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Looking for thoughts on "sharing" things

Kona_California's picture

My family was the type to share belongings, but also being respectful by asking for permission, taking care of it, and making sure to put it back where it belongs. Since I moved to this island to be with my SO, I found out he is quite entitled to my things (and in general). I feel like there are certain things that are assumed you always share when you're a couple living together and don't need to ask every time, such as if I bought our pots and pans, or if his parents purchased the bed we sleep on, we don't expect permission. On the other hand, when his son wants to use my Nintendo Switch, I have personal boundaries around it and I think that's understandable. It isn't a day-to-day necessity. I actually didn't have a boundary around it at first, but after SS6 was forcefully putting games in and out to where it doesn't work right, I said SS6 cannot use it if I'm not around and when I am, he needs to ask permission. (It was a gift to me from my sister so it is sentimental, plus they are very hard to get a hold of these days since quarentine.) My SO was angry at my boundary and pushed back on this in front of SS. He was upset he couldn't give "his prince" something he wanted. (the kid has his own Nintendo Switch, not one, but TWO, one with us and one at BM, but his cannot connect to the TV). He also has his son use my iPad to supplement going to school. I don't expect permission on that but he just acts entitled to that and any of my things.

ANYWAY. My issue is actually about my SO's car. I sold my car to move to this island so I don't have one of my own. We hardly need a car these days since we mostly work from home. I do need to go in to my office a couple times per week since there are hard-copy documents I need to evaluate. I work 10 minutes away, and SO works around the corner AND his employer provides a private shuttle. He changes his mind about whether he "gives permission" for me to use his car based on his mood. He tells me to buy my own car, but it seems so ridiculous he doesn't want to share. I have offered to give him money to contribute to the payments and insurance, but he says he said it isn't about the money. I usually fill the gas tank

Basically.... am I the a-hole? Am I unreasonable? It makes me feel so resentful that I feel the give and take is imbalanced. I feel like he does this power struggle with the car as retaliation from the stupid Switch. On top of everything else that comes with being a step mom.... I feel taken advantage of.



Kona_California's picture

The first time I experienced SO's level of entitlement is the most ridiculous story. When I came to the island, I arrived with my whole life packed into 5 suitcases. Every, single thing I brought was absolutely essential. I had a bunch of these black ankle socks, and I noticed he just started wearing them, Yeah, even though they didn't really fit him, he just started wearing them. I pointed this out and he was like Yeah they're nice! I like them so I wear them. I also brought some mesh laundry bags for washing delicate clothes. He took one of those and started putting the socks he wore in that bag so he could keep them all in one place for himself. I noticed these things and at first I laughed and was like... are you for real? I said hahaahaha okay I'll take all this back now. And he got mad at me!? And said he needed them? I should also mention he is the cheapest man I've ever met. He has money but will not buy anything, like ANYTHING, besides essential food. That sock BS caused a big fight after I walked over and took the bag and socks back. Like are you kidding. This type of thing is something I experience on a regular basis. He won't buy cleaning supplies, hand soap, home furnishings... there isn't a single piece of furniture that he bought himself. His parents got it all. But he'll just take and use without giving a rat's.

Kona_California's picture

Man this question always makes me feel like garbage.

Several reasons. He does meet other needs that I have. I'm also in a place of reflecting on all this and currently evaluating leaving the relationship. With COVID it would be extremely difficult. It isn't because of being dumb.

futurobrillante99's picture

I don't care if a man were able to give me the most mind blowing orgasms and made me laugh my ass off. If he talked to me like your SO talks to you and if he helped himself to my things without apology and acted like a little bitch when I needed something "of his," I'd be out the door in a New York minute.

I believe, if you really think about it, everything is his way or the highway. Someone who lacks generosity and respect, who helps himself generously to whatever you have, whether you offer it or not, is NOT a good person.

And if you get a piece of paper and write down all the benefits HE gets from the relationship compared to the benefits you get, you'll see yourself sorely lacking. Just a hunch.

Kona_California's picture

I really appreciate this community and getting to know you guys. But it's really hard getting comments that imply that I'm just an idiot. This all happened slowly, while interwoven with the good. Clearly I'm legitimately thinking I might be the bad person, so if it's him it would be nice to hear validation. Finding myself in this situation doesn't make me stupid, it means I'm with someone who is good at manipulating (he has a doctorate).

I like the idea of making a list of benefits he gets and benefits I get, vs a pro/con list. And you're right about things being his way or the highway.

futurobrillante99's picture

You're not stupid. Many of us have been in the same situation where we've fallen in love with someone and we smoothe over their flaws by magnifying their attributes. If you're stupid, I was brain dead. I married a man who is a covert narcissist and he was using me way worse that it sounds like you're being used. He used and abused me emotionally, mentally and financially.

