well I made a choice
I am feeling optimistic today. I know I know I'm sure my words will go unheard and uncared about BUT I made effort and knowing I'm trying is helping me to learn to cope with the fact that SD16 just hates me. I wrote her a letter today. A long letter. I did not apologize for our fight. Nor what I said BUT I did tell her that our actions are our choice. And I am done with the BS of what happened last weekend. I will never tell her she isn't allowed in our home. I wouldn't want my exhusband to do that to my daughter (although she has not acted this way) BUT I know that the issues my daughter has with her dad has crushed her and Ill be damned if I'm going to do that to a teenage girl.
I told her basically that this is what life has handed us. We have the choice to make the best of it or we can make it miserable. I am making the choice for myself to not engage in any more confrontations that lead to screaming. I will not be a part of the reason SS10 and SS14 get screwed on their time with their father. She has said to her dad that we don't get along because it's a girl thing? Excuse me? A girl thing? Um the only girl thing I can remember at her age is not getting along with a girl who I thought was trying to make her move on my man. And as I write this I am seeing that that is how she is viewing me. She thinks her father is hers. So therefore in her eyes i guess it is a girl thing. I was pretty blunt about the fact that I won't tolerate disrespect in my house NOR will I ever be screamed at. And if she can find a way to come visit us and not behave like that then good. But ultimately it is her decision. I told her she is welcome any time. I shared with her the things she entrusted me with over the summer that I have told nobody trying to show her that I am not against her. I am not trying to ruin her relationship with her father. I'm trying to find a way for all of us to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. He does. She does. I do. All the other kids do. And every time she comes down and there is drama everyone gets shorthanded time with DH. Most of all the boys, I know that she will probably laugh at my attempt or be childish regarding my words but I feel like an effort had to be made so I stepped up. I guess we will see what happens from here. I have no expectations regarding it. AS every single thing I do pisses her off right down to how I walk... yes she can't stand how I walk it makes her mad! Are you kidding me? I think she looks for reasons to hate. As all kids do. I also think her anger towards her parents is easier to direct towards me because after all I'm the wicked step-parent (girlfriend) she is suppose to hate me.
I am feeling a bit better after calling off our engagement. Now I will no longer be wondering when he is coming home with a ring or when we are going to plan ANOTHER date. No more let downs if there is no engagement. I figure if the man can't go pick out a ring in a year of being engaged then he sure as heck can't commit to marriage. And it's not about money we have a pretty good CASH credit at a jewelry store within 30 minutes of our home. It's about making time. And he has not made any!