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Sita Tara's picture

Still in limbo- process is gruelingly slow. Can't elaborate on all that obviously.

Still stuck emotionally b/c I don't recognize the man anymore. I don't see any glimpse of the one I forever bragged about on here as the most emotionally supportive and loving man I'd ever known. I guess MOW is the one that's reserved for now. She is getting to see all that passion, compassion, etc. All that caring only what she wants in life, just as he once treated me. Just as he once revered me.

I now realize I should have known. He treated BM this way. Once he determined she wasn't worthy of his love or caring he totally turned on her like she meant nothing. And I feel this from him toward me now. Why did I think I was more special? Why did I think he loved me more just b/c he despised her.

He loves you...

more than anything...

more than reason even when you try and reason with him that you might not be right for each other or that you might have too many things in your lives to overcome.

He convinces you that he can adapt to anything..."I am a rock," he says, "I can take it all," "We make a good team," "Together we can overcome all of this craziness,"...

I keep thinking about how when BM bailed completely on SD, he bailed completely on me. As tho he needs an ally and an adversary. That once the adversary left we were lost- no triangle. It became between him, SD and me a lot. SD fanned the fire a lot.

And then...when I finally fell under the surface of illness and facing a possible cancer, when I couldn't put him and SD before myself and my sons...

he found a new ally.

I became adversary.

I now know why BM didn't want to be in the same room as him. Why she never answered the phone. Why she didn't want to hear about anything in SD's life from our home.

Is BM crazy? Well, yes she is. I won't ever walk away from my child the way she did from SD.

But I now see how perhaps her craziness was co-created by him, by SD. By their sordid triangle.

Before him I knew very little drama and chaos. Over the past 6 years drama and chaos have swirled around me in a toxic pool.

I am starting to feel the drama float by me now rather than me getting sucked into the whirlpool.

I still miss the love I thought I had.

I now know it was never really truly there. I was here to serve a purpose. To validate them both. To help him avoid processing the end of his first marriage.

And I am not one to skip the process no matter how painstakingly slow. Step by step I'm peeling it off. The whole 6 years off. And even tho I'm still stuck going thru some of it...

The worse is behind me now.

Today I saw the GYN for my yearly check. I filled her in on what happened and of course I had to have additional tests/screenings. He claims I didn't need that. How can I take him at any word now?

I'll get the results within the week. I will also go for a m-gram next week, and a repeat colposcopy to make sure the vulvar lesion hasn't returned.

So it's done. And with it? I am as well. A fresh start in life. Clean slate so to speak.

Job interview tomorrow.

Another ap I'm filling out to drop off this weekend.

One baby step out of this mess at a time. Lessons learned. Trust will be more sacred to me from now on.

I spoke with an elder- a wise woman. She's twice divorced too. She said-

As women we think why do we attract these crazy men? These unstable forces into our lives? Because we thought what we learned the first time was to be ourselves and allow ourselves to be vulnerable- to say this is me- take it or leave it- and this is who and what I need from my partner. We don't realize there will be men who aren't who and what we tell them we want and need but will be so determined to have us that they will shape to that- to our exact specifications. I know myself I will never fall for that again.

I told her one thing I've finally realized is that I had doubts in the beginning that I didn't listen to. Our whole marriage he was always amazed at how I read things right- my intuition. So much so he'd consult me before taking a job. When I first rec'd an email from him via the personal site I took one look and promptly stuck him in my delete bin. We had nothing in common. I could tell instinctively it wouldn't work out.

After a disappointing date with a man who seemed to match me "on paper" I pulled all the deleted profiles out and dusted them off. I thought I was being too picky trying for someone just like me.

And now I know. I knew then. I just didn't listen to me.

As my older wiser friend said...

I won't ever fall for that again.

Thanks, as always, for listening.


Most Evil's picture

Ah Sita. It is so nice to hear from you. We miss your wisdom here! and I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I hope you find some peace very soon.!! Don't be a stranger. HUGS, Susan

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks ME...I really miss everyone here too. I'm sure once this is over I will come back to visit. But it's really impossibly hard to give advice right now. I see too many train wrecks that may be heading the way of my marriage and can't trust my judgment on that. I can say I'll never raise someone else's kid(s) with them again. If I do ever dip my toes back into this crazy horrible blended mess, it will be with strict expectations and rules of engagement set up ahead of time. And a pre-nup that gives me everything if he betrays my trust so I don't have to go thru this awfully slow process ever again. I'd be out yesterday if he was generous and let me easily get back on my feet. Unfortunately, the promises made in the beginning before he fled out the door have pretty much vanished.

