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DH ..

notsobradybunch's picture

I am trying. I am trying really hard to keep my mouth shut...I just don't know how long it'll last.

I took Friday off from work. I had a dental procedure done and then spent a little bit of my afternoon doing some Christmas shopping for the kids. And for the kids I mean, my BD18, BS17 and yes SD18. I wasn't very successful and only found a shirt for BS17 and 2 sterling silver rings. One for BD and one for SD. They are not the same, cleary 2 different styles. So really, I didn't get too much accomplished. 

When DH arrived home I told him I didn't really see a whole lot out there to get and instead of buying crap I am planning to just give the kids money. This again is also my way to avoid the nonsense, last minute spending by DH on SD18. So Saturday we're out and about running errands. DH brought up SD and Christmas. Stating he feels awkward around her, but feels HE needs to be the one to step up and fix things between them. I didn't know what to say. I agree with this to some degree, but I also know SD18 has not made a single effort to apologize or redeem herself in any manner for what she did and everything she has put our family thru. She has continued the same lazy, selfish attitude on life and school. Absolutely nothing has changed, but I also know she is an environment that will not encourage a change and that is something I or DH cannot do anything about. I have encouraged DH for MANY years that he needed to work on his relationship with SD. Take her to lunch, go to a movie. Without me. I always felt it would help them tremendously. But it never happened. I encouraged this when she returned. Never happened. 

So anyway...the conversation continued into what he would get her for Christmas, he said "I always get her something that has meaning.."

WHAT? And this is where I stopped talking, looked out the window and rolled my eyes in my mind. A gift with meaning?? Hmmmmm..

You mean the diamond pendant you gave her last year that we never saw again? Or the 40 inch TV for her bedroom that she never watched because it didn't have Netflix on it? Or the laptop that she said she wanted for "schoolwork", that ended up becoming her social media device when she got her phone taken away and DH didn't have the brains to figure out she was still on social media using it in secret? Those "meaningful" gifts? Give her money, let her blow it on stupid shit and call it done. 

Christmas cannot come and go fast enough for me.



futurobrillante99's picture

A TV or computer is meaningful? Meaningful is a gift that reflects something unique or special about a person or their interests. And meaningful doesn't have to cost a lot of money, either.

Some of the most meaningful jewelry I have cost less than $200. But it was exactly to my taste and personality.

Meaningful is when XH2 had an artist friend recreate a stained glass window of a beer goddess from a craft brewery as a custom painting. I love it and still hang it proudly in my house.

These men. Hopelessly delusional and nostalgic.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Most meaningful gift I ever got... Dh for our anniversary got me a map of the stars the night we got married. i have it hanging up. It's beautiful, unique, and it really didn't cost him much either.

A computer isn't meaningful unless they're into coding and need something to help with them...

If he wants meaningful it needs to be tailored to her likes, and like someone said above, it really doesn't have to be expensive!

notsobradybunch's picture

I get this and so does probably everyone else too...but theres a part of me that thinks his idea of a "meaningful gift" is going to be something that will tie a bow on this whole situation. Not lets talk about it, not lets get thru this, not get this kid on track in a forward direction. Lets buy her something (probably expensive because that will make DH feel as if he's doing something) and it will solve it all.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

UGH... It sounds like he's moved too far to "money can buy happiness" right now.

I get wanting to feel like you're doing something... But she'll start just seeing him as a gift grab Sad

thinkthrice's picture

because I buy my kid's love aren't I WONDERFUL???!!"

This is more guilt assuaging and trying to boost his non-existant parent ego.  I believe they call it "virtue signaling" nowadays.  Act and talk like your doing something positive but no results.  Something about the "road to hell is paved in good intentions."  This way you don't really have the yucky task of actually taking action.

Healyourslf's picture

Tis the season for gift-grovelling. If he's feeling so pressured to please, maybe he should stick a lump of coal you know where and produce another diamond for SD....<<<Grinch Grin>>> . 

Meaningful must translate to guilt-ladened price tag.  Sad that the spending never bridges the emotional gap and only encourages entitlement from already ungrateful pampered princesses. 

I watched DH squander himself silly for a few years and responded with mere eye roll reactions. After a particularly pricey expenditure, I blatently asked, "have you EVER treated SS with the same gush of monetary mending?"  This statement was first received with defensiveness, then rationalization, but it ultimately got him thinking about apples and oranges (the apple being the rotten-to-the-core fruit of BM's tree). The difference is that SS and DH have a genuine relationship that never required bribery or appeasement.  

"SD18 has not made a single effort to apologize or redeem herself in any manner for what she did and everything she has put our family thru." 

We are going through this drama with SD24 knowing with surety that a bona fide apology is never going to happen.  This is the first xmas that I don't have to concern myself with gifts for SD (disengaged last summer). DH is almost there with disengagement. I'd venture to say that Santa's bag isn't loaded down with guilt this year. Hopefully, truth will withstand all the seasons to come.