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Update: BF finally cut off BM from What'sApp and oh boy.

Kona_California's picture

It's been so helpful being able to vent this out with you wonderful people. I appreciate you all. 

I spoke with BF after getting your feedback in my last blog/forum post and he agreed with me that BM does not respect boundaries. He was on board for removing What'sApp messaging and texting as communication options and move to email only to keep the back and forth at a minimum, and so that she doesn't have 24/7 access to BF. He admitted that yes, maybe BM did have hold of his balls too much and was in too much control. He said he's afraid of reprocussions and afraid of not being a good dad. After a lot of reassurance, he told her what was up and cut it off today, and oh boy. She emailed and this was the gist of her barking:

"I propose you work with ME to figure out a better way to communicate. You and your girlfriend have made a unilateral decision to dictate how you will be communicating with me, without working with me to figure this out. This sense of entitlement and control will not work for me. You are often the offender in many time-sensitive situations and waiting for an email response will not work. I will take this to court if you don't strive to find a solution that will work for both of us, since you are more focused on your best interest rather than our child's best interest. I'll allow 48 hours for you to provide a response before moving forward and taking legal action. Communication is one of the biggest factors in co-parenting and I do not take your need to control every aspect of this lightly."

BF has sent so many messages about boundaries and she's always overstepping. This is the reason communication is being moved to email only. Also... I don't think she understands the definition of control. Wanting to put up a boundary and create some space is literally the opposite of control. I wonder if she'll ever see the irony in all over statements. I was really happy with his response though:

"1. Please leave [GF] out of this as it is inappropriate to bring her up. Your message is insulting to her and makes baseless assumptions. It is also disrespectful given how much she does for SS5 despite not being a biological parent. (You have acknowledged how much she does for him in the past.) Please leave her out of this. 

2. There is no court order dictating how we communicate.  You are not entitled to my attention 24/7 as what's app allows.  If I'm not comfortable with WhatsApp for whatever reason, that's my decision.  Email is a perfectly acceptable solution to communicate and arguably, much easier for organizing different issues requiring communication as they relate to SS5. There is no court order violation by informing you I will only be responding to Emails instead of WhatsApp messages. Check the decree. 

3. If youd like to propose an alternative communication to email, I'm open to your suggestions.  I may be open to OFW, although we both agreed the funding was an issue."

That's what i'm TALKING ABOUT. Although, I don't really like the idea of OFW because it's still a messaging app. When they used it in the past before WhatsApp the back and forth was still just as bad. Is there a way to manage the volume on OFW?

Anyway. I'll take the win to start the weekend off. I hope it continues from here.


Kona_California's picture

Right??!! Does she even hear herself? It's like one time when she said to BF "listen, a$$hole, I demand you respect me IMMEDIATELY" in response to him saying no to something lol. Irony. 

shamds's picture

but everything coming out of their mouth is absolute stupidity and ridiculousness and hypocrisy. They’re too narcissistic and dumb to see it for what it is. They’ve convinced themselves they are not the problem hence why its you or your bf’s fault for everything or the kids fault. 

strugglingSM's picture

Your BF is entitled to a life that doesn't revolve around BM. Her getting an answer to every wondering is not a requirement for good co-parenting. Our BM tried the same thing - "you don't respond", "you don't respond quickly enough", "I don't have enough time to email you."

The reality was that 99% of BM's messages were really about her and she only shared things about SSs when she wanted DH to reassure her, not because she wanted to co-parent.

At the last mediation, DH and BM agreed to use Our Family Wizard. They also set a 72-hour reply timeframe (BM regularly insists that it is 24-hours, but I've also read the agreement, so I know she's wrong). Finally, they agreed that if someone wanted to make a decision related to the children and the other didn't respond within 72 hours, the asking parent could do whatever they wanted.

Really, most messages continue to be about BM. BM pleading with DH to go to counseling with her. BM asking DH to change pick-up or visitation. BM complaining when DH won't do what she wants. DH replies enough to show that he's responsive when needed, but he ignores most of the other messages. 

Nearly 4 years since DH got an agreement that he and BM don't talk on the phone, BM will still periodically cry that DH is not responsive enough, but really, who cares. She's an adult, she wanted to be the sole custodial parent, she's married - she should be able to figure things out on her own. Whenever she asks DH what his opinion is, she never agrees with it. Even if she does what he suggested later, she would never admit that it was his idea, so it's not worth it for him to engage. It only feeds her need to get his attention. 