Dawn-Moderator's picture

Hey! I'm all ears and love listening!

That's very interesting about the delete bin. Makes you go hmmmmmm.

Thanks for checking in.


Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Dawn. I'm thinking of a trip your way whenever he asks to have her for an extended time again. Depends on the job I interviewed for today. Really torn. Hours are perfect- I can mostly work the exact hours BD4's in school. But absolutely no benefits and the pay isn't impressive. And no possible advancement etc.

I'd pretty much be working to buy my own benefits and get something on my resume.

Persephone's picture

Sita... good to hear from you!!

What can I say to cheer you up?? I know: it is him, that is not worthy of your love.... Believe that. Believe in you.

Sita Tara's picture

And to hear from you! I wasn't sure you were on here much anymore. I think you were one of my first "buddies" on here. Smile

Persephone's picture

Yeah...I am still your "buddy"... I check in now and then when I need it.. and when I feel strong enough to help others...

I'm rooting for you!!


Sita Tara's picture

Six years out?

Yikes. But yes I can see that. Funny how for men it's about 6 mins. But thanks for the comment b/c a lot of people pressure me to be "over it" already, mostly I'm sure b/c it pains them to see me go thru it. Those who have been thru this actually tell me, as does my counselor, that I'm processing a bit faster than most would from all that happened this past year- the cancerous lesion, BD's illnesses, the cheating, the limbo now not knowing how I'll support myself or where I'll live.

Sometimes I'm honestly impressed I didn't end up checked into somewhere with padded walls.

Came close. There were a few times I pulled into the garage on weekends I had no kids and sat there with my hand on the ignition forcing myself to turn it off only when I could envision either of my now ex's showing up with kids and finding me. I wouldn't wish that on my first ex for anything b/c he still cares about me. But the kids in particular....BD4...

my sons finding me gone? I posted on another totally anon site that many times my kids are the only things keeping me tethered to this earth.

I don't know how someone copes with the emotional alienation, the rejection, the betrayal, the gaslighting, the blame shifting...

without their kids to make them have to get up out of bed each day and breathe in and out.

Every other weekend right now...

I still struggle and still get angry at what he's forced upon me.

I'm better but still yes have many many miles to go. Getting a clean bill of health will help me take another stride forward.

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks for commenting and I hope you are ok with whatever the revelation is. I miss that part of this site. But since I'm in a legal process I can't post much without fear of repercussions. Hope you are doing ok yourself.

Rags's picture


I am so glad to see you are progressing and are being true to you. Not all men are assholes. Though all of us have our periodic bouts of Testosterone related Cranio/Rectal syndrome some of us really are in it to be equitable partners and for the long haul.

As a cheesy movie line so eloquently stated "(you) complete me". We can all be just fine on our own but when the right connection is made and a true mutually committed, supportive, respectful and passionate relationship is made we are more complete.

Your X's lack of character is not your failure. It is all his. Be good to you and keep in touch.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

Sita Tara's picture

Rags, you're such a gem of a guy. I miss the guys on here so much- Steve, Johnboy, MS, are any of you still here?

I remember all of you lifting me up last fall most of all, how you all rallied around me thru my health crisis and thought that my STBX was acting the way he was b/c he was actually worried that I was going to have to have chemo, radiation, more surgery- that his withdrawing from me was out of his fears for my life, my health, etc. And how you all were absolutely outraged at the real reason.

You all gave and still give me hope that there will be a guy out there who is capable of that long haul. Who realizes that it's crazy to end a marriage, especially with kids, having never asked once for anything to change first, having never tried counseling, having never once expressed the marriage was in jeopardy. I never imagined anyone who'd been married before wouldn't try HARDER the second time. But divorce brought relief for him before and I'm sure he will experience that again. My concern is how he jumped from BM to me- we married before the anniversary of their divorce being final- and now has jumped to another before even ending this. I don't get how anyone 40 yrs old with one divorce under their belt doesn't know that's a problem.

But he doesn't. They're different from the rest of the world who's ever done this before.


Thanks again Rags. Mrs Rags is a very lucky duck.

