hows it's not fair that she always gets her way and goes stomping to his room or slams the door on his way out. All the while cussing at me and acting as though he gets nothing! My FDH backs his BS when he acts like this because his BS is the youngest of his 2 and has always been handed EVERYTHING. So when me and my BD5 came along we 'took away' from his BS17 spending and extra curricular activities, i.e.- $500 trips to the mall whenever he wanted, brand name EVERYTHING. Trips to atlantic city, new guns for hunting, etc. etc. the list goes on. I feel that I HAVE to protect my BD5 who really doesn't do much to antagonize and stand up for her. She is being bullied by a 17 year old!!!!!! In turn, i get my a** reamed for what FDH does for me and my BD and his BS17 has taken a back seat. I understand his BS frustration, but my BD didn't ask for what has been done for her. We are only 9 months into this relationship, 5 months seriously, and live together. I feel like I can't plan an escape route because I made a huge move to be here and my BD5 just started her kindergarten year here and I do not want to yank her out of school. PLEASE help! :?

Anon2009's picture

I know this sounds harsh but I think you need to pack up your things, take BD and go. I think she might really resent you later if you don't.

What exactly does he do to bully her? If its physical and/or verbally abusive, call the cops on him the next time he does this. I feel for you and BD and hope everything turns out ok.

Lillysmom's picture

Sad It's not physical, it's actually VERY childish. for example. we have a swing outside, it's one of those strap yourself in little tykes swings we have hanging from the tree. She LOVES the swing. So if she is inside watching TV or something he'll holler, 'I'm goin outside to swing', just to aggravate her and get a rise out of her. Or if she is watching TV in the living room (both kids have a tv in their room and he RARELY watches downstairs) he will run into the living room and say 'I'm gonna change the channel'. Or is they are outside and she has to potty, he will run in before her and block her from going into the bathroom. Then when she finally gets fed up and she comes to tell me, he throws his tantrum and FDH almost 90% of the time takes his BS side. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I want to defend my child while he wants to defend his. Unfortunately I have put myself in a very sticky situation. I have NOWHERE to go. So I cannot just pack up and go.... Sad

alwaysanxious's picture

What a child! He is ridiculous teasing a little kid and acting like one himself.

As far as him cussing at you in YOUR home, stand up for yourself. No one does that to you in your own home.

Mindygirl1's picture

It does not have to be physical to be abuse... You need to be very careful here. This is a very serious situation. This 17 year old is very jealous. This could escalate to something you don't even want to think about. Don't fool yourself and try to justify this. The FACT that your boyfriend defends the almost adult 17 year old child is EVEN MORE DISTURBING. He should be defending the 5 year old - regardless if it is his child or not. A 5 year old up against a 17 year old has no chance. I would have a long talk with the boyfriend. If his stand is still you are being ridiculous...I hope you have enough sense to protect your child and get moving....

Disneyfan's picture

I have to agree, you need to leave, if you can't get his bullying to stop. Your DF has created this mess by having his son take the back seat to a new kid who isn't his.

It has to be hard for him to go from getting everything to having his dad say no to him, while at the same time giving to your daughter. None of that excuses his behavior.

If you aren't willing or able to leave, maybe have your DF take care of his kid and you take care of yours.

Lillysmom's picture

I agree, I don't want to leave because he really is a GREAT person. Yes he has created this mess for everyone involved. He really is a loving person and tries his hardest to cater to everyone. He works VERY hard. We have an awesome relationship other than this issue. My BD BF is NOT a part of her life, doesn't follow court ordered visitation or support so I am undoubtedly grateful for EVERYTHING my FDH does for us. I need some advice on how we can confront the situation without his BS feeling like he is being attacked. I want to resolve this issue, not run from it :/

Disneyfan's picture

Do you work? Are you able to pay for the things your DF gets your daughter yourself? If so, that may help. As long as he is saying no to his kid while doing for your kid, the resentment will always be there.

forestfairy's picture

What kind of idiotic 17 year old kid messes with a FIVE year old little girl??? Shouldn't he be hanging out with friends, picking up girls, and being 17? You need to put your foot down about this with your FDH. Tell him you will not have his nearly adult son torturing your small child, and if he doesn't do something about it, your relationship is not going to last long.

