Still in limbo- process is gruelingly slow. Can't elaborate on all that obviously.
Still stuck emotionally b/c I don't recognize the man anymore. I don't see any glimpse of the one I forever bragged about on here as the most emotionally supportive and loving man I'd ever known. I guess MOW is the one that's reserved for now. She is getting to see all that passion, compassion, etc. All that caring only what she wants in life, just as he once treated me. Just as he once revered me.
I now realize I should have known. He treated BM this way. Once he determined she wasn't worthy of his love or caring he totally turned on her like she meant nothing. And I feel this from him toward me now. Why did I think I was more special? Why did I think he loved me more just b/c he despised her.
He loves you...
more than anything...
more than reason even when you try and reason with him that you might not be right for each other or that you might have too many things in your lives to overcome.
He convinces you that he can adapt to anything..."I am a rock," he says, "I can take it all," "We make a good team," "Together we can overcome all of this craziness,"...
I keep thinking about how when BM bailed completely on SD, he bailed completely on me. As tho he needs an ally and an adversary. That once the adversary left we were lost- no triangle. It became between him, SD and me a lot. SD fanned the fire a lot.
And then...when I finally fell under the surface of illness and facing a possible cancer, when I couldn't put him and SD before myself and my sons...
he found a new ally.
I became adversary.
I now know why BM didn't want to be in the same room as him. Why she never answered the phone. Why she didn't want to hear about anything in SD's life from our home.
Is BM crazy? Well, yes she is. I won't ever walk away from my child the way she did from SD.
But I now see how perhaps her craziness was co-created by him, by SD. By their sordid triangle.
Before him I knew very little drama and chaos. Over the past 6 years drama and chaos have swirled around me in a toxic pool.
I am starting to feel the drama float by me now rather than me getting sucked into the whirlpool.
I still miss the love I thought I had.
I now know it was never really truly there. I was here to serve a purpose. To validate them both. To help him avoid processing the end of his first marriage.
And I am not one to skip the process no matter how painstakingly slow. Step by step I'm peeling it off. The whole 6 years off. And even tho I'm still stuck going thru some of it...
The worse is behind me now.
Today I saw the GYN for my yearly check. I filled her in on what happened and of course I had to have additional tests/screenings. He claims I didn't need that. How can I take him at any word now?
I'll get the results within the week. I will also go for a m-gram next week, and a repeat colposcopy to make sure the vulvar lesion hasn't returned.
So it's done. And with it? I am as well. A fresh start in life. Clean slate so to speak.
Job interview tomorrow.
Another ap I'm filling out to drop off this weekend.
One baby step out of this mess at a time. Lessons learned. Trust will be more sacred to me from now on.
I spoke with an elder- a wise woman. She's twice divorced too. She said-
As women we think why do we attract these crazy men? These unstable forces into our lives? Because we thought what we learned the first time was to be ourselves and allow ourselves to be vulnerable- to say this is me- take it or leave it- and this is who and what I need from my partner. We don't realize there will be men who aren't who and what we tell them we want and need but will be so determined to have us that they will shape to that- to our exact specifications. I know myself I will never fall for that again.
I told her one thing I've finally realized is that I had doubts in the beginning that I didn't listen to. Our whole marriage he was always amazed at how I read things right- my intuition. So much so he'd consult me before taking a job. When I first rec'd an email from him via the personal site I took one look and promptly stuck him in my delete bin. We had nothing in common. I could tell instinctively it wouldn't work out.
After a disappointing date with a man who seemed to match me "on paper" I pulled all the deleted profiles out and dusted them off. I thought I was being too picky trying for someone just like me.
And now I know. I knew then. I just didn't listen to me.
As my older wiser friend said...
I won't ever fall for that again.
Thanks, as always, for listening.