Stick's picture

Sita - just remember that you are beautiful.. and I personally believe - more evolved than him.. or BM.. or SD. He was lucky to have had you and now he has lost it all. He will never be happy, or fulfilled. But YOU will be. Hugs..

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Stick. Miss hearing your wise words on here. So glad you're one of the "old timers" still around on here. Smile

Ingrid's picture


Sita Tara's picture

I'm sorry my life is too full now of every other weekend dictating my plans. I can't tell you how irritable it makes me to know I unwittingly signed on for 13 more years of this blended/divorced/splitting time between two houses BS. It just sucks for everyone- except for him. He is dating and having a blast I'm sure. I'm having a deeply profoundly painfully slow metamorphosis. My kids are stuck in limbo with me, as is everyone who cares about us.

One thing that's way harder to adjust to the second time around is all the things I think I would want to do with BD- and they seem to always fall on his weekend. I could ask but then there's all this rescheduling etc. So the letting go is hard. The knowing I'm now missing half her weekends and holidays is about to break me most days.

I hate this way of life and was so looking forward to being done with it when BS13 turns 18.

But no. I married a man who seems to enjoy it too much for some reason. Who didn't ever lose enough the first time to learn how to avoid a repeat performance.

I've lost so much this time I may never let anyone near me again.

Sita Tara's picture

Funny you mention "Louie." There's a man who writes me often on FB who's real name is something else, but goes by "Louie" that I went to high school with who perhaps is crushing on me. He's in FL so there's nothing to it, but it's nice, he's cute- very interesting combo of totally tanned and in shape handsome, living a very relaxed yet prosperous life- living a beach life- surfing/jet skiing/driving convertibles everywhere/motorcycles etc, yet very religious and supportive, kind, lovely man. Nice from a distance.

I don't know tho about loving someone creeping up on me ever again. That's how it went with STBX and me. I thought he'd be nice to hang out with and date for a bit. He pushed for more and set a fast paced whirlwind courtship. Now if someone seems smitten with me I'm going to consider it a warning flag. Infatuation doesn't translate to more later most times I think.

What's hard for me DP, is I did this once before, really dug deep, centered myself, loved myself, made a good life for myself, and I still got drug into someone else's dysfunction. I still made a totally stupid decision with my sacred trust. I handed it over to someone who strutted their trustworthiness to everyone they know to the degree that NO ONE saw this coming, and no one recognizes his attitudes and priorities now.

But when I've had a peek into their world (won't say how, but I do) I see the same man I dated. He's charming and jovial and totally focused on winning MOW over so she will feel she can trust him beyond measure. He did it with me, tho I was single so I was perhaps an easier target, but had major reservations about our compatibility. He tore them all down one at a time til I felt totally safe with him. Then...

He slowly pushed me over an abyss emotionally that I now feel I'm still falling and haven't hit rock bottom even yet some days.

I guess in all honesty, the one I am most angry with is me. I took that leap of faith with him leading it. I have always believed if I was myself and took down all my walls around men I'd find the right one b/c they would be as honest with themselves about the ability to work thru things.

And this test of that theory went completely awry, as well as costing myself all my financial security. My house? Gone. My equity? Gone. My student loans? Still huge b/c I set them up to pay the minimum while I was staying at home.

I am likely looking at bankruptcy once spousal support runs out. The job that I might be taking has no benefits- only up to 30 hrs a week ever possible- so I'll work nearly 2 full weeks just to buy my own benefits. This is what's currently out there.

I'm so angry most days that I didn't protect myself and my children from him. My sons are so angry with him. They loved him and he cared nothing for them. Same with my family. Everyone is expendable to him if they no longer admire him.

anabihibik's picture

Z, you're way too smart to be assuming what he's doing. He may be having "fun" now, but there's no work involved compared to what it takes to make a real relationship work. So, he's going to probably end up the lonely, miserable old man that no one visits. You know you are a much warmer, genuine person than that. So, while it sucks now, I do not believe it will forever. And, it only sucks now because you have a conscience and regard for others. These are some of the qualities that make me proud to have you as a friend. I believe you reminded me of this a few years ago. I'm happy to return the favor. And, yeah, it sucks that you have to share BD with that water-treading ass Wink but on the one hand, if it weren't for him, you wouldn't have her. She'll grow into a smart woman, just like her mom.

