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Privacy and missing things when skid here

shellpell's picture


Longtime lurker, firsttime poster, so I'm familiar with a lot of the regular names here. DH and I have been married for 6 years and have a 3 yr old and 6 month old. SS11 lives in the next province over after his mother took a job promotion 3 years ago. We see him on school holidays, 6 weeks in summer and other long weekends throughout the year. The problem is, the last couple of years there has been stuff missing that I've noticed after he's left. Nothing worth a lot, but with sentimental value: a souvenir glass, a couple of pictures of my bio kids that I've had in my desk in envelopes, a scarf given to my toddler by her grandmother, my toddler's favorite teddy that she used to sleep with, that sort of thing. Additionally, I've heard him say mean things a couple of times to my toddler when he thought I couldn't hear him (I was in the next room momentarily).

And on top of all that, this last time he came to visit during Christmas break, he had a tracking device on his shoes called the Jiobit! DH was angered by it and removed it until he went back to his mother's.

We are gearing up for yet another spring break visitation and I don't know what, if anything, I can do to prevent the missing of items. I thought it might be my toddler, but I would think that things would turn up in the house if that were the case. But I turn the house upside down looking for these items. We also live as much of a minimalist lifestyle as we can with two young kids, so I don't think these items are misplaced. Any experience with this sort of thing? Advice? 

Just so you know, BM isn't remarried, has been quite needy and inappropriate with my DH even after we had our toddler, but hasn't been particularly high conflict.

AND, DH wants SS11 to be able to stay in the house on his own in the future, which I am uncomfortable with, given the missing items.


SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Lock your precious stuff up and no key access for your dumb husband. No DH present no Stepbrat.

SM12's picture

Before he leaves to go to BMs, check his bags.   I would have no issues doing that.   If he asked why, just say you were looking for something and thought it may have mistakenly been put in his bag by mistake.   

My Mss and oss both stole from my BS.   Even my DH started checking their bags before they would leave our house.   And they were never left alone in our home again.  In fact we changed all the codes to our locks so they could not come when we were gone. 

You have every right to look through the kids things.   However, it could be he is throwing them away instead of taking them home.  Check the trash before taking it out also. 

shellpell's picture

That's a good idea. I will have DH start checking his bags and the garbage. What sucks about not being able to leave him in the house alone (especially during the long 6 week visitation) is that means DH and/or I are stuck at home with him a lot of the time unless we get a babysitter. oh well.

shellpell's picture

This might sound dumb, but do you tell DH and/or skid that you have nanny cams up? Or do you just show DH if you find skid doing something wrong on them?

Aniki's picture

I told DH when I put up cameras. Then I showed him the pics. The BS stopped IMMEDIATELY, but DH continued to check backpacks for months.

JanRebecca's picture

Before SS comes to our house we have a 'SS proofing session' all valuables get put away, any toys my son doesn't want to go missing or broken he puts back in his room SS is NOT allowed in his room.  Otherwise - stuff goes missing or gets broken - he breaks things every time he's there because as he says 'at home my mom just buys me new stuff so it doesn't matter if I break toys' --- grrrrr.

Aniki's picture

He'd be spending an awful lot of time outdoors or sitting in the middle of the couch, twiddling his thumbs...

shellpell's picture

It's sad to have to live that way.  It's hard to overcome diferent styles of parenting especially when SS spends more time at BM's. Not a natural situation at all. :(

Aniki's picture

Hon, he's 11yo. Old enough to know there are different rules. Does he steal things at school? Or does he know the rules?

ndc's picture

The problem for OP is that the skid isn't taking what one would typically consider valuables - he's taking regular things that have value to their owners (pictures, stuffed animal, etc.).  You can't lock up everything.  

Nanny cams and searching him when he leaves (and when he arrives if he's coming with tracking devices) seems like a good start. It's easier if you actually catch him and know that he's the culprit, too.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Locks AND cameras AND bag checks.

Heck, my master bedroom door has a keyed lock on it. The previous owner explained  that they had a teenage daughter, and rolled her eyes.

Even intact families have these issues.

Monkeysee's picture

Agree with everyone above. Nanny cams, lock away anything valuable & check his bags & the garbage when he’s around. Also, SS no longer has permission to go into your kids rooms. 

tankh21's picture

So BM put a tracking device on the kid or what? I agree with what everyone else is saying look through the kid's stuff before he goes back to BM's.

shellpell's picture

Yes, she put a tracking device on him and we are not sure why. We haven't given any reason for her to do that. DH just took it off and gave it back to him at end of visit. Told him not to bring it again.

lintini's picture

Agreeing with everyone else. You gotta check his bags. SS17 managed to slip my xbox that I let him use in his backpack and took it to school with him.  I thought maybe he wasn't coming back.... in that case...keep it! Lol. We were so pissed off that he stole it.  We got it back a few months later.  Super rude and assholerish. It never ends!!