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Feel like an Afterthought

je creative's picture

My BF & I are in the midst of transition hell. I don't know if my frustration is valid or if I'm being thin-skinned. Here's the short of it:

The almost-ex-wife (courtdate 3/7) is preparing to move out, I'm preparing to move in. BF offers weeks ago to get boxes & I keep reminding with no result. Normal Guy Thing. Then 3 days ago:
Me: "Any chance of getting boxes for this weekend?"
Him: "Oh, sure. Patty wants more boxes, she asked me the other day. I'll talk to the guys at work."

That's what is stuck in my craw. His presentation makes me feel as if he is fulfilling the request for her & I'm the extra added bonus afterthought.

I spoke up about being upset & his response was "You need to stop thinking that way."

He loves me, he's sorry he upsets me. He's not good with words, says the wrong thing often, but every so often it's a feeling of daggers to the heart and I can't brush it off.

I can't figure out if I'm making too much of it just because I'm raw over everything that has transpired over the last few months.

In four days the pre-ex is moving out, in five days her BF returns from his homeland and moves into her rental house. I begin the move a week later, after the kids make the shift into the rental house with Mom. I don't wish to introduce undue strife into the mix, but I also do not want to move in & unpack a box of frustration & hurt that stems from the boxes conversation (and others like it).

It just wouldn't be healthy to start out our life together that way.

How do I handle it?
Do I handle it?
Do I have to suck it up & walk it off?

I'm new to the game (no, I don't see it as a game) of a blended family & don't want to wreck the good I have with the kids & would like to let go of the anger I have toward the pre-ex (specifically how her attempted sabotage wounded me) & start fresh with her when I move in.

Once again, how?

ISO words of wisdom & constructive opinion

J.

BlueberrysBaby's picture

JE there is no creative way out of this. Reading post after post after post and hearing my own DH's "you have to stop thinking like that" crap, I am making it my mission to warn every woman who has not yet taken the leap to NOT take the leap. If it's already a problem, it will be forever. It wasn't a problem for us when we got married and it BECAME a problem.

Men had their balls cut off some time in the early 90's and think their first wives should push them around and it's legit to make them all feel like deadbeat dads even when they're not. Mine goes so far as to TALK a big game about how his kids matter more than I do, even though he doesn't act on it because he's been taught he's a bad, bad boy if he doesn't really get into the whole parenting thing (sorry for begin Machiavellian everybody, but centuries of stereotypes ARE based in reality).

If even now "Patty" has the rule of the roost, you are not going to shove her out of it any time soon. Maybe the 3rd or 4th woman he's with after the divorce has a chance, but you'll just come off as a homewrecker and evil stepmom for getting involved before the divorce is final.

Sorry to bring what may seem like bad news. Fortunately, there ARE "plenty of fish." Fish sans spawn.

Blueberry's Baby

CplStv's picture

That were presented as "Things Evil Divorced Dads Allow" from BOTH sides, My doing it/allowing it, and getting the same type of things from My Beloved, and the S-kids.

Fair Warning, if He is still living with her, even if there is already court proceedings in progress, etc. THEY AREN'T OVER...and the Drama has only begun...

My Beloved and I have talked about it many times, and have agreed that if We had ANY CLUE that it would be this bad, We would NEVER HAVE LIVED TOGETHER, or at least waited for a LOT LONGER than We did, and Not Allowed Circumstances to Rush Us.

Click on My S/N and track My Posts,and Holeekrap789 for some examples...

Steve

Steve

Anne 8102's picture

...is not only fairly accurate, it's also ONLY THE TIP OF THE BIGGEST ICEBERG IN THE UNIVERSE. And that's when it's a good situation. I'm not saying that what you guys have is not the real thing, just that you need to have some transition time to KNOW that it's the real thing. She's not even moved out yet, you're cooling your jets in the hallway waiting for her to get out already and there's concern about not being a priority. There's something that's just so off about this picture. Date, by all means date, but moving in together? Nah, I'd pass for now. Moving is a pain in the ass. Do you really want to do it again in three to six months when the relationship fails? Because if I were a betting woman, I'd bet dollars to donuts (and I LOVE DONUTS!) that you will be in hell before you are even completely unpacked. They need to develop some kind of workable post-divorce relationship and you really don't want to be involved in that. I think you'd be much happier if you held off on moving in together unless/until they've established and are comfortable with clear boundaries for everything. See how he deals with the divorce, see how the kids adapt to your growing relationship, see how post-divorce events unfold. Right now, you guys aren't even having the two biggest struggles, money and visitation, because they're still living together. JE, it only goes downhill from here. I'm not saying it can't be worth it or that you guys don't have what it takes to succeed, I'm just saying that maybe you should slow it down for now to give all these various relationships the best chance at success.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Bonus Wife's picture

What happened to you J is what happens to me all the time!!! You aren't being thin-skinned - you have a valid reaction. That stuff used to flip me out! It's such a sore subject I can't even comment on it without "remembering" this incident or that incident. I was not insecure when I started out on this journey but his often putting her needs (because of the children) above mine has taken it's toll. They are his first family and their needs will always be considered first. I think DH feels guilty if he puts me first. Not Sure. Today, we just discussed how the first six months of our marriage has gone and I felt it sucked big time and he thinks it's been mostly good! Unbelievable. Wouldn't wish this insanity on my worst enemy. (AND, Yes, I love my husband!!!)
PS Instead of us getting thick-skinned, I suggest lobotomies. What was I thinking?????

