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Update to SD calling DH by first name

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

SD is home with me for the next two work weeks before camp start. So this morning after SD had breakfast, I had a conversation with her casually to get some information on the subject. What I found out is that SD gets in trouble if she calls DH "dad" at BM's house and is supposed to be calling step dad "dad." Also, for years SD has been calling me "mama," but at Bm's house she needs to call me by my first name or BM gets mad at her. Whatever, about calling me by my first name at BM's, I asked SD what she likes to call me and she said "mom" and "mama," I said okay, I am just checking. I asked SD if it was confusing for her and she said yes. I told her she can talk to us about this and we won't get mad at her, but she should call DH "dad" since he is her actual dad like BM is her actual mom and shouldn't be calling them anything other than that. I don't care about her calling me by my first name there if that is what she needs to do as long as she calls me what she wants to when she is here. I do very much care about her getting in trouble about calling DH by his first name though.

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Unfortunately, you may be able to do next to nothing about BM making her call her dad by his name when talking to her mom. It's clear that she is not confused about whether he is her real father.. but more that having to remember to use a different name in different contexts is harder for her to remember (she is still a little kid).

Your DH can make a point to tell his EX that he does not want to hear that his child is not allowed to refer to him as her father.. when she is calling some non-related man "dad".  But, in the end.. BM has so much more control over this since she is the overwhelmingly primary care parent.. and her dad just has a few visits a year.. 

He can ask a lawyer if there is anything he can do to push BM to stop the games.. but I have a feeling it would be a waste of money.

Rags's picture

dad(dy)" card when SS-30 was young and we lived under the Custody/Visitaiton/Support CO.

I was the first person SS ever called Dad(dy).  His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

We dealt with it directly.  SS knew that BioDad was the dad that made him with his mom. That a StepDad is the dad who is married to his mom and who lives him and his mom very much.  He also knew that a REAL dad is the dad who goes to work every day to earn a living so the family can have a nice safe home and neighborhood, safe cars to ride in, good schools, healthy food, coaches his sports teams, teaches him to read, write, use the bathroom, tie his shoes, ride his bike, and who loves he and his mom very much.

We did not mandate that SS call me Dad. He just did.  He referred to SpermDad as "Daddy (First Name)" when he was at home. I never have known what he called the Spermidiot when he was f2f with him or anyone else in the SpermClan when he was a small child.  I believe that SS and his sister (Spermidiot spawn 2) pretty much have always called the Spermidiot by his first name as they progressed into their teens.  The youngest two just call him Dad..  If I am not mistaken.

SpermGrandHag was the one who played the "not your REAL dad" and "you can't call him dad" cards for much of the 16+ years under the CO.  Oddly, when he asked me to adopt him and told her that the adoption had  been finalized (when he was 22yo), SpermGrandHag congratulated him and told him that she was "glad that he had been raised by a good man and had a good man as his father.".

Shok

Never would I have expected anything remotely like that to ever leave the Hag's mouth.

SS has had nearly nothing to do with any of them since he aged out from under the CO on his 18th B-day. Most recently they screamed at him for not visiting them when he flew back from Germany for his cousin's (my niece's) wedding.  He was on a 4 day turn around to attend the wedding.  At that point... they earned having no place in his adult life.... which was predeeded by trying to get him to pay them back for the 16+ years of CS they paid.  Their claim was that he owed that to help raise his three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs since the CS money paid for  him deprived them of the nice things SS had growing up. Of course there was no recognition that the Spermidiot had spawned 4 all out of wedlock childrne with three different baby mamas, pawned off his CS obligation on the SpermGrandParents as well as dumping the three younger ones on the SpermGrandParents to faise while he tried to impregnate every underaged womb in the Pac NW.

SS was raised in an intact home by commited caring parents who raised him with standards of behavior and standards of performance and value character, professionalism and education.  He is doing great in his adult life. His three younger sibs are not. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind #3.

 

 

thinkthrice's picture

Of the HCGUBM to "defrock" biodad as the actual father and exalt her flav of the week as daddy.

justmakingthebest's picture

I hate this for her and for you and your DH. I swear this stuff in all in some book that I was not handed at my divorce from my kids dad! It has to be titled "How to alienate your kids and cause emotional hell for your ex". 

I will say, my kids were 2/3 when I got divorced and we had it in our order that I was the only one allowed to be mom/mommy and he is the only one allowed to be dad/daddy. I know a lot of SP's take on the primary parent role but to me those names are reserved for bio's as long as they are active and involved in their children's lives. Your DH is as much involved and active as he can be considering the distance, and court orders. He is dad, period.

shamds's picture

Hcgubm had skids call affair stepdad "daddy followed by his name", then the very least hubby would acknowledge is they call me mummy since they call their mum "mum" in their foreign language so you can distinguish the 2.

no way in hell would hubby allows skids not acknowledge me as mummy but call me like aunty when i'm not their aunt or by my first name or not acknowledge me at all since i'm the only one who actually gave birth to their only half siblings.

we were also adamant to not confuse our kids with aunty or my first name etc since our kids had speech delays and to my husband, if the man bio mum cheated on and married after he left his wife for biomum, then call him daddy A, then they can call me mummy

Rags's picture

I am the first person SS-30 ever called Dad(dy). So, I am his Dad.  BioDad was "Daddy First Name".  We never told or required SS to call me Dad. He just did.

His mom was awarded full physical and legal custody at birth as a single teen mom.  A year later CS was awarded and the Spermidiot was granted paternity by the courts.  To get CS, my then not yet DW had to name the father. He was in the delivery room when SS was born, they all lived together for a few months  until the Spermidiot cheated with another 16yo after SS was born.  DW kicked him out and my ILs would not allow him on their property.  

After HS graduation DW took SS and attended University out of State.  There was no visitation order in place.   

They discussed reconciling and the Spermidiot was supposed to be on several flights to come visit. DW would take a bus for hours to the airport to meet flights that the Spermidiot was supposed to be on. He never showed.

When the small town grape vine informed SpermGrandHag that DW was dating someone she lost her mind and filed a fraudulent custody suit in her idiot son's name (without telling him) and forged his signature on the suit paperwork.

That started nearly a year of scheduled then postponed court dates that their lawyer would cancel at the last minute after DW had flown she and SS back to SpermClan for court.  They were attempting to bankrupt her so she would just hand over the kid.

In the end, she won, they lost.  And I am SS's dad.

Always have been. Always will be.  

His mom and I married the week before his 2nd B-day and the ultimate court date where their custody suit was quashed.

He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.

While I understand how "Mom" and "Dad" are sacrosanct and a major trigger point for likely most BioParents.... Not all BioParents are worthy of or earn those honorifics.

Kids are smart. They know who their REAl parents are. Regardless of who their BioParents may be.

IMHO of course.