Maybe I'm straight laced too b/c that does strike me as strange. I can see your point about assisting the child with a bath, but actually taking a shower w/ the daughter seems odd. I can understand that his intentions are likely innocent, but I still wouldn't want him to do this either. Unfortunatley, I have no advice for how to resolve as I have found men to be just as protective of their parenting decisions as you've described. Do you intend to push further or let it go?

I agree that it is odd. I wasn't raised super straight-laced and I think it's strange. When my SS was 5, my husband took a bath with him and I thought it was inappropriate. My husband would NEVER do anything wrong with his kids and by no means did he consider it sexual, but it just didn't seem right. He said they were in a hurry and that's why, but I was disturbed. He never did it again. I told him the same thing, that's it's ok to assist.... But in your case, Especially when dealing with opposite sexes, its probably better not to do that. I took baths with my bio son until he was about 2. I think as soon as they are old enough to recognize certain body parts, parents should not bathe/shower with their children.... Just my opinion....

I did not grow up straight laced AT ALL, and I still think that it is inappropriate. Your husband is probably offended by your response because he is seeing it as completely innocent, and any suggestion otherwise is like him being accused. Yes, it's inappropriate, but just be careful how you approach him regarding the subject. Make sure you are not saying HE is doing anything wrong, maybe just approach it from angle that SD is getting to that age where she is curious about things and realizing boys and girls are different, and that he may want to stop it before it gets to the point of being confusing for her. Good luck!

It's a "guilty daddy" thing. Guilty daddies can't be close enough to their offspring ESPECIALLY if they are NCP. It always struck me as odd that GG (biodad I live with) would shower with his daughter (about 5 at the time of breakup) or his sons (oldest was 7 at the time of breakup, youngest was 18 mos.)

Then there is the communal bathing and sleeping, with all skids piled on and/or with daddykins right there with them.

Noticed a pattern of this over the last five years I've been on this site and over eight years of personal experience.

It's telegraphing to skids that dad does not have any personal boundaries for them. Just another tiny subliminal message that skids are number one, SM is a distant last and that skids are to be coddled, entitled and do anything they desire; daddykins would step over his own dead mother to wait on his spawn hand and foot. It's about time daddykins starts having her learn to bathe herself properly. SM can help in this arena, but beware the jealous "usurped" BM!!

Communal bathing and sleeping is an invitation to disaster as far as I'm concerned. Once biodad starts down "guilty-disney-doormat" road, once he stops acting like his children's BFF, they start calling CPS on him, crying "abuse!" Very dangerous.

And for all those who missed it, I can post my personal compilation of "uh-oh" red flags when it comes to biodad and his children's behaviour. RUN!!

I was raised in a very open home and still decided with exH that 3 or 4 was a good age for him to stop showering with our DD. I don't remember the exact age because it wasn't a big deal to us. It was more his idea, but I could definitely see his point. We had all showered together sometimes - up to that point. I continued to shower with DD when it would save time, but he stopped. DD didn't even notice that he stopped, other than asking him once or twice if he was going to come take a shower.

At the very least, Co-ed bathing/showering should not go on IMO. I don't think you are weird or wrong.

I don't see it as weird...but DD is getting to the age where it may be weird if it goes on longer.

Yeah I think this is wrong, kids are growing up these days fast enough without any help, what if when shes 10 or 12 years old and thinks it is ok to bathe or use the bathroom in fron of her guy friends, she will think its ok because I have taken baths with/infront of my dad.....

It sound like if you say somethin about this your dh gets his undies in a bunch, so I would make sure I bathe sd before dad gets ready to take his shower, then you can say she has already had a bath.

I don't see this a quilty dad thing. Both biodafs took showers with my dds. It started with an easy solution of getting everyone ready. Ydd was 4-5. When she started noticing a difference it was time to stop it.

I tho.k we approached it that when the difference was noticed showering them was either done with me or by themselves. They
They would play in shower and when it was time towash hair I would get in and help and they would get out and I would then have my shower.

I'm sorry, but this is NOT appropriate. Even if the child was a male, he still shouldn't be showering with the kid!!! Totally warped and you need to take a stand on this issue.....STAT!

This is an interesting issue. I think some of the posters are really overreacting to the "shower" theme considering kids will have to shower in front of other kids at school and there is no telling when the gym teacher or whoever (of the same sex, hopefully) will be wandering in and out.

However, I do think it is a problem for him to be showering WITH his daughter. Obviously, he should be helping her learn how to shower herself, which may take time and effort. But showering with her is just going to be confusing for her, especially in this culture with these cultural ideas about sexuality, gender, etc. Additionally, he is setting himself up for major legal problems if BM is even slightly crazy and wants to get him in trouble.

When you approach the issue, you might want to approach it from that perspective. He is putting himself in a VERY vulnerable place is BM gets pissed and wants to punish him.

