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Trying to stay calm

morrgin's picture

I'm wishing DH would get home. Having to wait is good for me though because it helps me think things through on how I should I approach him with issues at home.  On the other hand its irritating I'm wasting my thoughts and time on the issues in the first place. I'm going to have to get DH to brainstorm with me on what boundaries we think are needed and how we will implement them. I know if I handle it by myself right now it won't go over well. So I'm trying to stay calm and having patience until DH gets here. He won't tolerate this. Many things he let's slide but this I know will make him mad.

Right now I have 2 SSs both in their early 20's under our roof. The oldest keeps staying 1 to 2 weeks at a time, disappears for a couple of day or a week and then is back again. He also  has his 5 year old son with him. Neither of them have a job. Need I say more. 

What I really feel bad about is his son. I'm a person that likes kids and I like spending time with them but on my own terms. I have my own kids. There is a reason I have an implant for birth control.  I don't want more kids. Kids are a big responsibility. They need love, attention and things to stimulate their minds so they stay busy and learn. It really upsets me to get home from work and see a 5 year old playing outside by himself. We have farm animals and outbuildings. Even if we didnt have all that its still not safe for a 5 year old to play outside without supervision. His dad (SS24) is sleeping inside and SS22 is on the computer.  

Great, SD17 just showed up. Starts eating and yells at the dog to go away.  

I want to go out of my room but as soon as I do my SS24's son is on me. This is another reason I feel bad. He is bored and curious. He wants to know about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, how he can help, and a bunch of other stuff in between. He's just being a normal kid. I'd be more than happy to let him tag along with me but only for an hour or so and because I choose it. I'm not his parents or his babysitter. I know when this is brought up both skids will say that SS22 was watching SS24's son. He checks on the kid occasionally but its not his job either, only enables SS24 and its still not enough supervision. 

Right now DH is working driving farm trucks. Since its harvesting time he works 6 am to 9 pm and sometimes to 1:30 am. i hate to bother him with issues when he's working long hours but it has to be addressed. The 5 year old could get hurt outside by himself and SS22 and SS24 need to get off their arses.  

The fridge is absolutely bare but there is no way I'm going grocery shopping.  


JRI's picture

I was often in the position of needing to discuss something serious with DH in the summertime but he was working late (construction-related).  When he got in, he looked so tired and hot.

At least your SKs don't sound like evil kids like we hear about on this site.  I totally agree that the supervision of SGS needs to be addressed as first urgency. 

Maybe fix yourself up, have something good for him to eat and a drink ready.  "There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful".  (Co-dependent no more).  Good luck.

Iamwoman's picture

This is absolutely a talk that needs to happen.

If anything happens to the 5 year old, all adults that were in the home at that time could be charged with neglect.

I personally would try to not be home unless my DH is home. I know - easier said than done - but a very clear message needs to be sent here.

tog redux's picture

What the heck? Why is this grown FATHER allowed to use your home whenever he pleases? Boundaries need to be set here.

ESMOD's picture

Wow.... I went back and skimmed a few of your blogs and you and your DH need to get on the same page with boundaries in your home.

1.  No guests without advance permission.. at least 24 hours advance.

2.  No drugs in the home. period.

3.  Everyone in the home will work.. whether it is inside or outside of the home... sounds like you guys have a farm?  maybe one or both of the boys needs to ride shotgun with dad to help him out? there also should be work like fence painting.. weeding that could be done too.. they need to contribute in some way.

4.  The 5 year old needs to be supervised... he is not to be outside without an adult. period.  If they want to sleep.. the kid needs to nap too.  or... he needs to call the mother to come get her child.. or they need to secure daycare for the kid.  if they are unemployed.. maybe there is even a free childcare or head start program they could get into?

5.  The boys need to either start paying rent... or leave in X amount of weeks.