Oi Vey's picture

I don't understand. Why would you and DD moving in take away SS's spending/extra curriculars/ etc? That makes no sense unless you're having your BF support you and your daughter.
Sounds like a built in resentment machine.
If you support your kid, and BF supports his kid, I'll wager a pretty penny that most of these issues go away.

serendipity's picture

i don't know- these seem like normal sibling fights to me. me and my sisters used to torture each other worse then this and we had a pretty big age gap. a 17 year old doing this to a 5 year old is very childish- i agree with that. and throwing a tantrum- totally not okay. i think you do need to get on the same page with FDH and discipline him if he really is hurting your daughter's feelings. but i guess i just don't see the things he is doing as anymore then sibling-type fighting- maybe you are both just really protective of your kids and not working together? in any of the examples you posted above i am pretty sure my parents would have just told us to knock it off and move on...maybe there is more to the story?

Lillysmom's picture

No I don't work, he asked me to quit my job and move here, almost 200 miles away from where I'm from. I was okay with it for a few reasons, 1. I was a waitress working nights and hardly had ANY time with my daughter. 2. the town I am from is where I grew up, a lot of drama, and I really did wanna get away. 3. I knew it would be a more financially stable situation for the BOTH of us. 4. I am also a full time college student, and was really struggling with everything combined. Not saying I'm lazy, or can't handle, cause I was doing just fine. Didn't see anything wrong with making the load a little easier though. He has asked me, actually begged me to stay home and take care of the house and animals and such. We live in a very large farm house on 55 acres. I don't have any problem working, I've worked for many years. I'd LOVE to get a job. I think it would help yes because I would be contributing financially, but the flip side to that would be, I'd be paying for afterschool care for her, which isn't cheap. So half of my paycheck would go to child care. Doesn't make much sense to me.

Yes he should be hanging out with friends and chasing girls, and doing 17 year old stuff. He gets in trouble quit often with his attitude, his lies, and his grades so he is usually not allowed to do much. He also works with his dad on the weekends. My DFH works 7 days a week. Literally. Running a business is no easy task. We are ALL stressed out. No doubt. I personally think it goes beyond sibling rivalry as I sit here and watch him 'work' on her so to speak. He won't give up until she gets mad and 'tattles'. So he then in turn is justified in getting his feelings out. We are both struggling with how to deal with this. FSS now has stated he wants to 'leave' and doesn't want to live here anymore. That puts DFH in a hrorible position. I don't think my BD typical 5 year old behavior or my correcting him should push him to not want to live here. I'm so lost. I just wanna resolve this issue.... :.(

seeingitfrombothsides's picture

You getting a job would probably solve most of the over the top agitation, the sibling stuff is invaluable to learning to deal with others. Also, the shopping sprees he was getting, was that part of his compensation for working weekends. If not, is he being compensated for his work?

Lillysmom's picture

I do agree that me working would 'solve' a lot. Only thing is, when I mention getting a job, he says that's not the point. He likes having me at home. (I do not think this is a control issue as many would think. I really do think he just enjoys having me take care of the home as I take a lot of pride in my home.) Yes he is paid for the work that he does. His shopping sprees were just because dad had the money. He is very good at what he does (landscaping business) And is also a HUGE gambler. I don't ever question it or get mad because he is always winning. LOL. But taking on the responsibility of 2 more ppl does cut into 'extra' spending money, for everyone. We still do fun things, like go to amusement parks, state fairs, out to eat every tuesday for wing night. His son goes to the mall at least once a week and gets a new pair of shoes, or a new hat, or a pair of jeans etc. He still does the things he did before, he is using more of his own money now instead of dad handing him money all the time. He sees me go out and buy things for my daughter, knowing his dad is the sole financial provider, and gets jealous i guess. He isn't stupid and knows that I spend his dad's money to reward my daughter. I really do understand his frustration, but does he have to take it out on my 5 year old?!

