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Anyone still around who remembers Sita?

Sita Tara's picture

Hi there STers...

Haven't updated in forever and a year probably.

Divorced...moved...and am slowly starting to put my life back together piece by peace.

ExH and MOW are still together. Don't really care anymore. Apparently she's still divorcing. Won't say how that info came to fall in my lap, but hopefully everyone will finally have resolution and freedom from about 3 years of chaos brought about by two people who decided their happiness was more important than dozens of others. I sincerely hope they have found it to be worth it.

As for me? I'm half-way accepted to grad school -accepted into the college, awaiting my interview with the program. Marital/family therapy/counseling ironically enough. I think my real life experience will give me a window into many things- blended family toxicity in particular- that will help. Well...infidelity as well unfortunately. Looking forward to bringing a new depth to that profession.

I'm also dating. A very sweet quiet thoughtful man. I don't know that I've ever enjoyed that combo. On some level his lack of inflated sense of self and purpose rattles me somewhat as I'm definitely not used to a subtle man. On the other...he is the most caring, sensitive, loving, giving, laid back and sensual man I've know. Smile

He keeps me in the moment like never before, and is in no hurry to totally enmesh our lives. We've been friends, tho not close, for about 10 years, and became closer after my marriage ended and his relationship (with a single mom) ended last year.





But likes kids. Does theatre like me, and we are in a play along with DD (now SIX!) so she can get to know him in a fun casual way.

I am so at peace. My life is so quiet. Nobody raging at anyone. Nobody lying to anyone. Nobody blaming anyone. Wow...

I hope that others can find that peace within their blended family that I never could quite grasp.

I'll try to check in more regularly but likely won't give a lot of advice. It's amazing how much I see now that I'm out and I never ever want to invalidate someone else. Besides...I remember a few former SMs trying to reach me and I couldn't hear them for the life of me.

Thanks as always, for listening. Smile


Sita Tara's picture

Nice to meet you Flabbergasted...

You can read thru my blog posts- the old SM ones are gone now. Tucked away for safe keeping for the big memoir someday. Wink But the ones post finding out my now Exh (and exSF to my sons/father to SD/and BF to my DD) was tossing me for a new improved blended family are still here. It's a dramatic yet somewhat boring tale of woe for me to ever re-visit myself, but I suppose can be a lesson in what can happen when you can't ever get ahold of yourself while surrounded by toxic people in a blended family.

aggravated1's picture


I am so glad you posted. I remember your posts, and you have truly risen above all of that drama and I am SO happy you are doing so well.

I cannot believe your DD is 6!!! I feel so old, lol.

I find it hard to believe those 2 are still together, but really? They deserve each other. Sounds like you have moved on to bigger and better things and have truly grown as a person, while they will probably stay in the same circling pattern of lies and mistrust and betrayal. Is it bad for me to say I hope they both crash and burn? }:)

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Aggravated...I don't know that they'll crash and burn. I just know the more full my life gets, the more healthy my life is, the less I attach to or care about the two of them. I wouldn't trade places for anything in the world with either of them. He no longer even has SD-she was gone within the first year. I don't even know where she is, and neither does my DD which is really hard on her and scary actually. She knows SD and exH raged at each other night and day, and then SD went away. I imagine that weighs heavily on her fears of abandonment. She's in therapy -seeing SD's old counselor now. I think that's a good fit.

I think dating has been a healthy yet at times neurotic step. I often misinterpret his laid back nature for pulling back, and then when I re-focus on my kids and myself he "magically" comes back my way. Then I realize it wasn't him changing- it was my perception he was.

He's really sweet- good gift giver too. He actually surprised me on Valentine's day with the first 3 seasons of Mad About You- one of my all time favorite shows I would quote on FB a lot. He signed his card, "Thank you for bringing a light back into my life." Wow. Ditto.