It's really not OK to shower WITH kids, like a poster said there's really not enough space. I'd bathe younger kids from the outside of the tub though. As another poster said, once the kids get to school and do gym they will be showering with their peers, most of them will look similar anyhow so no real issues. I think making kids too 'body concious' is a bad thing too though. It's a fine line, I do not have an issue bathing with DD or SD in the room, or being in the room with them since we are female.
Truthfully, I think seen one seen em all! I raised two boys and one girl, DH has two boys and one girl too, SD and I share the bathroom. I observe decorum, because I live in a house filled with men, however, I do not freak out because someone sees me naked, or if I see someone likewise.
I encouraged all of the kids to do their 'pits and personals' by themselves. I'd make sure their hair was rinsed though. I really, truly, did not apply much anguish to the situation.

I have a similar situation, but my SD9 ALWAYS sings out & gets FH to help her in the bath! I've tried to talk to him but he just brushes it aside, I even organize all SD things so she doesn't need to call out but she still does! I think at 9 you can bathe yourself

I actually think that if I wasn't around, DH and SD11 would bath together and sleep together. There are absolutely no physical boundaries what so ever...after a family dinner last night of having to look over at DH and SD11 all over each other sitting outside DH stroking her hair, rubbing her back, and patting her thigh while she is nested up against him with their legs intertwined and they are kissing each other saying "I love you" to each other several times in a few minutes span of time...I am convinced that there are no difference in DH's mind of the physical affection between daughter and wife and I have to say that worries me down the road. I honestly do not think that there is any thing "bad" going on but I actually get nauseous when I have to see them carrying on.

Affection of a hugs, and quick kisses on the check, and I love yous at goodbyes and good nights are what I would understand as appropriate and fulfilling ways to show affection.

Communal sleeping, bathing, and bf/gf type displays of affection between SK/BP (especially after the child is about 7-8) makes me very uncomfortable...whether it is right or wrong, I guess isn't my call...but OMG!!!! It really creeps me out and makes me sick to my stomach.

When i first started reading the responses i thought lordy what a sheltered world i grew up in! But now they are a little more in line with how i feel...adults should not be naked in front of children! What is going on in this hippie chatroom! Wow! I never saw my folks naked, or my brothers oe sisters, of which i had a lot! We had privacy in our home, but when i started dating bf is was just like a crazy house! He's walking around naked, sd6 is sleeping in bed with him! He's walking around in front of bm in boxers! Wow, so is this just a divorced dad thing? And imho it is not ok.. Yes help your kids get clean, but you don't and shouldn't be naked for it!

It all depends on the family. I have heard of families doing this, and the kids turned out fine. Some families run around the house totally naked in front of each other. One woman I worked with said her grown son (18 years old) would come in to the bathroom and talk to her about his day while she was naked in the bathtub - no bubbles covering anything. :O Now THAT is weird to me!

It depends on what you and your FDH agree will happen in your home. You should have some say in how things go in your own home. He may think you were "ruined" but that is not a product comment.

It would be much more constructive for him to try and understand your perspective, and the two of you talk about it. There may be some compromising that needs to take place from both you and him, but you need to come to your own set of guidelines for your home together.

I personally feel that at 4 years old, it is time for dad to stop showering with his DD.

Here is one link that might help:

http://pediatrics.about.com/od/weeklyquestion/a/05_showrng_tghr.htm

I've never taken a shower with either of my parents, but I don't feel like what your husband is doing is wrong. It just depends on your family. A lot of families decide that being naked is nothing to be ashamed of, and why should you be ashamed? I wouldn't shower with my own children, but I wouldn't call parents who do that with their children weird.

What he said about your parents ruining you is out of line, though. He should apologize.

At four, I can see it either way. It depends on a lot of things. It could be ok, right at the edge or just wrong. I would not jump on it per se. I know some find it gross irregardless of all other factors, but I think when they are this young it CAN be ok. You know your husband, his daughter and the situation and you can make that call better than any of us; I would not necessarily call it wrong, just because a bunch of other people do. It is right at the age when most kids are still clueless and innocent and a parent should be able to tell if that is still the case. Nudity per se is not wrong if it is matter of fact and innocent, but a parent takes a chance by being so casual around a child of the opposite sex.
What I recommend against is accusing your DH. If you are not comfortable with this, I would approach it just like that, without accusing him of being gross or weird, unless you truly feel this way. Good luck, it's not an easy issue to tackle.

OK, I have a few things to say on this topic.

1) It makes me very uncomfortable. Naked/showering in front of kids or co-ed sibling doing that in front of eachother.

2) My SO does it with both of her kids, my SD5 and SS9. They shower/bathe with eachother and their BF does that with them too.

3) You will never win this argument.

I am sure that their is nothing "weird" going on but anything you question about his behavior even if you are trying to help him, he will see as you criticizing his parenting and his kids.

The way that I approached it is to tell them that once they get into school they should start making their kids aware of keeping their privates covered up in front of everyone always! It is a safety issue.

Also, kids tell everyone the weirdest things and the strangest details and have no shame. Sooooo unless you want your 5 year old's class and teacher to know the details of you private parts, you should keep them covered in front of them.

I am a teacher and it is unbelievable what kids say. There are many angles on this that can be useful.