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Taking abusive, neglectful bio mum to court for sole custody of 14 yr old

shamds's picture

When she is a pas aggressor too.

hi all,

just curios for those who have dealt with a neglectful bio mum, in our case she palmed off s14 to sd23.5 to care for, for the past 3 years. She had forcibly taken the 2 girls and cut off contact with hubby 3 years prior to palming off the youngest.

She has been taking the child support payments and supposedly gives some money to sd23.5 to care for sd14.

right now sd23.5 calls the shots and denies access to sd14.5 with hubby claiming her mum bans them from seeing dad. Sd23.5 has been brainwashed by bio mum and stepdad who have continued with the pas against hubby. 

Exwife just after divorce told messaged hubby she was gonna have sd23.5 enter the police academy or military to learn how to use guns so she could have her shoot hubby to death.

i’ve told hubby enough is enough with this crazy bitch and she needs to be held accountable and if he truly cares for the sd14 who is the only child with exwife who is a minor, he will remove her from the toxicity.

hubby is afraid exwife will amp up the torture and abuse so when sd14.5 has to testify in court that her story changes etc. I told hubby she is already living a life full of abuse already and will be so irreversibly effed up.

apparently because i am no longer in the country with hubby since i am finishing my uni studies, she has banned contact on bullshit claims hubby sees witch drs  and does black magic to her.

her siblings and dad do not want anything to do with her as she is just a total psycho. Its a never ending saga with sd23.5 in one minute family ok next thing no we’re fighting then we’re in contact again...

i told hubby exwife doesn’t control our lives anymore and it’s ridiculous he seeks permission from sd23.5 to see his minor child, because sd23.5 ego is sky high thinking she is a mum when she isn’t

we have screenshots of text messages from sd13.5 to hubby with these allegations bio mum made and that she and stepdad went to witch drs and her family did black magic and messages where hubby has had to request access to seeing them including sd14.5 when sd 23.5 had denied claiming she is following mum

just want to see if any in similar situations actually have any advice to give??



SteppedOut's picture

What is he planning on telling the court if he is asked why he has allowed this nonsense to go on for so long?

The court may not want to change the "stable" living situation, particularly since there are plans for an international move...

And. How would skid react to a forcable custody change to dad? I assume not well. An angry 14yr old may not be the best live-in 1/2 sibling realationship and/or influence for your toddlers.

Just a couple thoughts... 


tog redux's picture

Our experience was exactly what he fears. My SS at 14 said he wanted to live with us, but then when BM ramped up the pressure, bribery, guilt, whatever, he ended lying right to the judge's face about DH.

Don't bother with court.  He might as well just go to the toilet and flush 20K down.

shamds's picture

Telling him to go to court. He said whats the point the mum is psycho, she has passed the kids, threatened to have the girls trained to kill him etc... 

hubby said he knows very high chance the girls will lie even when he has the facts of what bio mum did. End of the day hubby didn’t fight this sooner..

some here say he shouldn’t move away for work to another country even when paying child support for the minor because anytime he wants contact its 95% of the time shut down that bio mum won’t allow it and sd23 says no for both of them to come even if its just sd23 not free

hubby told me yesterday he started to see that sd23?was running the show with her mum 

justmakingthebest's picture

I would think it that as long as you have real proof that SD isn't living with BM, you have a shot, however not taking action for 3 years will probably bite your DH in the ass. Honestly, there is a chance that SD23 will be awarded custody and CS at the end of this... at least BM should get cut off...

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

I can only give advice from my personal experience but I would agree with Tog that court is a bad idea.  First of all, a judge is going to be very reluctant to change custody for a 14 year olde, especially if the 14 year old is not on board.  Second of all, the damage has already been done. Your SD has spent the last decade being PAS'D out.  It would be almost impossible for you to reverse it now.  You will probably find that the only thing court will do is waste your money and amp up the PAS.  Read all the stories on this site.  Once a kid is PAS'd out, a custody change never seems to work out.

Disneyfan's picture

If your husband was interested in being a father to his 14 year old, he woukd have fought BM tooth and nail 3 years ago when the 23 year old got the kid.

If he were interested in being a father to your two kids, he would move heaven and earth to be in the same country you are in.

Regardless of how awful BM and the SKs are, you husband has no desire to be an ACTIVELY ENGAGED father to ANY of his MINOR children.

shamds's picture

Sd23 only re-initiated contact mid last year and said that had been the living situation since 2 years prior.

hubby already sees the damage is done with his 3 kids with ex, he is frustrated that he is majority getting contact banned with his minor daughter.

tog redux's picture

If your SD won't say that she wants to live with him, it's highly unlikely the court will do anything. The most that would happen is that BM would take her back to avoid losing custody if the court felt she should be with DH over SD23.

Your SD would have to have nerves of steel to stand up to the PA Committee in her life, her mother and her sisters, and she's unlikely to do so, for self-preservation.  DH should just keep the lines open and let her know his door is always open.

shamds's picture

She doesn’t appear to be able to say to the court what really went down and would lie most likely... even if facts and evidence  are presented

hubby is messaging sd23 every few months because they’re always doing this hot cold thing of just going radio silent for months and hubby has to message and its the vague answer

ESMOD's picture

If he did not know where she was.... no child support.  I would not have paid and smoked bm out then.