He is the problem, not you.

I was in my relationship for 4.5 long years, married less than 2 before I had to escape. I hope you can see that what's going on with him isn't some bad behaviors, but more like he's a very selfish and self centered person.

My XH2 could be WONDERFUL, but that was fake and only to impress people or get what he wanted. In truth, he is at the least a terrible person, and at worst, a monster.

Cover1W's picture

Ok so if he doesn't buy that stuff does he give you $ to do so?  My DH doesn't think about general household items and therefore hardly ever buys them, but I make sure to do so and I'm d*mmed sure he pays me for 1/2 the cost if I don't take it out of our 'household' account to which we both contribute evenly.  When we first moved into this house I didn't ask him to help me get this stuff and rapidly found my funds GONE yet he was out tooling around doing stuff, going out to eat, taking SDs on little trips. And I'm broke - I stopped that immediately once I figured it out. It's not right and he's using you to cover his cheap attitude.

For the car - we got rid of DH's car this past winter as it broke down and it was crazy to fix it. We have been using only my car. I didn't want him to help pay it off (it is now) because it's MY car and I treat it well, keep it clean, maintain it and it will stay that way. He usually fills it up because he drives it more and he's now paying 1/2 the maintenance costs. However he knows if it doesn't treat it well it will go away for him. So far it's all good!  I set my boundaries and was clear on the ramifications and I stick to it.  ADDED:  if one of us needs the car for an extended period, we talk about it and make sure our schedules work. That's it. We have no transit here and biking is do-able only on a limited basis from home. No walking options. We have to communicate and I've never pulled use of the car because I'm mad.

Huh - just like kids no?

Kona_California's picture

No, he never gives money when I buy household stuff. But when he goes to costco for food he expects for me to pay him. I told him I'll pay him a third rather than half, which is what he was asking, since he should be responsible for paying for his kid's food.

Winterglow's picture

"" Yeah they're nice! I like them so I wear them"

Weren't you tempted to hand him a pair of lacy panties and ask him if he wanted to try them on too? Smile

If he buys nothing, what does he do with his money?

tog redux's picture

So he expects you to share your socks (?) and your electronics, but you have to beg to use the only car available to you?

That's very odd. Sounds like he operates under the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" principle.  In other words: selfish. 

Kona_California's picture

Oh my god it's so funny you say that. He always complained that his ex-wife operated under "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine."

futurobrillante99's picture

If I've learned anything after 53 years, a lot of people accuse their former partner of things they actually did themselves! Whatever he's doing to you...........he did to her.


tog redux's picture

That's funny - a little projection on his part, maybe?

I truly can't imagine my DH taking my socks, and then getting upset when I take them back. ? 

Kona_California's picture

Oh yeah. After getting to know him I saw that he literally did everything to me that he accused his ex of doing.

GoingWicked's picture

This sounds like my dad to a T.   He had to have control over his stuff, and my stuff too.  My mother was a saint for sticking it out with him.  Does he have OCDPD, maybe?

Kona_California's picture

Oh gross. What kinds of things was he trying to control of yours?

I don't think he has OCDPD, but he might. My firsth thought was that he isn't clean and I'm always cleaning, but that's more of a stereotype. He does actually always have something he's obsessing over, and it's always negative. Right now he and his boss aren't getting along and he made a couple of bad calls at work, but he's fixing it. But he's so obsessed, he is contsnatly talking to himself, like audibly, full-on conversations. And it's aaaaaall he can ever think about or be interested in. He can't talk about anything else. Wow. Writing this out is actually making me think he does. The problem is he's sober, and it's the type of sobriety that he clumps prescritption medication in with alcohol, marijuana, coke, etc. so he would not want to even be evaluated.

GoingWicked's picture

I wasn't allowed to own broken crayons, if I had a box I was taking to the goodwill he would take stuff out, and repurpose it, or if I wasn't actively using something he would take it and use it, finicky over the color and style of my room, he personally bought me my first car because he couldn't stand the one I picked out, he eventually became a very neat, organized hoarder.  He wasn't a terrible dad, by any means, just quirky in some ways.

GoingWicked's picture

I wasn't allowed to own broken crayons, if I had a box I was taking to the goodwill he would take stuff out, and repurpose it, or if I wasn't actively using something he would take it and use it, finicky over the color and style of my room, he personally bought me my first car because he couldn't stand the one I picked out, he eventually became a very neat, organized hoarder.  He wasn't a terrible dad, by any means, just quirky in some ways.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

With people like your bf, you have to have clear boundaries, be willing to call him out each and every time he crosses them, and be able to stand up for yourself - a lot. You can't rely on him, so don't. Find your own transportation solution; maybe a scooter? And for sure split everything three ways, down to the penny. Play by his rules, girl.