OldTimer's picture

I don't like the sound of this... I think your heading for trouble, and um, have you ever heard of rebound? You don't want to be the rebound fling, do you? I think I would want a good solid 6 month, a year before I even gave it a THOUGHT to move in with this fellow.

Don't rush it, if it's meant to be, it will happen, but don't rush it.

In fact, I've got a (young) neighbor who just broke up with her boyfriend (unfortunately, we liked the mature ex boyfriend- not the immature young naive girlfriend neighbor) about 4 months ago. Just as soon as he was gone, a 'new boyfriend' has moved in two weeks after ex moved out, as well as our neighbor's sister and her boyfriend... it's now been about 4 months, and they are all constantly fighting. I know the reason behind all of this is because neighbor went out and got someone shiny and new to make ex jealous, but the glamor has worn off now. So, don't let that be you. Wait a little. Make him come around to you.

Wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Realist's picture

and don't look back. That is of course if you don't want this woman in your life FOREVER and that is what it will be like as all the people above have attested.

I WISH I had found this site before I got married.

Realist

Gwen's picture

I wish I'd had these ladies, and gentleman, to advise me four years ago. EVEN if you love him and he loves you. EVEN if she seems to be a 1/2 way decent person. EVEN if he tells you that they have been "emotionally separated" for a long long time, and that the divorce is "just a formality." Trust me, I learned the hard way that there's no such thing, even with the greatest guy in the world who loves you to pieces--he is still emotionally connected (chained), even if the strings don't have the words "romance" or "love" on them, they will rip you and your heart apart. Unless you're into/can handle sharing the love of your life with another woman, then go around the fire, don't go through it. Wait. It's one of those good four letter words. I love my DH with all my heart, but I wish I'd held him off for a year or two, no question. It was a lot more painful than it had to be. Wait, watch, and pick your way slowly and carefully through the minefield. If he's worth it and deserving of you, it'll come together when it should.

Look around this site for a few hours. You'll get a very honest picture of all the possibilities on the spectrum. Watch and see where on this spectrum the chips fall before you dive in headfirst.

dawnmblack's picture

My bf also used to jump for bm. I say used to because it hasn't happened in a few weeks. Hey, I know I'll probably get some flack for this but I told him we need to put each other first. We should not give a crap about bm or my ex-husband and what they are thinking or feeling. I try to do the right thing and not hurt peoples feelings but if for some reason they aren't happy it's really not our problem. We are a team and I think we have to remember that. The kids of course demand our attention but they grow quickly and move on. We are together for the long haul and need to put each others feelings first and talk about any issues that come up. That is the best way to raise happy and healthy kids. If your boyfriend thinks bm and the kids come first you are setting yourself up for repeated heartache.

je creative's picture

and we've had some really good and one really bad moments. The ex is, and has been, out of the house for good. She doesn't even come in to pick up the kids (girl:9 & boy:11) She calls & I answer the phone and it's cordial. good enough

The one hurtful/inconsiderate action was a whammy though...

All of my worldly belonging were moved from my apt into the garage...gotta paint the house, ya know. Next thing I know, we need more room in the garage & he has taken up the ex's offer of storing my stuff in the garage of her rental house. Why--and I most vocally asked him--would he ever think that it would be ok to store your girlfriend's posessions in your ex-wife's house?!?!?

His response was truthful...he's a follower & she offered. I told him it was simple: ANY decisions made on my behalf, or in this case, on behalf of my "crap" (my words not his), no matter how trivial, always need to be run by me. He & the ex can make decisions together regarding the kids, but even kid decisions that involve me still need to be discussed with me. I realize I may have no veto power, but I still expect the pseudo-courtesy & information.

so far, so good...we'll see if it lasts.

CplStv's picture

This is the kind of Dumbass Stunt that makes Females HATE MEN...even Lisa didn't get 'tudinous when I said I DID NOT WANT MY STUFF AT HER Ex's... the old house closed before it was supposed to, and We had to move everything into wherever We could for a few weeks, two garages, an attic, a storage unit, and a basement, I think was the final count...) just like I wouldn't have even offered space in My Ex's Storage for Lisa's Personal Belongings, just My Son's stuff went there, I think.

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL