OT- Desperately need help/advice and don't know where else to turn...
Warning- this is about my sex life... or lack there of, so take that as a "spoiler" to decide if you want to read or not... But tonight my DH hinted he might want to move on if it doesn't get better...
Oh, god, I don't even know where to start this conversation. First, I should say that my "real life" girl friends and I don't discuss our sex lives. I think my husband thinks all women sit around like Carrie and Samantha and share everything over drinks. Frankly, I don't know any women who do that.
But something faceless about this makes it seem better. Over the years, i've received the best advice here about skids, marriage, the crazy ex-bitch. So of course this is where I'm going to share this...
I don't want sex. I don't really care that I don't want it. I do it to make my DH happy. MAYBE 3-4 times a month, I want it, but any other time, it's just for him, so he doesn't get cranky. I work all day- two jobs. I teach, so I'm around kids all day, then I come home to my own. The house is a disaster, dinner to cook, laundry to do, papers to grades, animals to care for... You get the picture. Many of you live that life.
But I'm happy. ST taught me years ago how to let go of most of my SK and crazy-ex stresses. It's not completely gone, but it's under control. And i'm not near the neat freak I use to be. Seriously, I can't tell you the last time I mopped or vaccummed, but we have clean clothes, and clean dishes to eat from... I enjoy my skids. I like hanging out with my BS, and he hangs out with DH and I a lot. The skids come and go with sports, HS, college, friends. When they are all home on the weekends, I can always plan on 3-4 extra friends being around for dinner.
And DH and I make time for each other every day. We close ourselves in our room and talk and watch TV together. We sit and do work and enjoy each other's company.
In the last year, I've lost nearly 35 pounds and this summer it seemed like we were having sex all the time! Now that we are both back in school (both of us teach), life is crazier, but we're still doing it at least 2 times a week and at least once on the weekend (whether I really want to or not.)
3 weeks ago we had our 15 wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago we went away for a romantic get away. We always laugh at the sex shops along the highway, and we stopped at one and picked out a few things... Now that's all he wants to do! They are items for me, and my pleasure, and they are nice, but I really don't care. I'd rather have him... but he gets insulted when I tell him to put the toy away.
And in the last few weeks, he's ben wanting us to watch porn together. We have occassionally, but now he puts it on the computer every time he starts to get intimate with me.
Tonight was nice. i came home, he was cooking dinner, and had obviously made an effort to clean after himself. We ate, and cleaned kitchen together. he fixed me a nice bubble bath and said to relax while he helped kiddo with homework. Great nice. I knew where he was leading this to- the same place he'd led me for the last three nights. LOL; and after 3 nights in a row, I was a little tired, sore and worn out, but he set the stage, so I was going along...Until the porn video was group orgy thing that totally turned me off immediately.
I asked him to find another video and it was evident that irritated him and also killed his mood. It all happened so fast- the quick argument that ensued- I can't even remember all of it. I remember saying, "What in 15 years of marriage makes you think group sex would turn me on?!" and "I'm sorry I'm not enough for you."
He basically shut the conversation down. I asked him what he wanted to do. I was trying to get him back on track so I could at least take care of him... Anyway, he ended up saying that he'll just have to resign to living a long life with no sex ever again. (That escalated quickly...) I said a few things, he said something more, but he basically ended it with "Yes, I might like to find someone else who wants sex more than twice a week."
Well, frankly, does that woman exist? We work, we have kids, we take care of our homes, and families and groceries and a million things daily. And then you get a husband who almost is as much of a kid as the kids...
I don't really know what to do. I love my husband with all my heart. I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, premature menopause and insulin resitance, which all do affect my hormonal balance. But every doctor tells me there is nothing physically wrong with me that would impede my desire for sex. I hate that my body doesn't react the way I want it to. I would give nothing more than to want to have sex with him every time he looks at me with that look he gives me...