You should also have an exit strategy and money put aside, just in case. Remember, your skid is a symbol of your bf's FAILURE to maintain a healthy relationship. Every step situation is born out of relationship failure - it's just hard to see that through all the hormones in the beginning of a relationship.

As Rags says, take care of YOU.

Kona_California's picture

You and Rags are right. And I don't know why I didn't consider doing that sooner, splitting everything down to the penny. I didn't want to feel like a cheap person and I've always been generous, but that isn't working with this kind of guy. I'm inspired. The parking space he parks his car in he'll have to cover 100%. I was thinking of not getting groceries on the way home from work since I don't want to be the one to fork over the cash, but I feel better about going ahead and telling him to pay me 2/3. And a scooter is a good idea.

Gimlet's picture

Agree with you and the others in this thread.

This doesn't feel like a very equitable relationship.  If all of OP's things are up for grabs and her SO doesn't even bother to ask before using them, but is stingy with his own things, that is a problem.   Especially since she sacrificed things like a car to move in with him.

shamds's picture

Marital home but put a hold on it. Until he met me when he started seeing a future together and went full steam ahead. I helped with colour decorations of interior cabinets, did furniture shopping with him.

he felt very strongly that my comfortableness in that hime was important since we were gonna get married and were engaged.

i knew where hubby kept the spare cash if i needed to go to the shops for example, this was pre me opening a bank acct as there are many restrictions on foreigners openig one.

even now last year hubby bought a car to help me take our kids to school... 

that said i did have ss 2 yrs ago call hubby after midnight to tell him his laptop was getting repaired and he was taking my one (told hubby the fancy touchscreen one), he’d only know that if he had been opening and snooping on it when i wasn’t home.

i told hubby off ss doesn’t get to abuse me and treat me like shit and then take my things. He can go to the computer labs at uni for computer use...

hubby apologized for it. I have no issues in hubby borrowing things of mine for his personal use because we share things as a couple but never his arsehole kids from exwife. They can eff it

BethAnne's picture

I would (if you don't have one already) buy yourself a bicycle or other cheap mode of transportation to get yourself around without needing "permission". Then I might start going to the office more frequently and start working on a plan to move out. This man likes control and has little respect for you or your possesions. You deserve better. 

BethAnne's picture

Remeber the issue isn't really about how you do or do not share things, there are many differnet ways that different people  may be comfortable sharing thier lives and posessions. It is about how he reacts when you make reasonable requests. Asking that he not wear your socks is reasonable. Asking that his kid be monitored using your electronics is reasonable. Wanting to have relatively free access to your household's only vehical for work purposes is reasonable. 

Kes's picture

I got rid of my car a number of years ago when the SDs stopped coming EOW and we had much less use for separate cars.  DH was still commuting by train.  Since we just have the one car, we co-operate with each other, try and negotiate if we both need it at the same time and always manage to come to an arrangement.  You are right, it does seem ridiculous that your DH doesn't want to share - isn't that what partners do?  This would worry me a lot as it suggests a degree of selfishness on his part that is not in keeping with an adult, co-operative relationship. 

The_Upgrade's picture

If you do end up buying a scooter or a bike it's 100% yours. Buy a chain with a combination lock and bolt it down when not in use. No one takes it without your permission. I can just see your SO "borrowing" your bike to get around to save on fuel.

justmakingthebest's picture

The car is control. He has power over you. 

That is the part that scares me and I realize I am placing my past experiences on your relationship and that isn't fair but I have to tell you - that is what I am seeing. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Entitlement is never an attractive color.  He's looking to control, that escalates over time a lot of the time.

I think your boundaires make sense. Those are NOT cheap at all, and it sounds like SS6 has been rough on it.  

JRI's picture

I was surprised that my DH and I had/have different ideas about ownership and sharing.  I believe that if I own something, it is mine unless I choose to share it, typically with DH.  I might occasionally retire an item to one of the bios or SKs.  DH, on the other hand, has a different view.  He likes to please people and seems to see many objects as tickets to the kids' love.  It is typical when one of them comes for him to say, " Want x?  Do you want a y? Can you use z?"  If one of them compliments us about an item, he is sure to offer it to them.  This happens regardless of whether its a bio or SK.  He actually accumulates giveaway items in the spare room.  Usually this is an endearing quirk but sometimes he tries to give away something we share.  I have to keep my eye on him.  Most of the kids handle it well although we have one who takes advantage.

The other posters have valid points.  I just wanted to note that different people have different ideas.