I think I have PTSD from BM.
I used to have an abusive step mom from when I was 15 - 20. I'm pretty sure she had a personality disorder because she just psychologically terrorized me and my younger sister. When she was around, my heart would race, I would sweat, my adrenaline would pump.... it was such an unpredictable, toxic environment to be forced in. After my dad divorced her I was in such an elated state of happiness, I swore I would never be around anyone like that ever again. Now, I get the same feeling any time anything comes up about BM. I feel like I'm in that same place all over again. Part of it is her threats, and the other are the fights that happen with me and BF.
These days, she wants BF to do all the picking up and dropping off for SS5, which we have 50% at 2-2-3. BM has never been consistent with the times she expects for him to picked up/dropped off. Every other day there's a god damn message changing the time/location, (along with other complaints/instructions on how we should run our lives). I told BF this is enough. The CO doesn't say you do all of the picking up/dropping off. She needs to do her part, and I think whoever is receiving SS5 is who should drive and pick up. The days when BF stood his gound on this and told her she needs to come pick him up at the designated place across the street from our house, BM pulled up in front of our house, which we specifically told her was NOT ok. She literally said she had the right to for "safety reasons." That's always her damn reason for any idiotic actions from her. "It's a SAFETY issue" "It's for the best interest of OUR son"
BF's argument is it's only 10 minutes away and he wants to avoid the fight since she can get so ugly so fast. I'm like.... what about what I think?? Because she's a psycho she gets what she wants? It actually IS an inconvenience because we still have to revolve our day around her to pick him up, which some days we don't know when it will be until minutes before. BF and I just moved into a new townhouse (because of my job, thankfully), and it was quite satisfying knowing she pulled up to an empty house when she was supposed to be at the market across the street. But then of course she sent a flurry of messages about how BF didn't tell her our new address. lol. We were still in the process of moving and we haven't even changed OUR addresses yet.
BF and I came to an agreement today and maybe it's fair. But thinking about it just makes me feel sick. BF also wants to be sure it's "safe" to do a handoff, which means it has to be in front of the house. The only damn visitor parking is RIGHT in front of our house. I don't want to hear her FUG voice squeeling or wailing things to her kid that's full of digs while I'm trying to live in my sanctuary.
I told BF today that I wish they would change to every other week. BF said because of COVID there's too much that SS5 has had to go through and he doesn't want to disrupt his routine even moreso than it already has been. I can see that.... I also think that frequent back and forth is also stressful. He gets disappointed when he has to leave behind certain things. I'm always on board with him taking whatever toys/things of his he wants to his mom's. Plus, at what point do I matter? BM sends messages about dropoff/location every other day, at least. I'm so sick of it.
I'm starting to wonder if all this toll on my mental well-being is never going to end, and if this relationship is worth it.