I agree...this guy let this all happen... most likely his new wife was ok with no skid contact.

tog redux's picture

Except they put men in jail for not paying child support, and BM doesn't even have to be part of the process for that to happen. 

ESMOD's picture

I'm fairly certain he could have put the money aside and shown he had no way of even knowing his daughter was alive. I'm fairly certain you dont get jailed for one or two missed pmts. 

tog redux's picture

You don't "smoke out" BM, either, by withholding one or two payments. Around here, all BM would have to do is go down to Child Support Enforcement and file papers, and they would come after the father.  Either they'd garnish his wages if they could, or they'd take his tax refunds, driver's license and any professional licenses if not. And yes, I believe it's around $1500 overdue when they start doing that, which is probably 1/3 of how much this rich guy pays every month.

CS Enforcement here is no joke.

ESMOD's picture

If that's the case... he should have brought the proposed action 3 years ago because 'well judge... I was busy having kids with my new wife and time got away from me' isn't a good look. Hard to claim abuse if you left your kid in it for so long.

tog redux's picture

I don't think he should do it at all, he's going to lose money in the process and he's going to lose for all of those reasons, and because BM is a master manipulator and alienator.

Just pointing out that at least here, withholding CS for any reason is not a good idea.

Disneyfan's picture

Withholding CS may not have been option, but that doesn't mean you sit back and do nothing.

He could have gone to the police and/or court and let them know that his child was missing.  He could have gone to her old school and asked where her records were forwarded to.  

I just can not relate to throwing uo your hands and doing nothing when your ex makes a unilateral decision to send your MINOR child away.  The parent in me can not relate to that.

Petronella's picture

What a crazy, ridiculous, trashy mess.

Stay in Australia, raise your children and stop worrying about your SKs. Let your “hubby” stay in Malaysia or wherever he is and deal with all this nonsense. It’s his natural milieu. Consider simply filing for divorce to ensure your SS never lives in the same house with you and you never have to hear about any of them again.

shamds's picture

Our 2 kids will school in my country from kindergarten to university as they are citizens of my country... environment here is less effed up like it is in hubbys country

Petronella's picture

I would refuse to set foot in his country ever again. You and your kids need to stay where you are and put down roots and have some stability. 

ndc's picture

I think the ship has already sailed for your husband and his children from his first marriage.  Regardless of whose fault it is, he does not have a good relationship with them, the 14 year old is highly unlikely to want to live with him, and there's no way he'll be able to take that teenager overseas.  Not to mention that you wouldn't want to live with her.  So I would not waste time or money taking BM to court.

Your more immediate problem is your husband and his reluctance to move to be with you and his other minor children.  If he agreed that you would move to Australia with the littles and he would follow you within a few months, and you are not willing to return to his country, put your education on hold and settle for what you view as an inferior education for your children, then it's ultimatum time.  Either your husband moves to Australia within the agreed upon timeframe or you will divorce.  But you have to mean it.  It sounds like you have threatened divorce before.  I would not threaten again unless you are prepared to follow through.  But really, what (other than financial support) are you getting out of this relationship?  Certainly not companionship, if your husband is in another country.  Not help in raising your mutual children if he's not there (and it doesn't sound like he's a prize father anyway).  You, unlike him, are still relatively young.  Don't saddle yourself to this man who doesn't seem willing to make a full commitment to you and your young family,  Tell him what he needs to do, and move on if he isn't willing to do it in your time frame

shamds's picture

the ship has sailed with the eldest 3 kids of his.

schooling in his country is not an option, i’m not gonna sabotage my kids educational future to hand an ultimatum to hubby and sacrifice my studies in the process. 

I am still discussing with hubby my expectations and the agreements we mutually had together and his last minte changing plans is ridiculous when the elder 3 refuse to have a proper relationship with their dad despite him continuing to maintain a relationship with them no matter how little it is most of the time.

we have 2 toddlers dependent on me and him, his kids aren’t dependent on him except financially.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

shamds, you're doing that thing many of us have done: you're allowing yourself to be distracted from your H's bad behavior by being sucked back into his baggage drama.

Who gives a flying ____ what happens next with this skid or that skid? Why are you encouraging your H to engage in warfare with BM?? You should only be concerning yourself with his recent lack of commitment to you and the family he created with you. You have more than enough on your own plate and are still too involved, even from a different continent. Your post is the complete opposite of disengaged.

FWIW, I can assure you that the very, very VERY last thing you want is for an emotionally damaged and weaponized 14 yo SD to ever be a full time member of your household. At that age, she is who she is - I know, because I foolishly allowed my YSD14 (whom I had met only ONCE) to live with us. Cue five years of hellishness. However, that's not what this is all about, is it? 

You are all over the map and thinking emotionally; understandable given the stress you've been under. Still, you need to STOP giving a d@mn about your H's other family - Your H and BM have screwed that up thoroughly and permanently. It's your responsibility to protect yourself and your kids from that sh!tshow, not encourage him to throw good money away on a battle that's best possible outcome will result in unhappiness for you and your children.

Please, please focus on centering yourself, disengaging, and making your H honor his promises to you. You and your bios are what matters, period. Your H's mess is his business, and as a grown man he doesnt need you to champion him or entertain his bs.