I am a little uptight and old-fashioned. I was raised in the era of "good girls don't until marriage." I was a virgin when we married. But i've been playful and enthusiastic, but I know it has never equalled the quantity of what he would want. So I make it about quality. But tonight I just feel like that's not enough and it never will be...
Is this something people divorce over; do you do what you can and hope he doesn't have an affair?
And it seems silly that he really blew up tonight just cuz I didn't want to watch group porn...
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Comments
OMG I haven't had sex in
OMG I haven't had sex in weeks, and it's my DH who doesn't want it. Twice a week is actually far more than almost all married couples.
You might want to remind him that twice a week is a WHOLE LOT MORE than most single teachers with a bunch of kids are getting. Does he really think he's a hot commodity?
Has he always watched porn?
Has he always watched porn? Or is this a new thing?
I gotta say - I love sex with my husband and would be willing almost every day, BUT we both work and life is exhausting. We are happy with 2 or 3 times a week "on average". We watch soft core porn together, he occasionally watches real porn but he knows that's not "my thing".
I think your DH is ridiculous for going from not doing it the 3rd day in a row, and to a group sex porn to NEVER DOING IT AGAIN!!!!
Does he have an addictive personality?
Is it possible that he's tripped into a bit of a sex addiction? The fact that he suddenly seems to want (need?) porn in your relations strikes me as behavior escalation.
He might want to chat with a therapist about this.
Oh - and you're fine, I don't think this is your issue.
Idon't know... We each have
Idon't know... We each have our own computers. I read smutty romance; in 15 years of marriage, we've watched porn maybe 8-10 times together... "normal" soft core stuff...
I read a smuty romance book
I read a smuty romance book once by accident almost, it was the only book I found in the cabin we were statying at. I actually liked it! hahah
what titles/ authors do you recommend?
Same here! It is so damned
Same here! It is so damned unrealistic it's ridiculous!
My ex was an addict and it was a complete turn off to me. He was busted by a friend of mine once. I was at work and he was at home. Friend knocked on the door to no answer (was delivering flowers for me), so decided to go leave it out back. As she passed the window to the living room, she heard the groaning etc.. and freaked out. She thought ex was in there cheating on me. She looked through the window, and saw ex lying naked on the floor, porn on TV full blast, bottle of oil and him just goin' for it.. she got such a shock she screamed, dropped the flowers and flew down the diveway.. she called me and told me - she sounded so shockd and outraged, I burst out laughing.. then I got mad.
That, was the beginning of the end for me - hated having his hands on me after that.
LMAO - well I'm 46 and I'd be
LMAO - well I'm 46 and I'd be up for every day and sometimes more than once! OH works very long hours and is tired a lot so every second day and only once is all I get.
I don't do porn... WE don't do porn - he is not into it.
I was fully expecting to read that you just don't want to and so your sex life is non-existant, and I was prepared to advise to fake it til you make it.
But you are already doing that and he is escalating things. I think there is more going on.
I am not sure what to tell you, is there any chance of trying to have a discussion about it when you are both calmer. Tell him you love him so much, and that you DO love sex with him, but your busy house and lifestyle leaves you exhausted and so 3 times a week is enough for you, and that you are ok with the soft porn and toys SOMETIMES but sometimes you'd just like it to be the two of you focussing on each other. Ask him why he wanted to watch the orgy thing, is that something he wants to try? Maybe he is feeling YOUR disinterest and is trying to spice things up for you? Maybe he feels like HE is not pleasing you enough and that is why is he is trying all this new stuff.
Or perhaps he has just gotten a bit carried away with it all and addicted to a "new toy"
Sorry. Not much help.
2-3 times a week is great!
2-3 times a week is great! Especially considering kids, work, household, stress, etc. This is what DH and I shoot for, and we are newly weds. Sure, we would love to be able to do it every night, but it just isn't possible right now.
From what you stated in your OP, the fact that you are at least trying to keep it going is amazing. I can tell you that when I'm not feeling it, DH would loose an arm (or any other appendage) trying to convince me to give it up. If I'm not in the mood, don't mess with me. I have always had a very "sensitive" sex drive. Hormones, stress, exhaustion...any and all of these will cause me to have a low sex drive. DH knows this and understands. He isn't happy about it, but he understands. We are having issues now with him being too tired due to work. This week he has fallen asleep on the couch almost every night. Last night he didn't, but BS3 refused to go to sleep.
Now I'm the one getting frustrated. Grr!
As far as the porn issue...DH and I will occasionally watch soft porn together. However, it is a mutually agreed upon video at a mutually agreed upon time. Neither of us would spring something like that on the other one. The fact that your DH seems to be more and more into, to the point of surprising you with group porn, would send up red flags to me. That is not something you just pop in the DVD player without making sure your partner is ok with it. Toys can be fun, but both can become dependent on them if they are used too often. I say this because DH and I learned the hard way. We have now cleared our home of all adult toys in hopes of breaking that habit.
I agree with other posters that you and DH might need to seek counseling. There is something going on with DH, and within your relationship, that is causing this behavior. It may have nothing to do with the porn, toys, etc. It may have to do with subconscious feelings on one or both sides of the relationship. At the very least, one or both of you are stressed out and having a hard time finding that intimate connection with each other. I hope you find the answers/solutions you and your DH need.
I think he feels ashamed/
I think he feels ashamed/ embarrassed on some level of his choice of porn or preoccupation with sex. I Say this because he strongly and quickly tried to act like there was something wrong with you. DEFLECTION from his own feelings.
there's nothing wrong with you for not wanting sex like some playboy bunny. I agree with the other's 2-3x a week sound GREAT!
At the same time, don't take insult or anything to his interest in the orgy porn. People like to explore things when they're fantasizing that may not all be what they want in real life. I definitely don't think it means that you're not "enough for him." Though I totally understand why you reacted that way, he sprang it on you and feaked you out! you weren't totally in the mood anyway, and he is suddenly getting all freaky with you!
I would sit down and talk to him. It's a positive thing that he wanted to share his current sexual fantasies/ porn interests with you. I would reassure him that you love him, that you don't think he's a freak or perv, etc. Just talk it out. Tell him what you need to feel comfortable. SPELL it out for him--le as a woman sometimes you want to explore and try new things with him but you have to be in a certain mood, and if you're not in that mood it feels uncomfortable! You guys will get though it!!!
I am sorry...I am tired. So I
I am sorry...I am tired. So I will make this short. Your DH has issues. He can find a woman to fuck his brains out and fuck him out of his paycheck. I am 54..I am lucky to get it 3 times a month. My DH is 53 but he needs meds..for help. It is really hard to get in the mood. Then sometimes the meds. do not work. I was single over 20 years. I had my share of men in that 20 years. I do not do porn. Yes,I did toys when I was alone and not seeing amyone. I do not care for toys or porn as a couple. I see your DH's reactions as sex addiction.
It was very cold for him to talk of finding another woman...you need to call him on it.
HUGS!
I am just amazed. 2-3 times
I am just amazed. 2-3 times a week for a couple that has been married 15 years is ...well...amazing!
Your DH's threat to find someone else is just disgusting. How dare he say something like that to you!
He sounds like he is having a midlife crisis.
Im not married, but i wld be
Im not married, but i wld be thrilled with having sex 2-3 times a week. My bf and i avg maybe once every week or two and im miserable! I wish he wld want sex more. I think what u guys have is great, maybe hes missing something...like the burst of confidence in pleasing you he gets from sex. Maybe has has a fantasy hes scared to share so he doesnt ever feel satisfied. Maybe he's feeling insecure or going thru a midlife crisis type of deal. Maybe he's just trying a little too hard bc he fears a sexless marriage. Cld be anything, you guys need to talk it out, i think this goes deeper than sex.