Recenter. Find yourself again. Hold onto yourself as you move ahead, and don't look back unless you want to laugh at the water-treading ass, because eventually, he'll sink.

Love and hugs!

Sita Tara's picture

Thanks Ana...

How easily I gave that advice sitting by that fire thinking I had my life and love all figured out. I feel now that every bit of advice I ever gave was BS. None of it matters when someone tosses you for someone else. I know it now. Emotional abandonment breaks many people for life. I have seen these women and before it happened to me I never understood it. It's a nuclear level of attack- you're sitting there thinking you know where your heading and the bomb goes off miles above you...then the fallout finds you and knocks you over before you can even figure out what happened.

anabihibik's picture

I don't think your advice was BS. Yes, it hurts, but then, these little bits of wisdom swim through your head and comfort you a little bit here and a little bit there. Knowing that people care enough about you makes you feel a little better, too. Well, it did me, anyway. Just because it breaks some people for life doesn't mean it has to break YOU.

LizzieA's picture

Sita, great to hear from you again, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were.

A couple thoughts: no matter what he did, you acted out of love and integrity. Therefore you can hold your head up. He is the evil one (narcissist much?) and will surely pay for that in one way or another. At the least he is a hollow gapping void using others' life energy and love to fill it.

I went through several relationships that ended up abusive in one form or another. The whole time I was not honoring my gut or respecting myself enough. But at the end, I didn't discount love because I believed in it (I was capable, right?). I forgave them in the sense that I released them to be themselves and walk their paths--but I was going to "live well" the best revenge.

Before I met my DH I had a few more things to work out in my little head--about my own value, not being codependent, etc. and finally, at age 48, I found my true love. Why did I have to go through all that? Why didn't I meet him earlier in life (we almost did but that's another story)?

I don't know but I do know it's a process and journey and along the way I've learned more about personality disfunction that I ever wanted to. It's rampant nowadays or just more obvious, not sure.

I often wish there was a short form DMV to give potential dates....

Sita Tara's picture

"I often wish there was a short form DMV to give potential dates...."

Now THAT made me laugh. I think I don't even need one anymore. I used to think that I just saw dysfunction everywhere b/c I was living in its midst. But now...

I think that I recognize it a mile away. One interesting thing that came up early in this journey happened when my sister asked me to look up an article on O Mag's site about abusive men. The psychiatrist and survivor he was interviewing discussed warning flags. Guess what the number one thing he asks clients who were recovering from abusive relationships was?

Who determined the rate of courtship.

Every time the women answered they felt pulled and pushed along at too fast a pace for commitment. That's the whirlwind part.

It was exactly the same way I would describe us. He told me he was falling in love right away, he used the term soulmate right away he wanted me to move in within months, asked me to marry him months after that, moved up the wedding date to my spring break from school- less than a year after his divorce was final from BM and exactly 1.5 yrs after she moved out and they filed.

I just thought he was decisive. But honestly, there were a few times I would be sitting here and my little bungalow across town was whispering...Sita...where did you go? How did you get there? What happened these past few months.

And leading up to his implosion relationally in our marriage?

He was becoming more physical in his angry outbursts. Not toward me, (tho verbally the rages had started to turn my way.) But toward SD. Last Thanksgiving when she locked herself in the bathroom he couldn't wait til I grabbed a small screw driver to pop the lock easily. He busted the handle off. It's still splintered and hanging there half off. I actually accidentally brushed against it the other day and got a splinter in my hand from it. A ton of memories came flooding back.

I think honestly he's still a time bomb. He changes people every so often so that he can maintain composure. But I'm not entirely convinced he never would be violent. He's thrown things in anger a ton.

And my counselor the other day told me that I keep talking about SD and how she's like BM. But he said, "That apple is a combo that didn't fall far from either tree."


Sita Tara's picture

I'll definitely check that out. I know that after dating many men who just couldn't make up their mind about me, or were highly ambivalent, that his total instant decisive devotion was highly appealing. Thinking it's likely what's attracted MOW as well after a long marriage. And wow on the detach/reattach fast- yes. I saw that with BM- and with SD as well. I think that the military history is probably relevant to being able to do that too- I know I often wondered how he went 1.5 years only seeing SD once when she was a toddler. That was an assignment- not a deployment into action.

I think you have to be a master at detachment to not go nuts doing those things.