Having 24/7 access and being able to monitor when they've read your messages is all about control. It's also all about personal attention for the BM. Many of these BMs are like the "crazy ex-girlfriend" who can't move on from their personal, emotional relationship with the father of their child. It would be laughable if it wasn't so annoying how they are able to use their children to sustain the dysfunction.

Kona_California's picture

God our BMs sound similar, like so many do. This BM does the same garbage. And yours is married.....? Move on already geez. How is that so hard? It blows my mind how much BM is reaching saying BF isn't prioritizing his son. When he fought tooth and nail spending tens of thousands of dollars in attorney and court fees to have 50%, makes his son his biggest responsibility, is so nurturing, caring, involved,  focuses on education, plays with him, makes sure he has good experiences, has me established as a parental authority figure, all while responsibly disciplining him. He's a solid, wonderful dad. This whole time she's been convincing him if he isn't focused on BM, he must not be focused on his son and is negligent. Ridiculous. 

Mandy45's picture

Geez what a bitch. But the thing is only so much happens with kids they go to school come home have dinner bathe go to bed do it again the next day. Dh does not need to be notified about every little thing. Have bm constantly annoying him with Bull. Yes kid sometimes play up may get sick or have things on that the parents need to go to. But if your a proper mother single or not you look after these thing. Dont have to constantly keep annoying the father about it all because he trying to get on with his life. 

Unless theres some sort of emergency I think bio parents dont really need to contact each other at all until it pick up and drop off times. 

Rest of it just bull and a excuse just to interrupt the others life. Because of bad feelings. 

Like I've got kids to someone else I havent spoke to my ex since we broke up 15 years ago. I was just like you can pick the kids up on the weekend. Or if you want to see them in between give the kids a call. The kids would fill there dad on whatever was going on in there life. 

I just handled all the day to day stuff unless there was a major problem me and my ex never spoke to each other.

We avoided all the drama from us and for the kids. 

This is why I think a lot of kids play up too. There parents are creating such a drama over breaking up who should be doing what. Bad mouthing each other. Making the kids pick sides. The kids dont know how else to handle it all but with bad behaviour. Because that's how there parents are behaving. Think this is how this whole thing suppose to work. 

Winterglow's picture

The beauty of OFW is that everything written there can be seen by the judge. That alone tends to limit the content and the requency of messages. If BM continues to harass your bf via OFW she will simply expose herself for what she is - a nagging harpy of a control freak (and that's just to start with).

Thisisnotus's picture

He should have NEVER responded. 

But OMG these BMs are all the same. I can’t even count all the “in the kids best interest” bull shit BM has spewed and it’s always followed with a threat to take legal action.

i laughed out loud just reading what your BM wrote.....she’s just being a bully.

Your DH needs to not engage her!  Once he stops it will get better. My DH stopped engaging a while ago and it’s anazing. He ignored the rants and would only respond to kid related messages with a yes, no or okay....or any one word answer.

if she calls him on the phone it’s the small talk....simple one phrase answers....if she goes off topic of kids he hangs up.

tog redux's picture

LOL - I love the projection: HE feels entitled to control their communication.  What a crock.

I think he should have responded, but not how he did (and he never ever should have suggested that any of this was your idea in the first place).

His response should have been:

"I will continue to communicate about DS as needed, and I'm happy to consider Our Family Wizard or (insert other similar app here) for communication going forward."

DONE.  He's set one boundary, the next one is to stop communicating in the way that he does. No more arguing or defending himself - just the facts, only what he needs to reply to and don't take the bait.

It's a process, he will learn how to do it, and he's taken a good first step. Now, gather all the evidence of her over-communication for court.

And you might want to take your SS's name out of there.  There have been BMs who found this site or others where the SM has posted info about them, and used it against the father in court

Kona_California's picture

Yeah the projection is real! I didn't catch him implying this was my idea in the response though. He normally ignores or sends a very minimal response. I was just happy that this was the first time he stood up for himself to her the way he did. It's petty of me and moving forward I don't even want to think about her. Which is the whole point of less contact. And yes it's such a big learning curve with a high conflict BM.