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chmny asked how I was doing...

pickles45's picture

Im not married. My SO and have been together almost 4 years, living together for almost 2. So no we are not seperated. Things have been very up and down for the last few months but I am not walking away from this relationship until I know we both have tried 100%.

Actually things have been up and down since we moved in. First there was me adjusting to his daughter being here 1/3 of the month. I know that things were hard for him too. He and I did have some talks about how he felt so much pressure to make both of us happy etc etc. Looking back at the beginning of us living together - He did a lot of things wrong, but every time I called him out on them, he never did those things a 2nd time. 

And to put some of the blame on me - I was moody, overly sensitive and had resentment towards her which I now know was misdirected. I did not help make the weekends she was here fun and relaxing for either of us. (I did make sure that his daughter never saw or sensed anything though.)

I will be honest though - I much prefer the days she is not here. I am looking foward to the day we see her, but shes not "living here". I put that in quotes becuase it feels like she visits us more then this is her home.  

But for the most part I am now fine when she is here. We all seem to have relaxed and gotten into our groove (I think her turning 14 was what helped. She's not acting like a clingy needy child.) She and I have grown closer and he has chilled out about her and I spending time together. But I see now why he was so worried. If she didnt like me she could run home to her mother and say all kinds of things. She could start not wanting to be here as much and I know that would break my SO's heart. I also think he does get a little jealous that she likes to be around me and her mom more then him. He doesn't get that that is just a girl thing. I mean I loved my father but girls are always more comfortable and have more fun being with other women.

As for our realtionship - I think he has some real unresolved issues with his ex and that is now affecting our realtionship. I think the first two years we were together was like our honeymoon stage and the last two years have been well us just being us. I know from my blogs it sounds like I am always unhappy and that he is a complet A**.. My blogs are just snippets of our life together.  Most of the time things are really good and filled with love happiness and laughter. The issue I am having is those times he goes dark. He doesn't let me in. I have to guess whats going on in his head and with me being insecure, I always think its me that is making him cold moody controlling etc. That I've done something wrong. Thats he's not happy becuase of me

I'm hoping counseling will help me which in turn will help us. Only time will tell. I do know that he is very introverted and I am a huge extrovert. My counselor is trying to help me figure out ways we can meet in the middle. I can also honesly say the reason I think things have been so bad these past couple months is his fear of the future. He fell a couple months back and it was really bad. He could have died. He landed onto a concrete driveway from the 2nd story. The drill he had in his hand went into his leg. He messed up his ankle, wrist, face etc. He could have broken his back or cracked his skull, He didn't thank God but his wrist is still messed up. He is in way more pain then he ever admits too and I know he is worried about the future now becuase he owns his own biusiness and he needs both hands to do his job. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour. But being in pain day after day, working out in the cold and worrying about how money will come in if the day comes where he can't do his job anymore has got to be taking a toll.

I'm working on not getting so upset every time hes not the sweet loveable man I am used to. I am trying to leave him alone when he is in his moods (he did say that I tend to "Keep on him" and thats what sets him off.). Its just hard becuase I miss the honeymoon stage and I want a partner that lets me in. 



Chmmy's picture

You were just so sad a couple days ago. We all have our moments. Step momming isnt easy but like you said its not easy for the dads either who are trying to please everyone. Hope counseling continues to help.

Siemprematahari's picture

Pickles, I just want to wish you happiness. Life is short, tomorrow is not guaranteed and you deserve it.

Dads_Wife's picture

PIckles, if you ever want to talk about the chronic pain thing, my FDH owned his own business as well (floors) and he really tore his back up. There have been nights I find him walking up and down the driveway at 2 in the morning because he cannot get comfortable. They are different people when they are like that - like a monster. Please talk to a pain specialist if they feel this will be a chonic problem. You should talk to them alone too to get a better feel for what he's going through and how to better assist. I know it sucks. I've had the feeling like, when is someone going to give a s*** about my feelings, as I tiptoe around FDH, but since we have been working together with someone, it has helped my attitude about it all tremendously.

I'm really sorry for what you are both going through. I've been there and sometimes I'm still there.