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I think I have PTSD from BM.

Kona_California's picture

I used to have an abusive step mom from when I was 15 - 20. I'm pretty sure she had a personality disorder because she just psychologically terrorized me and my younger sister. When she was around, my heart would race, I would sweat, my adrenaline would pump.... it was such an unpredictable, toxic environment to be forced in. After my dad divorced her I was in such an elated state of happiness, I swore I would never be around anyone like that ever again. Now, I get the same feeling any time anything comes up about BM. I feel like I'm in that same place all over again. Part of it is her threats, and the other are the fights that happen with me and BF. 

These days, she wants BF to do all the picking up and dropping off for SS5, which we have 50% at 2-2-3. BM has never been consistent with the times she expects for him to picked up/dropped off. Every other day there's a god damn message changing the time/location, (along with other complaints/instructions on how we should run our lives). I told BF this is enough. The CO doesn't say you do all of the picking up/dropping off. She needs to do her part, and I think whoever is receiving SS5 is who should drive and pick up. The days when BF stood his gound on this and told her she needs to come pick him up at the designated place across the street from our house, BM pulled up in front of our house, which we specifically told her was NOT ok. She literally said she had the right to for "safety reasons." That's always her damn reason for any idiotic actions from her. "It's a SAFETY issue" "It's for the best interest of OUR son" 

BF's argument is it's only 10 minutes away and he wants to avoid the fight since she can get so ugly so fast. I'm like.... what about what I think?? Because she's a psycho she gets what she wants?  It actually IS an inconvenience because we still have to revolve our day around her to pick him up, which some days we don't know when it will be until minutes before. BF and I just moved into a new townhouse (because of my job, thankfully), and it was quite satisfying knowing she pulled up to an empty house when she was supposed to be at the market across the street. But then of course she sent a flurry of messages about how BF didn't tell her our new address. lol. We were still in the process of moving and we haven't even changed OUR addresses yet. 

BF and I came to an agreement today and maybe it's fair. But thinking about it just makes me feel sick. BF also wants to be sure it's "safe" to do a handoff, which means it has to be in front of the house. The only damn visitor parking is RIGHT in front of our house. I don't want to hear her FUG voice squeeling or wailing things to her kid that's full of digs while I'm trying to live in my sanctuary. 

I told BF today that I wish they would change to every other week. BF said because of COVID there's too much that SS5 has had to go through and he doesn't want to disrupt his routine even moreso than it already has been. I can see that.... I also think that frequent back and forth is also stressful. He gets disappointed when he has to leave behind certain things. I'm always on board with him taking whatever toys/things of his he wants to his mom's. Plus, at what point do I matter? BM sends messages about dropoff/location every other day, at least. I'm so sick of it. 

I'm starting to wonder if all this toll on my mental well-being is never going to end, and if this relationship is worth it. 


Kona_California's picture

It's starting to feel that way. We broke up a year ago and the pain of missing him and SS5 was so intense, I told myself I want to be in it 100%. We got back together and he and BM became all nicey-nice to each other.... and he was doing what she wanted. So when I was back in the picture and he went back to having boundaries, she got all crazy. 

TrueCrimeandChill's picture

^ I second this comment 

strugglingSM's picture

I don't know if I have ptsd, but I definitely have a physical reaction whenever DH gets a message from BM.

When I first met DH she would send him crazy, mean, outrageous texts for hours trying to get him to do whatever she wanted or pay her whatever she asked for. After we got engaged, she also started sending crazy texts about me. At first, DH tried to appease her and told me "maybe you can be friends with her someday." We then went to a counselor who told DH that if he wasn't willing to set boundaries then I should walk away from our relationship. The counselor also told me that I should really think long and hard before marrying DH because BM's behavior wasn't going to get better it was only going to get worse. 

I would have a physical adrenaline reaction every time her ringtone came through. The same kind of reaction you would have if you almost got in a car accident. 

DH used to be the same as your BF. He would give in to what BM wanted to avoid a fight. Now he doesn't and his family tells him he's terrible.

It's a terrible situation to be in and some days I don't think I can take it, but DH has become much better about setting boundaries and ignoring BM. His family can continue to not understand and we will distance ourselves from them, too.


The_Upgrade's picture

You have PTSD from your BF's failure to set boundaries. At the end of the day it doesn't matter how insane BM gets as long as you feel safe and secure in the knowledge that your BF will take the appropriate steps to protect you and your family together without throwing you under the bus to "keep the peace". If he's failing then you'll always be on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop - but that's got nothing to do with BM

tog redux's picture

What does the CO say about drop-offs and pick-ups? He should follow that. If it doesn't say anything about it, then personally, I'd rather he pick up the kid himself all the time than deal with BM's nonsense, but that's just me.


Rumplestiltskin's picture

Even without overt hostility, constantly changing pick up and drop off times is a form of high-conflict coparenting. It leaves you on edge all the time and is a way for BM to insert herself into your lives. Having consistent drop off and pick up would go a long way. Once things are more normal, could you do it at school or daycare to make it predictable and  so you don't have to actually see BM? At the very least make the times predictable? If your BF is willing to really push for this, it would eliminate a lot of unneccessary drama. If there are a million excuses as to why enforcing consistency is impossible, your BF may be part of the problem. I'm sorry you are going through this. I do know that dealing with a high-conflict BM who is surrounded by enablers (in your case, your BF) and being made to feel like you are overreacting is horrible.

shamds's picture

you have a high conflict bio mum and its typical behaviour for them to change things last minute, be all over the place and so friggin hostile. They are constantly taking digs at you and trying to find an excuse to pick a fight.

so for some of the issues you mentioned:

last minute pickup time and location changes contravening the court order- refer to specific wording of court order and if she refuses you will file contempt charges with court. She will likely feel like you are calling a bluff and push you by refusing to have son at said address, refuse to pick him up at said address as it contravenes court order.

she refuses to pick him up, refer back to court order wording and your bf sends this to bio mum. If she refuses to pick ss up, file a contempt motion with court

she was told as per court order to pick son from a particular street but she rocks up at front door, she is notified in writing that she is not welcome onto your property and police will be notified for trespassing and that you will file a case with the court to address this. 


Bear in mind that these examples rely and depend on your bf not cowtowing to her and actually manning up and enforcing these boundaries. He’s set a current precedent that she can do whatever and he will do jackshit so ahe will go apeshit but follow the memo and force her into submission.

my skids pull this same shit of last minute changes and making hubby jump through hoops, its like he has to prove to them that they are the centre of his universe. It doesn’t matter to them that me and hubby have 2 young kids together and that they aren’t at all respectable towards us with their behaviour and your bio mum here is doing the same crap