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No tutor and oversharing

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

After reviewing SD's report card yesterday, DH asked BM if SD had been going to a tutor this school year. BM said that they are working out a schedule to set up a tutor after fall break. BM has been claiming since January during last school year and all this summer that SD would have a tutor set up at the new state prior to SD starting school and would have one all school year. A conversation followed that and BM goes on to say "she is doing well and keeping up with her class." BM then claims SD has tried 2 tutors this school year, but didn't like either so now they are trying for a third one in two weeks. DH and I don't believe that BM has had even one tutor this school year, but she looks bad after all the claims of having one already set up and then saying a tutor is starting after fall break so now she is trying to cover it all up. We haven't seen any information about any tutor, SD when asked says she hasn't been to a tutor since our house, etc. 

BM's response about wanting to push her into first grade "I had thought she would be flying through kindergarten as well. But after a few weeks saw that was not the case and started giving more of my undivided attention to her." 

So not only does SD not have a tutor, but BM is repeating last year of not working with her at home or she is now, but yet again is thinking that going to school is enough even though all last year showed that is not the case and SD is not even missing school this year.

DH then brings up the report card which shows that is not the case especially when she should of aced this first report card since majority of the information tested is stuff she knew well when tested in July and how BM wanted to push SD into first grade. BM then starts spilling out information about SD and things at home. See below for some of the oversharing BM has done.

-"we have tried some online programs but she really dislikes watching them"

-"The thing I keep hearing is that's boring and I have so much homework followed by tears. Dig through her backpack and find its just one practice sheet and sight words"

-"recently she now responds with take roblox away or I don't care."

-"recently she has been cagey about things she doesn't want to talk about and I've caught her lying and unsure why as it isn't about anything to worry or lie about."

...............

DH sent over the programs we used for SD this summer that not only she liked, but was learning from too. The conference is with SD's teacher today and we are interested to see what she is going to say about SD especially after DH responded to the teacher's email yesterday with the assessment done on July 28th that showed SD knowing information she regressed on since. Also, we don't think a 6 year old should be on roblox, but that is our house.

Comments

ndc's picture

The sad thing is, you can't make BM a good mother, any more than you can make her get to the airport on time, upload things to your parenting program or become organized.  It's a shame for SD, but that's the reality - she has a shit mother and a dad who is on the other side of the country.  With your DH having limited time with and access to SD, there's just not a whole lot he can do other than provide her with as much support as possible when she's with you and try to stay involved with her schooling as much as he can long distance.  At least the school is willing to communicate with your DH and BM hasn't managed to stop that communication like some do.

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

So far both schools SD has attended have communicated with him and shared information. Middle school will be harder probably as she will have multiple teachers instead of one main teacher. For the teacher last year, it seemed as though DH communicated with the teacher more than BM and her teacher appreciated that.

We have been making changes this year to help SD feel more supported for a distance and for it to be more personal. Moving forward we are going to have all of our calls with SD be video calls as that was much better for everyone last weekend and will be more beneficial for SD. We are going to be sending holiday cards to SD on the holidays she is not with us and a few gifts to SD for Christmas. The halloween card is all ready to go with halloween stickers inside and a couple small photos of SD with the pets, us, etc. the 2" x 3" size. Just trying to be more involved without crossing lines we wouldn't want crossed, but let SD know we are thinking of her.

AgedOut's picture

I love this. I always send cards to the kiddos in our family and my friend's grandkiddos. Kids love getting mail. They love feeling important. I also send 'keep up the good work' card and I'm so proud of you cards just because. Those little things matter more than people realize. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

holiday cards from both sets of my grandparents and then a card and gift from my parents. We don't want to cause an issue by sending gifts on other holidays because perhaps they don't celebrate that way and don't want to cause sibling rivalry and such between the two kids. 

A keep up the good work card and I'm so proud of you card are great ideas! 

AgedOut's picture

there are a couple little kid magazine you could give her a subscription to too. Highlights is a great one and I think it has a younger kid version too, Highlights High Five I think. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Get me those growing up. She actually gives SD these on occasion 

AgedOut's picture

my ex-MIL sent them to my granddaughter all of her early years and she got so excited when they came. 

NotYourAverageStepMama's picture

Tutoring after school and SD's teacher signed her up for it. BM did not take her and finish signing up SD

CajunMom's picture

Education has always been important to me. I grew up extremely poor with an uneducated mom yet graduated high school at the top of my class. Even then, because of where I was from in the town, and no Pell Grants back then, I was overlooked and left behind by school administration. Then missed an opportunity to leave town via the Air Force. Still, I made my way through life by taking classes, getting certifications, and being a loyal and hard working employee. I did not want that struggle for my kids so when they were born, savings accounts were opened (for future education) and I stayed on top of grades, attendance and behavior. My kids are educated and doing well as adults these days. I had the same "desire" for DHs kids, especially the youngest son who actually lived with us for a year. He did great and then back to BM to be a high school drop out. Ouch.

I have no words of wisdom for your situation. You cannot combat a BM who does not care about her own child. All you can do is try to encourage your SD when she's with you and do the cards, as someone has suggested. I also suggest magazines. I sent the National Geographic Kids edition to my niece's son, whom I'm surrograte grand to (my sister passed away young). For gifts, lean towards educational stuff, like games, books, etc. 

Above all, don't let your expectations get too high. I know that sounds horrible but with almost no control over the situation, the odds are not in your SDs favor (just as they weren't with DHs youngest son - so much more I could elaborate on how we busted our butts to help that kid, even at BMs but got shot down, even by the school). Again, sending you a big hug. I've been on this journey and it definitely hurts to see a child's future being wasted right in front of your eyes.