We'll see. I'm not worried about a destination with him and that's a first. He's also been married twice- long term marriages but no kids. When it comes down to it I already loved him as a friend before we even started. That's nice-I've never started there before. It seems to be a more natural and healthy pace for that love to grow into the deeper sort. And...well...there's a whole lot of chemistry I don't know that I've shared with the two men I married. I think part of that is his creative brain really tickles a part of my psyche. Among other places. Wink

Anyway...he helps me feel whole. Not because I need a man...because because I know now that I can open back up, that I can trust someone again, and that I can be a light for someone else.

Jsmom's picture

I was wondering how you were doing. Glad to hear it is going so well. They definitely deserved each other and that you have found a "nice" guy....

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Jsmom- how are you?

Yes indeed he is sweet. Told me in the beginning "I want you to set the pace where you're comfortable after all you've been thru." Yikes. That's uncomfortable!

BettyRay's picture

Glad to hear things are going well for you Smile

I think of you often and always wish you well.


BettyRay's picture

I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

DH and I had a rough patch a while back and I decided to disengage.

Since then things have gotten so much better for us as a couple. By stepping back I think DH realized how much I was doing for the boys. He's stepped up and has been doing a great job parenting them.

DH has also been making an effort to make time for us. We've gotten closer and have had some real open and honest conversations lately.

My skids are fine. I can see as the boys get older (they're 14 and 10 y.o. now)that they're drifting away from DH. DH has noticed it too, and is beginning to realize that his past of guilty parenting hasn't gotten him anywhere. The skids prefer to be at BM's house which DH refers to as "la-la-land". BM let's them do what ever they like - there's no set schedule or bedtime (which they have at our house). What kid wouldn't like that?

Anyway I feel life is good right now.


Sita Tara's picture

So glad to hear it. As you may recall I was trying to disengage and in my case it all fell apart when he realized how much I had been doing...but he didn't want to do it himself. Enter new shiny SM- executive type woman "juggling" work and four kids- and a H. I would say apparently not well if she decided adding my then H and SD into her rotation. Wink Anyway...she wasn't the answer on that front in the end either since SD didn't last the year with him without a parent present like I had been. It was hard to let go of her, and at times I miss her, but...I had no choice.
I think too we forget that it's natural for nearly teen and teenager kids to pull away. That's when they start doing it. My sons and I were super tight while going thru this transition, and now...they are flying out the door to things-oldest is driving and younger son is only about 7 months away from his temporary permit. (UGH.) Time does fly.

BettyRay's picture

I feel extremely blessed and lucky that my DH turn toward me, instead of away from me, when I disengaged.

I realize the boys are at an age where it's totally natural to pull away from parents. But in our case DH and I are sensing that there's something else going on in addition to growing up. It's hard to put into words.

DH put it this way when he was talking about the boys the other day:

"For the boys I realize now that home is where ever BM is. I feel the boys only see me as a cook, butler and chauffeur."

I thought that summed it up pretty well. It also made me sad for DH.


Sita Tara's picture

See my reply to AAgirl. takes an equal partner. I'm so glad yours is one of those gems BR. I'm sad to hear he's hurting about the kiddos, but...

remember that all things are temporary. My sons treat me like crap at times too and I'm the evil BM with the golden uterus now- you know? Kids do treat us like wallets etc. But one day...if we're consistent with our love and not our cash? They will have kids too and find out just like we did how much we owe our parents. And how kid to parent karma does kick us later. Wink

forestfairy's picture

Sita! I've thought about you often. I read more than I posted when you were going through your seperation. I'm so glad to hear you're doing so well. Based on the advice you gave others on this site, I think your chosen grad school program is perfect for you! I think you have a lot of insight into human relationships. I'm so happy you've found a great guy and that you're all doing well. Keep us updated now and again!

I'm glad you checked in, so many don't and then I always wonder what happened to them and how they're doing.

Sita Tara's picture

Hey there FF!

Thanks. I have found even in DD's few counseling visits that it's frustrating when counselors are giving sound advice based on books and studies when I know a lot of first hand issues that they just don't get never living in the midst of it. The best therapist I had was one I went to when we were fighting for and won custody of SD. She was a SM. She wrote me an RX that said "What do I need to do for myself to make me happy?" She also asked to meet now exH, and asked him what he was doing to relieve the burden of SD's and BM's issues from my shoulders. I think he was a bit miffed if I recall. Then...after meeting him she asked me to read "The Emotionally Unavailable Man." Hmmmm....

