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Worried about BM racist comments

krissykat's picture

So basically this interaction has held on my head for a few weeks now... it happened I believe 3 weeks ago.

I always go with DH to pick up the boys because the one time I didn't I was basically told she started screaming at him that he doesn't pay enough in child support and that his kids hate me and idk... I got the story from a 12 year old. But I started going every time because when she is infront of me for some reason she doesn't even talk to him more than a few words.

This time the older (12M) seemed upset about something and here comes BM stomping up to the car. 

She said with anger (ss12) got in another fight at school 

My innocent husband calmly asked what happened... poor guy...

without warning she started screaming about some girl, but kept referring to her with the N word... multiple times... very loud... in the parking lot of her own work. 

SS6 tried to come to me and talk to me about something he did in school seemingly trying to separate himself from the situation and she suddenly screamed at him and I still after trying to recall the events have no idea why she yelled at him...

after (not exaggerating) 3 minutes of her yelling about some poor girl and using every racist term in both English and  broken Spanish my husband looked at ss12 and just calmly said "I will talk to him about it" and she angrily walked away. 

At this point I noticed a black woman walk by with her very small girl.. looking like she was barely old enough to walk... my heart hurt as I couldn't even open my mouth as I was so shocked..

I don't know if it matters but BM is some sort of Hispanic... I think.. but she looks very white... yelling horrible words into a car with two children and a very dark skinned Hispanic man. 

The worst part of this is after we drove away not even understanding what happened, SS12 said he has no idea what she was talking about and that he got in a fight with some boy that called him names... basically the fight was over he hit him and the kid backed off (again don't know how true it is because it's coming from a 12 year old)

he said the girl his mom was talking about was his friend and she just messaged his mom on instagram warning her that she was worried that SS was going to get into a fight.


can you believe that ever after this the kid told me today that he would rather be at his moms house than mine 


CajunMom's picture

I cringe when I even have to "process" that word when it comes from disgusting people. I am fortunate that my mom, a poor 7th grade educated woman in the Deep South, chose to teach her children to LOVE all people. We had friends of color (African American) and were taught truths of racism at early ages. 

The only thing you can do is TEACH those children different. And if BM gets peeved because of her ugly racist rant, then so be it. Kids need to know using that N word or any racist name for good people is outright WRONG. Remember, the dehumanizing of a race begins with one negative name about that race and then snowballs into things we see today. (from a Brene Brown book I read, my wording).

I'm at the point in life, if that word is ever used around me, I politely ask for them to not use that language around me. Curse all day long but do NOT use racist comments. 

I'm sorry you have to deal with such a vile human.

As for your SS wanting to be with mom, it's just a "thing" in the step-world. And probably because they can run "wild and free" there with no rules or consequences.

Harry's picture

With really no good answer.  Kids come to be part of your family. That includes there BF.   If he's working, there is no reason for them to be around you.  You are nothing to them, They have a BM. No need for two mothers. 

ESMOD's picture

It seems fairly obvious but all that your DH can really do about that is to talk with his children about how he finds that using those terms to be unacceptable.. and that it's hurtful and hateful language.. 

Rags's picture


I am more infuraited that your SS's are cursed to have that vile and putrid POS as their BM.

Time for daddy to put that POS poor choice of a breeding partner into a social, financial, and legal wood chipper.  He needs to destroy her and keep destroying her until his boys age out from under the CO.  It is the only hope these young men have of flushing their idiot mother down the crapper where she belongs.

BODY CAM!!!  You and DH need to wear one every time you are in her presence. Don't tell her. You can record video in public without notifying anyone that you are filming. Verify with your lawyer to be sure.

Let BM rant and spew her racist crap recording it for posterity so you can bare her ass in court and if the Skids ever start drinking the 'BM is awesome' Kool-Aid you can give them clarity with Vile BM video nights. Popcorn and all.

This BM is the poster moron for the need for there to be a license to breed to prevent people like her from polluting the human gene pool.

Load up on documenting her racist crap and drag her to court by the short and curlies to get these kids as far away from that putrid POS they are cursed to have as their mother. as you legally can.  Make her an Instagram and YouTube star.  Make it so those boys will avoid her like the plague that she is and choose to never be seen in public with her.

I would.

BODY CAMS>>>>> NOW!!!!!


Lillywy00's picture

If you're in public, pull out your phone and film her. (Discreetly) Then create an anonymous YouTube account, then upload it and tag her employer. 

She's gross for being so hateful, abusive, and nasty in front of kids and deserves every consequence of her actions. 

I grew up raised to believe there is ONE race which is the human race. We all bleed the same. 

ESMOD's picture

This is all great till mom loses  her job.. and dad (spouse) has to end up paying more CS.  

Sometimes we just have to deal with what we can deal with.. which in this case is to tell the kids it's unacceptable.. and that they will be given consequences..

BM.. will likely reap her own without any assistance.

Lillywy00's picture

Don't reallly have much sympathy for 18+ year old racists. 

She'll either find a new job that doesn't mind hiring her, get on welfare, or find someone to sponge off of. 

Dad and stepmom seem like more viable healthy options for parents anyways. 


ESMOD's picture

My point was that the outcome could HURT OP's household if her SO ends up having to pick up more CS
 obligation if BM is unemployed.

I don't care about it from BM's perspective.. but the fact that an unemployed BM could reap havoc on the OP household.

Lillywy00's picture

The racist is already hurting them. 

My kid has a racial supremacist grandparent. can you guess how often my kid is around that person??? 

Idc how much money she got and how much help I need. 

I will take care of my kid 24/7 before I let them be raised by vile hateful humans who perpetuate hate. 

ESMOD's picture

It's easier to withhold the child to a more distant relative.   The biological mother? no.

And.. the reality is that sometimes people cannot financially or otherwise "afford" to go to nuclear options like trying to get the BM to lose her job.

OP might not want FULL custody of the kids.

OP might not want to find her SO has to pay higher CS if his Ex loses a job.

You can choose to keep your kids away from a grandparent.. a grandparent has zero rights to a child (unless given by court for some reason).. to prevent BM from having access to her kids?  MUCH more difficult and potentially expensive.

I absolutely don't agree that her using that language is right.. but we all live in a reality where we might not have as much control.. and we can give people advice to get BM nailed to a cross.. but we don't have to live with the fallout of that kind of action... only OP really can.

The likelihood that BM will lose custody without a fight (costly in more ways than one).. is small.

Rags's picture

flier program for this crap.  Video, recordings, call logs/recordings, recorded interviews with my kid telling about BM's vile racist crap, therapist reports on the racist crap.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

The Judge would either award me custody or see me flogging BM in front of the bench nearly constantly.


Agaboo18's picture

most dads dont want full custody or even close. even if BM is a trainwreck, they don't care. This DH is probably no exception. These parents just don't care about their own kids like that.

justmakingthebest's picture

I feel like that video in court would be enough for the judge to keep her income the same- it's her fault for not working and getting terminated. 

Although- if they have a judge like we did, you're screwed anyway. 

ESMOD's picture

As you are well aware.. the court system is anything but a sure bet.. and someplace to avoid if at all possible.  

Unfortunately, OP needs to weigh the potential blowback of any consequences for BM onto how it could impact her.. sometimes we can be right.. or we can be happy.. but not both.. 

someone who behaves like this BM will likely get her come uppance and OP won't have to be the one to serve the dish.

Hastings's picture

A person should also consult an attorney before filming someone without their knowledge or consent. Laws vary by state and aren't always as simple as "it was in a public place."

shamds's picture

Who when seeing african people go "eeeeeewwwww negroes," its the most vile disgusting thing ever because from my european dad's side of family, i have 2 cousins who married women from Africa and their kids are mixed race. We don't judge them.

unfortunately you will find even in migrant families they too can be rascist when they should know what its like to be referred to in derogatory terms and looked down upon as substandard family members.

even in south east asian culture, its very prevalent that the fairer you are the more refined and upper class you are. So if there is a family member very dark skinned manages to marry a foreign caucasian or Eurasian woman, thats enough for them to trashtalk you any way they can. 

things like "how can that light skinned baby be yours when you black??," "she must be so useless because she white and knows nothing about our culture and language" when you could be very fluent in their language.

let those people embarrass themselves and distant yourself from them

Rumplestiltskin's picture

"things like "how can that light skinned baby be yours when you black??," "she must be so useless because she white and knows nothing about our culture and language" when you could be very fluent in their language."

Sounds like they don't like you if you are too black or too white. I've dealt with some of this, not to that extent though, to where they would say it to my face. But i have been told several times that certain family members would be much happier if i were, well, not me. I know i don't fit my SO's family's preconceived racial and ethnic preference. Part of it is that it would be easier and more comfortable for them if everyone were the same, without the piece that doesn't fit (me lol.) I will no longer stress myself to death or bend over backwards to fit in. Because i will never fit in. I will, however, act with politeness and class, help out when i can at big family gatherings, but i also will limit my exposure to the stress of it. It's a hard line to walk. 

Rags's picture

I am sorry you have to deal with that crap from your ILs.

Take care of yourself.