Disneyfan's picture

Is there a big age difference between you and DF?

Him not wanting you to work- Is that just you until you finish school? Will he still want you to stay home once you get your degree? How much longer do you have to go until you complete your education? What do you want to do?

Lillysmom's picture

There is a 16 year age difference. He is 43 and I am 27. Yes it's just until I finish school. I'm getting my Associates of Arts with a concentration in criminal justice. I want to do social or probation work. I would rather be a juvenile or non violent offender Probation Officer. He is very proud of me for going to college and really does want me to get started on my career. I don't graduate until Nov. 2012.

Mindygirl1's picture

HUGE Gambler.... Hello...Nobody wins all the time. Wonder how nice things will be when he stops winning and then he looks at you and says get a job cuz I can no longer feed you and your kid. You seem nice but very naive... That worries me. The more you talk the more I am thinking you should have thought about moving a little more than you did. being a waitress sound better than a full time housekeeper living with an out of control abusive 17 year old and agambling father. I don't care how much money you earn - gambling is a BIG PROBLEM... It means addictive behavior. It means eventual financial ruin... I don't care how nice he is... My grandmother uses to say "Honey the Devil himself has the ability to be nice when he needs too"....

hbell0428's picture

This move seems new to ALL of you; if it's not physical harm it may be ss17 "finding" his fit. Siblings do fight like this; My BS10 argues w/ BS5 like nothing else!! He will tease and tease until my 5 year old is in tears........I will look at him and just say......."Do you feel good now? Does that make you FEEL good that you just did that to your little brother?" He will usually look down and just sit there! Catch him off guard. but if your DH wont stick up for you - you need to talk with DH

Oi Vey's picture

I think the first thing you should do is to get a job. It's nice he likes having you home to take care of him, but you're NOT MARRIED and therefore are afforded no protections if the relationship falters. You have a daughter to support. You said her father doesn't support her, so it's all falling on your BF. You and your daughter are COMPLETELY dependent on him. NOT a good plan, IMO.

Second, your lack of income is causing a problem in your household and your SS resents you and your daughter. Understandably, IMO. His dad is taking resources from him to put them toward a kid that isn't his.

Anyway, your #1 priority should be taking care of yourself and your child. I understand going to school (although if you still have more than a year to go for your AA you must have just started) BUT you can go to school AND work. I do it. Both full time. Wink And I have several kids at home still. It's totally doable.
Ok, off soapbox now. Smile

Disneyfan's picture


Allowing your BF to support both you and your daughter, will continue to cause problems in your home. Plenty of people work and go to school.

Contact social services and see if they offer vouchers for after care. Is there a Boys and Girls club in your area? Their after care (and summer day camp)fees are very low.

Check to see if local after school programs are hiring. Often employees can have their kids attend for free.

Lillysmom's picture

Thank you everyone for the advice. I understand the whole fake stoy situation, but this is really real for me, and very stressful.

Auteur's picture

SS17 is 17 going on FIVE!!!

Seriously the abuse is psychological and the fact that biodad sticks up for his brat and makes YOU think that YOU have done a disservice to his crotch dropping is DISGUSTING!

Obviously this man is not ready for an adult relationship. Although SS17 acts like he's FIVE he obviously has "adult spousal status" and is on the same status level as bioad, whereas you and BD are viewed as "beneath" them.

Get out now! BD won't even remember being switched in kindergarten. Maybe you can get an nice little apt in the same school district? Protect your child at all costs. Next thing you know, SS17 will be doing other more heinous things to BD as he ups the ante and is driven toward bigger and better "thrills."

Anon2009's picture

I agree with this.


I know you love FDH, but these bullies can often evolve from taunting a little kid to physically harming them. Your BD might really resent you if you stay in this relationship instead of getting out now to protect her.

Call your state legislator and see what services there are in your state that could help you and BD. You said you were a waitress in the area where you previously lived. Are there any restaurants hiring in your new town? Are there any jobs available on campus? Your campus should have a Career Services Center where they help people find jobs in fields they're interested in.

Please leave this situation before SS' taunting of BD escalates.