I told SD's child psychologist that on her next appt (without SD in the room of course.) SHE then suggested I add "Toxic Relationship Patterns." Hmmmm again. I didn't read either. I was already in deep by then.

I hope I can bring something new to the profession. Our society needs to catch up with this issue. In my opinion now that I'm out? Blended families breed unhealthy levels of codependency even in non codependent people. I thought I was codependent, but my therapist says NO. So...hmmm...more research to do while I work on the masters. Smile

Auteur's picture

WOO HOO! Good for you Sita! Glad to hear you made it out of StepHELL in tact and are dating a CHILD FREE MAN!!!!! YAY!!!!!

You probably remember me by my OLD handle "crayon." I'm exiting this year and leaving biodad (now known as GG or god's gift to women; in particular me :tongue:) in his violent and scared-shiteless of the BM's ways.

As predicted his kids remained PASed out and are failing in a big way in school; like UBER failing with grades in the twenties and thirties out of 100s. Of course this is quite alright as it is GG's kids we are talking about here. The middle and most problematic child, stbxSD VD now 13 is heading down the road to welfare and teenaged preggersville.

I've also written a downloadable book called "The Guilty Parent Trap" on that explains the whole upturned family dysfunctional dynamic as a warning for others to beware the man with children.

Sita Tara's picture

Of course I remember you! You were quite the controversial poster at times- always tossing out the tough subjects. Glad to hear about the book. I'll have to check it out sometime. Right now we just started rehearsing Oliver and will be running to a theatre about 35 mins away half the time. UGH...I've done two amazing straight plays this year- one on 9/11 that was awesome, followed up by Rabbit Hole. Also awesome. Really wanted a break but when my BF and DD both wanted to do this show I thought it was a good opportunity for all of us to hang out. She's struggling with my dating a bit. She said she doesn't like her dad having a GF but can't tell him that, and since I won't get mad she can tell me she doesn't want me to have a BF. Sigh...and so it begins right? I'm glad for you to hear you're getting out. On your terms. I would have gone down with that dysfunctional ship myself. I am just a fixer. Tho I will say...I've grown out of that exponentially. I no longer have any desire to save or fix anyone. But myself anyway. Smile

Frustrated New Wife's picture

I'm more of a reader than a poster, but I do remember your situation and I am sooo glad you are finally happy now! You sound so much more at peace and that is wonderful! Thanks for updating us!

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Frustrated. I miss everyone here. But am happy to no longer "need" this site in that capacity. }:)

Frustrated New Wife's picture

You're welcome. I can't blame you for being happy for no longer "needing" this site. Good for you!! We always wanna see someone happy and if that means getting away from your current situation, then so be it. I'm just glad that you are not only at peace, but that you have sound somebody to be at peace with and not someone who is destroying yor peace (such as ExH).

Sita Tara's picture

I think one blessing of having the rug pulled out all the way by someone you trusted, is you realize that you should never have stood on the rug they have control over in the first place. The guy I'm with contributes to my peace, but...

Those times I thought he might be pulling back or changing his mind I would re-focus on myself, my life, my kids. And I realized that's a tool I've learned throughout this grief process. So...tho my guy adds to the joy right joy isn't dependent on him. And honestly, it never should be.

But I still like him a whole bunch. He makes me laugh in a highly witty flirty intelligent creative way. And it's so refreshing. Smile

skylarksms's picture

I remember you from when I first joined STalk. Glad to hear your life is going well and not so DRAMA filled!

stormabruin's picture

I think I joined not too long before you started the process of finding your peace. I remember the last of your exiting blogs & I'm so happy for you.

It's hard to believe the difference just a year can make for someone. A year in a miserable place can feel like an eternity, but a year away from it can go so quickly.

