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Outrageous Request

morrgin's picture

SD17's mom is homeless. She got to the deadline her father had made with her on how long she could stay with him and his wife. Guess what SD17 asked me and DH? It's completely laughable, but really not a laughing matter. SD doesnt get it. It's actually very mean of BM to put SD in that position to ask us. Even if she wasn't the BM, something is really wrong with you when you grow up your entire life in one area and then can't find anyone to stay with for 1 to 2 nights. And isn't that always how it starts with unwanted visitors? Just one night? I was dumb the previous week and agreed to letting BM take a shower at our house before going to work. Now if you take a shower at someone else's house don't you take your change of clothes with you into the bathroom so you can come out fully dressed? BM came out wrapped in a towel and acted like she was afraid of being seen and needed to hurry up the stairs to SD's bedroom to get to her clothes. 

So SD flipped because her we said no about her mom staying with us. She grabbed a bunch of her clothes and left. She came back two days later, took a shower, grabbed more clothes and left again. Next day she comes back, stays one night acting all rude, and then leaves again saying in a message she is with her mom and will be back in 5 days. SD had been living with is during quarintine and she seemed and acted like a decent person. Before quarintine she had been living with a friend because she refused to move to a new town and into a new home with us the previous year. She tried it for a couple of days, didnt like her room, and moved in with her GF. When she came back during quarintine her brother let her have the upstairs and he moved into the other room she didnt like. He says he prefers the smaller room.

I really want her room. It's the biggest room. It takes up the entire second level. I want it to put all of the stuff that doesnt fit downstairs. I'm tired of having things like fishing gear, my office for my homework, my clothes (actual few that I have), in one small bedroom (cute but really tiny). I feel selfish for wanting to take the room for myself and at the same time I feel like I'm entitled because I pay for a house that I dont get to use the other half of and she is rarely ever here anyway because she hates us and doesnt want to live here. Typical words of a teenager but then she really does stay gone for long periods of time. All she has upstairs is just a few things in a huge room. It  looks like a bare room. All the rest of her things she keeps elsewhere. She's wanted furniture and we've bought it for her but then she moves out with it and leaves it or destroys it. Other furniture she requests is way too expensive. So this huge room  with barely anything in it and rarely ever anyone in it is just sitting there. I feel like I'm paying for half a house. But she's only 17, should have her own room, and should feel like she is part of the family. I lost all motivation for the caring stepparent role. A person can only take so much and have so much patience until it becomes damaging to take any more of the toxicity. But not everyone understands how it ends up like that because they think a stepparent should never give up and be always ready to forgive. What have I turned into?

Comments

hereiam's picture

Part of the family? She uses your house as a flop house and wants you to let her BM do the same.

Why does your DH just let her disappear for days?

If she's seldom there and only keeps a few things there, she can have the tiny room and you do what you want with the big bedroom.

morrgin's picture

That's why I assume I'm being selfish. I want to keep using my small bedroom and have the room upstairs as like a recreation room of sorts. 

I could probably do that anyway now that I think about it and she can still have a bed up there. Part of her thinking her mom should be able to stay a few nights was because she figured she had the extra space for it.

hereiam's picture

Haha! Well, SHE doesn't have the extra space for it, it's not her house and not her say.

My husband would laugh his ass off if his daughter asked if her mom could stay with us (or even come into our home).

 

SteppedOut's picture

The person(s) paying for the home should have the biggest/master bedroom! 

Don't let your husband gaslight you into thinking otherwise! 

DPW's picture

I don't get this... you guys are the adults who pay for the room, take it back.

As for BM, I can't even type out a response I'm laughing so hard. Yes SD and BM, let's all live together happily ever after in our blended family commune lol

shamds's picture

Naked and acting all embarassed.

there is only 1 woman my husband ever wants to see half naked or fully naked, thats me!! Never would he even consider bio mum crashing in our house even for a bit or shower or bs its for the sake of the kids!! That shipped sailed a long time ago!!

tog redux's picture

You guys are giving SD way too much power. You buy her furniture and she takes it? You let her move in and out how she pleases and still give her the biggest room in the house?  You guys let her be rude and come and go however she wants?

Of course she asked about BM, she doesn't have any sense that she can't do as she pleases and not have it be accepted by you and DH.

Move her very little stuff into the smaller room and you get the bigger one.  She's choosing not to live there, so she doesn't get the biggest room anymore.

As for BM, she can go to a homeless shelter.

Gimlet's picture

The past few days of posts have me banging my head on my keyboard.

Move that crap today and for the love of all that's holy, no more letting BM in your house.  And if SD doesn't like it, she can live with BM at the shelter. 

Gimlet's picture

It's too early for Ani's bar I am afraid.

And I'm not trying to be a jerk to OP, I just can't stomach the thought of feeling like you have to let BM in your house or give the absent, tantrum-throwing SD a giant room.  It's OK to set boundaries and stick to them and it doesn't make OP a bad person.  

tog redux's picture

Seriously. And if I had ever tried to move out with my bedroom furniture, my parents would have turned me around and had me march it right back upstairs where they put it. Old furniture they no longer need? Yes. New furniture they bought recently? Hell no. That can go right back where it came from.

They let BM in to take a shower, why wouldn't SD ask for her to spend the night?

(The thought of BM running around my house in a towel makes me want to start drinking early)

GrabitAndGo's picture

I hear ya.  I remember when I threatened to move out of my parents' house because I didn't like their rules.  My dad calmly told me I was free to do whatever I wanted, but the key to the house and they keys to the very nice car they let me use would remain with him.  I could take my clothes, and that was it.  I could tell by my dad's tone he wasn't joking, and I very wisely shut my trap.

morrgin's picture

She wouldnt give up the house keys. I plan on changing the locks.

Iamwoman's picture

Your SD is ludicrous.

Take "her" room.

She has clearly demonstrated to you through action that she is moving out.

You have no reason to believe otherwise.

Most parents turn a child's room into something else when the child moves out.

What you are considering is not selfish. It's perfectly normal and reasonable.