I'm so happy you're in a good place & able to feel good just living life for you & your DD, doing things you enjoy with people who love you & respect you.

Congratulations on having the courage to find that! Smile

Sita Tara's picture

It's been a long journey Stormabruin. And your name is exactly how I felt about the time you were joining. I just didn't know why I felt that way. Sigh.

A year makes a huge difference. Two years ago on March 19th Vic from here flew from TX to hold my hand the weekend of my anniversary. Last year I spent it connecting with friends off and on all day and did spiritual things to reclaim it (and WON a TV at our local Home and Garden Expo- how's that for the universe showing some kindness on a difficult day!)

This year? I kept forgetting what day it was. And...spent the evening at rehearsal with my new guy and DD. Smile

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Druzzilla. Like you quote too. I don't know about revenge but reclaiming my life has been a sweet reward!

arjuna79's picture

Sita, so wonderful to hear of the beauty in your life right now, can feel you glowing from here. Hope your health is good as well. Thank you for letting us know how you are thriving!

Sita Tara's picture

I am glowing. My health? Well...still need to lose some weight. This new guy is treating me to dinner too much. However...he has never been concerned with the weight of his women and that's been kinda nice. But hoping this play will take the last 20 off I've been fighting for several years now. Smile

I see the oncologist next month again. Haven't had a recurrence worth treating yet. My new guy does know the history tho and is very concerned and supportive- something I didn't have when I was diagnosed and didn't know my then H was in an affair.

Feeling pretty good now that I have a plan in place for grad school tho.

twopines's picture

You won't remember me, but I do remember you and your situation a couple of years ago. Thank you for the update; it's wonderful you have created a peaceful life!

Sita Tara's picture

Hi Twopines. I'm sorry to say I don't remember a lot of people from their screennames in general, but your name rings a bell for some reason. Smile I plan on glancing back thru blogs here and there to catch up. I was fortunate to be asked to another private group after my now ex raged about the blogs about his affair so that I could post without fearing he or the OW were reading them. Now I only really can remember the people from that group, or the people I came to know in "real life" IE FB friendships. Smile Thanks for the well wishes!

soy_girl's picture

Sita, I have been thinking about you for the last several weeks. I am so glad to hear you are well. I rarely post here, but read daily and find the support and wisdom here has helped me cope and grow as a SP. I remember your posts and am ashamed I didnt take the opportunity to thank you for sharing your story, especially considering the pain you went through. Your grace in a terrible situation, and your strength in the face of so many difficult situations truly inspired me.

Thank you for the update on your life. You have no idea how knowing your story truly helped me cope with some personal challenges recently.

Sita Tara's picture

Awww....SG, thanks for thinking of me. I swear the past few years I've been graced with so much love and light at times I don't even know who's sending it. I remember a real life friend, married young dad I know thru theatre, is in a band that's pretty big locally. He was playing at our monthly arts event downtown last summer and I was there alone after handing off DD to her dad earlier in the evening. I walked up to their outside gig, and he waved. I actually thought "Is he waving at someone else?" Because we don't know each other that well outside of theatre and FB. After they finished he came up, gave me a huge hug and said, "How are you sweetie? I read your FB posts often and am always wishing you well." It was so sweet. I couldn't believe it. I never know who's reading and who's caring but I will say I always FEEL the love that comes to me from afar. Smile Catch me up when you can via PM if you want- as to what's going on in your life these days. Smile

Sita Tara's picture

My wisdom didn't do me much good I'm afraid. I think I'm far wiser now-enough to know I didn't know anything before!

LizzieA's picture

Sita, so glad to hear from you and I'm happy that things have gotten better in all departments! Good can come out of some pretty crappy situations. Finding yourself can be the greatest gift of all! (I know I went through it too)
Bless you.

lifeisshort's picture

I've thought about you and wondered how you are, Sita. You sound peaceful and calm. I'm very happy for you and your DD. I can't believe she's 6! Where has the time gone...
It sounds like you have a full plate and are happy about all the things coming your way, doing things that bring you joy. That's how life SHOULD be.
Good to see you again!